Wednesday, September 8, 2010

So new, so you, so what.

I'm back online baby. After a week offline, with no TV, and only blackberry and a radio for outside communication I can finally blog without hurting my fingers, and see what they are talking about on that box with a voodoo screen. My MP3 player was stolen by Two fucking assholes and a Truck, so I ordered another one which should be in the mail in few days if its not on back order. Cross my fingers! Hopefully I can download most of what was on my MP3 from my music library, then what I can't I'll have to re down load.

Today I called Geek Squad and had them access my computer remotely and clear out all the flippin virus. I paid 150 bucks, which my parents have to pay me back. It was worth it, I can close windows after I open them without shutting down the entire computer. We got Time Warner Cable, and Time Warner Broadband wireless Internet. I didn't realize that it was going to be broadband. If I had known it was broadband I would have just gotten AT&T wireless where its really wireless, so I can use it in the airport when i really need it. I guess for now I'll have to use my phone.

Since I've last posted, Jess told me that via text message that he doesn't want to be with me. He says my drug usage is a problem, and caused his family problems. Also he doesn't want to do the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing. So when he finally said it, when it was finally done I cried. This was the first time any one had ever broken up with me. I was always the one breaking up with the other person. This way sucks. I really liked this guy. Had I been skinner, never gotten hooked on drugs he might have liked me. You know what I wanted most when he broke up with me? A big shot of Heroin. I just wanted the harshness of those emotions to go away, I wanted to erase him from my memory, erase all those thoughts of what did I do wrong. Of course I'm still on 55mgs of Methadone and no Heroin to use, so instead I upped my intake of Clonazepam.

So lately I've been going to bed early, as soon as I have nothing to do. I take a nice dosage of my pills, pick up a book, wait for the pills to work their way thru my system until I fall asleep. Otherwise, in spite of how much I hate myself for telling you this, I would think about what I did wrong, like when did the drugs become a problem? Was having sex in his brothers room too much for him? Was it too much when I made up the story that I peed on him when he peed on me and begged me not to tell anyone. I had to tell the story and the only way he would let me tell it is if I peed on him. I was so insistent that he let me write that blog. Yes, its true, I lied. He peed on me,

I was just happened to wake up right before he started to pee. I felt him peeing and I sat there thinking, okay Anna, what should you do. The pee started to get cold. I tried to wake up Jess, but he wouldn't wake up. So I get up and put on a t-shirt, and get ready to go to the bathroom. When I go out to the hallway, I meet up with his brother and his brother's girlfriend. They have me come into their room. I get some pants on, and go with them, and they get me stoned, where I first off tell them that Jess pissed on me, then I tell them another secret that I knew they knew, but forgot they told me a while back. They aren't suppose to know this secret either. I can't share this about him on the Internet. I'm not that mean.

When Jess wakes up in the morning he begs me not to tell his brother or his girlfriend. I was like too bad, I already did, but I won't tell anyone else. Then I beg him to tell the story on the Internet. That had to be embarrassing.

I smell fruit punch. yummy. Finally it feels like home here now that we have TV. I did something I probably should have not. I texted Jess today. I wanted to text his brother's girlfriend Nat, but no reply. Of course. Today is his day off, so if she were around today would have been a day I could have talked to her. I hope he doesn't think I'm trying to talk to him. I get it, he doesn't like me. I can't force someone to like me.

Burning the Koran, people are just idiots. They are just books, don't do such negative things expecting positive things to come from it. Bible thumpers...useless.

Today, seven years going on eight years we gave away most of Angie(my sister who passed away) clothes to Goodwill. There was so many tote boxes that we kept her stuff in, that we lugged around from place to place. I took some clothes that I felt I would want, my parents took some stuff they they would want.

Gotta go, and spell check this. Nodding out.


Anonymous said...

you're actually going to make your parents pay you back %150? that is so selfish and they are idiots if they do. You seem to practically live off of them already!

Anonymous said...

why would your parents have to pay you back money to fix your computer?? don't want to seem a hater but that does sound pretty selfish..

Anna Grace said...

I'm not going to make my parents pay me back. You've made me feel bad and like a money whore. Not that I'm not.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure every day that goes by your parents wish it had been you who was killed. At least Angie wouldn't be living with them and on top of that scamming them off money.

Anna Grace said...

If your gonna be an asshole be original.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, I know this is easier said than done, because I do the same thing, sometimes until it drives me absolutely crazy...but try not to keep going over the mistakes you may have made in your head. Once you start that train of thoughts it can just keep going round and round, whistling louder at every bend until the train finally wrecks and explodes. Again, easier said than done. What is past is past, and what is done is this point, all you can do is learn from it and try to make positive changes for the future. Try not to beat yourself up, instead just try to lift yourself up. Again, I know it is much easier said than done. Keep your head up. And give yourself a pat on the back for not using. Over four years clean, and I still think about it sometimes...those thoughts won't likely change completely. But, what does change is how you handle them. So give yourself a pat on the back for not relapsing.

Anonymous said...

omg anon 3 that is disgusting. everyone has faults at least anna hasn't got a vile personality flaw like you. You're everything that is wrong in this world. How you could even type that out, register it and press send is beyond me. Behind the blog is a person who has gone through such an awful tragedy, to actually try to use that to lay a blow is revolting. I hope to god you haven't reproduced

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous who said this:
I'm sure every day that goes by your parents wish it had been you who was killed. At least Angie wouldn't be living with them and on top of that scamming them off money.

Go to hell. You are a mean nasty person. I don't see what in the fuck you get out of being that mean to another human being. You must hate your own pathetic life.

If you hate Anna so much, stop reading. Simple. Even an ignorant fucking asshole like you can figure that out.

p.s. I'm not a cowardly asshole like you. I don't post as anonymous. Fuck you.

Sorry to hear about you having to deal with your sister's stuff. I'm sure that was hard.

You are loved.