Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I've wanted to fuck you since grade school

I don't know if I told you this, but for the past month I had been in trouble at the methadone clinic and had to come in after it closed at nine forty five a.m. to dose so I wouldn't talk to much about my using past to other clients. That is until today I got my right to come in early in the morning and sit and wait with the other clients as I had for the past three or four years. My body is so used to waking up at 6am that I do so every day even on Sunday's. So this morning I was able to leave my apartment and dose at 7:30am  with everyone else. I even got to take a number and wait in line like everyone else. It felt like the old days. I only have 7 weeks left at the Methadone clinic and then I'm done.

For so many years the Methadone was the only reason I got up every morning. Suboxone is a lot weaker than Methadone and I won't feel high at all on it. Which is a good thing, its what I want, but will this pill give me a reason to wake up every morning. Before Methadone, Heroin was the reason I woke up every morning. Knowing I was going to feel like Mozart's sonata he wrote when he was 5, or was it Beethoven and was he 6? Still I felt like a great piece of music being played. I don't even know is sonata is right? I sound like an idiot. I should have chose a diffrent analogy.

The good thing about the Suboxone is if I don't like it I just have to wait four days and let the medication run out of my system, and I can get high again. Unlike the Methadone where you have to wait a long time, even then your tolerance is high. I'm speaking of us who are using the medication as it meant to be used. Not as Shane from France uses it. Which is how I'd use it if I were to get strung out again. Just to keep me from getting dope sick, not from being able to get high like it is now at the Methadone clinic. Although now that I'm only at 55mgs, I probably could feel a good shot of Heroin should I go out and buy myself a few points. Perhaps a bon vouage speedball. Listen to some Tindersticks. Again I must mention HeroinHead (Shane from France), he had introduced me to this band the Tindersticks and I absolutely love them. I am listening to them as I write right now. That and Mozart. I have it on shuffle.

Yesterday I went through and read a new blog on wordpress. she is new to the blogging world, but she is very interesting. Probably a better writer than I am and I've been doing this now for a two fucking years. She is very open and honest, I'd like to compare myself to her.

Other than that, most of my day is spent sitting outside smoking cigarettes. Letting the wind blow its breeze through my hair, and give me goose bumps on my skin. The sun kissing my face with her rays threatening to make me look older than my years, little does she know I've put sun block on when I washed my face this morning. Still her rays feel so good upon my face warm and passive. I bring my nook out with me so I can read a book, and right now I'm reading a bio of Elliott Smith. I light cigarette after cigarette and push the page turn button often. I over hear conversations of people in the parking lot, uninteresting conversation. Mostly about who should or shouldn't be parked in which parking spaces. I hear cars coming in and out of the under ground parking garage when our car is parked. After reading and smoking a while I will have had too much, and will stop. I will go back inside. Where I pull out a old notebook, and write in long hand what I want to put in my book. I write it out at the dining room table, and then I get the laptop and write it out on the zip drive where I have the book saved. I also have it saved on the computer. I feel safer with it saved on a sip drive.

My obsession with Jess has cooled. Now that he wants to use my like a used tampon I'm not that interested. I might go over there once for sex, just to see how it feels to be used for one thing by a guy that you really like. Which I'm sure is going to be awful. I don't know why I put myself through such horrible acts. The strange thing is, when I first went over to Jess' house I had meant it only to be sex. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a penis and a vag, then the damn guy goes and makes me like him. I'll never forgive him for that. I should say I'll never forgive myself for letting myself like him. I usually do good at removing myself emotionally from the act of sex, but with Jess I'll probably cry the whole way home. I'm such an idiot. Even more so than you know. Its not like he's perfect by any means. What I see in him I don't know, probably the fact that he's unattainable. I'm like that, the harder they are to get, the more I like them. I should say fuck them and let them fuck something they like. Let them find whatever it is they are looking for. So one last goodbye fuck to you Jess and that is it. Sorry guys I won't be posting about, this one is private. I will tell you how I felt being used though.


Boston Joe said...

hey.. not sure if I should tell you this but I am sure you will find out.. Depending on how much suboxone you are on, you can totally get high the next day after you take it.. I was on it for years and if you are taking either one 4mg tab or less than 4 1mg tabs and you take one when you get up say 6am, the next morning you can get high if you want...
good luck with the Jess thing. At least he is being honest with you and telling you he wants a booty call.. lots of us will say anything to get some pussy, including that we have feelings for you when the only feeling we have is a raging hard cock! LOL, good luck!

Anonymous said...

Anna, you really think you are the only one he can fuck??
maybe he doesnt feel for you
but you are the one he wants to fuck if that means anything to you.

Trish said...

Hi Anna,

I'm just wondering if its normal that people are not allowed to talk to each other at the clinic? Why not? It seems really harsh...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I used to mostly like the guys who were unattainable too. Right now, I have a good healthy mutual relationship, and you deserve the same. You are worthwhile, and it will happen. I know it. But you have to treat yourself like you have some value before anyone else will value you.

By the way, I value you. You are loved.


elizabeth said...

"But you have to treat yourself like you have some value before anyone else will value you". Couldn't have said it better myself! ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

Anonymous said...

Oh Anna, you are absolutely fabulous. Thank you. :-) And you are a wonderful writer and I love reading your entries. That made my night completely, best part of my day.