Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Living off of fumes.

There is no lack of Heroin here in the Midwest. The Heroin is a grayish white, its called Venom. At least that's what my dealer says the name is. I ask where they think it came from, Columbia, Mexico, Afghanistan, China, but if I ask these questions, its like I'm prying into the higher ups problems. If I ask a question about where my supply comes from, I feel like everyone is looking at me like I'm a cop.

I moved out of my parents house, and in with a using friend. Now I have to pay more in rent, and that means less money for junk. I just couldn't watch my parents being disappointed by my uselessness anymore. They begged me to stay, but I couldn't. The best I could do, was vow never to be too high in front of them. So I come over when a shot is wearing off. Just before the sick starts come on.

I still have my phone, and pay for that monthly. So I am reading all your comments, and I could comment back, but that damn keypad is so small, and I can never seem to focus my eyes when I'm loaded up on junk. So here I am at home, telling my parents that I made an appointment with a doctor who prescribes Suboxone. Which I do, but I'm not sure if I'm going to show up. Things have gotten too expensive, with rent, phone, drugs. I'm starving to death. All I eat is ho hos, 50 cents a piece. I have about three a day. I come here to my parents house and my mom made steak, and I eat, but can't keep it down. So I run outside over the patio and vomit.

Life isn't as glamour as it was when I first started. I need more, I'm up to 70 dollars a day in a habit. There are days I can't cover what I need, and go to work at labor ready to make some extra bucks for a nice big shot at night.

I can't blame my past for why I'm using now. It was a conscious decision on my part to start using again. A stupid one, but at the time and still when I get high a fun one. I apologize only to my parents. I would stop only for my parents. It hurts me to hurt them. I need to use more when I think about what I'm doing to them.

If I were to stop, that old feeling of what to do next would come over me. What happens when you get sober? You just become an unhappy sober person.

Gledwood, I listen to you. I hear where your coming from, and appreciate your input. Maureen too. Gilligan is my friend Charlie from Hawaii. He's telling me how the prices are down in Hawaii, and it seems there is a drought in Hawaii too.


Gledwood said...

Unhappy sober person?
Anna you sound desperately unhappy using. I've never heard it put the way you just put it, not that clearly, maybe it wasn't said, maybe I just wasn't listening... if the way you write is the way you see it (of course anything anyone writes is written to another person or people and/or themselves so we alter what we say according to circumstance), if that is how you see it most of the time, you do at least have a perspective you can use when you want to stop.
I don't know what else to say. Nobody looks at me or my life and sees what they think of as happiness, so I can't preach about happy. I feel happy but my life is a fucking mess and I know it. I'm just coasting on feelgood, getting to appointments, that's about it. I made myself physically ill with ... what? Running about like a headless chicken. And I don't want to come down. That dr is threatening antipsychotics. What will they do? Bring me down, probably and then how will I feel? I'm fucking terrified.
Sorry I know you probably don't want to hear this now you've got enough problems of your own. If our problems were ultra similar at the same time would we be able to help each other better? I know they're essentially the same, the difference is in phasing.
Anyway I'm off now, take it easy ;-)

Gledwood said...

OK here's a suggestion that really might drive you nuts NA!!!!

Ha ha!!

It does work though. Otherwise I wouldn't be going, no matter how much I complain about it, "keep coming back" as they like to say.

So I do. And they probably get the wrong idea of me. But I don't care. You don't do NA for anyone else, only you.

You're lucky not to have zillions of meetings because people will suggest you come three times a day etc I mean please! I do have other stuff to do and how on earth am I going to sit still in a meeting with no music going? Know what I mean.

I'm only saying it's an option and I'll put it down now, no matter how sad it sounds, as it's always a lifeline if you fuck up. You can go there first and share THEN come back and face the mess.

Only an idea darling. I've been to meetings on and off for 10 years would you believe. Not over heroin, but because I thought crack was addicting me. Then I became a smackhead instead. Heroin was my illicit meds, y'know... Now I'm pinging to sleep I'm weary I've expended a huge amount of energy!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm sorry to hear you have moved out of your parents place and are using again. I really am. It hurts my heart.

I will love you no matter what you do though.


Anonymous said...

be wary of what you tell state sponsored doctors. they can lock you in a place that believe it or not is worse than " coasting" as you put so well. i have, as i'm sure others have, horrors to tell. it's all a big mess. the bupe program does work if done right which is now illegal. they
as we know tainted it via FDA. I KNOW.
hard to find, for me. cuurently took the "alolphine" plunge and it is actually keeping me well and sane
,for now. i know, it may not be an answer, but i do not believe in answers. not one for anything.
my hope is too do the slowest detox on the juice as possible. if the mind is ready, i seen it work for others. lots of things work if we are ready.
you ARE a good writer btw.
keep living.
you will find a reason too.
you sound as if you have things to offer others which is one BIG one.
good luck.

Anonymous said...

by the way. the title of this blog is amazing.
i also know i am always contradicting myself. as i said. no answers. even mine. just options, maybe?

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

This getting sick and vomiting and a diet of Hohos doesn't sound like any fun.
That you'd stop for your parents seems hopeful.
I'll never give up on you.
Don't ever give up on yourself.
all the best,

Maureen said...

Honey, I am here for you, NOW as I think maybe you need to talk to a person. I see that you have real live friends, that is AWESOME! Many of us think you are ok, which ever way it is going to have to be.
Another methadone clinic Anna? Know they aren't the greatest, but if you need help & you do, we are here for you. I am here, we can even talk, I can email you at your email address. Please be gentle with your parents, they LOVE YOU. Anna, children are true gifts from God, remember that always

B said...

Bullshit. You did not move out of your parents' house.

Gledwood said...

i've had straight bupe it works as long as you're ready to be clear of gear, which i was...

... long story how it all fucked up

i'm on some kind of meds i posted it at mine i'm pissed off

hope you're ok

take care of yourself i didn't mean to do your head in by saying what i said right up top. it was just what i thought, and always would feel. maybe i wouldn't put it so bluntly but it just does not sound like happiness at all

i'm going to go into email tomorrow i was way too off on one to handle bits of forms and calendars and messages flying all over the place like an explosion which is how everything felt, it got ultra, hyper-intense

take care