Saturday, October 16, 2010

every man kills what he loves

I haven't used Heroin since I ran out. I've dived into my dad's Percocets, but no Heroin. I don't even get high off the Percocets, but they keep the sickness at bay. I got a UA at the Methadone clinic which I know I tested + for Opiates and I know they aren't going to do anything because I've already been kicked out. My last day is already set, and I move on to the Suboxone. I'm trying to stay positive about leaving the Methadone clinic. I've been hooked to the clinic by an umbilical cord for three or four years now. Severing that cord means finally losing the weight I gained, not having to get up everyday at the but crack of dawn. No more nodding out everyday, no more lots of things, like all day naps.Getting off the 'done is a going to be a huge change in my life.

I've thought about checking into a duel diagnosis clinic, but I've decided to wait to see if the Suboxone works. I can't take any more of my dad's pills. I just have to suffer through the nights of sweating, and not being able to sleep, with pain in my bones. Waking up puking and pooping. I finally fall asleep after taking Tylenol PMs without the Tylenol in them. I fall asleep around three am. I wake up around 5am soaking wet with sweat, and having to vomit, and poop at the same time. I cry and hate myself for doing this to myself.

When I get to the clinic and get my dose, and the dose kicks in about 15 minutes after I take it, I littlerly dance with joy. I feel better for about 12 to 16 hours. I don't get high, I don't nod out, I just feel better, and that is enough to make dance with joy. Getting high makes me want to fall to my knees and praise whatever made opiates and kiss "its" feet. What I imagine as heaven is that scene in Wizard of oz wear they all fall asleep in the poppy field. Then they get to Oz and the horses change colors and instead of there being problems it would be the perfect place with a poppy field being cultivated right outside of town. All the Heroin  you could want would be available to you.

I herd this morning on the news, that falling in love produces a high just like morphine. So there is a reason I'm always wanting to fall in love on here. It causes me to get high. I swear to you I could take love over Heroin for at least a few days. When I was with Jess, I was always writing about him more than I was writing about smack.

Btw, Jess found himself a new girlfriend. So there will be no bootycalls. I won't be having sex for a long time. He's the only guy that I wanted to have sex with, that lived close by. Well, there is this guy at the clinic that I like, but I don't even know his name. Plus I highly doubt that he likes me.Then there is this guy who lives far away, but he's married. I can't do that. Now that Jess has found himself someone new, I've found that its much easier to leave him alone. I don't feel any inclination to text him or email him. I don't want to interfere with his new girlfriend.

I went to the bar on Thursday, and the bartender who was a guy and was only 22, we got along very well. He had the same taste in music as I did. I seen a great Fiona Apple video, with the guy from the Hangover, the fat one, the funny one. I think he's hot. Its an old video, Its form when the Pawn breaks or when the Pawn hits. I think the song was called this isn't love, or something like that. I'm going to go to download it today after I'm done blogging. Which is right now. I have to spell check of course first.

My best wishes.XX


Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

you sound strong as hell right now, anna, even if you don't feel it sometimes or most of the time or whatever. staying away from all the shit-- dad's percs, heroin, any junk, is hard as all fuck, i know, i know, and i'm really feelin how hard you are working at everything. i'm looking forward to your next phase with you! droppin' weight if you feel you need to, feeling better on the suboxone OR if you go for a treatment place, just getting past the methadone cycle... i have a good feeling about it! sending you mad love, girl.

btw, damn i had no idea or memory of that hangover dude (zack galiflinakis or whatever, i know i spelled it way wrong) bein in a fiona apple video! i love a lot of her music, mostly the older stuff. i gotta check it now!

Anonymous said...

Anna i had a killer habit for about 15 years tried done heaps of times but it never works ,but with sub or what ever the fuck you call them in US ,they worked out well for me as soon as i wake up their next to my bed i take them and i dont even think about smack ,unlike done even after a dose you still think about it 'subs'seems to put you in a different mind set and you dont get the Done Blues, best of luck BTW you can get by on a very small dose cheers Ant

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Just saying yo, Anna.