Friday, October 29, 2010

The rest of my life is up in the air.

I know the recipe for a slip is me having money in my pocket, mainly cash. Which I had some of two days ago , and I made a stupid phone call to my man, and bought 80 dollars worth of Dilauded, which is  8 pills.  I used them up in two days. Again I got caught at the Methadone clinic by UA. I have a tooth ache, and rationalized my use by saying I was taking the Dilauded for my toothache. I'm not calling this a full fledged relapse because it only lasted two days, and I only used 8 syringes. In Wisconsin we can still get Dilauded 8mgs, and that's what my dealer gets. They are the best. Break right thru my  Methadone dose.

I managed to keep my use a secret by using only at night, and letting my Methadone dose keep me well during the day. I did say if I had another relapse I would check myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. , but since I'm not calling this a relapse, and am instead calling it a slip, I am not doing the duel diagnosis center thing. I am still going to wait until Nov. 16 and the Suboxone to see if that works. If that doesn't work, I swear on my sister's grave that I will sign myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. What I'm doing now isn't working. When My class starts I can't be having slips, and relapses. If I am having slips and relapses while  in class I'm not getting out of the class what I want, so dropping out and getting myself into a duel diagnosis clinic would be the smart thing to do.

To be truthful I don't want to up root my life and sign into a rehab again. I've done rehab four times, and they didn't work before, why would this one work. Just because its duel diagnosis? They only way its going to work is if they hook me up to an IV of Methadone that is a blocking dose. Which means it blocks  the receptors in my brain from getting high off Heroin or any other kind of opiate. Right now I'm not at a blocking dose. After the rehab they always want to put you in a sober living facility, and yes, I do think that would be good for me. Finally getting out on my own. Those places are usually cheap enough that my SSI payments would pay for the rent. Living in a sober living facility means living with a lot of fragile addicts, which means meeting people with connections, which means if I'm feeling  like using and  so is somebody else we put our heads together and we relapse and we do so big time, and I end up in jail. Which is what happened to me last time. Every friend that I made in the rehab ended up relapsing at the same time as I did. We all had new connections thanks to each other. We could get any kind of drug we wanted then.

So I fear rehab, its not a good place to make friends. Same thing at NA meetings. Finding a sponsor is like finding Snow White. I've alienated my friends from  high school by my drug use. The friends I've made as an adult I keep in contact with, but we don't do much together. Aside from tonight. We are going to a haunted house, and having a sleep over, making margaritas, watching scary movies. I'm not feeling sick at all. I didn't use long enough to get dope sick. I still have diarrhea, but I'm used to that now. I take a medication for that. Now I just get the cramps. I sweat like pig while sleeping. I have no appetite at all. Cigarettes taste funny, but I still smoke like a mad women.

I'm sorry for letting everyone down. I 'm disappointed in myself, I can't seem to get past the needle and its allure. I'm weak, I'm a loser, and I hate myself and want to die. If my bi polar were to kick in and I were to cycle I wouldn't fool around with pills trying to kill myself, I'd bite the end of a shot gun. I just gave ammunition to the anonymous commenter's who tell me to kill myself. Assholes.I guess that's enough for the day. Spell check here I come, then a sleep over with a bunch a femme fatals. 

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What happens in my day...nothing.

The wind is wiping the trees out of ground, the rain is pouring out of the clouds in torrents, forget an umbrella the minute you open it, it would be blown inside out. Driving the Jeep to the clinic was a feat in itself, the wind was making the Jeep swerve, and the tires are bald so at every stop light getting started the tires would spin, so I would have to start out twice and slowly. The sky is so gray you had to have your lights on because it was like 6pm dark out. Not even a hint of sun was coming through the thick cloud cover. I imagine I'm in Seattle.

People always say Green Bay is a small city, but they don't know that there are surrounding cities like Ashwabanon, Allowaz, Bell view, De Pere,  and all those cities have at least 100,000 people in them. Green Bay has 100,000 people, so do all those surround cities so really there is 500,000 people in the area. All packer fans. Hardcore Packer fans. I drive past the Packer stadium every day on my way to the clinic. No where near as many people in Seattle, but more than they always say when there is a Packer game in town, and they talk about how small Green Bay is. I guess it really is small, because Seattle has surrounding areas too, and just counting Seattle they have probably a million people. The closest place there is a big city in Wisconsin is Milwaukee, which is about three hours away Chicago. Milwaukee is two hours away from here. Chicago is 5 hours away from here. I've been there a lot. I used to go there at least once a week to buy Heroin. West side of Chicago into the Ghetto. I lived a little closer, I lived in Menasha which made it a four hour drive. I maneuvered the city quite well for country girl.

Sorry for veering off course, I just had to say my peace about the size of the city I live in. Back to where I was, I get to the clinic, and I run into clinic. There is only two people ahead of me. Today I go down on my dose, I stopped having them tell me what milligram I'm at. I don't want to know. I think I'd have worse withdrawals if I knew, physcological effects. I know I'm down to a pretty low dose, because my last day is November 13th, and that date is coming up faster than I want it to. Then I go three days without anything, then I go to my Pshyc. Doctor and start the Suboxone on November 16 at 1:30pm. Today though I watched her pour the Methadone into the cup and unlike before I got kicked out and the cup was half full of Methadone now the cup has just a few drops of Methadone in it.

After I dose I get back in the Jeep and drive home. On the way home the rain has stopped, but the clouds are still thick and I still need my head lights one. The road is still slick and my bald tires are giving me grief. My dad had given me his debit card so he could pay me back the one hundred and forty dollars that I had borrowed him a few weeks ago. I get the money out of the ATM machine and then I buy some donuts for my mom, dad, and myself.

I get home, and my parents go straight for the donuts, I go outside and smoke a cigarette. This is my fucking day so far.
You wonder what will I do with the rest of my day? Well, most likely I will write one to three pages on my new book about middle school from a self imposed outcast girls perspective. A girl who's only goal in life is to use Heroin. Loosely based fiction. Then I'll smoke a lot of cigarettes, try to take a nap, but since I've been going down on my Methadone I can't nap anymore. Not even if I take a Clonazepam. My parents are out shopping, and me and Eleanor are home alone. I'm watching What not to wear. I wonder what I would be doing if I lived across the pond? Probably something cool. Next month I'll be doing something with my days every other day at 3pm. I might read today. I plugged in my Nook, and decided I'm going to finish the bio of Elliott Smith finally. Its time I finish the book. I want to know about Elliott, and I want to read more again so I can write more.

Anyone have any good books you think I would like. Something classic, something I can take from as a writer. The last book that I read through fast and enjoyed a lot was Breaking Dawn from the Twilight series. I've read other books since then, but they have been hard to get through. Maybe I'm going thru a John Grisham fase, I mean not just him, but number one best sellers. Instead of the classics. I think I forgot what I meant to do when I started to read the classics. I decided to read one or two classics in between books that I really want to read. Its hard to find a book on the Nook, because you don't get to see books you might like. You have to go on line and look at books. I would like to go to barns and noble and look at the books there and then download them onto the Nook.

I never mentioned that my book, I Hate Myself and Want to Die will be coming out March 2011 and will be for sale on Amazon.com, and in book stores. It will also be available on my blog. I will soon be posting excerpts on my blog from my book. I think I have posted some of my book in older post, but I don't know where. If anyone has read all of my posts and knows where the parts of my book are please do tell me. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but unlike other books it doesn't have a happy go lucky ending. Life doesn't have happy go lucky endings. Life goes on after bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people. Some good things happen though and it mixes both. I self published because I didn't want to wait for a publisher to decide they did or didn't want to publish it. I didn't even know what publishers to send it out to. So I spent 600 dollars and published it myself. I get 20 copies for myself to do with as I please, and I get those before the March 2011 date. I'm not sure when, but I get to see if I like the cover art, and the editing before it goes out for sale. I've read the book so many times, that I'm sick of it. I have to read it again when I get my 20 copies to see if the editing is what I wanted.

Time for spell check.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I want to play, come over and play with me.

I'm so fucking bored. Masturbation lost its fun, and daytime T.V. is not worth opening your eyes for. My fucking tooth hurts. I rolled four packs of cigarettes already this morning, I smoked nearly ten cigarettes this morning already. I finally fixed the title of my blog and it now says strung out and not stung out. God am I an idiot. I sort of liked it the other way because it proved to my readers the idiot that I am. Only one person ever pointed out the mistake, and it was the only time I ever realized it didn't say strung out. Seriously I am not the sharpest tool in the shed. My spelling is atrocious. I probably spelled that wrong, wait I did spell that wrong, if its spelled right, thank spell check.

The only thing I am enjoying is answering the comments I'm getting on my last blog post. I think I got about three or four today. Every time my phone rings with an email, I'm excited because it might be a comment. When its spam I want to spit on my phone. I just got back from smoking a cigarette on the porch and my mom was taking pictures of me on my phone. I don't know how to get photos from my phone onto the laptop, and then onto my blog, so I doubt you guys will ever see those photos. Not that you care.

Seriously, what should I do. Masturbation has lost it fun. I need to have sex with a real live person. I miss the muscles on a guy. I miss the blood flowing through their veins... all over their bodies. I can't write I'm blocked, and a little sex might just unblock me. I'm constipated too, but nothing new about that. I've been constipated for going on four years. I took medication to back me up tho this time. I've had the runs from going down on my methadone dose and I just got sick of it, and I bought some Kaopectaed. Spelled that wrong. That's how it sounds. I still get stomach cramps. I didn't get stomach cramps when my dose was high enough.

I need some ambosol for my tooth, and more Advil.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Back to school, back to school, Anna goes back to school finally.

On Friday I signed up for a Literature class at our local technical collage. The class starts next month, and it will be at 3pm every other day. Hopefully when I'm done with the class my grammer will be a little less atrocious. My spelling is still going to be the worst. I would have to go back to third grade to get better at spelling. Hopeful my vocabulary will get a boost too from the class. If this class goes well I may sign up for more classes at University of Wisconsin Green Bay.

You might wonder what pushed me to actually do something to better myself. Well, it was one comment I got on my stalker post. I don't remember exactly what the comment said, but it said something about how I don't even try to better myself or try to get out of this stagnate life I'm living. So I said to myself I'm a writer, I'm going to do that with my life. I suck at it right now, and I want to get better at it. To do that I have to learn more about the craft. To learn more about the craft I have to go to school. I'm getting money I may as well put it towards something worth while. I drove to the collage and went to registration  and found the class that I wanted and signed myself up.

Now that I don"t have to worry about the Methadone so much anymore, ans soon not all. I have time to think many different things. If the suboxone works like its promised, I shouldn't think about Heroin like I do now. Which frees up a lot of brain power. Writing more than three pages at a time on my new book will be easy. . Right now I have writers block. Mainly because I'm not reading at all. I've been reading this bio of Elliott Smith for a few months now. Every now and again I will pick up the book and read a few pages, but I put it down soon after picking it up.  I think its due to the Methadone. I get really sleepy when I read, and nod out. I haven't tried since I've gotten down to such a low dose.

I miss using Heroin, I miss being able to smoke in the house. I would blog a lot longer because, I would write a paragraph then light a cigarette, smoke it, then write another paragraph. It would take me two hours to write a blog. Now it takes me 20 minutes to write a post.

On my last post I got a lot of comments, I liked that, I'm told that I don't comment back enough. I'm going to make an effort to comment back on every comment I get. I have a blackberry, and its easy for me to comment back on either the phone, or the laptop. So feel free to bash me or love me. I get more haters than lovers. I seem to scratch people the wrong way.

I guarantee that people will say that I'm going to fail at my one and only class that I'm taking. Were I'll meet people, but they will all be  a lot younger than I am. I'm 27 they will be between 19 and 22, I'm guessing. At least I'll have a book self published . When I get my 20 copies I will take one of  them to my teacher and see what he or she thinks of the book. Trash probably.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I want to be raped by you

I found window in the kitchen let myself in, rummage threw the refrigerator pour myself a beer. I can't believe I'm really here and she's lying in that bed. I almost feel her touch and her legs are bare. I stumble in the hallway, and she pulls her covers tighter. I hear her call out to me I hear the fear in her voice. I will be with her tonight. I will be with her.

Sounds creepy, but romantic if its someone you wish would stalk you. Why can't the guy at the clinic be a cross between a romantic and creepy stalker. I don't want him to be a wife beater, which stalkers usually end up being, but in my mind a stalker would just be obsessed and want to know everything about me. Not want to hurt me. My stalker would also be a Heroin addict, which I know would never happen. No Heroin addict would take time away from the game to follow a female. He's too busy trying to get high and stay high. Maybe while he's high he might do a walk by of where a girl he thinks is hot lives.

Where is my junky stalker?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Give the people something they understand. I'm wearing poor mans clothes.

I have a sore tooth. The last tooth on the right bottom of mouth. I've been taking Advil like a maniac, I surprised my stomach hasn't been ripped up yet. Aside from my tooth ache, I've been feeling better. Now that all the Heroin is out of my body and I'm going down slowly on the Methadone again I'm just suffering mildly from the Methadone withdrawal. Still sweating a lot while sleeping, and diarrhea.  Smoking like a chimney is the one habit I can hold on to, and know that nobody can say that I HAVE to stop smoking. So I smoke every 15 minutes. It would be more if I could smoke in the house.

I mentioned in my last blog that there is this guy at the clinic that I like. Today I learned his name. He asked me for two dollars for gas money because his car was low on petrol and he had a ways to go to get home. So I gave him all the quarters I had in my wallet.He asked me my name first, and he must have felt that we were close enough that he felt comfortable enough to ask me for two dollars. So after I gave him the two dollars I asked if I could give him my phone number. He said sure. So I gave him my number. I know this was too forward. If he liked me he would have asked me for my phone number. Its just I'm leaving the clinic soon and he doesn't know that. Soon I won't see him most mornings and  he  wouldn't have the chance to ask me for my number. As if he ever would. I don't have my hopes up that he's gonna call, I just gave him my number so I wouldn't regret it for the rest of my life. Like  I would look back on my life and on my death bed I would say what would have happened if I had given that guy from the Methadone clinic my phone number?  He is desperately cute, and has big brown eyes that look so sad and full of worry, with brown hair. He wears riped jeans in the knees. Old t-shirts, a red jacket, he has tattoos on his hands, I've never seen his arms so I don't know if he has any on his arms. He's thin, but not really, really skinny.

I should get over that whole thing before it even starts because its not going to start. There is no lovers moon in my futer. This is why I like smack so much more than humans. Its always there, and it doesn't know if your pretty or smart. It just goes into a needle and that needle goes into your vein and that juice in that needle goes to the opiate receptors in your brain, and from there it feels just like being in love. It feels better than sex. That's what I would say on dope, but when I'm not on dope, sex is the most amazing thing. I love doing the big nasty. Now that I have hardly any dope in my system sex seems like it would be the most fun a girl could have. Thanks to Jess I have a brand new dildo, and a bullet, and a clit tickler. In the shower yesterday I noticed my clit was really sensitive so I as soon as I got out I ran to room and got the clit tickler and tickled to the image of Kurt Cobain until I came screaming his name. Sometimes I rub one out to Michale Pitt.

Speaking of Michale Pitt, (spelling?)  he's in this new show on HBO called Empire Boardwalk and its a good show. Its on Sunday's at 8pm. I didn't start watching until one day I decided to watch it on HBO on Demand just to check it out, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the show was very entertaining.

My life is super boring. You'd think I'd do something to change that. Instead I just go to the bar every now and then when I have money. I should take a class in English Lit, do something to entertain my mind. Instead I'm and idiot kid with lazy bones, and a fat ass. I got to go.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

every man kills what he loves

I haven't used Heroin since I ran out. I've dived into my dad's Percocets, but no Heroin. I don't even get high off the Percocets, but they keep the sickness at bay. I got a UA at the Methadone clinic which I know I tested + for Opiates and I know they aren't going to do anything because I've already been kicked out. My last day is already set, and I move on to the Suboxone. I'm trying to stay positive about leaving the Methadone clinic. I've been hooked to the clinic by an umbilical cord for three or four years now. Severing that cord means finally losing the weight I gained, not having to get up everyday at the but crack of dawn. No more nodding out everyday, no more lots of things, like all day naps.Getting off the 'done is a going to be a huge change in my life.

I've thought about checking into a duel diagnosis clinic, but I've decided to wait to see if the Suboxone works. I can't take any more of my dad's pills. I just have to suffer through the nights of sweating, and not being able to sleep, with pain in my bones. Waking up puking and pooping. I finally fall asleep after taking Tylenol PMs without the Tylenol in them. I fall asleep around three am. I wake up around 5am soaking wet with sweat, and having to vomit, and poop at the same time. I cry and hate myself for doing this to myself.

When I get to the clinic and get my dose, and the dose kicks in about 15 minutes after I take it, I littlerly dance with joy. I feel better for about 12 to 16 hours. I don't get high, I don't nod out, I just feel better, and that is enough to make dance with joy. Getting high makes me want to fall to my knees and praise whatever made opiates and kiss "its" feet. What I imagine as heaven is that scene in Wizard of oz wear they all fall asleep in the poppy field. Then they get to Oz and the horses change colors and instead of there being problems it would be the perfect place with a poppy field being cultivated right outside of town. All the Heroin  you could want would be available to you.

I herd this morning on the news, that falling in love produces a high just like morphine. So there is a reason I'm always wanting to fall in love on here. It causes me to get high. I swear to you I could take love over Heroin for at least a few days. When I was with Jess, I was always writing about him more than I was writing about smack.

Btw, Jess found himself a new girlfriend. So there will be no bootycalls. I won't be having sex for a long time. He's the only guy that I wanted to have sex with, that lived close by. Well, there is this guy at the clinic that I like, but I don't even know his name. Plus I highly doubt that he likes me.Then there is this guy who lives far away, but he's married. I can't do that. Now that Jess has found himself someone new, I've found that its much easier to leave him alone. I don't feel any inclination to text him or email him. I don't want to interfere with his new girlfriend.

I went to the bar on Thursday, and the bartender who was a guy and was only 22, we got along very well. He had the same taste in music as I did. I seen a great Fiona Apple video, with the guy from the Hangover, the fat one, the funny one. I think he's hot. Its an old video, Its form when the Pawn breaks or when the Pawn hits. I think the song was called this isn't love, or something like that. I'm going to go to download it today after I'm done blogging. Which is right now. I have to spell check of course first.

My best wishes.XX

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

When I'm closeing in on death

I woke up to my cellphone alarm, the sun just coming up over the horizon. I had forgotten it is Wednesday, and at 7:30am I have a appointment with my councilor at the Methadone clinic. I have no time to change from my sweatpants, and t-shirt or put any makeup on. I just have to pull my hair back and run out the door. I grab my cigarettes, and down the elevator to the garage where I get into the Jeep. I light a cigarette, and open the garage door. The sun is in my eyes, so I pull down the visor. I take a left, go through a million lights. I make it there at exactly 7:30am. I run to my councilor's office. Since I'm leaving the Methadone clinic she doesn't do anything in depth with me anymore. She just shoots the shit, then reads out of a self esteem book for my benefit. She says my self esteem is very low. Which of course we all know it is. This book isn't really changing that. I'm still not at the body weight I want to be at, but I'm taking the steps I need to, to make sure that changes.

I feel ill, I need my Methadone dose, and sitting in that room listening to my counselor read out of that book, all I can think is give me my juice. I don't care how low I'm of a dose I'm at, anything is better than nothing. Then my councilor asks if the doctor who will be prescribing me the Suboxone got his licence pulled. As far as I know he didn't. Now I'm worried, and now I have doubts that this Suboxone isn't going to work as well as the Methadone. This low of a dose of Methadone is obviously not a good thing for me. I already abused it and put Heroin in my veins. If Suboxone is anywhere this light my sneaky addict side will kick in and have me strung out in no time. Perhaps Elizabeth is right, I should check myself into a duel diagnosis clinic and get my life straightened out. Its not like I have to worry about loosing my job if I go anywhere for an extended period of time. They might even get me to move out of my parents house.

I always sink into a depression when I get off a junk run. I see an empty cigar box with just a bunch or unused rigs, cottons, alcohol wipes, tourniquet, but no Heroin. Its like there is a big hole in me. I'm missing part of my heart. I'm so sad its gone. I shouldn't be, but I am. Its my husband and my life. I feel like Jesus' daughter when I run a spike into my vein.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'll soon be naked lying on the floor

I used two days worth of smack in one. I haven't made a call to buy anymore either. I'm going back to sober. I know I'm going to kick myself when I come down all the way and start feeling totally sick for my interlude with smack. As much as I loved it, I hated it. Finding a vein was like finding a diamond. It took hours of poking and digging. Flashing and missing.

So my goal for the day is to just not use to phone to call up my man. My goal for today is to fall in love with life, and soothe over my wounds and bruises. Flip on the telly watch some shows. Look for some cash paying jobs out there. I'm going to pretend it isn't so, I didn't just use, I just cleaned up, found Jesus, this bottle I'm stealing is just for fun. Pretend it isn't so. My life is a life taker.

I'm feeling blue, and I'm sure I lost my favorite shoe. I can't run and I can't kick. My mom found out that her brother has Leukemia, he's had it for a year and told only my grandma, and his girlfriend.  He had it under control for a year, but now its bad and today my Grandma called and told us the news. My mom was very upset. I hope he doesn't die. I don't want my Grandma to loose a child before she's gone. I also don't want my mom to loose a sibling.

I want to fall in love again. I fell so hard for Jess, and he did not reciprocate my feelings. At first though when he liked me a lot, that was so awesome. I was listening to love songs on the radio on the way to the clinic and I got to thinking. That first part of a relationship is the best part. Since Jess and I were only together for a month and never officially boyfriend and girlfriend we got to be in that fase of the "relationship  the whole month. Hip hip hooray. It could have lasted three months, and that bliss of the beginning of a relationship would have still been there, but I was way too crazy for that.

Still I think that I could take the plunge again.  I'm getting  older, and the type of guy that I like is getting older, which means he is getting cleaner. Yuck. I still want a dirty guy who thinks dirty thoughts, swears, spits, smokes, isn't afraid of anything. Is afraid of everything. Either way all or nothing. Pulls my hair during sex. So if this is you, feel free to fall in love with me. Plus I swear to you that I'm getting clean again. No more Judas for this cat.

Oh yeah it feels good, but right now its giveing me chills. I guess I'll just close my eyes. Jess broke my heart, and now I say this world is a water slide away from falling apart. I smell carmel apples. If I get a job it will be a heart breaker.   

Monday, October 11, 2010

throw down your umbilical nuce so I can climb back in.

I've been gone for a while. I have had a relapse, and a pretty bad one. So bad that my parents pretty much allowed me to use Heroin in the house. I had been getting so sick from going down on my dose that I was going crazy. I'll be finished at the Methadone clinic Nov. 13th. I'm down to a low enough dose on my Methadone that Heroin breaks through the Methadone easily. I'm under 30mgs. Probably under 20mgs. I don't keep track anymore. I just know that when I wake up I wake up sick as dog. Then one day I woke and had a sore throat and fever. There was no way I was going to be able to deal with junk sickness and real sickness. So I took a ride and met my man, and made buy. I picked up a bag of works to put together. As soon as I got home I shot up a good amount to make sure I felt it. Thinking I might not because of the Methadone. I put myself out of commission for the rest of the night. I didn't need that big of a shot anymore. My junk sickness was gone, and my throat didn't hurt so bad while I was high. I still need Advil for my fever.

It took to two days for my parents to catch on. I denied and denied. I still deny, but we all know that I'm using again. I just keep it out of my daytime life. My Methadone dose keeps life livable now that I'm feeling better, and at night I get high. I enjoy every second of it. I can't wait for 7pm to roll around every day. Often I cheat and start at dusk.

I know this was an incredibly stupid thing for me to start doing. I was doing so well, and now this. I plan on stopping my runs to my dealers. I can't keep coming up with reasons for leaving and driving almost an hour to get the stuff, and plus I'm broke. Not to mention I'm no longer suffering from a sore throat and fever. So its time for me to get back to the way things should be. Me going down on my dose every Saturday. I have enough Heroin for two more days. After that I'm done with my long lost love. I will miss my love, I know that this love is bad for me. This love causes me not to blog, and not to change my clothes, or shower, or even brush my teeth. The only place my body is clean is where I wipe the alcohol pad before inject the Heroin. Then I make my way out to the porch to smoke a cigarette, where I nod out. Which is where my parents always hassle me about using. This is why I wait for them to go to be or at least try to wait for them to go to bed.

I'm so sorry for not answering your comments. I'm so bad about that. I do read ever single comment I get, and JB I got your email, and am not ignoring you. I just lost your email address because I deleted your email right after I read it for some reason. So I would have had to sign into my yahoo account and find you in my contacts and email you from my blackberry. I will get back to you though. Sorry about this, I know you like to keep things private. I'm just lazy.

As far as other things in my life. I haven't texted or gotten a text from Jess since I last posted. I still want to fuck him. I want to save my money and fly to New York and fuck other people too. These people I don't know though, but  Jess I do know. I am going to text him today and tell him I still want to fuck him, just to see if he still wants to fuck me.