Monday, December 13, 2010

Nucler Catotonic bizzard makes sense

 My brain is not letting any of the chemicals that make a person happy out of my glands. I'm depressed. I know that I'm cycling. I was just in a manic episode for about a week, three days ago, and then suddenly wham I can't even force out a smile. My heart feels heavy, and someone could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't flinch. I would feel relief, I would feel like finally I don't have to fake it anymore.

I don't belong here, boredom haunts my every move. Even when I'm doing something I enjoy. I think about calling my friend Meghan and my hands feel to heavy to pick up the phone. NO words form in my head that I would want to speak to her. Having sex with Jess which normally would bring me pleasure does nothing but annoy me. Thank god he doesn't email me very often. This Okcupid website which I find somewhat amusing sifting thru the endless profiles of men looking for the perfect women(not me) makes me want to vomit. I have nothing in common with these people. I swear I'm not human.

I've been engulfed by this black cloud. Now I'm wearing all black. To get myself out of this mood I left the house on an unscheduled outing and went shopping. All this did was make me want to strangle all these seemingly happy people. Why do you get to be jolly, and smile, and have endless good times, while I sit here and wish for death to over take me?

My moods are so sensitive. The wind blows, and I'm manic, the snow falls and I'm depressed. We had a blizzard Saturday night and Sunday morning, which is when I was at my most depressed. I couldn't even listen to music. It literally hurt me to listen to music. It hurt me to think of happiness. I got an email from another unhappy person, and I got some satisfaction out of it. I felt I wasn't alone on the planet. Someone else was also sad. Then I realized how lonely I was. Yet I couldn't stand to look for someone to be with me. I just wanted Heroin to replace those chemicals in my brain, and to replace that lonelyness. I didn't use. I would have just felt worse later. So I took my night pills, and laid down and slept. I slept till it hurt. I slept till I was sick and had to take my Suboxone.

Today I felt my spirits lift a bit. Like okay maybe I can pick up that phone and form some words. The music doesn't hurt me. I can force a smile. Its so much better tonight that I even opened the laptop and blogged about my depression. When I was depressed I couldn't even open the laptop. Looking at my blog made me sick. I was so listless. I felt I was going to slip into catonia.


BMelonsLemonade said...

From a writing standpoint...this is a great post, Anna. The feeling, the picture in my mind you created...I like it.

Although, I am sorry you are depressed. I have never really experienced depression that was not substance related, so these words seem like I don't know what I am talking about...but, I know when I am in a jam, of some sort, I always try to "write my way out of it." I heard that saying somewhere, I cannot remember where. But, writing my way out of it made a lot of sense to me. Maybe, now that you have been able to open the laptop...maybe you could write yourself out of the depression. Pour your words into it, and turn it upside down and inside out. could just go back to the mall and punch all the happy people in the face. Hope your dark cloud lifts soon...until then, write a dark story about some mythical female underlord who kills all smiles, or something like that....

Danny said...

misery loves company, Anna!

its funny: the 'normals' go shopping to make themselves feel better. when i go shopping when i'm feeling bad (a lot like you evidently) i just feel like going fucking postal - especially now round christmas, when everything is just that extra bit grating.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

Yeah writing can help you focus if you are manic or depressed.

I'm glad you're feeling better than you were. I felt like living shit yesterday. Today I went and was all social. It didn't hurt, so I can't be too badly depressed.

We drank alcohol. I only had 3 drinks but no food. And they are big strong drinks that dilute up to nearly 2 pints of pub beer strength.

So I ate, went home. Slept for 5 hours. Woke up 1am. Staring at tv.

That's me. I also found out about western union. Forgot to bring full address, but I remember the full name. I need a name, city and state, that's it for Western Union. I'm going to find out if it's possible to send money any other way, e.g. by a travelers check type thing. I said I would try and I will if I can. Then you have your first few dollars for a college fund.

You just made me think of a question. I don't mind whether you want to answer in email or here, but I'll ask here. I don't think it is too personal. It's about bipolar: do you ever feel up and down in the course of the same day?

When I went off on one pretty badly about a week ago, I felt up and down almost at the same time. Even when I came down for a few hours (maybe 2 hours, 4 hours, not that long) I was rocking. I would have banged my head on the bars, I felt like I was in prison. Then later on I'm flying right up again. I don't know that it's bipolar with me, it has some similarities, I can see that. I also know bipolar does not necessarily come in neat episodes and can swirl all together. They are watching mine to see whether it's drug or just me. The first depression I had was literally 18 years before heroin addiction (I only actually got addicted at 28). I see it as a mixture and I'm just trying to be well.

Sorry to go on. I hope you're OK, even if not brilliant. Thanks for your message. It came through on moderation. I haven't checked any other comment. I'm hiding!!


Gledwood said...

O yeah b4 I 4get as I surely will, here is a good book

An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison

she is a world expert on bipolar disorder, and has it. It's not too long and describes the utter worst of losing your mind.

There's another famous one called Electro Boy that I have only heard of. I'm not 100% sure Electro Boy is 100% true, if it's a novel/autobiography or what. But it sounds a bit OTT. Flying across the Atlantic while manic etc etc. Probably the 1st one is a better one to start with, it's the only memoir of mental illness I have read and it's considered a classic.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna...I dedicated a piece of tonights post to you...check it out.

@Gledwood...An Unquiet Mind is an excellent book. I am not bipolar, but a lot of my loved ones are. I know a lot about it, and I am often one of the first ones to see their cycles (often before they even see it.) The ups and downs can vary from person to person and instance to instance, too. My big sis is one of the worst cases I have ever seen, and she can have many ups and downs in a 24 hour period, but also her up can last for weeks and her downs for months even. Drugs and alcohol drastically altered her cycles, I think the substance could bring it on. But, that is just my opinon. Another great book about bipolar, is "Detour" Lizzie Sion. Also, Elizabeth Wurtzel's "Prozac Nation" is great, but you might even like "More, Now, and Again", which is her book about addiction. (she is bipolar, too.) Also, "The Quiet Room" by Lori Schiller and Amamnda Bennett is a great read. It is about schizophrenia, but it really sheds light into the mind of the author. She shares a lot of similarities with some of the bipolar people in my life.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad you are feeling a bit better. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed years ago. It is a lousy thing for sure.

My love to you,


Gledwood said...

BMelons: I've read Prozac Nation. Wurzel seems a bit... spoilt? Taking ecstasy in her state. Not that I EVER did anything like that and made a complete mess of myself, har har har. She also wrote a memoir about being a ritalin addict. I remember her on TV. I must have been fairly new to addiction, but I knew a lack of recovery when I saw it. I would quite like to read Prozac Nation again to review the book (and my opinion).

Thanks for that other title, I'm writing it down. I need a little black book. Not just for addresses, for everything I want to remember. Always used to have one. Only records I kept when addicted, apart from a blog were lists of dealers' numbers copied over and over in case my phone died.

Gledwood said...

Anna just write how you feel today. You've posted all sorts before and so have I. Just put how you feel.

That's my suggestion. I can't think of many other bright ideas.

I'm not too good today either.

Anna Grace said...

I've read an unquieted mind and prozac nation. The other books I'll have to look for.

To scattered right now to leave a comment to each one of you. Thank you for the comments.

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna here's some request ideas for a post. Apart from Depression (obviously).
Bipolar ones: do they help? If so, how and how much?
Suboxone/methadone. Which is best?
Have they been any good and how.
It's all a bit pharmaceutical I know. But these are 2 things I am interested in hearing about. If you write on the record, you might help someone else. It's always interesting to share ideas and experience.
If you don't cheer up I'm geting that Valerie round

Anna Grace said...

Thanks for the ideas for blogging,but I can't bring myself to write a single sentence besides this one.

Valerie said...

Anna Babes what's up?

Why ya so miserable? Who's in prison here, me or you??! Come on baby chin up. What is this nuclear catatonic blizzard ya going on about? Been on the crack again? A lovely great comedown's what makes ME feel that way, it has to be said. Have another pipe, babes! Always sorts me out...

I'm working on that neat Dilaudid. Once we get your Mr Kim outta custody and into those Burmese hills he should stir up a lovely batch. He can make dilaudid, can't he? Otherwise it'll just be Double UOGlobules China White heroin. A Grade, of course.

Well I'm miserable as sin, too. Stuck here in Sydney women's misery centre, hundreds of miles from home. Those bloody crooked customs men thought I had a 700kg shipment of Double UO GLobules china white coming in at 1800 hours that Sunday on a North Korean registered ship. Anyone'd think they'd been reading me email, the bastards!

Well it's pain and misery all the way in this methadone unit. All the girls are suffering. We try not to show it by biting our fists. Tooth marks all over the place!

Oh by the way, good news regarding that loan. I don't need £5 million any more. Just $5 million US would cover it. Now you could surely see your way to lending me THAT, couldn't ya? Otherwise it's gonna be Xmas behind bars for me. Xmas is in 2 weeks, 2 days. How fucking miserable is that. Usually Brucey and I do Xmas in the main house, garden spades full of heroin lying everywhere, crack crack crack and a few lovely drinks. Only a bottle or two of VSOP brandy each, nothing much. The kiddies stay in the outhouse with Ho Ling the nanny. They speak Chinese better than they do English these days. Aren't they clever!

Now Anna baby, Gledwood is right. Tell us about ya medication. We all like to know about what pills do what and to who!!

Write soon :-) Best wishes from Behind Bars


Valerie said...

Oh bloody hell baby. Just read ya last remark. Cheer up and that's an order! Otherwise I'm sending a good-lookin' hitman round, all lithe and dressed in black. He'll do ya a booty call like no other!!

If Marco can't "do it" for ya, I'm coming round meself to slap your face!! Now write about some lovely pills. Write about dilaudid. Write about anything. Write it in Word and post later. Email that idiot Gledwood if you have to. Or just post the bastard thing up. If I could I'd do the bloody typing for ya. Now come on Anna. One short lovely post now. Please (pretty please). See I'm being all nice now. Usually I never do nice for anyone.

O shit, gotta go. Fucking prison officers. Not supposed to be using a blackberry in their sight. We all know what never gets seen in prison doesn't go on. Yeah right

Gledwood said...

Sorry about that Val, ranting on as per usual.

Write about methadone and suboxone. That's gotta be an easy one.

Or write about how your addiction and addiction treatment have triggered, altered or softened those Bipolar cycles.

Or write about depression/mania and drugs. Write about anything to do with this stuff. This is my request.

Write the post this afternoon or tonight if you possibly can, write it offline if that's easier. Or just write online and post quickly. When I was out of it last week I typed in quickly and just clicked post without looking at anything. Then I just tidied it up later. I barely ever remove anything because it's embarrassing to me. Otherwise I'd be too self-conscious.

If you can do it, these are my best ideas for right now. Don't be too self conscious. You write beautifully clearly. Remember there are people out there who never comment who might have a lot of similar issues to you and you might help someone you've never met who couldn't tell you.

You have a gift, just by being able to explain your life. A lot of folks in your position couldn't do that. So never forget how Special you are


Gledwood said...

ANNA :-)

you know you can self-publish books via Cafe Press, Raymi the Minx published Marketable Depression that way

don't know if you've ever visited her blog

if i didn't comment this now i'd only forget. i thought it might come in handy for future reference. you could use them for the 2nd edition of your book, ya know...



the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey Anna,
I'm sorry you're feeling down and out.
I hope you feel bright and shiny-happy like you used to.
You write so beautifully, like poetry in your words & expression.
Hope to hear HAPPY VIBES again from you, like the ones that make me happy-silly.