Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm not here this isn't happening

I'm so useless. I have no real friends. I only enjoy getting high. Self destruction is the only words that describe me. Wait, dissapointment, family torturer work as well. Maybe I listen to too many sad songs. I'm so desperate to look pretty, and I feel if I'm not pretty I don't matter.  I feel fat all the time. I'm so fat its hard to find veins on me. I have brusies from holes poked in small veins that can't take in any liqued. I miss on a quarter of my shots.

I'm all wrong. I want to through myself off a bridge. I spelled that wrong. See how stupid I am. When you guys bash me, I take it in stride, because I know anything you say about me, is what I'm alreay thinking. I just want someone to pay attention. I'm an attention whore. I hate this about myself. Look at how many photos of myself I have on my blog. How pathetic is that. I'm going to take them down. I feel as though I'm going down in flames. I'm just waiting for my funeral.

I'm desponant, apathetic, wastefull, sad, miserable.I lay on a couch all day and watch TV. I only go out to go to my dealers house. I droped my cell phone in kool aid, luckily it still works. The only thing I have to look forward to is your comments. Thank god for Gledwood and his comments. Thank god for all of you who leave comments. I feel like I'm invisiable. To my dealer I'm a ATM. To my friend I''m just a way to make her rent go down. To my parents I'm a dissapointment, and I hurt them too much its impossiable for me to make it up.

Today instead of using I took my left over suboxone. As I may have said I'm broke until the 1st. I could pawn this laptop, but I would just get 100 bucks and that wouldn't even take care of me for two days. I learned my lesson about pawing stuff my last time around using. You never go back to get it, its just put into your arm. Just another fix.

I'm not here this isn't happening.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I love Bright eyes.

I didn't use Heroin today. I'm not feeling well, and all I can think about is a needle. I'm trying to stop using. I signed up for rehab, they have an opening date in a duel diagnosis center in Madison on Feb. 20th. Kurt Cobain's birthday. I don't want to end up like Kurt, and I don't want to skip out of rehab, go missing for four days, and end up blowing my head off. If I go into rehab I'll be there when my book comes out. Its a 90 day program.

About the Gledwood post, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. I don't know if I love him, I know that I  like him. I think that we would get on great. He's got the heart of a fox. That's a good thing. When I think of who he is in my mind, I am so happy. I swear that we have met thousands of times.

I'm drinking Vodka right now, to help reduce the sickness. I don't have the money to buy dope, and my parents won't borrow me any money. I took about 5 percocets but it hasn't touched me. I don't feel the least bit high. I wanna feel nothing.

My blog is sucky. I hate myself and want to die. I thought about drowning myself in a freezing river. I don't have the guts to do it though. It makes me hate myself even more. I'm terrified of ice.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

My love for Gledwood. Crazy I know

Professing my love to Gledwood.

Gledwood, I want to sink to the bottom with you. Please come to New York. Everyone else is going somewhere, and I just wanna sink to the bottom with you. The ocean is big and its blue.

I know your having a hard time getting your head on straight, and it seems like we will never meet.

I'm up to no good. If I had you with me, I would clean up again, and fall deeply in love. Perhaps some will say people with the same problems won't be a good match, but I believe in us. Is that too forward? I don't care who reads this, and who thinks I'm nuts. I am nuts. I get money for being nuts. I professing my undying love to someone I only know thru words. I never even seen a picture. Please Gledwood send me a photo. You can mail it to me via snail mail. I'll send you one of those throw away cameras. I just wanna see this person I've fallen in love with.

Did you really like the song I picked for you? I'm so hyper right now. I can't stop moving. I needed to come to my parents house and type it out. My impulse control is way down. I need another shot of Heroin. I can't do it here, I don't have any with me.

You know I'd love a guy with an accent. I want to come to London to see you. Why don't you think that's a good idea? Gledwood is that your real name. Are you hiding behind a blog?

Is it such a bad thing that I want to see you? You see all those photos of me. Are you fat, and balding? I don't care. I don't care how dirty and disheveled you are. I just want to sink to the bottom with you. The ocean is big and its blue, and one of us has to cross it to see one and other.

Its not about sex, its about being with someone who understands me. Someone funny, like Valarie. Someone intelligent like you.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Living off of fumes.

There is no lack of Heroin here in the Midwest. The Heroin is a grayish white, its called Venom. At least that's what my dealer says the name is. I ask where they think it came from, Columbia, Mexico, Afghanistan, China, but if I ask these questions, its like I'm prying into the higher ups problems. If I ask a question about where my supply comes from, I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm a cop.

I moved out of my parents house, and in with a using friend. Now I have to pay more in rent, and that means less money for junk. I just couldn't watch my parents being disappointed by my uselessness anymore. They begged me to stay, but I couldn't. The best I could do, was vow never to be too high in front of them. So I come over when a shot is wearing off. Just before the sick starts come on.

I still have my phone, and pay for that monthly. So I am reading all your comments, and I could comment back, but that damn keypad is so small, and I can never seem to focus my eyes when I'm loaded up on junk. So here I am at home, telling my parents that I made an appointment with a doctor who prescribes Suboxone. Which I do, but I'm not sure if I'm going to show up. Things have gotten too expensive, with rent, phone, drugs. I'm starving to death. All I eat is ho hos, 50 cents a piece. I have about three a day. I come here to my parents house and my mom made steak, and I eat, but can't keep it down. So I run outside over the patio and vomit.

Life isn't as glamour as it was when I first started. I need more, I'm up to 70 dollars a day in a habit. There are days I can't cover what I need, and go to work at labor ready to make some extra bucks for a nice big shot at night.

I can't blame my past for why I'm using now. It was a conscious decision on my part to start using again. A stupid one, but at the time and still when I get high a fun one. I apologize only to my parents. I would stop only for my parents. It hurts me to hurt them. I need to use more when I think about what I'm doing to them.

If I were to stop, that old feeling of what to do next would come over me. What happens when you get sober? You just become an unhappy sober person.

Gledwood, I listen to you. I hear where your coming from, and appreciate your input. Maureen too. Gilligan is my friend Charlie from Hawaii. He's telling me how the prices are down in Hawaii, and it seems there is a drought in Hawaii too.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sort of an explination

I haven't been an active user on a daily basis since 2008. I remember how horrible this addiction gets. The pawned family treasures, the loss of trust, loss of hope, the struggle to get well every day. So far my using hasn't put too much of a strain on my life. I'm not using to get well, its still getting high. Not to say I'm not sick in the morning, I am its just I always have dope on hand. Before I never had money, now I do.

I've gone from using starting in 2003, to the Methadone clinic in 2006 where I still used up until 2008 when I was just wasting money using on top of the Methadone. From 2008 till 2010 I stayed the course on Methadone. I had relapse, but never got fully back on gear. In late 2010 I started Suboxone, which worked for a bit, but my tolerance went down. The whole time on Suboxone I thought about using again. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I went to Madison and visited some friends, and I ended up buying a 20 bag of H. I had to wean myself off the Suboxone, because the Naloxone in it would block the Heroin. I got myself off it, and I used the Heroin. From then on I called an old friend I knew was still using and I bought some Dilauded, and its just progressed from there.

I am by no means proud of myself. I still hate myself and want to die, but when I use I don't feel like that. Well when I'm high I don't feel like that I should say. Right now its like a happy reunion with a lover.  Really the dope keeps me on the up. My moods don't swing, I know how I'm going to feel day to day. I'm going to wake up and the first thing I think about is getting high. I drive to my dealers house four days out of the week and use there in the morning. I go there in my PJs. I buy enough to get me thru depending on how much money I have, I buy for up to three days. Usually its only two days. 60 dollars a day has been getting me thru. My parents borrow me some money, but my SSI payments take care of most my habit.

I know this interlude with dope is going to get tedious. I know where I'm going to end up. Not a pretty place. Probably back in Rehab, or back at the Methadone clinic. I know I could die, or end up back in jail, those two ends I don't want to see happen. Hopefully I can stop the habit before it gets that far, but I can't control anything when it comes to Heroin and all other opiates. I'm just trying to be smart about it. As smart as a once in recovery addict can be.

Does this make any sense?  I just want to be clear that I know what I'm doing is stupid. Its just the course my life is taking at the moment.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Think I'm just happy

I've been using again every day. I have to say in a way Heroin has picked me up by the bootstraps and given me the kick in the ass I need. I no longer spend all day on the couch, I get out find money, find dope, use dope, change my clothes. Heroin holds me together. I don't feel depressed, in fact I feel amazing. Of course my tolerance has shot up much faster than I would like. I'm using China white and spending about 60 dollars a day. One shot in the morning, one shot in the afternoon, and one shot at night. I never was a four shot a day person. Three always got me thru. I make the one at night a big one.

I don't even hide it from my parents. They feel that as long as I'm in there house I'm safe. It sucks that I'm a total disappointment to them, but Heroin makes that bad feeling go away. My parents found out by looking at my arms. The bruises, and holes. I got this one really good vein. I don't want it to go away on me, so I am taking good care with it. I shower every morning, and use an alcohol wipe before I inject.

I've never blogged while using full fledged. I think my parents called that show intervention here in America. I stay out of their way pretty much. I usually get my morning shot at my dealers house. Its like leaving for the Methadone clinic every morning. I get Dilauded too, not just H. The Dilauded is more expensive, but I like it because it cooks up easy, and you know exactly what your getting and how much your getting.

I haven't been keeping up with other peoples blogs like I used to, but today I'm reading my top five and seeing what I missed. I haven't checked my emails even in a day. I normally check my emails everyday. Of course the Heroin is going to take my attention away from some of my everyday normalcy. I figure when my parents get totally fed up with me using, or when I run out of money because my tolerance is too high, I'll switch to the Methadone again.

Right now though I'm on a cloud. Hopefully I won't have to come down for a while.

I got to go, because I keep nodding out on this keyboard.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

For Gledwood.

This song goes out to Gledwood. I know you've been having a rough time, and so have I. I did use that Heroin yesterday. I was high when I typed out my last post. I love you Gledwood.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Sombody's cold one is giving me chills. Guess I'll just close my eyes.

I've forgotten how to write. I can't just write a bunch of my crappy life on the Internet anymore. What the fuck happened. I know some of you are happy about this loss of my writing ability, but me, I'm not. It is/was a great outlet for my feelings. It seems without the Methadone I'm not in touch with my feelings. That doesn't make sense. I should have been without feelings while on the Methadone. The only reason today I can write is because I used Heroin. God is it the best feeling in the world. Its as if every problem I have is lifted off my shoulders, and I can breath again. Perhaps my breathing is shallower, but it feels easier to breath, write, talk, sleep, smoke, eat, love, everything.

I could explain to the joys of cooking up the shot, finding a vein in one try, but I'm not going to do that. I've described that enough on here. I'm not going to glorify my use anymore than I already have. Which by the way I did it enough it in this post already.

Listening to music is such a fucking joy,high. Wait I'm going to glorify my use. This time this trip I'll sign son of bitch. While high it seemed like every one left me a wink and a smile. It feels my parents cheered, and my dad was proud. Celebrities will die like me.

Today made me realize I'm going back to the habit. Mondays don't apply to me when I'm high. Fuck you fuck you fuck you I can't trust you. I thought the world owed me a smile. Now I know they do. I'm just going to dig my head into the ground. Wreck the lives of othersthat I love. Fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate your face.

I know as soon as I build up a tolerance and all my money goes towards junk I'll be crying for the methadone clinic. I hate my face, I hate this place, and I'm strung out again.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

My life is the same everyday, but maybe someday that will change.

I woke up at 5 thirty am this morning to go pee. My mom was standing in her doorway, and said something to me, which I didn't hear. I walked straight back to my room, crawled into bed and fell back asleep. Around 8am I woke up officially, brushed my teeth, came out into the living room, took my pills. I took my Suboxone, even though I have Heroin in house. I have no idea how to get off the Suboxone without getting sick and then to use the Heroin so I can feel it. I have been smelling the Heroin on and off all day so far. Its China White, and its calling my name. I can just imagine myself cooking up a nice juicy shot of H, and putting that spike in my vein. OH god, its better than an orgasm.

Jess contacted me again. He's seeing a four foot seven Mexican women with three rugrats. He wants me to come over for one more sex fest on Wednesday. I told him I was interested, but really I could care less. My feelings for Jess have flown out the Window. My feelings for Heroin have flown back in the window.

I thought I was doing so well on the Suboxone. I didn't really have any urge to use until recently. After watching an intervention and seeing someone slip a spike into their vein, and then nod out. I miss that heavenly feeling. No problems, worries, no nothing. Emotionless.

How many fucking times am I going to post about Heroin? Aren't you all sick of me talking about Heroin like he's my lover? I should just move to New York use all my money to buy Heroin, become homeless, pawn my computer , stop blogging and live out the junkie dream, until I die, or god forbid worse...jail.

Why can't I think of anything to blog about any more. I haven't read a book since Word Virus, and that was a month ago. When I read I write. Plus I have work to do on I hate myself and want to die. They sent me back my manuscript so I could make some changes. There are a lot of changes I want to make, and I have until the end of this month to finish it. I haven't even started aside from taking BMelonsLemonade advice and incorporating it into the book. I will have to thank her in the book. I dedicated the book to my parents and Kurt Cobain.  I know I'm a loser.

I love you all for reading my blog. Happy New year. 2011!!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

I like coffee and milk with my sugar.

I'm back from Madison, the capitol of our state. My mom gave her stem cells to my Uncle, and he seems to be doing fine. I got to spend a lot of time with my grandma, which was awesome. On the other hand when my mom and grandma left to give the transplant I was left alone to my own devices. So I ventured out into the city and found myself some Heroin through a friend. I need to know how long it will take the Suboxone out of my system so I can feel the Heroin. I also have a pile of Percocets I stole from my pops and I would like to use them.

I'll be so pissed if this bunck H. I only bought a 20 dollar piece, I thought that would get me high now that my tolerance is so low.

I know this is stupid. I know I need to get a life. I was just in a town I used to go to get H, and I wanted to visit an old friend, and this old friend sort of put Heroin on a platter for me. I could throw out the H, but I really don't want to.

Gledwood, how did you like my dictated email to you.? I'm not so good at talking into the phone and making it easy to understand. I'm not good at writing and making it easy to understand. I'm just dumb. From now on I will just email you from my laptop. Unless I know exactly what I want to say. Love you Gleds.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I'm blogging on my phone. I just downloaded a new app on my phone where I can dictate an email or text. First person I emailed was Gledwood. It didn't turn out as good as I liked it to have. Turns out I'm a better writer than speaker.

I'm in Madison WI, in a hotel room while my mom, grandma, and uncle Mike are in the hospital. My mom is donating her bonemarrow to my uncle mike. I'm here in this hotel room alone and I'm bored out of my mind. I can't write too much on my phone, the keys are really small on this blackberry.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

This is the song that is my life.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I hate your face. Always...why can't you see. Stupid junky tied me down. Cut my lips and I won't I can't get better. I thought the world owed me a smile. Monday does not apply to you. Dig my hug into the ground. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I hate my face. I waste my life, why can't I see.