Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I think therefore I am

Sorry I've been away for so long. My computer was not letting me sign into blogger for a couple of days, and the other few I just wasn't feeling inspired to write. Today I'm writing because I've been watching too many movies about dead people who think they are still alive. Passenger's is the main one. Anne Hathaway is the stars in a film about Passenger's of an plane crash that are dead, but don't know it, and slowly figure it out.

What if I'm dead, and this is my afterlife. What if my sister is the only one who survived a car accident me and my family were in? Now its me, and my parents who are dead. I feel myself loosing grip on reality. I have to feel and smell things to make sure they are real. My chest gets tight just writing about this. Am I soon on my way back to the loony bin?

Its horrifying loosing touch with reality and knowing its happening. Staring at a wall for hours on end. Thoughts circling around, images of men beating their wives.Suddenly an image of love, and all the kindness I've been shown in my life. Then all at once after a staring for a while all those images and thoughts become one  and its like I'm watching a TV show inside my head.  


Anonymous said...

what happened to melody lee?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Everything will be fine. Try and calm down. The way I see it, if we're the dead ones, there isn't anything to be done about it, so you might as well just get on with things. I'm depressed, so I have an extremely low stress level.

Love you.

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna

You sound pretty down. When I crashed the other week I saw images of people stabbing each other. Clearly. Probably it's healthier to know you're losing it than not to know it. That way there is part of the rational you left who can take care of the irrational you. That's the only way I made it through paranoia when I had it. I knew people didn't usually spit at me or swear in the street so I ignored it, which wasn't easy but I did.
I used to see twisted faces in the floor, in the walls, in clothes, in anything. Like the faces you might have seen on treetrunks in children's books. I googled this after the fact (years later) and it said "depression, psychotic features".

If this gets worse you really need to see your doctor as quick as you can. It's typical all the shit happens at Xmas. Fucking Xmas. Me too. I'm not severely down but I'm sleeping hours and hours and hours. In a way this is good. It's better than being awake.

Take care darling


Gledwood said...

I will forget this if I don't put it now:

ever had a mixed state? That might be what you have now, if you have up and down all mixed together.

Another kind of mixed state is being manic with depressed mood.

You need to tell your dr. If it doesn't do anything else it will give him something to scribble down for ages. But it may get you different, hopefully better meds, or a bigger dose.

Does the methadone clinic have no communication with the psychiatrist? I only see a shrink actually at the clinic. Some people do it separately, but I found that too confusing. You know how it is, the Left hand doesn't know what the Right hand is doing. It's better if they both know what's happening.

Though not always convenient if one dr's giving Adderall and the other might not approve... and even if you wanted to come off, if you crash that bad, you need a taper or proper care (hospital, if it's that bad).

I know. That's a difficult one, if you want the Addrall. O I don't know, these are just some thoughts you might want to consider, nothing else


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

No, you're not going crazy. Horror films just have that effect, especially (I think on women)
I'm so glad you're writing again, I miss your words & thoughts and above all YOU.
Wishing you only the best, Anna,

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, just thinking about you, today. I hope you have a Merry Christmas. I will be offline, and out of town, so I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas before I left. I hope Santa Claus is good to you...(you do still believe in Santa, right...) Anyway, I will be thinking of you.
Much Love...T

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I hope you have a Merry Christmas and the best new year ever.

I love you! You are dear to me.


Danny said...

god Anna, i get exactly the same feelings about being dead.

sometimes i think i died years ago and i'm in some sort of limbo populated by holographic projections whose intention is to make me believe i'm in the real world, alive.

i guess you just gotta ride it out.

anyway - all the best for x-mas and i hope things are on the up for 2011.

a said...

Anna Baby!

You got free television in your head? What ya complaining about! You know in that Shadowy Island Brucey and I fled from back in the Dark Ages they actually charge a TV Licence Fee to everyone who wants to watch the box?

Here in the can the TV is shit. We don't even get cable! Now THAT is beyond the pale, sweetheart, doncha think.

Don't worry about being dead. I feel dead every single morning when I wake up clucking for my meagre 800mg methadone dose. You should see my face. A famous Aussie film maker once offered me a bunch of cash to play a corpse in a horror film. He said "you'd be easy, we wouldn't need no make up on you"...

Chin up Baby. It's a whole new year in about a week's time. Think on 2011!

All the Best from Syndey Women's Correctional Institute, New South Wales, Australia.




Valierie said...

I'm not A I'm VALERIE.


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Yep, me again Anna,
I hope you're giving the horror movies a little rest.

What I really came by to say is I wish you a very merry Christmas and a wonderful new year.

Valerie said...

Oh Anna Babes

What is this? You on strike or something? You never post nowdays... what's up? You thinking about being dead still? Honey you're 26 years old, you got ya life aheaad of you. Stop thinking like it's over. You can go to college. I think you'd do real good. You got an obvious talent as a writer. True, you don't write all fancy, but who wants to read fancy crap? i never do. Look at the bestsellers list. It's all normal stuff. No boring literary wank. If you can write for normal people, you'll have the world at your feet, baby. Who reads Dickens or Shakespeare on the beach? I can tell ya who they will read? they'll read Anna Grace, so pull that finger outta your arse and get writing. I wanna see what you come up with next.

Now stop being miserable darling. I'm the one in prison. You can go down the mall and slap someone for smiling. That'll cheer ya up. If you get sued, say Valerie, China White Queen of Australia told ya to do it. They'll have ME to answer to. I'm also queen of the drive-by. But Shhhhh! don't tell anyone!

Well baby, i gotta go. Ho Ling's tapping this in me blackberry as per usual. I can't do it, what with my respectable housewife's perm, reading glasses and french manicure. The perm's fading bigtime in this hellhole. I look more like a blond mop with sour grey roots. But don't tell that Gledwood. He'd laugh his pervy little head off, if he knew.

Onwards and upwards Baby! Cmon, post some more. Post about your last coke binge. Post about crack. You know I love my crack. Post crack, just for your beloved Valerie.

PS Can you spare me 10,000 Adderall? I promise I'll pay you back in neat Dilaudid...

All the best darling. Write soon