I think the reason my moods are shifting so much is because of my Ritalin prescription. Someone with Bi Polar is not suppose to be taking amphetamines. As I've said about my Dr. before, he has a good writing hand. He is writing me out Ritalin so I can loose weight. He uses the excuse that I was on it as a child from the age of 7 till the age of 19, that I need it for ADD. The days that I was so blue, and I wondered about the house dreaming of sitting in a running car in a closed garage, are the days I decided not to take my Ritalin. I went three days without it because of that day I triple dosed myself and thought I was going to have a heart attack. Little did I know I would be throwing myself into the abyss. Then the day I blogged about my depression I had taken my Ritalin again, yesterday I didn't take it and was again sullen and listless.
Now I'm confused. Am I addicted to the Ritalin or is the Ritalin just causing me to cycle emotionally rapidly? I'm afraid to call the Dr. because I want the pills to help me loose weight, and it seems so long as I take the damned pills I'm not depressed. I'm opposite, I'm swell. I'm in a mania. Oh
God what has this Dr. done to me. Fuck, the Ritalin didn't do this me when I was on Methadone. Methadone is so sedating that it counteracted the effects of the Ritalin. The Suboxone is not as sedating, in fact its not at all sedating. Which I hate about it. But I guess that's the life of a non opiate addict. I like to live my life a little sedated. The Ramons song "I wanna be sedated" should be my anthem. Being on Ritalin is the opposite of Sedated, I'm hyper. Naturally I have lots of anxiety. For instance, I get 90 Clonazepam a month, its the 15th of the month(I think) and I only have 20 left. The Ritalin has upped my anxiety level from an 8 to a 10. My jaw is always clamped shut so tight it hurts. My tongue is pressed so hard against my teeth that I'm aware of it all day.
Ritalin and Suboxone and Clonazepam are not the only pills I take. I take a hand full of pills every morning and every night. Mood stabilizers, anti depressants, anti phsycotics, thyroid pill, seizure med for weight loss too(its suppose to decrease appetite) Pre natal vitamin for my skin, birth control for my skin, fiber, stool softener, (opiates make you constipated)
I had to hand my Clonazepam over to my mom so I wouldn't take them all before the month was up. So I would at least have one at bed time. I need one for night time so I can sleep. The Ritalin keeps me up all hours of the night.
Btw, this blog is dedicated to Gledwood. Who requested I write about my medications.
I'm so hyped up on my Ritalin today don't be surprised if write two posts today.
Also I put up Stats button, but for some reason you need my passwords, which are Annagrace and kurtdc.1 you have to use the capitol A. I thought it would give the stats from when I started the blog, but it only gives the stats from when I put up the button. In total from the stats that we get on blogger I've had somewhere around 20,000 vistors to my blog. This doesn't seem like a lot to me. I feel like I'm failing. I've only had 3,000 profile veiws. I'm sure Gledwood has had 100,000 vistors to his blog. I've had my blog since 2008. Two years and only 20,000 hits. Thats pretty lame. At least people read it. Thank you to those of you who do read it. Means a great deal to me. Each and every one of you 20,000 people.