Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm not here this isn't happening

I'm so useless. I have no real friends. I only enjoy getting high. Self destruction is the only words that describe me. Wait, dissapointment, family torturer work as well. Maybe I listen to too many sad songs. I'm so desperate to look pretty, and I feel if I'm not pretty I don't matter.  I feel fat all the time. I'm so fat its hard to find veins on me. I have brusies from holes poked in small veins that can't take in any liqued. I miss on a quarter of my shots.

I'm all wrong. I want to through myself off a bridge. I spelled that wrong. See how stupid I am. When you guys bash me, I take it in stride, because I know anything you say about me, is what I'm alreay thinking. I just want someone to pay attention. I'm an attention whore. I hate this about myself. Look at how many photos of myself I have on my blog. How pathetic is that. I'm going to take them down. I feel as though I'm going down in flames. I'm just waiting for my funeral.

I'm desponant, apathetic, wastefull, sad, miserable.I lay on a couch all day and watch TV. I only go out to go to my dealers house. I droped my cell phone in kool aid, luckily it still works. The only thing I have to look forward to is your comments. Thank god for Gledwood and his comments. Thank god for all of you who leave comments. I feel like I'm invisiable. To my dealer I'm a ATM. To my friend I''m just a way to make her rent go down. To my parents I'm a dissapointment, and I hurt them too much its impossiable for me to make it up.

Today instead of using I took my left over suboxone. As I may have said I'm broke until the 1st. I could pawn this laptop, but I would just get 100 bucks and that wouldn't even take care of me for two days. I learned my lesson about pawing stuff my last time around using. You never go back to get it, its just put into your arm. Just another fix.

I'm not here this isn't happening.

35 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Damn Anna,
You really are down in the dumps.
I really feel sad reading these unhappy words.
You know the guys you've written about...they haven't shown you a fair amount of respect,imo.
You're so young to think and feel so negatively.
Please look to deeper,wider horizons to finding happiness.
It's not easy being happy,don't I know it! It is WORTH it tough and you are VERY WORTH it.
If I lived closer to you, I'd just knock on your door and try talking you out of melancholy thoughts, but that probably wouldn't help.
As far as friends, it's better to have 1 single true friend than a whole bunch of superficial ones.
Please feel better, Anna, and be determined to feel better.
you're in my thoughts, always,
j.

Pamela said...

It is happening and you have to deal with it.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Do not pawn your laptop. You will regret it. Someone broke into my house and stole my son's laptop tonight, and I am heartbroken. It was just my old one that didn't work very good, but he loved it. I am going to burst into tears when he asks me about it...I just know it. I am thankful my new computer was at my mom's, or I would be shit out of luck. Hang in there, Anna. Please.

Gledwood said...

you're on $50 a day? how much weight do you get for that? half a G? and does it come in 5 separate 0.1g bags? or do you get 6 for 50? please tell the prices etc, i'm still an addict i love that shit!

see, darlin you have to explain this shit to me, I'm British

as for your depressive thoughts you didn't sound happy before, not for a long time I really don't think the meds you're on are keeping you as OK as they could do, you need to speak to that dual clinic about what can be done

will the dual clinic wanna know about the dexedrine? can't remember what you called it Adderall? I was going to say Ambien, but that's zolpidem
I'm on super-Ambien that's zopiclone (banned in the USA, it's so good!)

Are you on Ambien? What sleeper do you take? Come on dish up! You've said before.

Please take care, I hope you feel better soon.

I am your friend you know. Just not your boyf, how can we go out online? You're better off doing booty calls when you want to, then you're unfaithful to no-one, y'know...

ok I'm pinging off now, take it easy

:-)

Gledwood said...

DO NOT PAWN THE LAPTOP WHATEVER YOU DO IT'S YOUR LINK WITH THE WORLD

Valerie said...

Anna Babes

What on earth is eating you?! I only dropped by because I was bored off my tits on China White as per usual. Crack's off today, honey. There's a "drought" ~ called ME pushing prices up, by having those girls slavering, tongues hangin' for a few days! Suddenly it reappears at excellent quality, and a 30% price hike. I was underselling myself here anyhow. Honestly do they think I'm a charity of a moneygrabber. Moneygrabbing drug whore! What's me!!

Now baby what has that evil Gledwood done to you now? I TOLD you to stay clear of that one. Now look how depressed you are. Love with a weirdo never pays, let Auntie Val advise you. Fuck that Jess. Ignore Gledwood. Simple-dimple. Now do it.

As for your misery at pissing off your parents; you're a grown woman, darling. Not every choice you take will meet with their approval anyhow. You gonna live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for their frowns?

Chin up baby! It's a Prosperous New Year of the Rabbit... Rabbit Brand Heroin is turning Tasmania China White as we speak!

Hope you like the yummy pot of dilaudid I sent over. Did it get through? If it did I'd be surprised if you're conscious enough to type...

... take it easy Sugar Snaps

XoxoxoX

Anonymous said...

You are an obese, disgusting cow, and a total loser. You will never be a published author, nobody wants to read your junkie stories. You are probably the stupidest person who has ever claimed to want to be a writer. You have the worst grammar and spelling I have ever seen. You really should think a little harder about suicide.

lynn said...

anna,having a boot and checkin out few fav blogs.love yours and gleds too.guess im just nosy i like lookin on or into peoples lives but its hard to read of how you feel so low.my little girls just appeared behind me so gotta go. hang in there get back on the methadone babe and please god delete comments like the anonymous idiot .im furious that there are idiots like that out there .we beat ourselves up more than others.take care anna x

Melody said...

Hey Hunny,
I haven't forgotten about you, I'm just an asshole sometimes and don't pop by like I should. Please please please pick yourself up and out of this depression. It's not that bad,I promise you it's not, it just seems that way.
I see the vicious anons are in fine shape today, fuckwits all of them but yes, attention is it's own reward or it should be! If it's twisting up your head moderate that shit girl, don't let someone whose opinion counts for crap bring you low.
Tomorrow will be better, it's the 1st after all and nothing is as bad as it seems when you have a little security in your pocket, however fleeting it may be.You know what to do if it gets to be too much and I don't mean jumping off a fucking bridge! Subs...M-done, whatever you need do it. Dope isn't any fun if it makes you wanna die.
Take care and if you need me, you know where to find me.
Much love sweetie,
~M

Anonymous said...

I can't believe someone would leave a comment like the one above. I was going to insult him / her back but it is so not worth it. Take melody's advice and take what you need to feel better. Well done on making the appoinment at the dual diagnosis place. And don't pawn your laptop! I've been reading your blog for over a year from Edinburgh Scotland and I'd really miss you!

Take care and keep the chin up. Where there's a will there's a way. Or my absolute favourite "change your thoughts and you can change your world"!

L x

Gledwood said...

Yeah roll on tomorrow, I know the feeling well. Those drab fucking methadone days, when methadone did nothing for me.

Sorry for harping on about gear when you had none. I'm interested in the answer to the question. Answer when you're high. I'm fascinated by American drugs.

Hey it's on the news here that heroin has doubled in price per kg up to $60k US, just 2 and a half years ago it was $20k a kg! We used to buy lovely huge lumps for $60. I'm using $1.50 to the £.

That anonymuous was nasty I've had comments like that too. You can get rid of anonymouses by setting to Registered Users Only but as Melody said that's getting rid of half the fun...

I know you will feel better tomorrow. Heroin is shitty miserable stuff, I wish it didn't exist. Might sound stupid but imagine what life could be like with no drugs. I cannot imagine having got to the age I am without all my drugs, life was unbearable without. With no drugs I wonder what I would have done..?

Take care of yourself.

:-)

Anonymous said...

Pee Pee Face

Verity Vaudeville said...

I think it's more the feelings you hate rather than yourself, but it's an easier target to attribute it to something physical isn't it. Like weight or outward appearance. You can change those things, but the deeper stuff, well that really takes a lot of work. I should know.

It sounds like you are doing things until you are absolutely sick of them. I know how that goes. Maybe 'cause there's no certainty anyway, so if you drive yourself insane that's a guarantee of sorts. It's a type of control. Self fulfilling prophesy I suppose.

It sounds like you just need something else. To feel something else. What do you like or love about life? Try to throw yourself ino that if you can. Distractions can work wonders for a little while. After that, well the hope is that you will feel stronger. So you can go on with and enjoy life again.

I don't know. There is no bonafide answer or doing it for you. It has to come from the self, and I'm sure you will get there in your own sweet time.

Anonymous said...

Ok I am probably going to sound like a hater but I don't mean to. I read your blog frequently and think it is interesting.

I am trying to understand something. How come you don't think about anything besides heroin and pills? Why don't you do anything constructive that has absolutely nothing to do with heroin and pills and self-hatred?

Like, you wrote a book, and you're writing another one, and you read books, that's all very good. But your book is about being a drug addict, your new nook is about being an outcast. the books you read are about junkies and dead rock stars. You're not researching anything to write about, you're just wallowing in the misery of your terrible, horrible past. You're not learning anything new fornthese books and all they're about is heroin, cocaine, and how everyone hates you and how you hate yourself.

What if you, say, wrote about ANYTHING else in the entire world?

What happened to the college class you were taking? I hope you are still in it and attending. Do you still volunteer at the animal shelter?

I think it would benefit you to get some activities and hobbies that have nothing to do with the above topics. Help out at a soup kitchen or preschool. Get a part time job. Get a Rosetta Stone and learn some Spanish. Do a jigsaw puzzle. Watch some old movies. Start exercising again a little. Look up some recipes and cook a dish to bring to your parents.

What do you think?

elizabeth said...

All u say above has been mentioned to Anna many times, but she doesn't seem to be able to stick with anything even if she tries. Anna needs a GOOD DUAL DIAGNOSIS UNIT and then long term therapy. She needs tons of help psychiatrically and if she can get a handle on some of those issues she will be able to have a better chance of dealing with a life that is not obsessed with Herion.

Gledwood said...

Hi Anna

I read the bottom few comments and Verity Vaudeville makes a v good point "it's the feelings you hate rather than yourself". That's probably true, don't you think?

Also the one about heroin obsession. The only thing I don't get it how obsessed you seem and yet you weren't doing it? Were you just doing it occasionally? I don't get that. When I don't do heroin I don't obsess. I do kind of like thinking about it in a distant way but I don't want it near me.

Today someone wanted some I just had to do the direction pointing and keep away. My phone rang twice with dealers. I don't want to see them.

You can do this too. You and I both know you can.

I think you need that Dual place to sort out your meds like I say they cannot be working properly if you feel as shit as you do. Fair dos you might feel a good deal more shit without them, but there has to be something better they haven't tried you on.

I only came to say I hope you feel better today. I deliberately didn't say anything until I knew it was past 9am your end, I didn't want to wake you up.

Take care Anna. Sorry to sound like a nag. I wish you could feel better more long term, y'know...

:-)

Gledwood said...

Anna I'm sending you this link because it's about Hawaii and it's about drugs. It's my favourite story out of the Big Book. You find it by going to p128, in the section Our Members Share. The name of the story is Mid-Pacific Serenity

http://www.naalamedacounty.org/elements/literature/Basic%20Text,%20Narcotics%20Anonymous/Basic%20Text,%20Narcotics%20Anonymous%20-%20NAWS_%20Inc_.pdf


The link is also on my blog today.

Gledwood said...

OK I got the direct link:

http://www.naalamedacounty.org/elements/literature/Basic%20Text,%20Narcotics%20Anonymous/Basic%20Text,%20Narcotics%20Anonymous%20-%20NAWS_%20Inc_.pdf

if the stupid thing doesn't work, you can try the link on my blog, if that doesn't work, it's where I said

e-books do my head in. i spent $16 on the paper copy. WAY better

Anonymous said...

Elizabeth--

You get on my nerves. Have you ever met Anna? No? I didn't think so. Then you're hardly any more qualified than anyone else trying to help to say what she needs to do.

I love how you say in an earlier comment "not to say I told you so, but..." Can you please get over yourself? This isn't the appropriate forum to throw around your all-knowing wisdom. Make suggestions like everyone else, but you have no right to slap down other people for suggesting something you don't think is the answer.

elizabeth said...

Anonymous- I assure it is not in the LEAST about myself. It is from 30+ years of HELPING people in Anna's situation get better and have a better life. No, I have never actually met Anna, but I HAVE met many, many, other Anna's who have saved themselves from "themselves" and the baggage they carry, and go on to have much more fulfilling lives. So maybe you have to give a little more thought to your comments before you post them. Too bad I aggravated you, I know what I am talking about from years of experience as a professional. In the final analysis it is the choice of the person to make the decision about what they do or do not do for themself. BTW the reason I said "not to say I told you so", was purely because many others commenting seemed to agree with that suggestion. I truly care about Anna though I do not know her personally, and want her to have some happiness and a reason to want to live!

Gledwood said...

Surely the whole point of people commenting like this is to give our own (hopefully helpful) viewpoints. I don't understand how Elizabeth can have been "wrong" her point of view is from the Other Chair in that room at the clinic.

Anna I came to say this: because I just had an idea.

About this Dual thing.

Here there are at least 2 special groups you can get to that are meetings specially for Dual Diagnosis. They're not like NA; they're far easier to concentrate on for one thing. And you can talk about anything you like (not just Drugs and Recovery, which are NA's focus). E.g. one week the conversation was about hearing voices and where they come from (in the head, outside, which side how loud etc etc). You couldn't really go into that in such detail in NA.

If you can get to a dual diagnosis group you might find it is a place "you never knew you were looking for"... y'know.

Unlike NA there's no emphasis on not using. You're welcome to come into NA stoned, but the group is about being clean. At the other one you just bring yourself on or off drugs and nobody will bring up the issue of cleaning up so much as issues of coping. That's what we talk about there. Surviving.

If there is something you can go to, even if it's a way away at least it would be a day out, y'know...

Valerie said...

Anna Baby!

Here we are together, all suffering our poor little hearts out! I'm being punished severely for separating Ho Ling and Trish in one of their many quarrels. I separated them using a kitchen knife, now I'm down the block. Thankfully neither of my girls was injured. I just lost it for a moment, as you do. I have quite a record for violence, as you might have gathered. I do try and keep a cool head on it's just impossible when everybody areound you is a FUCKING BITCH.

Well I say I'm suffering. It's me and me blackberry plus a spooon, 3 sets of works, a pipe, a copy of the New Testament and Psalms thoughtfully provided by the Gideons and little else bar the obvious three chemicals I need for daily existence. Gear, crack and sleepers!

That bitch governor says I "overstepped the mark". What mark, precisely. Show me a mark and I'll step on it! That's me philosophy. Always was. Always will be.

So I'm on me own, just me poor arthritic hands and this torturous blackberry.

Write soon baby. Write us a reply. I never get any messages except Ho Ling's accounts re the drug sales, daintily written in code.

All my Best

Val

XOXOXOX

ps trust that Gledwood to be full of bullshitty advice. Sort yourself out darling Gledwood. Then tell Anna what to do. Honestly!

Marjorie said...

Finally, an answer to your problems, Anna... a jigsaw puzzle! Why haven't you tried that before? I'm sure it works wonders in the treatment of bi-polar disorder.
And you definitely should start volunteering at a preschool right away! Who better than a heroin addict on seven different psychotropic medications to take care of children? Just try to time your nodding with naptime, no one will be the wiser.
All of these idiot anons are forcing me to stop posting anonymously.
Here's an idea for you Anna: write down all the things you've tried to make you happy. Then figure out what's not on that list and try that instead. From what I can tell, you're miserable on methadone, sad on Suboxone, despondent on dope...
It looks to me that you've tried everything except for getting clean. And an addict in your situation won't be able to get clean without treatment, preferably somewhere that can address your additional psychiatric issues. So why not just call it a day and take your ass to the dual diagnosis clinic??? Call them everyday and tell them you need help and you're going to fucking blow your head off if they don't take you immediately (but let it be an idle threat, remember suicide is not an option for you).
Aren't you sick and tired of being sick and tired yet?

Gledwood said...

Just for you.

I put up a song for you, I hope you like it. It's a song from a Britflick I know.

http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/2011/02/my-friend-anna-in-wisconsin-is.html

Anonymous said...

Anony,
I fel the same way about that elizabeth person.
she writes like the single authority on this subject.Humor it.
There are billions of case workers and social workers but she thinks she is the top authority.
She can get on the nerves if you let her.I don't.
She seems like she needs attention even more than Anna Grace. She is troubled like the rest of us and needs to feel needed and we should just patronize her.

elizabeth said...

Anonymous persons-You are SO WRONG, but that is OK. I do not care about you, I only care about Anna getting better. Think what you like, and you made me smile!

Valerie said...

Blog something else Baby, I'm still down the block. Ho Ling's on one side, Trish is on the other. A bitch called Ruby is handling drug sales while all 3 of us are down here. Ho Ling and Trish keep yelling at each other all fucking night long. They fell out over 3 baggies China White, 2 crack and a handful of rohypnol. Silly cows. If they'd just asked I'd have given 'em the drugs. What am I saying, I never give out anything free. Apaart from to you, Babelicious.

You don't know any poor peruvian farmers in need of a new cash crop do you? I'm into spreading my poppy cultivation a bit wider...

... or AMERICAN farmers even. Why not!!

Gotta go baby. Ho Ling's tapping this out for me and Lynn the cow screw I got under my thumb will post this back through my door in a sec. See ya Honey, take it EZ ;-)

Gledwood said...

hi anna

thanks for the email the thing is winding the living shit out of me i have to come back when i can tolerate reading stuff in a screen the size of a postage stamp which is what it's giving me

fucking computers

i promise i'll get back to you soon

i'm ok hope you are

i lost sleep it puts me on an upper

you know moods wise. i'm only on 4mg risperidone i suspect that bastard will up it. shouldn't call my dr a bastard really he's ok i'm just pissed off with life.

hope all's fine with you come on darlin post something new!

Valerie said...

I'M FREE!!! FREE AS A CHIRPING BABY BLUEBIRD. DARLING I'M FREE!

OUT OF PRISON! OUT AT LONG FUCKING LAST!

ON WITH LIFE!!!! YEAH MAN HIGH FIVE DOLL, HIGH FIVE

FUCKINGHELL!!

Here in me own lounge room, kiddies safely ensconced outside with snoring Chinese nanny, cracked off me tits with Brucey Baby snoring too. I slipped a couple of rohypnol in our celebratory bright green punch. Bastard manufacturers made 'em bright green didn't they. So whatever he drank had to be greeny blue too...

Poor Ho Ling and Trisha are still in prison, best of friends again and making me a derisory income from drug sales to a few hundred banged up women. I think I'd make more profit on fresh pipes, works etc than I do on China white, crack and sleepers. OK slight exaggeration but I'm too soft for me own good, me.

My hair is buffed up ultra shiny and bouffonted out in celebration. I've had a manicure/pedicure alrerady. Lovely French jobbie.

Brucey was riding that lawnmower bare ass naked all afternoon, cracked off his head in celebration.

We have half a half unit brick 999 brand here as personal, that's about 175g. Should last the both of us best part of a month (I hope).

Your Mr Kim's doing an expert job of turning that ukky brown gear into A grade Double UO Globules ~ the world's best gear. The samples have been stunning. You know in Britain they actually take brown heroin by CHOICE. I always hated Brits. I'm British by birth so I know what I'm talking about. I'm only an Aussie by immigration status. Sworn the old oath of allegance so no fucker can kick me out of Aus.

I was into Taking Over New York City when I was younger but that's your turf, darling.

How are your international narcotics dealings going, Sugar Pea? You're always quiet on that front. If you want five million cheap Ecstasy btw (85mg MDMA per pill) I can do you a really good price. Less than a million euros the lot ~ just for you babes. Don't you call "E" "X" in those United States of yours? I find the alphabet confusing enough without swapping letters. Do I nxxd to start spxlling likx this now?

O Honey there's so much news to tell, only another highly confidential email will hold that much gossip. I must fuck off. I have a golf ball sized hit sitting in Bruce's garden trowel waiting for my attentions. Not to mention three eighths of crack each. Just to make it through till morning.

I hope your day's been as cheery as mine.

I'll gecha the jizz re the bribings/swindlings/duress applied in me next Hot Missive.

Take care baby, and keep checking that mail box. Sencha a lovely bit of neat Dilaudid. I know how ya love it!

LOTS OF LOVE

FROM A VERY HAPPY

VAL

XXXXXXX!

Anonymous said...

Anna, Anna, Anna...you are a mess. Why would anyone in the world choose to be a drug addict? It is a dirty, crappy life. People that are working hard to improve their lives, walking around happy with life look down on you.
Lots of people have crappy childhoods, lots of people have traumatic things happen to them, it is never a formula to mess up the rest of your life.
You can make a decision to be better or you can make the decision to continue your crappy life. It is all up to you.

~gg

Valerie said...

Anna Baby do you want those 5 million X for $1 million US. Please wire it over immediately. I need the money to divorce Bruce.

Hugz n Kisses

Valerie
XOXOXOX

ps they're pukka pills, we just imported one million into Australia. They're Love Dove brand. Going like hot cakes!

I'm saving a bag full for next new year's eve!

Anonymous said...

valerie is your downfall!

Anonymous said...

anon valerie is not her downfall gledwood is.
apparently is her "friend" yet mentions drugs constantly when he knows she is struggling to not think about it and keep clean. its made worse by the fact that he is an addict and knows how just the mention of heroin when you are trying to kick will make your brain go into overdrive...yet he goes in to full descriptive passages. over and over again. he's a crusty stain in the pants of society.
I feel for you anna, I know its hard. you can only do the best you can, take one hour at a time. just try not to give in and use for that hour.
much love hun xx

Gledwood said...

Anonymouses: can't you see irony when it's right in your face? Valerie tells how it is when you're heavily addicted to heroin and crack. Your entire existence revolves around these chemicals.

As for my drug talk:

Anna is struggling not to think about drugs is she? I have never seen any evidence of that.

She doesn't want to take drugs and spent months or years off street drugs. I never noticed her stop thinking about them in all that time.

Not taking drugs and not thinking of them are two very different things. If you can think of drugs and not crave you are in a position of power. Addiction is about USING USING USING to cope with life. Heroin addiction has little to do with getting "high" and a lot to do with basic coping.

The drug talk is the last semblance of addiction. I don't believe Anna wants to be an active drug addict. As she herself says (in so many words) it just makes her miserable.

Apart from asking prices, which is just sheer nosiness, what drug talk have I done? Zopiclone and zolpidem (Ambien) are just prescription sleep meds. I'm on the first; far as I know Anna's on the second. From our doctors.

If you're talking about that link I gave about Hawaii and drugs why don't you trouble to read it through. It's on electronic page 155, printed page 128 in the NA basic text. This pretty much sums up my attitude to drugs now, and the link is given above.

Anyway thanks for the compliment. As they say the only thing worse than being talked about it not being talked about :-)

Gledwood said...

ps anon if you want to know my attitude to drugs come over to my own blog and comment there.

You don't have to read every single one of my many words and if you want to comment generally just say what you want under my latest post.

I'm not easily offended so don't worry. It's just utter bullshit I don't have time for. Not a difference of opinion. Differences of opinion are the spice of life.

Also, if you want to read more about heroin addiction from different angles the links are under my "blog list English language only" section a little way down the side bar. Dad and Mom's blog is particularly interesting if you want the other side of addiction, that of the parent Being Strong for their offspring's sake. They have a lot of good links there as well. Their blog is called "An Addict In My Son's Bedroom"

I can't keep coming back here to answer you so if you have anything to say please answer at mine, you're more than welcome.