I really don't have anything to write about. I went to my Physc Doctor today, and he is loosing his licence to write narcotic prescriptions, so I asked him to write me out a presciption of Dilauded. He's losing his licence already, what harm is it going to do. He asked me why I need Dilauded, I told him I just wanted it. He said, if I would of at least came in and pretended to have a back ache he would have done it, but since I came and told him I was going to abuse them he wouldn't do it for me. I shouldn't be so blunt. Its probably best I didn't get the script, and get all strung out again. My parents would have been fucking pissed off. They would have been so angry because I got the prescription from a doctor, and its not illegal, the fact that I'm shooting just means that I'm using in a different way than he told me to. A more direct way.
He upped my Ritalin script, and put me on Lunesta. This doctor has a good writing hand. No wonder they took his narcotic privileges away. Which means I drive and pay for my Suboxone. I might I stress might, not have to pay for the suboxone. That shit is expensive. Its very expensive. As expensive or more expensive than the Methadone. I can't go back on the Methadone. I was kicked off, but the doctor did say I could go to the clinic in Appleton, a half hour drive from here. Door county is a 50 minute drive from here. That would be once a month, Methadone would be every day, and I wouldn't loose weight.
I'm getting a zit on my chin. Just fucking great. I had to put on makeup today to go to the doctor's appointment. My mom is cooking some kind of sweet dessert. I told her not to make any desserts, as I'm trying to loose as much weight as humanly possible. I miss being junky thin. I have been stock piling my dads percocets, so I can go off the suboxone for four to six days and have no tolerance, and get high off them. No nodding high, but that soft glow of numbness that you get when you take a low level narcotic. Ask a doctor if a Percocet is low level narcotic, and he'll say no, but ask a junky and he'll say yes it is. Its been a while since I've used Oxycontin, but I've been told that Oxycontin's are no longer the drug to take. Some other drug has taken over the scene. Dilauded has been on the scene since the 50's, and is still on the scene. Ask any junky who knows anything about pills, and he will tell Dilauded is hospital heroin which is still popular today. Doctors don't prescribe Dilauded that easily, but lately its coming back. Doctors are prescribing it again, because it works, and its cheap.
I'm still replacing my Methadone and Clonazepam high with my pep pills. Which as a bi polar my doctor shouldn't give me, but I asked him write it out for me so I could loose weight, and he did.
I really like Bright Eyes right now. Not as much as Nirvana, or Elliott Smith, but I've been listening to him/them a lot. I've got a feeling he's got a habit. He sings about a habit, in Lua. He doesn't talk directly directly about it, and I'm not even sure its junk, it could be coke. Coke isn't really addictive like Heroin, its habit forming, but you don't get sick when you get off it. You crave it, but your body doesn't need it. Not that coke addiction is any better than Heroin. I am a drug snob, even though I use any drug you put in front of me. I prefer opiates to all other drugs. Right now I'm substituting my opiate high for an amphetamine high. Still I consider myself a drug snob. I only like to hang out with opiate junkies. It takes one to know one. I think you got it bad. What was normal in the evening by the morning seem insane.
Did you ever notice you have a idea at night that seems like the best idea in the world, and in the morning the idea seems stupid, Like I often want to kill myself at night, and in the morning I won't anymore. So I'm lucky I didn't do it that night, because I would have regretted it in the morning.
I want to look skinny like a model with my eyes all painted black.