My brain is not letting any of the chemicals that make a person happy out of my glands. I'm depressed. I know that I'm cycling. I was just in a manic episode for about a week, three days ago, and then suddenly wham I can't even force out a smile. My heart feels heavy, and someone could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't flinch. I would feel relief, I would feel like finally I don't have to fake it anymore.
I don't belong here, boredom haunts my every move. Even when I'm doing something I enjoy. I think about calling my friend Meghan and my hands feel to heavy to pick up the phone. NO words form in my head that I would want to speak to her. Having sex with Jess which normally would bring me pleasure does nothing but annoy me. Thank god he doesn't email me very often. This Okcupid website which I find somewhat amusing sifting thru the endless profiles of men looking for the perfect women(not me) makes me want to vomit. I have nothing in common with these people. I swear I'm not human.
I've been engulfed by this black cloud. Now I'm wearing all black. To get myself out of this mood I left the house on an unscheduled outing and went shopping. All this did was make me want to strangle all these seemingly happy people. Why do you get to be jolly, and smile, and have endless good times, while I sit here and wish for death to over take me?
My moods are so sensitive. The wind blows, and I'm manic, the snow falls and I'm depressed. We had a blizzard Saturday night and Sunday morning, which is when I was at my most depressed. I couldn't even listen to music. It literally hurt me to listen to music. It hurt me to think of happiness. I got an email from another unhappy person, and I got some satisfaction out of it. I felt I wasn't alone on the planet. Someone else was also sad. Then I realized how lonely I was. Yet I couldn't stand to look for someone to be with me. I just wanted Heroin to replace those chemicals in my brain, and to replace that lonelyness. I didn't use. I would have just felt worse later. So I took my night pills, and laid down and slept. I slept till it hurt. I slept till I was sick and had to take my Suboxone.
Today I felt my spirits lift a bit. Like okay maybe I can pick up that phone and form some words. The music doesn't hurt me. I can force a smile. Its so much better tonight that I even opened the laptop and blogged about my depression. When I was depressed I couldn't even open the laptop. Looking at my blog made me sick. I was so listless. I felt I was going to slip into catonia.