Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sore throat

Its warm out today, and all the snow is melting. Going outside for a smoke is like stepping out into a rain storm, all the snow melting on the porch above us. The ashtray is full of water and cigarettes. Tomorrow its suppose to be warm out again, but the next day, New Years Eve is suppose to freeze again and all those cigarettes will be frozen in that water.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, and body aches. Right now I feel sick to my stomach. The last time I showered was Christmas Eve. Today all I've done is lay on the couch and try to sleep. I took my Adderal so its nearly impossible to sleep while that toxin is running through my system. I also have a sore toe, I clipped my toenails yesterday and must have not gotten a toenail all the way out and now its ingrown. Soon it will be puss filled. I'm in a mess. My life is in total disarray. I just want to run away and make a home somewhere else. I want to be rail thin, and I want men to fall at my feet. I think those years have passed me by.

You know I often want Heroin to make me feel better, right now I don't even think Heroin would make me feel better. Its been so long since I've been high that I've forgotten what it feels like. Maybe its just the way I'm feeling right now. When I was on Methadone I never got sick. Since I've been off the Methadone a month and a half I've gotten sick now two times.

My parents went to go see a movie today, so its just me and Eleanor home right now. If I wasn't on this stupid Suboxone I would take some Percocets. It would just make me ill if I took them now. I'm in such a pissy mood. I can't keep my thoughts on one single thing. I think I'll take some Clonazepam and Tylenol PMs and just sleep this day away. What sucks about sleeping when I'm sick is I have nightmares.

I'm going to go gargle with salt water, and take a shower. I have to, hopefully it will make me feel better.

8 comments:

elizabeth said...

Anna there is NO REASON that your everyday life is so empty....DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Volunteer, go to a gym, walk a particular way each day. You can volunteer with animals, ESL, helping kids read, old people at a nursing home. As I said there is no reason you need to sleep, watch TV, and take pills ALL DAY EVERY DAY!! Sorry, but that is the truth.

Gledwood said...

You sound like you got flu. Hope it gets better soon. If you're on too much adderall as you say you'll not be able to snooze around in bed, enjoy wearing pajamas and watching cable and basically milking the flu for all it's worth (you gotta get something out of everything, that's my philosophy). Make lemons into lemonade. So take lots of the best cold remedy (drowsy formula) and enjoy being ill, as much as you can do. At least you can keep taking your temperature and seeing how far it goes up. There must be SOME fun in influenza, surely. Get some dilaudid off that evil dr who turned you down, you could spin him a line about osme amnesia-causing illness you forgot to tell him about. Or has he already been struck off?

Do you pick old ciggies out of the ashtray like I do? I was wondering why you remarked on it going soggy and frozen. I actually started BUYING cigs and tobacco when we had snow and still buy rolling tobacco now. Picking ciggies of the local bus-stops and betting shops doorway makes my hands too dirty even though I wash them.

You should never cut your toenails in any manner except straight across, so I was told by a nail therapist I was having an affair with.

Does methadone really give you a buzz? I get NOTHING off it. I used to abuse it about 12 years ago and it did get me high because I had no physical dependence back then...

Are your thoughts racing about still? You know it probably is that Adderall making it worse. If it's not raising your mood but it's making you hyper it's really not doing good.

O yeah more bad news: did you know a lot of cold remedies are meant to be contra-indicated for bipolar. Aparently it can send you off on one... ain't life wonderful.

Shit I gotta go. My major cleaning blitz is coming to a respite (soon).

Gledwood said...

Just to reply to Elizabeth's comment I put out a shout Does anyone know a cure for unhappiness? And I was told to go out and help others, so I'm thinking of getting a volunteer job in a hospice for the terminally ill.

Apparently they're all stoned out of their heads on morphine, fentanyl, dilaudid and medical heroin.

One will be banging out tunes at the piano on the corner, throwing their head back and laughing uproariously.

The rest of the room is full of old ladies dancing with crutches, young people full of tubes watching television stoned out of their heads... and so on. Great fun.

OK maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration but I think it's an honour to be with people in their last days, last hours maybe. The atmosphere is not as maudlin or morbid as you might expect. I've never been in a hospice, but I give my old stuff to the hospice shop before any other because I think people who are terminally ill and fed up with being blood-tested and tormented with chemo, radiotherapy and all the shit they put them through should be left alone by the drs, stoked out of their minds on opiates and left to die in PEACE and happiness. So it's a cause I truly believe in.

That's what I'm gonna do.

BMelonsLemonade said...

A common misconception about suboxone is that if you take opiates on it, you will get sick. That is not true. You will not, however, feel the opiates so it is just a waste. Suboxone is a combination of two drugs, one being an opiate (buprenorphine), and the other being an opiate blocker (naltrexone). The buprenorhine creates a "ceiling" effect, which barely keeps you well, while all the other opiates are not absorbed. The buprenorphine essentially fills all your opiate receptors with a low level opiate, and there is no room for more. Now, as for the naltrexone...most suboxone users do not realize this, but the naltrexone is not actually ever activated when it is taken sublingually (under your tounge). Sublingually, the buprenorhine takes over the naltrexone. So, it will not make you sick if you take other opiates. That naltrexone, however, IS released when you break the pill down in water (as if to shoot it.), and then the naltrexone's effects overtake the effects of the buprenorphine...and an addict will get sick and go into withdrawal. (Hope you don't mind the lesson here, Anna!) Anyway, I hope you have a nice night tonight...(I, too, am unshowered for a couple of days...3 or so...but only because I have been overwhelmingly busy with daycare closed this week, and juggling the baby with work...I think that not showering is good! Maybe a am a dirty gutterpunk, though. Happy New Year, Anna...have a toast for me when you ring it in!
Much Love...T

BMelonsLemonade said...

@Gledwood, Hospice is a wonderful thing, especially for the families of the dying. But, it is sad and heartbreaking. Hospice was involved after my grandfather got really sick. The were very nice and comforting, and they do encourage the use of morphine on the terminally ill in pain...as they should. If I am dying, and in pain, somebody better give me some good shit, too. Death must be scary enough, at least it can be painfree, and feeling good. They gave my grandfather several bottles of liquid morhine, and also liquid halaperidol. Also Valium and Clonopin pills. Let me tell you what, the minute that bottle of morphine came into my mom's house...I began to obssess about it. But,then one day the nurse reassured my mom that she could give my grandpa as much morphine as he wanted..."the whole bottle would not even be enough to kill a baby." Then, I quit thinking about the morphine because I knew the whole bottle would probably not get me high...and I could have nipped a dropper full without getting caught, but that would only be frustrating. So, I left it alone, much to my own amazement. After my grandpa died, the Hospice nurse was there right away to help us with all the details. One thing he had to do was dump out all my grandpas pills that Hospice had given him. And he needed a witness. I walked back to my grandpa's bathroom with the male Hospice nurse, and he began dumping out the meds. He poured two bottles of Morphine down the toilet, and I did not even flinch. I thought, "what a waste." Then, he poured out two bottles of halaperidol (another one of my favorites!), he popped out about 20 Valium, and 15 clonopin. He dumped phenegran out last. I watched it all flush down the toilet, and barely batted an eyelash. I was surprised, a little, that I did not make a mad lunge into the toilet to retrive all that shit...but that is just not where I am anymore. The nurse put some pills back into the box, and I asked him why he flushed some and not others. As he went into an explaination of what all the different Hospice drugs did, I smiled a crooked smile, as I thought, "Yeah, I know what all those drugs do, and that is because I have personally taken all of those at one time or another." Of course, I said nothing. They only throw out the drugs that are controlled substances...I do not know what they do with the rest. Anyway...I have a lot of respect for Hospice workers...but, I don't think I could do it. Too sad. Maybe I am just too sensitive, though.

Gledwood said...

Fucking hell B Melons it's a shame you couldn't have got to that morphine and switched contents. Someone gave me a bottle of Oromorph, I drank a few hundred milligrams and it held me WAY better than methadone. Fair dos not for as long, but WAY better. I felt like I'd used really nice heroin, just without the hit.

They give morphine pills to drug addicts here, but usually only private. Which is annoying as I now know morphine works way better than methadone.

I can't wait to get off the nasty gloop.

PS here we do have Suboxone but most clinics use Subutex. Having heard how nasty the Suboxone changeover is, I don't think I'd want to try it. I was fine on Subutex ~ after being very ill all afternoon and a lot of the night I slept and woke up feeling a bit hyper but 95% OK. Next day I was 98%, next day 99%. Then 100%.

I know Suboxone is supposed to be the same as Subutex in effect, but "anecdotal reports" don't confirm this! One friend I have says it's stronger and owrks better. But he doesn't really like taking it. When he switches over his phone is off, he can't face anything or anyone. He switches back and forth between heroin and that all the time, at least he used to before Heroin here went into drought...

... I suppose I really need to see a hospice before I actually go there. Surely there won't be drugs just lying around..? THAT would do my head in. People on drugs probably wouldn't

BMelonsLemonade said...

Gled, Subutex is actually different than Suboxone. The difference is that Subutex is strictly the buprenorhine, which is the opiate part. It does not contain the opiate blocker, naltrexone, which is also in Suboxone...so yes, Subutex would hold you better. In a lot of the state supported clinics in Louisiana, they give the patients the generic form of Subutex, which is just called buprenorphine. The key to either Suboxone or Subutex, is that you have to be ill from withdrawal by the time you take it. Otherwise, it does not work. A lot of addicts can not make it through those crucial hours of Sick to take it, and then when you do finally start to take it, you get well...sort of, so your mind is already playing those damn games with you. If you can get through the first days of that treatment though, I think it is much better. It maintains a person much better, in the sense that they are not really affected by it...and can live more of a normal life. It frees you from the grind of going to the clinic everyday, which is much like the grind of getting dope every day, but a little easier. From a clean standpoint, both were forms of slavery in my life. I was still a slave to the substance when I was on methadone, and I was also a slave to the clinic's hours and rules (much like I was a slave to my dealers hours and rules before.) I feel like I was finally able to free myself, when I was able to eleminate the daily dosing...it breaks the cycle for good, and then it allows you to make your own rules...not following the rules and regulations of an opiate is truly freeing. But, it takes time and HARD WORK...And most importantly, it has a lot of ups and downs. Don't expect to get it perfect right away...it just doesn't work that way. We sort of have to figure out our own boundaries all over again, and we have to learn how to navigate this clean and sober world , which seems like a fucking jungle to us. It still fucking baffles me, but my veiwpoint has grown more clear over the last few years, and ...I guess by really knowing all the bad shit about myself,, my weaknesses, and my faults...I am better able to make the right desicions. Enough trial and error has taught me what not to do...and now, it is matter of navigating that.

Gledwood said...

BMelons: I was on Subutex for about a month. The first 2 weeks after the changeover were fine.

The only problem I had was feeling TOO crystal clear. Sleeping 4-6 hours a night then no chance of catnapping during the day. On bus rides I was wide awake suddenly. No lulling in time with the bus and waking up just before I was due to get off (hardly ever overstopped).

But I got the urge to use, so did. Surprisingly the gear worked. I had left it as long as possible between doses. And I had cut my dose down myself, thinking I was doing "really well".

Before I knew it I was back on heroin. I tried to get back on Subutex and managed to but the days on it were miserable. No withdrawal, I learned if you wait 2 hrs then take a tiny bit of heroin on top it fills any gaps left by Subutex, as it's likely to leave in the first couple of days.

Re practicality there was no advantage as here the attitude is more liberal re drugs. They used to just give you methadone to take home from day 1. Now you have to do about 6 weeks of supervised consumption in a local pharmacy (they get paid about £2 per supervision so with 10 clients that's £20 more in the till). When I did get prescribed methadone privately for a brief time it was supposed to be taken back all at once. Except I was homeless. So the nice pharmacist agreed to hold on to it and dole it out daily in measured doses. I actually preferred doing things that way. I've never lived more than 20 mins walk from the pharmacy. I know things are v different in America. E.g. here people think a 4 hour drive is a very long way. Americans would laugh at this of course. But you have to bear in mind no part of the UK is more than 100 miles from the sea (most parts are way closer). Scotland is maybe 6 or 7 hours by train... it's all much smaller. Sorry slight digression.

I got annoyed by the way dealers decide to take a day off without giving advance notice. And like to pick obscure places to meet. And... the rest of it. In the end THEY used to ring ME saying "where are you, how long you gonna be?!"

I'm so glad to be away from that shit. Now I don't buy kitchen scrubbers and let them wear out, use them on the walls, let them wear out more, then use them on the floor. Now I just buy more. They're only 50p for 10.

I have to give up drinking now...(!) Some people say alcohol and heroin don't go. To me they went together even better than heroin and coke. Alcohol never made me behave like an idiot, or made me violent. And unlike coke it never made me paranoid. When I binged on it, crack made me psychotic. I was also prone to really bad comedowns from it. Sometimes it made me high for hours, others it crashed straight down. Yucky stuff.

The straight world has always been a mistery to me. Heroin made me feel held together. My behaviour was never too together but I never analysed it very much. Now I see and feel all the fractures and the bits that don't add up. I never expected to feel brilliant without drugs, or happier. Still I don't miss drugs because they only heaped misery on misery. At least I have a glaring WAY OUT showing, at last... I hope you have a happy new year :-)