Friday, October 29, 2010

The rest of my life is up in the air.

I know the recipe for a slip is me having money in my pocket, mainly cash. Which I had some of two days ago , and I made a stupid phone call to my man, and bought 80 dollars worth of Dilauded, which is  8 pills.  I used them up in two days. Again I got caught at the Methadone clinic by UA. I have a tooth ache, and rationalized my use by saying I was taking the Dilauded for my toothache. I'm not calling this a full fledged relapse because it only lasted two days, and I only used 8 syringes. In Wisconsin we can still get Dilauded 8mgs, and that's what my dealer gets. They are the best. Break right thru my  Methadone dose.

I managed to keep my use a secret by using only at night, and letting my Methadone dose keep me well during the day. I did say if I had another relapse I would check myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. , but since I'm not calling this a relapse, and am instead calling it a slip, I am not doing the duel diagnosis center thing. I am still going to wait until Nov. 16 and the Suboxone to see if that works. If that doesn't work, I swear on my sister's grave that I will sign myself into a duel diagnosis center and start over with my life. What I'm doing now isn't working. When My class starts I can't be having slips, and relapses. If I am having slips and relapses while  in class I'm not getting out of the class what I want, so dropping out and getting myself into a duel diagnosis clinic would be the smart thing to do.

To be truthful I don't want to up root my life and sign into a rehab again. I've done rehab four times, and they didn't work before, why would this one work. Just because its duel diagnosis? They only way its going to work is if they hook me up to an IV of Methadone that is a blocking dose. Which means it blocks  the receptors in my brain from getting high off Heroin or any other kind of opiate. Right now I'm not at a blocking dose. After the rehab they always want to put you in a sober living facility, and yes, I do think that would be good for me. Finally getting out on my own. Those places are usually cheap enough that my SSI payments would pay for the rent. Living in a sober living facility means living with a lot of fragile addicts, which means meeting people with connections, which means if I'm feeling  like using and  so is somebody else we put our heads together and we relapse and we do so big time, and I end up in jail. Which is what happened to me last time. Every friend that I made in the rehab ended up relapsing at the same time as I did. We all had new connections thanks to each other. We could get any kind of drug we wanted then.

So I fear rehab, its not a good place to make friends. Same thing at NA meetings. Finding a sponsor is like finding Snow White. I've alienated my friends from  high school by my drug use. The friends I've made as an adult I keep in contact with, but we don't do much together. Aside from tonight. We are going to a haunted house, and having a sleep over, making margaritas, watching scary movies. I'm not feeling sick at all. I didn't use long enough to get dope sick. I still have diarrhea, but I'm used to that now. I take a medication for that. Now I just get the cramps. I sweat like pig while sleeping. I have no appetite at all. Cigarettes taste funny, but I still smoke like a mad women.

I'm sorry for letting everyone down. I 'm disappointed in myself, I can't seem to get past the needle and its allure. I'm weak, I'm a loser, and I hate myself and want to die. If my bi polar were to kick in and I were to cycle I wouldn't fool around with pills trying to kill myself, I'd bite the end of a shot gun. I just gave ammunition to the anonymous commenter's who tell me to kill myself. Assholes.I guess that's enough for the day. Spell check here I come, then a sleep over with a bunch a femme fatals. 

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're always welcome to come down to Alabama. So long as you bring your psych meds, I can help you detox off the rest. Plus it's pretty much impossible to find anything down here, so you'd be able to stay dry if you really want to.

If it's true all you've ever really wanted to do was do heroin since you were in middle school, maybe you could find something else that gives your life direction. Like maybe get into a school and work towards a degree in something that interests you.

Or work so you can finance a hobby you enjoy.

Sincerely,
V for ....

Anonymous said...

What's a slip? The floor was wet and you fall on a rig and it lands in your femeral artery? lol Seriously, Suboxone by itself creats a BUMP effect as opposed to a blocking effect that dolphine produces. So if you use on Suboxone there is No high at all and no getting over it with a stronger fix. But you will still have to deal with the needle fixation in your thoughts. I know cause I'm working through it. My brain was telling me the pills and tar ain't gonna work, try some crystal and go direct-IV. But you know where that goes.
It's a strugle sometimes but life is definately better without the leash of active addiction.
Take it EZ,-Gilligan

Anna Grace said...

V for something,
Thanks for the offer. The first thing you learn in rehab is you can't run away from your addiction. Hospitals still have Diluded and I can fake having advanced HIV. Which is something I used to do.
Your right about the new goal, which I do have. If this class goes well I want to return to school @ UWGB, and write ny second novel and get published by a real publisher.

Anna Grace said...

Charlie,
I'm so glad your staying sober. Thanks for the information about the Suboxone. Only one more month until I fly down to Hawaii and see you again.
Xoxoxo
Ttyl Gilligan.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

Damn, this puts it into perspective for me... For my migraines, they OCCASIONALLY (because the doctors are all paranoid, dickhead motherfuckers) give me Diluadid, and I think the most I EVER got was maybe 3 mg or like 2.5? I don't remember how it comes, but that shit fucked me UP, I wanted to steal a million vials and never come back from dreamworld. So if you are at the point of needing 8 mg, I am feeling for you. But the Suboxone did work for me, I really felt well on it for the first time in ages (I was mainly a pill-head), just you will need a higher dose of it than I did of course.

Anna Grace said...

Tatyana,
I'm gonna respond to all your comments on this comment. First off I read the book by Scott W. Ex wife. I don't remember the name either. I have a nook for an E book.
Thanks for promising to buy my book, if you buy it e book I get more of the profits
I'm excited to go to school this month. Class starts on Wednesday the 3.
Thanks for the praise you give my shitty blog. I'm glad someone or at least a few people like it.
Ttyl
Anna Grace

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
Please let us know how your class went.

I am so proud of you for going!

Love,

SB

Anonymous said...

How in the fucking hell do you fake having advanced HIV??? That has to be quite a trick...won't a simple blood test bust you? 'uhhh Anna, your blood work is back from the lab and you show no signs of advanced HIV nor any HIV at all. Was this just a ploy to get hydromorphone?!!


Randy.S.

Anna Grace said...

Pretending to HIV was just a ploy to get Hydromorphone. I would go to emergency rooms and hoped and prayed they didn't take any blood. Usually they didn't.