Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'm on my last leg of Methadone treatment.

I'm alive. As I hope Melody Lee is also. Whom ever left that comment that she OD'ed may not even know and could be just getting us all in an uproar. It could even be Melody Lee herself playing a joke on all of us. At least these things I hope. Melody Lee is great writer, with an honest blog. She is herself and proud to be herself. She takes no shit and will kick you in the teeth if you give her shit. Sarah and Regina would know for sure if she is dead or alive. If either of you two are reading my blog and read this post please do comment and tell me what is going on with Melody Lee.

As for me, no I have not relapsed. I just haven't been inspired to write. I've been sick as hell, I must be at such a low dose that my body isn't even holding it for a full 8 hours. I'm suffering. I'm in junky hell. I have until November 16, and this will all be over. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't read, I can't write, (the only reason I'm writing right now is because I took one of my dad's Percocets) all I do is shit.

Yesterday I took some of my dad's pills, and Jess had called, and I went to Oshkosh, and we had a sex fest. It was nice, and now that I've totally given up on a relationship with him, and don't even really like him any more. I just like his cock, and his sex, it makes the sex much more fun, and it was fun before. Talking to him was much easier. Now that his brother and his brother's girlfriend are not living with him I was forced to socialize with only him. I didn't feel the need to impress him and  I spoke freely and spoke my mind. Even teased him. This defiantly won't be a every week thing, maybe a every once a month or two, if that. We are just friends with benefits. I want to try and help him get a real girlfriend. I didn't sleep over at his house either, first off I would have gotten sick, second off it just wouldn't be right for a booty call.

No more obsession with Jess. I guess that his girlfriend after me didn't work out. When I found out that he was seeing someone else I got over him immediately.  Now I'll never feel for him the same way again. Which is probably a good thing.

There is nothing new in my life. I am watching old movies on TCM like they are going out of style, and I have a crush on Humphrey Bogart, I never thought of myself as a star fucker, but Bogart and Zack G. from the Hangover and Due Date, I would totally due, even if it meant anal, and I hate anal. Of course Michael Pitt is another star I'd fuck, but not anal.

13 comments:

elizabeth said...

I am very glad you are "OK", in a manner of speaking that is. Hang in there and try to make this an "up" turn in your journey of this life. Hugs.

Danny said...

now that i read your blog regularly i get worried when there's a 3 day-week break!

tcm's great to take your mind of things or sooth the psyche. i don't have satellite, but my mother does and i go over to hers when i'm sick (like with the flu, not strung out!) to watch it.

there's a song i put up the other day on my blog, a shirley bassey one. you might like it the way you're feeling. its very rousing.

glad you're on the road to recovery, and remember the light at the end of the tunnel gets ever closer and brighter with each day

Beth said...

Anna- I, too, am glad that you're doing ok. I get worried as well when you don't post!

I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I want you to know that it does get better. Just keep working on it and don't beat yourself up for small setbacks. "Progress, not perfection."

You've got a lot of great things to say and such a way with words. Keep it up!

Brother Frankie said...

use the thomas recipe and immodium doubled up..

i may be a preacher, but am also an addict..

just google thomas recipe.. it works..

so does the amino acid protocol.

man anna, you are almost done with the slow tapers.. screw the subs, go to school, and just enjoy those gifts you have... writing, sense of humor (wacky but funny)..

you are loved
Brother Frankie

Brother Frankie said...

(noah, i found the email in the junk folder) sorry anout hijacking comment anna..


i will also keep an eye out for mel at the underground..

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anna,
I am glad to hear from you. I worry when you don't post too. I hope it's not true about Melody Lee, but it wouldn't be too surprising I guess. Let me know if you hear anything.

How is your class going?

Love,

SB

Brother Frankie said...

remember when we all thought the worst about noah?

we all tend to drift now and again... ill be praying to scary jesus (so says SB...LOL)

and we all get a copy of yer book right?

FG

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Are percocets strong enough that you can feel just one, you old junkie, you??!? How do you take 'em? Snorting? Swallowing? Banging up? I'm being awfully nosey here. I don't know about these things. Prescription painkiller use is a v American phenomenon, y'know. We just use heroin or methadone or little pills called DFs (dihydrocodeine). 30mg is equivalent to about 3mg meth, so the normal dose is about 120mg every 4 hours, for a raging addict. Though this might not hold you if your habit is severe. I once did an (official) DFs detox. The week before I cut down to just one £10 bag of heroin a day ~ which had previously been impossible. My habit had been treble that, as a bare minimum. Well y'know how much drugs you can get through when you've had money... Anyway I did 12 hours on this £10 bag and it wasn't the best gear but I was TRYING to cut down wasn't I? The other 12 hours I did on 4x30mg DFs every 4 hours ie 3 doses. So when I came in the rehab I felt fine ~ at for the 1st 24 hours. I had scored ultra-strong heroin that got me through the journey. When I arrived I was flat out on the couch surrounded by clucking junkies. I do not think they were impressed, I really looked fucked bc my tolerance had gone down. Anyway as I say, 1st 24 hours=fine. I coasted through. Next morning the dr said "sometimes the angels are with some people and they get through it easily" I thought oh cool. Then that enormous dose of ultra-strong heroin wore off and man! During the day I was fine on 120mg every 4 hours. But at night! You had to go 12 hours on just ONE 120mg dose. They gave you sleeping pills + antipsychotics. But nothing touched me. By day 2 I was on antidepressants. Missing all the good stuff, like when a fellow junkie tells their life story, bc I was in the counselling room crying. Every single time I have tried to detox I have had a breakdown, ranging from "depression" ("clinical" enough to get those pills and they do NOT dish pills out like sweets in rehab, it's about abstinence, as you know) to something more like a mixed bipolar mood which really really was horrible. Like being in a blizzard of negativity. Very very nasty. O man I've lost my cigarette/ Fucking thing. Where's the papers gone. O fuck this. BTW this is how I actually talk Anna. My blog is poshed up. Not to be false, but bc I thought if I started swearing on it I would never stop. So no sweaering = a posher me so the language goes up too. Ukh. O fuckit just let me get a fag paper.Found it. Smokin' away. I roll my own. Stricktly 100% tobacco I LOATHE cannabis. Hate it. More mental health issues. It makes me hear voices!!! With extreme paranoia. NOT fun. Anyway how did I get on the subject of DF118s? O yeah your Perco-moment. I don't think we even have that stuff here. What is it?

Gledwood said...

Are percocets strong enough that you can feel just one, you old junkie, you??!? How do you take 'em? Snorting? Swallowing? Banging up? I'm being awfully nosey here. I don't know about these things. Prescription painkiller use is a v American phenomenon, y'know. We just use heroin or methadone or little pills called DFs (dihydrocodeine). 30mg is equivalent to about 3mg meth, so the normal dose is about 120mg every 4 hours, for a raging addict. Though this might not hold you if your habit is severe. I once did an (official) DFs detox. The week before I cut down to just one £10 bag of heroin a day ~ which had previously been impossible. My habit had been treble that, as a bare minimum. Well y'know how much drugs you can get through when you've had money... Anyway I did 12 hours on this £10 bag and it wasn't the best gear but I was TRYING to cut down wasn't I? The other 12 hours I did on 4x30mg DFs every 4 hours ie 3 doses. So when I came in the rehab I felt fine ~ at for the 1st 24 hours. I had scored ultra-strong heroin that got me through the journey. When I arrived I was flat out on the couch surrounded by clucking junkies. I do not think they were impressed, I really looked fucked bc my tolerance had gone down. Anyway as I say, 1st 24 hours=fine. I coasted through. Next morning the dr said "sometimes the angels are with some people and they get through it easily" I thought oh cool. Then that enormous dose of ultra-strong heroin wore off and man! During the day I was fine on 120mg every 4 hours. But at night! You had to go 12 hours on just ONE 120mg dose. They gave you sleeping pills + antipsychotics. But nothing touched me. By day 2 I was on antidepressants. Missing all the good stuff, like when a fellow junkie tells their life story, bc I was in the counselling room crying. Every single time I have tried to detox I have had a breakdown, ranging from "depression" ("clinical" enough to get those pills and they do NOT dish pills out like sweets in rehab, it's about abstinence, as you know) to something more like a mixed bipolar mood which really really was horrible. Like being in a blizzard of negativity. Very very nasty. O man I've lost my cigarette/ Fucking thing. Where's the papers gone. O fuck this. BTW this is how I actually talk Anna. My blog is poshed up. Not to be false, but bc I thought if I started swearing on it I would never stop. So no sweaering = a posher me so the language goes up too. Ukh. O fuckit just let me get a fag paper.Found it. Smokin' away. I roll my own. Stricktly 100% tobacco I LOATHE cannabis. Hate it. More mental health issues. It makes me hear voices!!! With extreme paranoia. NOT fun. Anyway how did I get on the subject of DF118s? O yeah your Perco-moment. I don't think we even have that stuff here. What is it?

Gledwood said...

OK so it's up to 10mg oxycodone with crap. Was it a 10, a 5 or a 2.5? Me and my big nose! Haven't LITERALLY got a big nose. I'm a hamster. I have huge pouches in my cheeks. Brilliant for shoplifting...
O man I really was pissed earlier. As in drunk pissed, v British phrase I know. Obviously when you're drunk you gotta keep peeing. Hence pissed. Not pissed off. That's totally different though the 2 do SOMEHOW get intertwined in a lotta people, doncha think so?
SURELY Melody ain't dead. I really hope not. You know she blogs, or used to elsewhere. Somewhere called Junkie Underground something like that but I forget the URL.
Anna I hope you're all right.
I hope you're not pissed off at me too much for not being here.
I had problems of my own.
Also I promised I'd get you an email account I STILL HAVE NOT DONE I am well aware of that. And a HIT COUNTER I will still do this. I am a useless junkie. I do apologize. Cannot give excuses. I didn't do it bc I'm crap, that's all. Please forgive me.
I posted on the heroin drought and only ONE comment bc they're all pissed off at me for being back on gear. Not that there's any gear to do. It is the all time worst. I got ripped off this morning. Got MORE absolutely FREE in the evening!
Which is not saying much. Barely worth stabbing a vein for.
Sorry I hope I'm not making you crave.
I'm into sobriety too. Although I wavered and I hate having the decision taken out of my hands, I went to NA and I want what those people have. I just do not get how you do it. Sobriety. How???
Now Anna I gotta run. I will pepper another comment or 2 unless I fall asleep it is 5.18am I have NOT slept. Ukh.
On methadone and hating it.
Actually, not hating it as badly as I normally do. I just think of suicide every fucking day though I hate it. I mean I'm OK I'm OK but still not RIGHT y'know? The juice is holding me (thank God).
OK I'm orf. Take it easy and don't do anything I would!
xx
Gled
:-)

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

@BrotherFrankie-- ohhh, the "junk" folder... i'll pretend that's where MY email to you went also, and that you didn't blow me off.

@gledwood -- geez, the dihydrocodeine (is that it?) is quite popular with the Europeans, yeah? i was given some on a cruise ship awhile back, and i guess there's no well-known brand name (i.e. Vicodin, Ritalin, etc.)... the doc was impatient with me when I acted like WTF is that? when he gave it to me. interesting. i was just happy it was narcotic LOL

@anna-- is melody lee the one who writes with the name "dopedgirl"? i've been wondering where that girl is and worrying. it's been AWHILE. if someone finds out and tells you, please let us know too! good post as always, you little writing machine :)

Brother Frankie said...

tat.... im sorry, ill look..Gmail keeps them forever..

i get a few hundred emails a day..

frankie@thegatheringlakeside.org

if ya wanna go to the inbox..LOL

Gled..
pain pills are my specialty. one perc will not get any opiate user high. (will hold off a runny nose and the poops for an extra hour maybe..) 8-20 pills, might do sumpthin.. but, an oxcycontin 80 crushed and swallowed is better. now they are OP not OC, cant be abused they are crush proof, smoke proof, and filled with plastic so they cant be used IV..

i am opiate free by the way after a 300 MG a day...... whatever..

u r loved all
brother frankie