Monday, October 11, 2010

throw down your umbilical nuce so I can climb back in.

I've been gone for a while. I have had a relapse, and a pretty bad one. So bad that my parents pretty much allowed me to use Heroin in the house. I had been getting so sick from going down on my dose that I was going crazy. I'll be finished at the Methadone clinic Nov. 13th. I'm down to a low enough dose on my Methadone that Heroin breaks through the Methadone easily. I'm under 30mgs. Probably under 20mgs. I don't keep track anymore. I just know that when I wake up I wake up sick as dog. Then one day I woke and had a sore throat and fever. There was no way I was going to be able to deal with junk sickness and real sickness. So I took a ride and met my man, and made buy. I picked up a bag of works to put together. As soon as I got home I shot up a good amount to make sure I felt it. Thinking I might not because of the Methadone. I put myself out of commission for the rest of the night. I didn't need that big of a shot anymore. My junk sickness was gone, and my throat didn't hurt so bad while I was high. I still need Advil for my fever.

It took to two days for my parents to catch on. I denied and denied. I still deny, but we all know that I'm using again. I just keep it out of my daytime life. My Methadone dose keeps life livable now that I'm feeling better, and at night I get high. I enjoy every second of it. I can't wait for 7pm to roll around every day. Often I cheat and start at dusk.

I know this was an incredibly stupid thing for me to start doing. I was doing so well, and now this. I plan on stopping my runs to my dealers. I can't keep coming up with reasons for leaving and driving almost an hour to get the stuff, and plus I'm broke. Not to mention I'm no longer suffering from a sore throat and fever. So its time for me to get back to the way things should be. Me going down on my dose every Saturday. I have enough Heroin for two more days. After that I'm done with my long lost love. I will miss my love, I know that this love is bad for me. This love causes me not to blog, and not to change my clothes, or shower, or even brush my teeth. The only place my body is clean is where I wipe the alcohol pad before inject the Heroin. Then I make my way out to the porch to smoke a cigarette, where I nod out. Which is where my parents always hassle me about using. This is why I wait for them to go to be or at least try to wait for them to go to bed.

I'm so sorry for not answering your comments. I'm so bad about that. I do read ever single comment I get, and JB I got your email, and am not ignoring you. I just lost your email address because I deleted your email right after I read it for some reason. So I would have had to sign into my yahoo account and find you in my contacts and email you from my blackberry. I will get back to you though. Sorry about this, I know you like to keep things private. I'm just lazy.

As far as other things in my life. I haven't texted or gotten a text from Jess since I last posted. I still want to fuck him. I want to save my money and fly to New York and fuck other people too. These people I don't know though, but  Jess I do know. I am going to text him today and tell him I still want to fuck him, just to see if he still wants to fuck me.


Anonymous said...

Anna why in the world are you doing this to youself? You have come such a long way to do this. You know your mother reads you. Please stay strong and get it together Anna.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love you no matter what, but I am very sorry to hear you are using again. What a damn shame.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I feel bad for you when you relapse... but right now Im wondering if its not that bad, I mean.. maybe its the life you want and you are always feeling with so much guilt just because other people are constantly telling you: "dont do it its bad dont do it is bad"
Do what you want, you are not killing anyone by shooting heroine... and the ones who smoke? Its the same, only slower