Wednesday, October 13, 2010

When I'm closeing in on death

I woke up to my cellphone alarm, the sun just coming up over the horizon. I had forgotten it is Wednesday, and at 7:30am I have a appointment with my councilor at the Methadone clinic. I have no time to change from my sweatpants, and t-shirt or put any makeup on. I just have to pull my hair back and run out the door. I grab my cigarettes, and down the elevator to the garage where I get into the Jeep. I light a cigarette, and open the garage door. The sun is in my eyes, so I pull down the visor. I take a left, go through a million lights. I make it there at exactly 7:30am. I run to my councilor's office. Since I'm leaving the Methadone clinic she doesn't do anything in depth with me anymore. She just shoots the shit, then reads out of a self esteem book for my benefit. She says my self esteem is very low. Which of course we all know it is. This book isn't really changing that. I'm still not at the body weight I want to be at, but I'm taking the steps I need to, to make sure that changes.

I feel ill, I need my Methadone dose, and sitting in that room listening to my counselor read out of that book, all I can think is give me my juice. I don't care how low I'm of a dose I'm at, anything is better than nothing. Then my councilor asks if the doctor who will be prescribing me the Suboxone got his licence pulled. As far as I know he didn't. Now I'm worried, and now I have doubts that this Suboxone isn't going to work as well as the Methadone. This low of a dose of Methadone is obviously not a good thing for me. I already abused it and put Heroin in my veins. If Suboxone is anywhere this light my sneaky addict side will kick in and have me strung out in no time. Perhaps Elizabeth is right, I should check myself into a duel diagnosis clinic and get my life straightened out. Its not like I have to worry about loosing my job if I go anywhere for an extended period of time. They might even get me to move out of my parents house.

I always sink into a depression when I get off a junk run. I see an empty cigar box with just a bunch or unused rigs, cottons, alcohol wipes, tourniquet, but no Heroin. Its like there is a big hole in me. I'm missing part of my heart. I'm so sad its gone. I shouldn't be, but I am. Its my husband and my life. I feel like Jesus' daughter when I run a spike into my vein.


elizabeth said...

Yes it is me again. Anna please consider the dual diagnosis unit. All I can see up ahead is lots of pain, (physical and emotional) the way you are going. If not for yourself, think of your parents....remember I care and so do your readers out there..

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Sorry you are depressed. Maybe the dual diagnosis unit would be good. At least it would be something different to try. Anything would be better than going back to heroin.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

hey anna

i was on suboxone and u can't abuse it for ages cos it has a blocker in it, and believe me it works. But ur just left with the conundrum "are u doing so well cos u can't use or cos u really don't wanna?" if its the latter i suggest also the dual diagnosis. My sister works at one here in the uk and she has had brilliant results at getting addicts even 15+ yrs living clean happy "balanced mood" lives. There really should be more of them, there's only a handful of those clinics here and I know for a fact most addicts use due to mental illness especially depression/bipolar.
hope u find some calm in ur storm
L xx

BMelonsLemonade said...

Give the suboxone a chance. It has an opiate blocker in it, and it creates a "ceiling effect" so you will not get high on it. Maybe suboxone in combination with some counseling. A dual diagnosis unit might really be a good starting point. They could probably give you buprenorphine(which is one of the two drugs in Suboxone.), and they could monitor your progress with it so that if you needed something more, they could manage that under observation. I have kicked several times in a facility, and it really is easier to stabalize from methadone or heroin use with medical help. Plus, the counselors and classes would e a good distraction. They would address and begin to manage your depression. You would have people to talk to that understand what you are going through. Plus, it would be a break from the grind. You would not have to worry about the world around, and you could focus on just Anna. Plus, when you left, they could probably help you find a sober living facility and you could start to get back on your feet, and living by yourself. It is not a bad idea.

Anonymous said...

Your blog is fascinating. When I read your writings, I feel as if it's a book by Ellen Hopkins, or Nic Scheff.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

yeah, i'm kinda agreeing about the dual-diagnosis place BUT i cannot speak from experience of being in one, only the fact that i think i SHOULD have been in one. i DID do the suboxone though, and it worked wonders for me. i did really well with it for the most part and did not find it awful to get off of it when the time came. but everyone is so different, i don't know. worth a try at least, i would say. and keep looking/researching the dual-d places in case you need them maybe... not like you asked for my advice, but these are just my thoughts while i'm reading.