Friday, January 28, 2011

I love Bright eyes.

I didn't use Heroin today. I'm not feeling well, and all I can think about is a needle. I'm trying to stop using. I signed up for rehab, they have an opening date in a duel diagnosis center in Madison on Feb. 20th. Kurt Cobain's birthday. I don't want to end up like Kurt, and I don't want to skip out of rehab, go missing for four days, and end up blowing my head off. If I go into rehab I'll be there when my book comes out. Its a 90 day program.

About the Gledwood post, I wrote that in the heat of the moment. I don't know if I love him, I know that I  like him. I think that we would get on great. He's got the heart of a fox. That's a good thing. When I think of who he is in my mind, I am so happy. I swear that we have met thousands of times.

I'm drinking Vodka right now, to help reduce the sickness. I don't have the money to buy dope, and my parents won't borrow me any money. I took about 5 percocets but it hasn't touched me. I don't feel the least bit high. I wanna feel nothing.

My blog is sucky. I hate myself and want to die. I thought about drowning myself in a freezing river. I don't have the guts to do it though. It makes me hate myself even more. I'm terrified of ice.

15 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
me again, the old pest.
You have so much to offer and so much love.
Please stop the "I want to die" talk.
Everyone else wants you to live and keep writing books.
You really are a treasure Anna.
Chin up where it should be on your lovely face,
j.

Higgy Piggie said...

We stumbled upon your blog and we are captured by your words. You know how to cut to the core. It's a beautiful thing.

elizabeth said...

Not to say I told you so but, dual diagnosis is the best option for you. I know I mentioned it a few times months ago. To give the silk taffeta dress a bit of info about me.....I am not personally involved in drugs and never have been...BUT I have worked with people that are for over thirty years. You are obviously still on the fence about this whole thing, so please keep your appt and go to dual diagnosis Rx!
I care and want you better.

Gledwood said...

i love you as a friend Anna, i think you know that and it's probably the best kind of love for both of us at this point

i am v flattered you wrote that post, and i do love the tune

we don't really want to sink to the bottom, individually or together. Better go UP UP UP!!

not high on drrrugs, not "mania" (I hate that word)....... some magickal clean way I haven't yet found, apart from the way I did, which seems to have psychiatrists well interested in me!!

;-)

take it easy

Anonymous said...

Fuck that book you've written, the excerpt was awful. You don't strike me as much of a fiction writer anyway. No, you need to write another book, and this one could be a best-seller, Anna. You've already shown you can be brutally honest when writing about your life, and you said you keep a journal, so here's what you should do: Start writing in that journal everyday, all the facts of your day. Then when you get to the dual-diagnosis clinic, keep writing. Write as many details as you can, then actually stay clean and keep writing for 6-12 months. THEN take your journals, and use them to write a memoir. Don't just copy the journals and self-publish, use the journals as source material. It would be a great book, and one real publishers would be interested in!

Anonymous said...

And another thing, don't kill yourself. You really think your parents can take that? With a family history of suicide, and already losing a child, you know they can't. You need to take that option off the table, it doesn't exist for you. So like they said on Shawshank Redemption, "It's time to get busy living, or get busy dying."

Danielle said...

Anna, I've been reading your blog for a long time, and have been quiet for a long time. The truth is, none of us knows you, so we're not in a position to judge or condemn, but I have to say this:

Yes, you've had some really tragic moments in your life. So have I. And when we come out on the other side, we have to decide how we're going to let those moments affect our lives. They can either make us better, or bitter...not both. Just as we can't be pitiful and powerful at the same time.

You love heroin. Anyone who's read your blog for five seconds gets that. Heroin is a drug, a highly addictive, life-altering one. So, it's not surprising that you feel so much love for something that's destroying your life and ruining your family's lives. And it won't be until you look at the destruction and damage it's caused that you fall out of love.

I hope you go to the dual diagnosis clinic. You need to. But I'll believe it when I see it. Making promises you either have no intention of keeping, or somehow end up breaking is Facts of Junky Lives 101.

It's just pitiful. You have talent. And you're squandering it. You have people who love you, and you're spitting in their faces. You have worth as a person, but you're doing everything you can to cheapen it.
Please get better, Anna.

lynn said...

hi anna.i came across gledwood at the height of the drought here and thru it found yours.ive been using for the best /worst part of 23 years so believe me i no where your at.no advice no answers anna just that i hope you suceed where i fail.you did it once love,thats good,hope you get to where you want to be...

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, first of all, I am going to agree with anonymous on the journal thing. I think told you to keep writing when you started getting high again. And I am pretty sure I told you about the tattered journals I kept with me back in those days. And I am so thankful a few of those journals actually survived. (I think of all the writing I lost, and it makes me sick, too!) But, I reference those journals now. Keep a journal, always. Whether it is an electronic journal in its many forms, or just a tattered, old blood stained spiral notebook...KEEP A JOURNAL.

As for dual diagnosis, I am a supporter of the idea. I have many friends who did rehab in a dual diagnosis facility, and it is a good thing. It gets you treatment in several areas...and it can help stabilize you. Also, they will work with your medications in dual diagnosis. Many people in dual diagnosis do need to take meds...just not opiates, or coke, or alcohol. My ex husband actually went to a dual diagnosis treatment center twice, both times state supported programs, as well. It helped him alot. The first time he went, he was completely crazed with dope sickness, and he ran off threatening to climb the Mississippi River Bridge and throw himself off. The cops got involved, and he ended up being escorted to the dual diagnosis floor by the police. He just broke down when they caught him, and as the police car drove off, tears streamed down his face. It was the beginning of the end. In treatment, he learned that he was bipolar, and he was given meds for the first time. It helped. 90 days is a good amount of time to be there, as well. Document it. Write every word of it down, if you can. Just writing whatever comes to mind, whatever goes though your mind. Observe the people around you...write about them. Write about conversations and interactions. Write about your feelings. It could be a great story. Maybe the prologue could be the drug use...and the body could be about the experience in dual diagnosis. Trust me, it is going to be interesting, just try to soak it all up, and learn from it, and grow from it...and write about it all. Anyway...I am rambling. The body of the book could be about those 90 days. And the epilogue would be about the conclusion...and that will depend on what happens after you put the book together. I just wish I had been able to that when I was in treatment. I had PTSD so bad after the Hurricane that I could barely sit down, and I never slept. At first, I was admitted to drug treatment because I was coming of methadone, but then they quickly transferred my to the psych ward. It was two separate places. Would have been better if they were together. But, anyway...at the time, I had anxiety so bad that I could not even hold a pen steady. I could not read, or even consider writing with all the shakiness. The frantic pacing, and awful insomnia. But, looking back on it...I really wish I had taken notes. I wish I had written it all down.

Document it. And take it seriously. Really use the time to learn about yourself. Soak up all the resources they can offer you. I am not saying get all NA and shit, but take it seriously. Use the professional counselors to learn more about Anna, and what makes her tick...

Anonymous said...

Are you serious? If you are you need therapy or a program right away.
If you feel suicidal you need help right away.
Do you have a guardian?Do they know how your feeling?

Tanya said...

There must be someone you can confide in who can help you.
Talk to your parents about this.

Gledwood said...

You trying to say you were at a vanilla clinic when you could have gone dual all along? O Anna baby! Come on!!

I fucked up dual by saying "I'm not bartering how much methadone I get with fucking lies" (too frank for my own good I am, sometimes)...

... then I rang the nuthouse in the middle of a manic-depression-hallucination episode and the guy who answered sounded WELL SURPRISED I wasn't in dual.

Now I have 2 Workers, 1 normal, 1 Dual. The Dual lady is a Point of Contact, the other one does my script, so it's best of both worlds. It took fucking AGES to arrange this, I had to go floridly mad first in front of everyone, then they saw I wasn't just being neurotic saying I had "mood swings"!

I'm on risperidone, but nothing else, thankfully. Except sleepers which are PRN.

I hope you're OK today. Take care Anna, I do care about you. I think we're better off staying as we are. We're thousands of miles apart, have a shit load of problems each... as I said. This isn't me trying to give you the elbow. It's just me being realistic. And I don't want to wind you up (do you say that Stateside? It means to string someone along in a jokey way. Sorry if this is blindingly obvious, I never fucking know what expression is used where!!)

Well I'd better piss off now. Probably another British expression. And getting pissed here means DRUNK. Pissed off is upset. To piss off is just rude it means "to fuck off"!

Hope you enjoyed the British Lesson

Take it easy

;-)

Pamela said...

Do the best you can. You can't do better then that.

Sweden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sweden said...

5 percs is only 25 mg of oxycontin, so it makes sense its not doing anything, i am currently on 160 mg of oxycontin and im not even that high at all, you (like me) are seasoned opiate users and have a higher tolerance to opiates