Saturday, January 8, 2011

My life is the same everyday, but maybe someday that will change.

I woke up at 5 thirty am this morning to go pee. My mom was standing in her doorway, and said something to me, which I didn't hear. I walked straight back to my room, crawled into bed and fell back asleep. Around 8am I woke up officially, brushed my teeth, came out into the living room, took my pills. I took my Suboxone, even though I have Heroin in house. I have no idea how to get off the Suboxone without getting sick and then to use the Heroin so I can feel it. I have been smelling the Heroin on and off all day so far. Its China White, and its calling my name. I can just imagine myself cooking up a nice juicy shot of H, and putting that spike in my vein. OH god, its better than an orgasm.

Jess contacted me again. He's seeing a four foot seven Mexican women with three rugrats. He wants me to come over for one more sex fest on Wednesday. I told him I was interested, but really I could care less. My feelings for Jess have flown out the Window. My feelings for Heroin have flown back in the window.

I thought I was doing so well on the Suboxone. I didn't really have any urge to use until recently. After watching an intervention and seeing someone slip a spike into their vein, and then nod out. I miss that heavenly feeling. No problems, worries, no nothing. Emotionless.

How many fucking times am I going to post about Heroin? Aren't you all sick of me talking about Heroin like he's my lover? I should just move to New York use all my money to buy Heroin, become homeless, pawn my computer , stop blogging and live out the junkie dream, until I die, or god forbid worse...jail.

Why can't I think of anything to blog about any more. I haven't read a book since Word Virus, and that was a month ago. When I read I write. Plus I have work to do on I hate myself and want to die. They sent me back my manuscript so I could make some changes. There are a lot of changes I want to make, and I have until the end of this month to finish it. I haven't even started aside from taking BMelonsLemonade advice and incorporating it into the book. I will have to thank her in the book. I dedicated the book to my parents and Kurt Cobain.  I know I'm a loser.

I love you all for reading my blog. Happy New year. 2011!!!!

7 comments:

Anna Grace said...

Gledwood,
I got all three of your comments. Thanks for your help. Your a peach!

Gledwood said...

How come they vanished?

Gledwood said...

I know why they vanished. Did you get my email about the egyptian mummy. Do you think you can cure me?

Anna Grace said...

I got your email about "the Egyptian mummy", and yes I could cure you. I can send you a pic.

Anna Grace said...

I got your email about "the Egyptian mummy", and yes I could cure you. I can send you a pic.

Gledwood said...

Sorry never read this till just now.
Save the mummy picture for another time not never just not now, don't waste time thinking this over and getting para I really do mean just not now I think both of us are a bit vulnerable and we need to be more in touch with ourselves, you know what i mean. I'm feeling hypomanic i went to NA all fucking hyper caused a real disturbance in the kitchen making coffee and dancing while they were trying to do group shit in the other room. Fuck me someone came in and told me to calm down while I was pointing a teaspoon at the ceiling!!!!

Anonymous said...

what about anti-depressants. don't they work? how about a doctor, not just rehab.