This morning I took triple my dose of Ritalin, and I am regretting it. My heart is pounding out of my chest, I'm hearing things, and seeing things. I can't keep my attention on one thing for two long. I'm hoping that blogging will settle me down a bit. I just took a few Clonazepams to counteract the effects of the Ritalin. I feel like I'm developing a tolerance to my Ritalin so today I took extra so I could work on my book and pound out some 20 to 30 pages, and blog and get in some good reading along with cleaning. Addict thinking. More is better. Its extended release, if I would have just waited it would have worked like it usually does at double the dose. There was no need for me to take triple the dose. Plus today I took a smaller dose of my Suboxone so I can take some of those pills I've been saving up. Weaning myself off the Suboxone for a few days.
Last night I got an email from Jess. He called me up from the minors again. I said I'd go over there on Wednesday night for some casual sex. I'm not really that excited about it. Sure I enjoy fucking him, or really being fucked by him. Its just every time I see him I get a little attached, and know that he could give a fuck less about me. In fact he probably dislikes if not hates me. I'm just a sure lay. (God my heart is pounding, I fucking hate speed. I wish I had some Heroin)
Going off subject here a bit. When your all strung out on junk after a while the routine gets old. Mutilating yourself with a spike every few hours, dealing with dealers, finding cash where there is non, disappointing everyone around you that you love and that loves you, disappointing yourself all for a fix that isn't even real. It makes you think your real, but its all fake. All you want is off, a cure. No more junk. You want your normal life back.
Then after a lot of hard work you start to get your normal life back, and you begin to realize normal life isn't that special. In everything you quickly see the opposite, the contradiction, and between the real and the unreal the irony, the paradox. I am my own worst enemy. There is nothing I wish to to do which I just as well not do. Even as a child, when I lacked for nothing, I wanted to die. I see no sense in struggling. I feel that nothing would be proved, substantiated, added or subtracted by continuing an existence which I have not asked for. Everybody around me is a failure, or if not a failure, ridiculous. Especially the successful ones. The successful ones bore me to tears. So why not numb myself to this reality. If not numb myself kill myself, and if I shall meet God, I will do so calmly and spit in his face.
So for those of you who read Gledwoods blog and read about how much he wants to get off Heroin, and then read my blog and how much I want to get back on perhaps the above sums it up. Not everybody feels the same as I do, but its why I feel as I do.
Okay, back to Jess, again with the stupid emails. One would think I learned my lesson last time, but no I just cannot stop my fingers. He's not the only one. I think too much, and either say or write what I'm thinking and press the send button on the talk ,or the email/text. Like last night I called him my silly, stupid pass time of mine, always good for a fuck. Which may have hurt his feelings. I didn't mean he was stupid, I just meant using him has my pass time was stupid of me. After that I just got done watching Boardwalk Empire, and after that was Big Love. So I emailed him and asked him if he it were legal, would he marry more than one woman. He said he would never marry again. Then I set up a scenario where he falls in love and she really wants to get married. He said maybe. Just joking I asked if I could be an usher at the wedding. If anybody asked I would say I knew the groom from booty calls, and he broke my heart once.
Just fucking stupid. If he hadn't emailed me, I wouldn't have emailed him. I had made that promise to myself. I know guys hate being told how much a girl likes them, especially a girl they don't like back, and inadvertently I told him that I liked him by telling him that he broke my heart. Do I like him now? Only when I'm with him. When he's not around I have a particular distaste for him. It maybe all in my head, he may not hate me, or even dislike me. He may be neutral. Still neutral sucks. I'd rather be numb. Hell I'd always rather be numb. I don't understand why he doesn't go to the bar and pick up a chick instead of calling me up from the minors. We aren't exclusive so maybe he does get it on with chicks from the bar. Good for him, maybe he'll meet one he really likes. Hopefully I meet someone I really like first.
Its funny I watched all love story movies yesterday, and he sends me a boot e mail, and I didn't even think of going over there that night Even though I had nothing going on. Instead I said maybe Wednesday night. If nothing comes up between now and Wednesday I'll go over there. Because I'm a glutton for punishment. Because I never asked to be born. Because he doesn't get my dry sense of humour nearly well actually black sense of humour. Although I think he's funny.
Oh fuck I've written another blog about him. How utterly pathetic. In my book, I hate myself and want to die, its hard for me to read, because most of what happens in it really happened to me, around me, with me. Plus I've read the book probably 50 times. Different parts even more, getting the wording just as I wanted it. I hate reading the part where I go into the Methadone clinic after a three day Coke binge, and my councilor calling me into her office and calling my probation agent. Who then tells me I'm going to jail, all the while my dog is in the car and I have no one to take care of her. I hate myself for choosing drugs over my dog, making my dog live through all that commotion, drug dealers in and out of the apartment, buyers in and out, people using with me in and out. Eleanor likes her routine. She hates it when people come over and stay long periods. I put her through so much. Just writing about it now makes me feel like a piece of shit who will never be a good person.
At least the clonazepam has made my heart stop pounding out of my chest. I can concentrate again. No more funny colors, or noises. My jaw aches from having it clenched shut. Eleanor is happy now. I'm not using Heroin or Crack, or Coke on a regular basis any more. Addicts don't come through my door as if they own the place. I'm not up all hours of the night with the TV on, put the sound off, and the CD player on with Elliott Smith, and Nirvana always coming from the speakers. Drug sniffing dogs coming through the building and always sitting in front of my door, getting my apartment searched. I never kept the stuff in the house. Always in my car in a safe. The dogs just smelled the smoke from the previous nights.
What else is there to say. Jess is an asshole that I haven't the self esteem to say no to. I also want his sex. Unfortunately, as much as I hate to admit it to myself I have feelings for the guy. So I get to get hurt all over again on Wednesday when he treats me like masturbation that can talk. I do my best not show that he's hurt me in anyway, and try to get out of there fast, goof around with him about getting him a girlfriend. Which I do want for him. Or he can sow his wild oats.
What do I want for myself. I want someone smart, someone who gets my sense of humor, and hates it when I lie. Someone who reads books, knows more than me, but lets me do my know it all thing for a few hours, until I realize what I'm doing and shut up, and apologize. I'm bossy, know it all, laugh at your pain, chain smoking, drug addicted, crazy...literally, delusions of grandeur, low self esteem, at first when I really like someone jealous, but that wears off as soon as I've been disappointed by that person.