Monday, September 13, 2010

Your a slave to money then you die.

Today is not unlike every other fucking other day I have. Get up go to the clinic, wonder around, walk the dog, smoke outside a lot more than I should. Haven't been watching T.V. lately. Ever since we went that week without T.V. its been hard to get back into the groove of watching T.V. plus no cigarettes while watching T.V. is a bit off putting. So is blogging. That is why I'm blogging outside today. Listening to my MP3 player. Thinking of downloading some tunes when I'm done blogging about thinking about doing it.

I remember when the clouds would bring with them the lifting of my spirits, and the rain that came from the clouds would spit at me and I would revel in that spit like it was made just for me. Now a cloudy day comes and its just like a sunny day. I may even prefer a sunny day to a rainy one. Who have I become? I do love the fall, and the cooler weather, the leaves on the trees turning colors, the days growing shorter and shorter. I love the smell of fall weather. Something like crisp dirt, dying leaves, suicide, bear shit, opening and old book, cutting down an old tree, baby's breath, dying grass, burning leaves, a millions different women's perfume on the wind, is what fall smells like to me. To endure another fall single, and lonely is going to be hellish. What am I going to do when I get off the Methadone completely and my libido comes back full force? Go out to the bar and pick up some guy and say bring me back to your place for an hour or two so we can screw? We can't go back to my place because I live with my parents. Shudder. Well how old are you? Almost 28 years old. Where do you work? I don't, I get SSI because I'm Bi Polar? What is that scare on your arm in your elbow? Oh that, well I used to use Heroin, and now I have Hep C. so we can't have anal sex, and if my blood touches yours you could get liver cancer in ten to fifteen years.

I guess my days of picking up men at the bar are over. Now I have to tell them I have Hep C. Its always so awkward to. Its like, Dude, I've got Hep. C. Most don't know how its contracted, so I have to explain. Its blood to blood contact. If I cough on you your not going to catch it. We just need to use a condom, and not have anal sex. Since I'm lactating you can't have any of my precious milk for my invisible child. I'm lactating because of this medication I'm on. So If I squeeze my boobs with both hands I can squirt milk out of them. I can get like a quarter cup...out of both boobs.

Now that you know that, you know everything. I'm suppose to go get the laundry out of the dryer, because a family friend who was a nurse, and an addict got caught using at work, and taking pills from work, and she killed herself because she felt like such a loser. She was hooked, and couldn't get dope anywhere else, she was embarrassed about what she had done. My mom is going with my aunt Debbie to the wake, and I have to get the laundry out of the dryer. Nobody told me how she killed herself. Did she save up a bunch of pills, and do it that way. Why is it more shame full to steal pills than it is to go have a drink after work every night. Sure its illegal, but its escaping reality for a little while. We all have our vices. I'm not going because I didn't know her at all. She was my aunt Debbie's friends daughter.

I have to roll some smokes, sulk around. Get the clothes out of the dryer. Be an apathetic loser, and spell check this post.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're a loser at all!

Look...

You have Hep C, and realize it is an obligation to tell potential partners, educate them.

You have gone up, down, up and down on drugs, of all kinds. You write about it openly and honestly here.

You write, here, about your open sex life, desires and dreams.

You write, here, about your truths, as you see them, your cautions to others, your sadness, your happiness and your blah-ness.

I don't see a loser here and would hate to see you give it all up.

Anna, I truly do wish the very best for you.

jw

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You're so right. We all have our vices.

Love you, Anna Grace. I like the Fall, too.

SB

dopedgirl said...

Most of the people I talk to that have Hep C tell me they thought it was a death sentence, but found out it could be controlled and even cured by Interfuron (sp. and I think cured?).

I didn't know any thing about it until one of my IOP classes I walked in and the counselor goes "Do you have Hep. C?" and everyone who had it was talking so nonchalantly about it.

At rehab people would tell others they had Hep. C and the alcoholics who didn't know anything about it were telling me not to share drinks w/ them or cigarettes. People need to be educated! It is not the end of the world and people who have it should not be shunned. But I agree it would be hard to tell a sex partner something like that, especially with the stigma.

:-) Doped Girl