I know the recipe for a slip is me having money in my pocket, mainly cash. Which I had some of two days ago , and I made a stupid phone call to my man, and bought 80 dollars worth of Dilauded, which is 8 pills. I used them up in two days. Again I got caught at the Methadone clinic by UA. I have a tooth ache, and rationalized my use by saying I was taking the Dilauded for my toothache. I'm not calling this a full fledged relapse because it only lasted two days, and I only used 8 syringes. In Wisconsin we can still get Dilauded 8mgs, and that's what my dealer gets. They are the best. Break right thru my Methadone dose.
I managed to keep my use a secret by using only at night, and letting my Methadone dose keep me well during the day. I did say if I had another relapse I would check myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. , but since I'm not calling this a relapse, and am instead calling it a slip, I am not doing the duel diagnosis center thing. I am still going to wait until Nov. 16 and the Suboxone to see if that works. If that doesn't work, I swear on my sister's grave that I will sign myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. What I'm doing now isn't working. When My class starts I can't be having slips, and relapses. If I am having slips and relapses while in class I'm not getting out of the class what I want, so dropping out and getting myself into a duel diagnosis clinic would be the smart thing to do.
To be truthful I don't want to up root my life and sign into a rehab again. I've done rehab four times, and they didn't work before, why would this one work. Just because its duel diagnosis? They only way its going to work is if they hook me up to an IV of Methadone that is a blocking dose. Which means it blocks the receptors in my brain from getting high off Heroin or any other kind of opiate. Right now I'm not at a blocking dose. After the rehab they always want to put you in a sober living facility, and yes, I do think that would be good for me. Finally getting out on my own. Those places are usually cheap enough that my SSI payments would pay for the rent. Living in a sober living facility means living with a lot of fragile addicts, which means meeting people with connections, which means if I'm feeling like using and so is somebody else we put our heads together and we relapse and we do so big time, and I end up in jail. Which is what happened to me last time. Every friend that I made in the rehab ended up relapsing at the same time as I did. We all had new connections thanks to each other. We could get any kind of drug we wanted then.
So I fear rehab, its not a good place to make friends. Same thing at NA meetings. Finding a sponsor is like finding Snow White. I've alienated my friends from high school by my drug use. The friends I've made as an adult I keep in contact with, but we don't do much together. Aside from tonight. We are going to a haunted house, and having a sleep over, making margaritas, watching scary movies. I'm not feeling sick at all. I didn't use long enough to get dope sick. I still have diarrhea, but I'm used to that now. I take a medication for that. Now I just get the cramps. I sweat like pig while sleeping. I have no appetite at all. Cigarettes taste funny, but I still smoke like a mad women.
I'm sorry for letting everyone down. I 'm disappointed in myself, I can't seem to get past the needle and its allure. I'm weak, I'm a loser, and I hate myself and want to die. If my bi polar were to kick in and I were to cycle I wouldn't fool around with pills trying to kill myself, I'd bite the end of a shot gun. I just gave ammunition to the anonymous commenter's who tell me to kill myself. Assholes.I guess that's enough for the day. Spell check here I come, then a sleep over with a bunch a femme fatals.