Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I'll soon be naked lying on the floor

I used two days worth of smack in one. I haven't made a call to buy anymore either. I'm going back to sober. I know I'm going to kick myself when I come down all the way and start feeling totally sick for my interlude with smack. As much as I loved it, I hated it. Finding a vein was like finding a diamond. It took hours of poking and digging. Flashing and missing.

So my goal for the day is to just not use to phone to call up my man. My goal for today is to fall in love with life, and soothe over my wounds and bruises. Flip on the telly watch some shows. Look for some cash paying jobs out there. I'm going to pretend it isn't so, I didn't just use, I just cleaned up, found Jesus, this bottle I'm stealing is just for fun. Pretend it isn't so. My life is a life taker.

I'm feeling blue, and I'm sure I lost my favorite shoe. I can't run and I can't kick. My mom found out that her brother has Leukemia, he's had it for a year and told only my grandma, and his girlfriend.  He had it under control for a year, but now its bad and today my Grandma called and told us the news. My mom was very upset. I hope he doesn't die. I don't want my Grandma to loose a child before she's gone. I also don't want my mom to loose a sibling.

I want to fall in love again. I fell so hard for Jess, and he did not reciprocate my feelings. At first though when he liked me a lot, that was so awesome. I was listening to love songs on the radio on the way to the clinic and I got to thinking. That first part of a relationship is the best part. Since Jess and I were only together for a month and never officially boyfriend and girlfriend we got to be in that fase of the "relationship  the whole month. Hip hip hooray. It could have lasted three months, and that bliss of the beginning of a relationship would have still been there, but I was way too crazy for that.

Still I think that I could take the plunge again.  I'm getting  older, and the type of guy that I like is getting older, which means he is getting cleaner. Yuck. I still want a dirty guy who thinks dirty thoughts, swears, spits, smokes, isn't afraid of anything. Is afraid of everything. Either way all or nothing. Pulls my hair during sex. So if this is you, feel free to fall in love with me. Plus I swear to you that I'm getting clean again. No more Judas for this cat.

Oh yeah it feels good, but right now its giveing me chills. I guess I'll just close my eyes. Jess broke my heart, and now I say this world is a water slide away from falling apart. I smell carmel apples. If I get a job it will be a heart breaker.   

1 comment:

elizabeth said...

Why don't you consider signing yourself into a dual diagnosis unit and getting yourself together? The way you are living your life is just crazy. I care.