Saturday, November 20, 2010

were going to dumb now dumbie

Today is cold and gray here in the state of Wisconsin, city of Green Bay. Going outside for a cigarette is not even enjoyable. I want to enjoy my  vice. I love smoking, it occupies my fingers, mouth, mind, time. Just to have a smoke I have to bundle up like I'm going snowmobiling without the helmet. I so wished I were in Hawaii at this moment. I wouldn't even be awake yet. It would only  be 5am. I would have heroin to look forward to when I woke up.

This morning I woke up thinking about Jess. I know I have a new suitor, but like always I want what I can't have. Plus who knows if this guy I met online will like me when he meets me. I know that I like Jess, I know that  I love to fuck him. If only I were prettier, smarter, funnier, had a better attitude, were thinner, were anything but myself. If I were a model with big tits(I have big tits), but not the body to complement them, I would have many suitors. I could date Michale Pitt and fuck him like an animal. Just the thought makes me want to masturbate. Sorry Gledwood my King.

Watch neither of these guys will want anything to do with me in a week. Jess did promise to be my booty call until he found someone he can date. For whatever reason knowing there is another guy out there that might want to fuck me makes me only want to fuck Jess. I can't even explain how perfect Jess' cock is. Plus he's hot , and funny, and smart, and he doesn't want a relationship.

Enough about guys. Being off of Methadone is strange. I cry at the drop of a dime. I can smell and taste things better. Showers don't scare me anymore. I can  read a book all day again without falling asleep, I have no appetite, I want to walk around every where. My body is getting used to the pill, because my bowel movements are hard again, I still get sick to my stomach like I'm going to throw up in the evening. I've been watching a lot of the Nirvana Unplugged in New York DVD. God was Kurt attractive. Elliott Smith thought he was ugly, but in reality he was beautiful. Just not in the same way as Kurt. Sorry that was a bit off track, I just got up and put in the DVD.  Elliott's songs are soul touching. I wish I could have been his lover. Known him as a close friend at least. Why they, two beautiful people with the world at their feet off themselves I just don't understand. I can sympathize, because suicide is back on my mind. But I don't have millions of dollars, I don't have the love of my life... person or Heorin. Elliott I just finished his bio, and it seems he wasn't that big of a junky. He liked uppers a lot. I hope Jesus wanted both of them for sunbeams. See I'm crying over them.

A gun to the head would be a lot easier than all this bullshit. Trying to prove something to a bunch of assholes who I don't need to prove anything to. I'm just a person. Food, shelter, water, its all I need, when did we have to make a stamp on the world. Most of us will die leaving only children behind who will do the same. A few of us will leave something epic behind, music, book, science, math, etc...
If it weren't for my parents I would end it all, stop trying to prove myself in the real world. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here. Every moment I am here I want to be numbed by opiates. I'm too sensitive for this world. Every time you comment and want to hurt me you do it. Worse now that I don't have methadone to shield me. Still I will not disable anon comments. Everyone has the right to their own opinion. Just don't break my soul.


Anonymous said...

Hi Anna,

Much of Elliott smith and the big nothing is bullshit. It was poorly researched and rushed in order to capitalize on the anniversary of his death. Most of elliotts friends refused to speak with the author so his material is mostly second hand. Look out for a doco called 'searching for Elliott smith'. You can get news of screenings on Facebook. The director actually spoke with the people closest to Elliott at the time.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

I really liked Elliott Smith's music too. He seemed like a really sweet soul.

Love you, dear.