Sunday, December 26, 2010

A syring full of heroin is all I wanted from Santa

Christmas is over and I can officially say I had a good Christmas. Christmas eve on the other hand was not so fun. Both days I've had a horrible tooth ache and headache. I switched cigarette brands because of these headaches. I now smoke Marb lights.

 Lately I've been taking Clonazepam again more than prescribed. I use it to sleep. Not like with my Methadone when I mixed the two I got a nod, and a slight feeling of being high on Heroin. The Suboxone doesn't put me on the nod at all, but Clonazepam lowers the effects of the Adderal. Adderal keeps me up at night. The Clonazepam puts me to sleep along with Tylenol PM. I look forward to 7pm because that's when I take all my night pills, along with 2mg of Clonazepam, I feel a slight glow. Falling asleep is my new high. I'm up and wide awake all day with the Adderal and it gets tedious. Sleep, how I used to loath those little slices of death. Sleep,  how I now love the wonderful peace it gives me.

Notice how the above is hard to understand. Its like that in my mind. I can no longer get things out in a clear manor.

Now to my Christmas. Christmas eve I spent at my Cousin Brenda's house in Oconto Falls. My cousin Jason had flew in from Alaska, and my Uncle Buster, my aunt Debbie, my cousin Amanda(Brenda's twin sister) me, my parents, and Amanda and Brenda's kids were all there. It was festive, but my dad disappeared to the bar across the street. I got a bad headache, and toothache. Plus I couldn't be in my Pajamas, which is all I now wear. So I just yearned to be home. After eating, and looking at Jason's pictures on the Wii we went to the bar picked up my dad and drove home, where I took my night pills, and fell into a lovely sleep.

Upon waking Christmas morning at 6am I had to put my Suboxone under my tongue and wait for them to dissolve. I hate that part of my morning. The only thing that takes away the taste in my mouth is coffee with a couple shots of Baily's drink. My parents were up, and I had put their gift from me under the tree after they went to bed on Christmas Eve. The only gift I thought I was getting was a necklace I picked out myself. The one with the key pendant with diamond chips in it. Around 7 we decided it was time to open gifts. My dad opened his gifts first. He got two pairs of jeans, and a sweatshirt from Ralf Lauren. My mom got a Jewelry amour, a diamond ring, and a diamond wedding band. I got my parents 119.00 dollar sheets, and and down blanket for their bed. I got two Kurt Cobain Tshirts, and a winter coat, along with the necklace.

After opening gifts we drove over to my cousin Amanda's for breakfast. We saw what the kids got from Santa, and we had a fun visit. We played a card game with the kids, and me, mom, and Amanda. The kids are Kennedy and Carly. Two of the cutest kids god ever created. Going to Amanda's was the best part of Chirstmas. After getting back to our apartment we watched family videos from 1987 when I was four. My aunt Debbi stopped by for a visit, but she didn't stay long because me and mom were going to go over to my Grandma Grace's house for Christmas lunch at 2pm. So me and mom drove all the way to Oconto Falls again and we sat and ate with my Grandam, her sister, my mom's sister, and her oldest kid Erika and her two babies. Along with husbands. My dad stayed home.

I wished Santa would gave me hypodermic needle filled with Heroin, I would take a week off the Suboxone to feel it. Santa isn't drug friendly, he's usually a alcoholic. Damn you Santa.  


Gledwood said...

That remark is bang on. Father Xmas, as we call him here, is an alcoholic! He's always knocking back that sherry and leaving entire drinks cabinets full of liqueurs and spirits at people's houses. Anyone who drinks beer at Xmas is piss-boring in my opinion. Xmas is for drinks in every colour of the rainbow. Yellow Advocaat, blue Curacao, green Creme de Menthe, beige Baileys, brown Tia Maria... and so on. I had a entire litre of Baileys to myself. It had a "hint of Creme Caramel" I must say it was such a tiny hint I never noticed any difference! Now I've just an empty bottle and $25 down the drain. (£16!!) Do they do fake Baileys in America? usually I buy that. Irish Mist, Carolans, O'Grady's etc cost as little as £4/$6 for 700mls. They're 14.5% alcohol against Baileys 17%. See an old sozzler like me needs to know this stuff.

A dripping syringe full of China White, that's what you need. What about a syringe full of Dilaudid? I never got the difference between Dilaudid and Heroin... are they pretty much the same? Do people just crush up the pills in a spoon, throw water on top and knock it down? Or is there some mysterious technique of getting the Dilaudid out of the pill? I've never done pill injecting, except Ecstasy, which I tried once. Half a good pill. Suddenly I felt like it was 4am at a rave. I went out begging my money that evening in a really good mood. But because it was injected it wore off very quickly, within about an hour most had gone, within 2 hours I was clear...
Do you think you'd survive without your pills? I ask that because I've been pillpopping benzos and they make life so much more tolerable. But I've decided to pull the plug on them by New Year at latest. If I can't handle life straight I'm going to the mental hospital because I've had enough. I feel OK with drink in my system and some distraction, but without that I feel very hollow and empty. I decided to face up to my problems head on. I've had enough really. I went out this morning wanting the Sunday Papers and do you know the lazy bastards in the shops refused to open them. I checked online and the papers did coe out today. Our local shops are just piss lazy though. I'm not bothering with the Sunday Times now, the day is over.
Well I'm off to buy some fake Baileys if the local shop have it in stock. Otherwise I might blow another $25 on the real stuff!
I hope your boxing day is going good. Thanks for the message. I'm desperate to sort my life out now, I don't want years more of wasted time and lost life. I couldn't do that. I hope your 2011 is way better than 2010 was too. Take care

Valerie said...

Anna Baby it's Val with a stinking hangover here at the women's correctional institute in Sydney Aus. Ho Ling brought in a litre of best single malt Scotch in her private parts and us girls were glugging it down. Of course I drank two thirds of it, I'm queen bee in here.

Now I'm suffering for it. I'm glad your Xmas seemed to provide some entertainment for you.

By the way honey you left the final e of syringe. Your spelling's getting as bad as mine! It only looks right because Ho Ling uses some spellchecker on it.

Gotta run honey. I feel another puke coming on...

All the best



the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

This is so cute what you wrote, so cute & funny.
Santa better go to AA & dry out a little.
Your Christmas sounds fantastic!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit I can't read your blog anymore without getting pissed off.

So glad I'm clean and sober. A year and 6 months. No relapses and I can think of drugs without getting that sick feeling.

Grow the fuck up. and stop making those "I need to shit" faces. Good god.

Anna Grace said...

I think I lost A reader. Another one bites the dust. Sorry Anon, I will stop making those faces. You should see the pic on my drivers license.

Anna Grace said...

Dilauded is just crushed, put in the spoon, cooked and banged up.

Bailys is 24 dollars for a big bottle.

Did you ask me that? Yes we have generic bailys. Its a lot less expensive, but I prefer the real lot.

I don't drink except in the morning with my first two coffee drinks.

naomi lcave said...


Don't read it then, an internet cliche I'm about to repeat but so what.... NOBODY IS FORCING YOU TO COME HERE AND READ IT!

Claps to you for being clean and sober, how superior you are to the rest of us. I'd rather be an addict still using than a bitter, bitchy stuck-up-my-own-ass insensitive cunt.

Good for you for having no relapses. But stop acting so holier-than-thou.... under two years ain't forever hun, believe me, if you slip up the last thing you'd need is people telling you to GROW UP. Wow, I'd love to see photos of you, great isn't it how people slag off other peoples photos, why don't you let us take a look at yours so we can comment, hey? im interested to see if you do.

BUT YOU BE A COWARD! Jesus, its the internet, you can post whatever without being Anon. I post my real name why? because i dont use the internet to hide behind and use it to be bitchy to people. UNLIKE SAD FUCKS LIKE YOU.

you need to grow up dear, seriously. you obviously dont know a thing about being drug addicted because you know its got nothing to do with growing up. twat.

Gledwood said...

I had a tooth out earlier this year. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as a filling. At least the stupid thing has permanently gone. What I feared most was the bastard dentist insisting on doing complicated stuff like root canal when basically the tooth was fucked. Soon as it was out, my dental problems faded. Half my mouth felt electrified.

Bastard teeth.

Valerie said...

Hear hear Naomi!

Very well put. Us girls in the can are applauding you.


Gledwood said...

Anonymous: I think Anna explained why she looks pissed off in those pictures, she suffers from depression as in severe melancholia bipolar disorder which you wouldn't be so judgmental about if you only understood what it entailed. She had this condition before she ever was an opiate addict.

Somebody like you should go to a mental hospital, clap hands and say UP, UP! OUT! EVERYONE OUT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OF YOU! IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEADS. Yes depression is all in the head. So is schizophrenia. Unfortunately it's REAL. So go and get a life. Or if you have money, buy one.


Gledwood said...

Do you know sometimes I envy you. And sometimes I know you have envied me. Isn't it fucked up, always wanting to be somewhere else, someone else...

... you know you said it absolutely A1 right when you said in so many words: unless we can love ourselves and help ourselves we can't be of any real use anywhere else anyway....

... I wish you could feel OK and be OK Anna I really do. I wish I could too. If I could hug you and make you better I would but we would both cry.

If we ever got together now, we would probably be poison together, like Burton and Taylor who drank like fishes but they couldn't be together. In the end they both realized that. I wish it could be different.

I wish everything could be so different.

Gledwood said...

And yeah I would buy you a motherfucking diamond. A blue one. If I only had money.

Anna Grace said...

I feel the same way Gledwood. You made me smile like I haven't smiled in months, years maybe.

I think we would make a great pair. Poisons, but happy for not being lonely anymore. Plus we enjoy the same things. We want New York, I wish there weren't an ocean apart.

I'm not makeing sense. I had a bit to drink today. Are you on facebook?

Gledwood said...

No I'm not on facebook, i never got facebook.

But you're making perfect sense.

I'm glad you smiled. Truth hurts sometimes, y'know, better to laugh than cry. Ukh I hate reality I really do

Anna Grace said...

I hate reality also, its so disappointing. If life were fare you'd be my best friend and live near me.

Gledwood said...

at least we have the internet. otherwise we would probably have never met ever, at least we have that

you understand if i ever seem standoffish i just don't want to make a silly sounding promise i could never keep. we know eachother online and i would love to go to newyork but circumstances are a bastard

Anna Grace said...

I can promise to visit London, and you. I do have 4,000 dollars. We can have a drink.

Gledwood said...

don't come till i'm ready i'd hate a disaster. i'm a total mess. seriously. what you said about not going in the shower etc that's me

what i'd rather is if i put money together too and we met in paris or new york or berlin or rome, y'know.... that would be brilliant

i got nothing to spend money on now so it will hopefully start mounting up

Gledwood said...

It's 10am now. I drank so much last night I felt ill this morning. I got up at 7:30 feeling like shit.

But I meant everything I said. We have to meet up somewhere. As I say if not London then New York, if not New York then Paris or somewhere like that. I only suggested Paris bc it is neutral ground for us both, I've been there before and it's incredibly beautiful.

London is beautiful too, a certain part between the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben up Whitehall past Downing Street where the Prime Minister lives to Trafalgar Square and the National Gallery.

Behind Downing Street is St James's Park, which is the most beautiful park in London.

Away from Parliament Square in the other direction you walk along the Mall or Birdcage Walk (one of the two, I forget which)... but this is a wide road through parkland to Buckingham Palace. You would have seen this on television in clips of Charles and Diana riding in a golden coach, that type of thing.

The other beautiful part of London is Bloomsbury, around the British Museum. Considering it's central London there's hardly any traffic and it's very quiet. The atmosphere here is very similar to the Left Bank in Paris, the bohemian side where the bookshops are. In this area you have SOAS the School of Oriental and African Studies where you can do a BA degree in Chinese, Japanese or Thai (you can even do Burmese there, Valerie would like that).

Up the road further we go really downmarket. Kings Cross Station used to be (and still is, but less so) a major drugs and prostitution market place. Supposedly at one time you had boys on one side of the road, girls on the other. Heroin and crack was everywhere in between. Lemons sold very heavily in the local convenience stores. Some even sold 1ml syringes or single strips of tinfoil so however you took your poison you were sorted for 50p (+£10 minimum for the drugs!)

Drugs drugs drugs, back to drugs. I hope you're having a good sleep. I hope this stupid thing doesn't make a bleep and wake you up.


Gledwood said...

Come back Anna! Come back!!

Are you starting to feel any kind of high? I am a bit. Clearning my house with the energy. I had no energy earlier on now I'm buzzing. I hope it lasts the night through, sometimes it starts then just stops. You know what it's like. I've only had about a litre of cyder in the morning and a litre in the evening, I need it now to keep the jitters off. Come back Anna please. Post something. Even if you're down down down say something please. I've been really down. Felt absolutely vile earlier on. Seriously bad. I'm glad my mood can switch like this otherwise it'd be appalling. Akh I'm babbling I know I gotta go because my floor. I promised to scrub it.

O man there's little tubby birds on telly chirping their heads off. Prince Charles is showing us round his garden. His garden is amazing. 15 acres of informal but sculpted grounds. Just like I'd do it. Except I'd have ultra formal water gardens and rose gardens through to informal to total all over the place going into deep woodland. I love the woods. I wish I had a forest of my own to play in.

I gotta run Anna it's past 1am

Post something please!!! :-)


Gledwood said...

I just worked out your clock is set to LA time. Pacific, innit called?

You can reset it by going into blogger and resetting timezone. If it doesn't give "Central" you'd pick Universal Standard Time minus six hours.

Gledwood said...

London is bang on Universal Standard Time by the way. We are Centre of the Universe!!!

Gledwood said...

Green Bay! La Crosse! Madison! Milwaukee!!

Gledwood said...

I've been googling Wisonsin instead of scrubbing the FUCKING FLOOR. Akh akh akh.


Gledwood said...

So when you were in Hawaii you "observed Hawaii-Aleutian time". See there's a goldmine of information out there. We once read a book at school set in the Aleutian islands. I believe it was called A River Ran Out of Eden by James Vance Marshall

it was quite good. 2 people on a remote island living an idyllic life. I think they had kids, that links says so but they barely feature in the book. One day a bastard gets washed up on the beach. He fucks the man's wife anf fucks everything up. It contains new paragraphs worded stuff like:

Again the lowered eyes.

I remember that much. Our English teacher loved it!

Gledwood said...

Oh come on Anna you're not posting anything. Hurry up!!!!!!!!!!

Anna Grace said...

I'm posting right now. Just for U.

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gledwood said...

O thanks baby!!

Gledwood said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Valerie said...

Thank God you're posting. That Gledwood is more annoying than 300 sex starved female cons and that's saying something. Every time that idiot sends something me phone goes nuts. How ja get it to stop doing that? I only want to know what you say, Babelicious, not that wanker. Now I've got to run. Ho Ling's on strike. She found out about my LSD-in-her-vagina plans and is deeply pissed off. So I'm tapping this out meself. French manicures are not practical and me perm keeps getting in the way.

Can't wait to read ya post, baby!


Valerie said...


O Anna Baby post something and shut that Gledwood up. He's going off his rocker out there in London and I'm trying to have a nice afternoon nap here in the women's correctional institute in Sydney Australia.

Fucking China White. Why are they accusing a nice repsectible permed middle class housewife with a French manicure of such vile poison-mongering. They believe a 8=700kg shipment was bound for Sydney Harbour at 1800 hrs on a N Korean registered vessel, according to some email I supposedly sent to you!

Now I know as a doyenne of the international narcotics trade you won't be fazed by this. So many thanks for sending your Mr Kim over by the way. He's happily ensconced in those Burmese hills stirring up a lovely huge batch of Double UOGlobules A Grade China White heroin as we speak. Humming a lovely little tune in Chinese he is. Made it through those pesky minefields with both legs intact. His half-inch thick reading glasses proved no hardship.

Ho Ling says she'll do filing for me once our business picks up again. Bruce has arranged another 500kgs to arrive next Wednesday, we hope. Since then only 77kgs have come in. Those Aussie students will do anything for a few thousand dollars. We sent 35 of them with a couple of keys or so each stuffed, shoved and swallowed up down and sideways every orifice they could manage! I'm trying to get Ho Ling to courier LSD for me. You can fit several million doses in a kilo and considering her private parts hold a litre of finest scotch with ease, imagine how much acid they could transport into the highly lucrative Australian marketplace?! Only problem with acid is it tends to leak and you only need a 4000th of a gram to be tripping off ya tits. So I hope she likes a bit of free psychedelia on her plane rides!

That yummy pot of neat Dilaudid is winging its way to you as we speak. Now the only nut left to crack is getting poor little ME out of this shithole and back on the China White and crack cocaine with me little kiddies in our middle-class bird-chirping garden at home where I belong! I don't even care about Brucie riding that lawnmower bare ass naked, as long as the bastard gets me out of here!

If you COULD lend me a mere $5 million US in order to top up funds I'd be ever so grateful but I won't go on about it. I know you got your paypal donation button there just to raise money for me.

Now I gotta run that fucking Ho Ling's moaning about broken fingernails from all that typing and I'm not up for performing sexual services in return. Gotta run baby write soon!!!


Anna Grace said...

I really appreciate when others stand up for me. I know there are people out there that find me crass, annoying, and crazy. Let them, I have people who like me and that means a lot more than those rude comments.