Its warm out today, and all the snow is melting. Going outside for a smoke is like stepping out into a rain storm, all the snow melting on the porch above us. The ashtray is full of water and cigarettes. Tomorrow its suppose to be warm out again, but the next day, New Years Eve is suppose to freeze again and all those cigarettes will be frozen in that water.
I woke up this morning with a sore throat, and body aches. Right now I feel sick to my stomach. The last time I showered was Christmas Eve. Today all I've done is lay on the couch and try to sleep. I took my Adderal so its nearly impossible to sleep while that toxin is running through my system. I also have a sore toe, I clipped my toenails yesterday and must have not gotten a toenail all the way out and now its ingrown. Soon it will be puss filled. I'm in a mess. My life is in total disarray. I just want to run away and make a home somewhere else. I want to be rail thin, and I want men to fall at my feet. I think those years have passed me by.
You know I often want Heroin to make me feel better, right now I don't even think Heroin would make me feel better. Its been so long since I've been high that I've forgotten what it feels like. Maybe its just the way I'm feeling right now. When I was on Methadone I never got sick. Since I've been off the Methadone a month and a half I've gotten sick now two times.
My parents went to go see a movie today, so its just me and Eleanor home right now. If I wasn't on this stupid Suboxone I would take some Percocets. It would just make me ill if I took them now. I'm in such a pissy mood. I can't keep my thoughts on one single thing. I think I'll take some Clonazepam and Tylenol PMs and just sleep this day away. What sucks about sleeping when I'm sick is I have nightmares.
I'm going to go gargle with salt water, and take a shower. I have to, hopefully it will make me feel better.