Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I love Heroin

I think some of you have the wrong impression of me and my new found sobriety with Suboxone. You seem to think it is what I want. By no means is it what I want. I've been backed into a corner by my parents and forced to clean up my act or forced to face the wrath of my father's empirical reign, and my mother's un sympathetic, and cruel way of beating me down when I'm using. Forcing me to feel as guilty as possible when I use. I can't stand to see them all up in arms when I'm out using. Plus I'm living in Wisconsin where I have to drive three to four hours to get Heroin. If I were in Hawaii I would no doubt be using Heroin and hiding it from my parents. Every side glance from my father would be dismissed with a I'm not feeling well, or I'm tired.

I am no where near ready to get off dope. I am ready to just start getting deep into the muck again. So don't get the wrong idea. I maybe doing well now, but its all up in the air. Its yet another forced sobriety. I've been backed into a corner by people I feel bigger than I. Forced to clean up my act, and make a pretty smile while doing so. The moment I'm let loose, the moment Heroin falls into my lap again it will be injected into my vein.

All day every day I think about Heroin. I love it, I crave it, I want it, I'll die for it.

I know I'm fucked up.


Gledwood said...

Remember that guy in the mall/wherever who gave you that superman bag. How long did that last?

Anna Grace said...

It lasted about three weeks ago.

Gledwood said...

That was a long time to keep it. I rest my case. If you wanted gear that much you would be talking to people in and outside the clinic, taking that bus or train ride doing whatever it took. But you're not. If you can make a bag, even if just one point (is that what it weighed?) last that long you don't actually want it as badly as you think.
To be frank I don't understand how you managed to keep it. Did you put it somewhere way away from your house?
I know you said it was small, but any port in a storm. Or there ain't a storm. You with me??

Gledwood said...

Before I forget here are 4 good books about writing

The Craft of Novel Writing
and Creative Writing by Dianne Doubtfire. 1st should be available, not sure about 2nd, sure it's long out of print

Becoming a Writer by Dorothea Brande

Stephen King on writing, can't remember title of book but it's good and has been recommended to me

They'll all be on Amazon. If Dad is that pleased you are not using surely he'll get them for you.... pay back later.

Boston Joe said...

Hey... don't know if this is the best thing to tell you but you can totally use when you are on suboxone, you just have to plan it out right. How much does are you on? I was on 8mgs a day and if I took it real early one morning, I could totally get high the next morning and then I could just take another sub the next morn, you just gotta be careful to wait long enough before you take a subby after you use but 12 hours is usually plenty of time if it is H cause the 1/2 life is so short. that is why you have to be sick for so long when you on done before you can take the subs cuase the 1/2 life for done is like 48hours. that is why I did them for so long, till I was really ready to quit on my own and got off everything. Good luck and be safe.

Gledwood said...

Anna have you seen the madness at mine? People are going nuts now.
Have you ever known a situation like that? If so please say something

It's about 5 down, dried up lake picture and loads and loads of comments

Gledwood said...

I was joking when I posted today. You're not upset are you? I'll change it

Anonymous said...

The Stephen King book on writing is called On Writing. It's great, Amazon has the 10th anniversary edition out now.

Anna, I randomly came across your blog when googling something else on Tuesday. I don't really read blogs, but I've read some of yours, and I've been thinking about you quite a bit. I actually have a lot to say, but I'm not sure you care to hear it, plus I don't even know if I can post this comment without joining this site or something. And I'm typing this out on my phone so I'll be brief(ish).

I have yet to meet anyone who stopped using heroin because they stopped liking heroin. If dope's your thing, that is. People stop using heroin because they are tired of the consequences, and eventually, after staying off it for enough time (without the suboxone-substitute or methadone) they stop wanting it. It takes a long time to reset your brain chemistry, but it's totally achievable.

BMelonsLemonade said...

If you do not want to stop using, then you probably won't. You may take a break from it, and you may clean up until...At least that is how it always was with me. You have to have some kind of reason or motivation to want to stop. I will agree with annonymous, also. I still think about it. And I still love it. Sometimes I miss even the really shitty parts about it. Sometimes I look back, too fondly. But, at this point in my is just not worth it...the consequences are just too great. I have a child, and that is more than enough reason to never look back. But, you have to get to the point that the consequences outweigh the love affair. And you have to get to the point where your life is good enough without heroin to never look back. It takes time, a lot of trial and error. It is a long road, and if you are not will not happen. A forced sobriety does not usually one can make you do it, it is something you will have to do on your own. I just hope it does not take as much tradgedy in your life as I had to suffer before I quit. And don't be too hard on yourself...I think it is more important to be honest with yourself...which I like about you. I have known a lot of junkies to quit, and try to act like it never happened...they think if they never mention it, it will just go away. Those are the ones who relapse years later. Being honest with yourself is much better.

Anonymous said...

Why do you even bother? You obviously are not interested in bettering your life so go ahead and put the bullshit aside and stop laaning on your parents. Go out and be a homelesss full tme junkie. Thta's where you a re headed and you seem fine with it so stop using others and take responsibility for YOURSELF.

Anonymous said...

I honestly think you're smart and you know what you want. You have SSI Disabilty, so you won't be homeless and you're guaranteed to have at least a small income. With that you can move into subsidized housing and spend your money on Heroin. You'll die young but you'll die doing what you love, which is more respectable than those assholes who work behind a desk and repress themselves so they can reach a miserable old age.

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for the infor Boston Joe. I'm at 16mgs of Suboxone. So I'm scared to try using Heroin on it.

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for the Stephen King book. Thanks for comming across my blog and for the info.

Anna Grace said...

Oh God, I know what you mean.

Anna Grace said...

the two last Anons,
The reason I don't just go out and become a full blown junky is because I can't hurt my parents like that. They lost one daughter and to lose another to drugs yet again would be devistating. When I hurt them I hurt myself it seems like. I can't stand to see them cry, I can't stand to know I made them cry. That's why suicide is so hard for me carry out too. I just have to wait until they buy the farm.

Gledwood said...

Do you still get suicidal thoughts often? Or is it just more recent because of the Suboxone changeover?

Gledwood said...

ps if that's your reason not to use, and you stick by it, then it says an awful lot about you. In a very good way

Tori said...

I relate to you even though I am not an addict and never had a problem with drugs. Luckily, I tried pot twice and hated it, I did coke (I am 44) and loved it didn't do it until I was 18 and it was the 1st thing I tried and I did it for about 6 months every single day. I woke up one day with blood coming out of my nose and it scared the shit out of me (yes I am a wuss) and that was it. Plus, I was always scared to hurt my Mom. She only had me and was 34 when she finally did. Raised me on my own worked her ass off and I always admired her. Oh but I am 45 pounds over weight and smoke a whole lot.

I don't like how I look, how much I weigh, etc. I read a few of your posts and I am not sure how I even found it. But, I was reading it because my 20 y.o. beautiful son, it addicted to smoking oxi. And takes zanax, X and smokes a ton of weed. I like to read these just so I can try to understand what he battles and do my best to be patient with him whether he is using or trying not to. So, I want to Thank you for writing.

I did the Intervention in April with high hopes that it would work of course it didn't. I had to have him leave. Not because I wanted to but my younger son (12) was being deeply affected by his actions and my Husband had finally had enough - it went deeper than drugs it was gangs, stealing our money, etc.

He lives with my Mom now and will get cleaned up for about 3-4 weeks (only off oxi) but then he uses again. He says he is not using right now but I know he is lying. I am learning to accept him for what he is. It is his life not mine. His girlfriend that he is madly in lust/love with told him she would leave if he didn't get help. What hurts as a Parent is that he is no longer allowed in our home so this will be the 1st xmas EVER without him waking up here. I miss him even though I talk to him a couple of times a week. He calls for money I tell him no. I always end with I love you. But he and I were extremely close until gangs and then drugs took him from me.

For you to care that much about your Parents is wonderful. Give yourself credit for that. Especially if they have already lost one child.

I wish you peace and happiness and I hope you have the strength to stay clean and I hope that you find happiness and something in your life worth you staying clean.

Tori said...
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