I woke up at 5 thirty am this morning to go pee. My mom was standing in her doorway, and said something to me, which I didn't hear. I walked straight back to my room, crawled into bed and fell back asleep. Around 8am I woke up officially, brushed my teeth, came out into the living room, took my pills. I took my Suboxone, even though I have Heroin in house. I have no idea how to get off the Suboxone without getting sick and then to use the Heroin so I can feel it. I have been smelling the Heroin on and off all day so far. Its China White, and its calling my name. I can just imagine myself cooking up a nice juicy shot of H, and putting that spike in my vein. OH god, its better than an orgasm.
Jess contacted me again. He's seeing a four foot seven Mexican women with three rugrats. He wants me to come over for one more sex fest on Wednesday. I told him I was interested, but really I could care less. My feelings for Jess have flown out the Window. My feelings for Heroin have flown back in the window.
I thought I was doing so well on the Suboxone. I didn't really have any urge to use until recently. After watching an intervention and seeing someone slip a spike into their vein, and then nod out. I miss that heavenly feeling. No problems, worries, no nothing. Emotionless.
How many fucking times am I going to post about Heroin? Aren't you all sick of me talking about Heroin like he's my lover? I should just move to New York use all my money to buy Heroin, become homeless, pawn my computer , stop blogging and live out the junkie dream, until I die, or god forbid worse...jail.
Why can't I think of anything to blog about any more. I haven't read a book since Word Virus, and that was a month ago. When I read I write. Plus I have work to do on I hate myself and want to die. They sent me back my manuscript so I could make some changes. There are a lot of changes I want to make, and I have until the end of this month to finish it. I haven't even started aside from taking BMelonsLemonade advice and incorporating it into the book. I will have to thank her in the book. I dedicated the book to my parents and Kurt Cobain. I know I'm a loser.
I love you all for reading my blog. Happy New year. 2011!!!!