Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sort of an explination

I haven't been an active user on a daily basis since 2008. I remember how horrible this addiction gets. The pawned family treasures, the loss of trust, loss of hope, the struggle to get well every day. So far my using hasn't put too much of a strain on my life. I'm not using to get well, its still getting high. Not to say I'm not sick in the morning, I am its just I always have dope on hand. Before I never had money, now I do.

I've gone from using starting in 2003, to the Methadone clinic in 2006 where I still used up until 2008 when I was just wasting money using on top of the Methadone. From 2008 till 2010 I stayed the course on Methadone. I had relapse, but never got fully back on gear. In late 2010 I started Suboxone, which worked for a bit, but my tolerance went down. The whole time on Suboxone I thought about using again. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I went to Madison and visited some friends, and I ended up buying a 20 bag of H. I had to wean myself off the Suboxone, because the Naloxone in it would block the Heroin. I got myself off it, and I used the Heroin. From then on I called an old friend I knew was still using and I bought some Dilauded, and its just progressed from there.

I am by no means proud of myself. I still hate myself and want to die, but when I use I don't feel like that. Well when I'm high I don't feel like that I should say. Right now its like a happy reunion with a lover.  Really the dope keeps me on the up. My moods don't swing, I know how I'm going to feel day to day. I'm going to wake up and the first thing I think about is getting high. I drive to my dealers house four days out of the week and use there in the morning. I go there in my PJs. I buy enough to get me thru depending on how much money I have, I buy for up to three days. Usually its only two days. 60 dollars a day has been getting me thru. My parents borrow me some money, but my SSI payments take care of most my habit.

I know this interlude with dope is going to get tedious. I know where I'm going to end up. Not a pretty place. Probably back in Rehab, or back at the Methadone clinic. I know I could die, or end up back in jail, those two ends I don't want to see happen. Hopefully I can stop the habit before it gets that far, but I can't control anything when it comes to Heroin and all other opiates. I'm just trying to be smart about it. As smart as a once in recovery addict can be.

Does this make any sense?  I just want to be clear that I know what I'm doing is stupid. Its just the course my life is taking at the moment.

21 comments:

Gledwood said...

i think you need to explain

you know melody's blog says never apologize never explain

some of us do need to do that i think you should say more about how you got to where you are today, you should mention stuff from childhood if it is appropriate if you are or were using because you are unhappy now it is highly relevant

if you are not sure you can always email me but pls don't do it now
i am having a lot of trouble reading anything bar very very quickly because my head is going very very quickly and i know you know about that it is 2 fast i don't want to fucking stop i don't want to be depresed i was so fucking desperate for years on end fucking hell i won't go on about it, i'm only thinking of it bc of that psych statement interview thing yesterday i HAD TO DO
because someone else saw me fucked on mania
and said/thought they need to see you now with a negative drugs screen

that is the main reason i was down the psych place

to prove it's NOT DRUGS. not now

drugs were my medication self medication thats what i got told a lot of times self medication

and nobody offered me any alternatives

i am determined to leave most of the past in teh dumper where it belongs

my idea really is only one idea that you might or might not and i might or might not think is worth while it is not my opinion, i'm only trying to be clear as sometimes people assume i think x or y

what i do think is that people are misunderstanding you and that there is a way round that which might involve posting more rather than less

and posting will give you something to do

and it might give you ... what people get out of therapy y'know

sorry my blog is all over the place maybe i ought to leave it it sets me off just writing anything sets me off higher and higher and faster and faster at least i'm not FUCKING DEPRESSED why why fucking remind me guy in clinic me talking about stuff i fucking hate to think about it got way worse than i ever thought it had been until i kind of realized what had happened which is not pretty not inspiring just another sign of an utterly fucked up life i'm so not proud of its unreal

fucking hell anna what am i going to do?

i can't cope i don't know what to do

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Echoes of what Gledwood posted up there.
Posting about what led you to start up again.
take good care,
j.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, how old are you?

Anna Grace said...

I'll be 28 feb. 2nd

Gledwood said...

anna go to the methadone clinic before you go to do something that might put you in jail

you know that saying about not doing the crime if you can't do the time

you don't wanna do the time forget cans and cants

go to the clinic when you need them

can you cross over the first 2 days of methadone with mild and milder using (no using on day 3?)

thats a way that probably works

but you'll have to get a handle on the using

if you're in chaos there's a good chance you're as you know just gonna have to wait wait wait wait wait not what you want or need you need to be well

xxxxxxx

Valerie said...

CONGRATULATIONS on being back on drugs baby!

Anna my darling, I know you pull this piss-poor act so we all don't know your heiress lifestyle you actually pay for by international heroin importation (she supplies NYC with Colombian White Heroin the cow! Anna and I have come to blows. Rather gunshots between rapidly driving past cars) once or twice. Now we're best buddies.

Anna Baby could you see it in your heart to send us a coupla keys BEST QUALITY.

Thanks darling. I'll pay ya soon as this prison thing's sorted out.

Brucie's dealing dealing dealing away China White to Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Darwin, Wellington and Christchurch and everywhere in between. In other words that's all of Australia and New Zealand.

But we fell out big time over a little genital warts issue. As you might know.

That FUCKING BITCH DOWN THE MILK BAR.
That scummy cow. Now they're popping out here there everywhere!

Ho Ling seems to like them; something to nibble on. But that's her thing.

Me, I want them GONE!

See ya later baby. High on crack, me! Off me tits on China White!!!!

Out of the punishment block BACK TO REALITY

yeah baby!!!

PS explain how i can be on china white yet need your best colombian later. it has to do with me getting one up on that Bastard Bruce

take it EZ and don't wait too long to do something about rehab (if you're into that SHIT!!!!!)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

What can I say, Anna? It's honest. It is what it is.

I love you whether you are junked up or sober.

SB

Gledwood said...

Anna Baby the course your life is taking is down to you as well you know come on man!!

You might be powerless over your addiction but you had enough power to use no gear CONSTANTLY for 2 years...

i mean you weren't using constantly, not never ever used HEROIN in that time

y'know

o anna why can't you just stoppit i have i have stopped it, might be going cuckoo but at least its a good cuckoo not a fucking DOWNER know what i mean??

ok i gotta go before i realy start chatting shit

Anonymous said...

No, it doesn't make sense at all. What kind of quality of life is that? Yes, life can be tough, it has its ups and downs. Some days I feel happy as a lark, some days depression hits like a bat out of hell.
$60 a day for drugs?? That is just crazy...and from SSI payments. ACK. My own son who had a stroke at five and has some troubles could not get approved for SSI (he is now 21). Just makes me shake my head.

Glenwood...time to move on from traumatic moments of childhood. Time to give up blame and take responsibility for one's own path in life. Lots of people have shitty childhoods, it is an excuse not a reason why someone would mess up their adulthood.

Gledwood said...

Anon I'm not talking of moments, not specific times, only what we take from childhood into adulthood that stays with us. Not picking over old scabs that's no help to anyone.

I think if Anna told us more about herself she would explain herself better. Explanation isn't an excuse, but it's at least a way forward.

She obviously hasn't dealt with some issues, this is so obvious because she obviously isn't happy.

What makes you happy Anna apart from heroin?

When you're not on heroin, not on Dilaudid, not on opiates, what makes you happiest. Not happy. HappyER?

That... that might be what to go for. And please post again

;-)

Gledwood said...

Anna you dopey cow WAKE UP WAKE UP GOOD MORNING HELLO HI HI HI HIGH!

OK HIGH ENOUGH NOW??!

POST SOMETHING ELSE PLEASE. TELL US THE DRIPPING CREAMY CHINA WHITE HEROIN TRUTH ABOUT USING TELL ANYTHING TELL THE TRUTH

SO WHAT IF YOU FEEL YOU'RE LOST IN ADDICTION AGAIN POST HOW YOU FEEL

ISN'T THAT THE POINT OF A BLOG?

AT THE VERY LEAST YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU COME OUT OF WHERE YOU ARE NOW.

THAT IS THE POINT OF A DIARY.

MY BLOG AND DIARY ARE THE SAME. I CANNOT BE INTO KEEPING ONE HALF OF ME HERE, ONE HALF THERE, does my head in (capitals off, so relieved!)

Doris Lessing wrote a novel "The Golden Notebook" about a young woman keeping a diary. She has 4 notebooks (I think) each describing one aspect of her.

Eventually she gives up the 4 and goes into 1. 1 whole person: Hence the Golden Notebook her one diary.

Another thing about diaries is the "writing something you don't want another person to read" if you're blogging you've already crossed this one, which is a paranoia reducer. And you know what anyone who bothers to commen actually thinks. Or wants to think. I think some are just ranting at somebody they think is you. I'm not calling anyone a coward here but I do wonder if they actually met you and knew YOU if they'd say the same things the same way...........

......... ANNA POST SOMETHING MORE

STOP SLEEPING. YOU ARE BIPOLAR, SO WAKE UP and be MANIC with ME

(but I'm not bipolar ha ha har!!)

ps o yeah just remmebered the name of a better book from the same era

The L-Shaped Room by Lynne Reid Banks. It was made into a film but I never saw it, the book is so good it's probably one of those on-screen disappointers.

I never made it to the v end as some fucker stole it.

It's about a pregnant young woman who falls out with her parents. She ends up in what was then cheap is now a very expensive part of London (just outside Chelsea) which would be like ... just off Central Park West in New York...? CPW is posh right?

Anyway she's in this L shaped room on her own tries having an illegal abortion (this was the late 1960s) which fails and makes freinds with her fellow housemates

now i've told you enough to get you into the book, try reading it

at least its something not to do with boring old fucking drugs oh Anna really I do understand junkiedom I'm king of the fuckups but really my darling why why why why WHY??!!!

come with me, fly in the sky

on nothing

but our own superior energy

there ya go. said it in a yummy nutshell (hazelnut)

don't go down! don't go anywhere down or low. hazelnuts grow on trees, trees are on the ground. the trees grow higher and higher.

come up up UP UP UP with me into the sky

and don't stop taking medication that is NOT what i'm saying

I'm saying you can you CAN be happy without these drugs which are just, as you and I both know, at the end of the day ... NASTY

;-)

Maureen said...

Anna,
WHY are you doing this??? Nobody wants to listen to a "pity Party" no matter what the situation. Believe me, LIFE can be EXCITING w/out getting any worse!
Give it a try, do the right thing, only YOU know what that is.
Killing yourself isn't the answer, so grow up & get things straightened in your life. Know I am not ready to crash & burn and things aren't great for me either.
Glad I am alive though, see my son & s.o. and soon 2 be grandchild.
Love,
Maureen

Love,
Maureen

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
Another of your posts is over due!
don't worry about a "pity party" I love your blog being so honest.
I miss your frequent posts.
all the best,
j.

Gilligan said...

Well if u r gonna do H it's betta were ur @. Things have gone from bad 2 worse over hea in so-called "Paradise".
Since Dr. G went down pill prices have doubled! Bars-$3-5, baby blues(30mg oxy IR)-$10, & so on. a 1/4 of tar could'nt get a mouse high now. Now this is all if u can even score, dry days r becoming frequent. I've managed to stay well but I fear I'm gonna start givin uncle Louie blowjobs 4 a fix!
COST GOING UP, QUALITY GOING DOWN! @ least CRACK avoided the recession,LOL.

Gledwood said...

Anna I agree with Maureen and Taffeta though Maureen is writing from a drastically different point of view from yours and mine hence the harsh sounding language.

You want a life, I know you do, I also know you don't know where or how to find or get one. I want one too. Neither of us is sadder than the other, not in that "pathetic" sense. You may well be an unhappier person than me. I've never been happy. I avoid self-pitying because it puts you at the centre of the entire world, which as a grown-up you cannot possibly be. I think you know all this and Im speaking as your friend who doesn't know everything about you but I do think I know you YOU.

I don't have a magic answer, no magic wand. If I did trust me I'd wave it for you before anyone else in the world.

The best we can do blog wise is exchange ideas suggestions experience.

You are a blogger Anna. Already you tell people a lot.

I know you don't want to tell about using because you don't want a slew of comments about how irresponsible you are how you ought to stop even though addiction means CAN'T STOP... that's what addiction IS... if you could stop snap fingers you'd not be a heroin addict like me. I only count myself blest to have gone a little short distance away, far enough away not to be so intensely bothered by the stuff.

You seemed to do a whole lot of time yet be more bothered about it than me...?

There has to be something missing, in that case. Something isn't making you happy that could.

If the unhappiness is clinical depression than those bipolar meds are not working and you need to tell your doctor. You are a grown woman Anna you have told them stuff before. If you feel shit, tell them so. As a trained professional they'd be doing you a disservice to do nothing.

Yeah they will tell you to cut out the heroin.

Yeah they should also realize you took it because you didn't feel whole.

Sorry if this is painful, I'm just trying to be truthful and I would not be your freind if I lied

xxxxxxx

Gledwood said...

Gilligan where's paradise on earth and why TAR there not CHINA WHITE!!

If ya gonna do heroin do proper shit.

Ours if fucking CRAP.

REALLY EXECRABLE SHITE RIGHT NOW. #3 fully diluted with dog shit.

I'm pretty sure some actually was #4 at least it cooked up without sour nasty veinrotting fruit acids

Yet I heard even now (or rather last year before we had a Major Drought) our UK gear was stronger than California Tar which surprised me a lot but there you go i'm not into a slanging match about whose country or gear is better when we both don't know. There's a lot I love about America but the drugs scene and drugs policy doesn't sound the best. And the Ecstasy is RIDICULOUSLY pricey!! $20 a pill!!!! When it was $6 here... ok so i'm old. It was $30... $40 when it first came out, then $30... when I first did it it would have been approx $25 US I thought that was a LOT for a single pill... then the pill worked and WOW! THAT got me into drugs. Not acid not shitty pot.

I'm so glad to have left some distance between that shit and me. For once.... Once ever.

May this once last for ever. I never ever want back to paying for happiness.

Ever.

Gledwood said...

POST POST POST POST POST POST POST

ANNA FOCUS YOUR EYES

LISTEN TO ME

POST HYPNOTISE YOUR EYES EYES EYES YES

YES YES YES I'M GONNA POST TODAY

YES POST TODAY

POST NOW

POST

POST POST

POST

NOW!!

Valerie said...

Anna, Sweeness

Are you seriously after a bare-ass spanking? Me with my pingpong bat? Post some new revelations from the Dark Side of the Gear Spoon.

Listen honey you're doing that poor little mite Gledwood's head in here. Every fucking message that tosser writes comes up on MY blackberry now how wires got that badly crossed I haven't a clue, now it won't stop chirping at me all hours like a deranged ciccada!

Well it's all news from here in Sydney Women's Punishment Centre. We're being punished so severely we're off our tits on China White and Crack. Constantly. At least I am, as I'm the Fucker in charge here.

Ho Ling is Dealer to the Stars. She actually shots the deals out. Fat Trish holds on to a lot of shit that isn't stored in Ho-Ling's filing cabinet of private parts. Do you know she even seems to have BOOK SHELVES up there..??! You say "listen honey, here's the gear, here's the crack, here's the sleepers, here's the whacko stuff (got in a few designer drugs to perk up our Dull as Dishwater evenings)... say "oh sweeness, 2 pieces H, one crack, a rohypnol and a Blue Mystic and there they are before you can say "cockadoodle-do!" she's produced 'em from her "tuppence". That's what me old ma used to call me private parts when I was little. Ho Ling can carry several million units of LSD from a minor European country to here in that Wonderworld of hers, but sh's very angry I even suggest the idea so THAT one's out (till Ho Ling's desperate for a year's constant supply China White heroin + yummy coke!)

Now Baby on to your shit. Honey you're back using again; shit happens.

Are you really unhappy about it? Or just unhappy beeing slammed for telling us?

Valerie said...

That might make a one of those delicious posts of yours. Your attitude to heroin. Mine goes: take as much as you possibly can each and every day. Life's too short. Cracked off ya tits feels wonderful. Which is why when I'm at home with Brucey the little darlings actually live in a separate dwelling next door with their Chinese nanny. Takes the stress off our constant piping if ya know what I mean.

Plus it gives us REALLY WELL EDUCATED kids: they're fluent in Chinese!

Barely speak a word of English, mind. Chinese they can do marvellously well. So the future of Double UO Globules for future generations of Australian fuck-ups looks pretty wonderful.

Thanks for the six kilos Colombia's best Poppy Power. I'll reimburse ya with 10 units 999 or Double Lion, take ya pick. 10 units is seven keys so I'm giving you one extra honey-buns.

Your Mr Kim is doing extraordinarily well, pottering innocently about in that minefield-protected hut, humming incomprehensible Singaporean Chinese pop songs as he effortlessly transforms dodgy H3 into yummy A Grade China White Heroin!

I've had a little tase. A few tastes even and darling: Best Batch we've had in ages!

Thank you so much.

And re that $25 million US don't worry. I'm 17 million euros better off thanks to a little scheme I'd better not get too into here. Something to do with an Ecstasy Factory in a former Soviet Republic making an absolute fortune for ME ME ME ME ME!!!

They don't call me Queen of E for nothing (let alone China White!!)

Now I'm off for fucking lunch with 3 bitches who hate me. Something to do with my having gone for one with a certain sawn-off domestic implement and having told the other two they'd wait for later.

The Governor's being Real Nice to me these days since that half mil US in bribe dollars hit his offshore account. Finally the bitch is stressing less. Less stress for her means less stress for me. She's even letting me browse the old WWW from her swivel chair when she's home for the night (which is a sadly late hour, often past 10pm since the sad fucker hasn't a life).

Now Anna post some delicious details of your funky life. For me. For that fucker Gledwood if you have to. For yourself to "say where you've been" as Gledster puts it. (Been in too much counselling that one: know that bullshit when I hear it.)

Now on with the story Sweet Pea. On with the story. On on on.

WE'RE WAITING!!

xOxOxOx

Valerie said...

Oh Anna Baby please post soon. That FUCKING PHONE chirped LOUD just while Ho Ling's tongue was doing its expert best just now. Put me right off, knowing that awful Gledwood person is emailing, commenting, whatevering YET AGAIN!!

BLOG SOMETHING NEW HONEY US GIRLS ARE GETTING MIGHTY FRUSTRATED IN HERE.

We have nothing but drugs for entertainment. Shouldn't complain. Better than no drugs, but not better than your blog. So blog again Sweetness. OK!

Maureen said...

Hey Anna,
Sweetie, I am so sorry if I was HARSH, like Gledwood said, I just see a beautiful talented young woman who does SHINE, despite what you think! Haven't been on line in 2 days. Looking for ur blog today, I see a blog ( just below yours in my feeds ) and it is from "doped girl"! Said to myself, that is NOT Anna?!? A copycat blogger, with the very same problems? I don't know, and anymore it is making less sense to me.
All that I do know is that I felt so sorry for myself for too damn long. It is like the little boy that cried wolf! Check out doped girl on wordress. The name of her blog is kinda like the name of ur blog, like I said, thought it was you. going back to read to see if I even believe the nonsense, as I don't think in the real world things like addict behavior can't be copied! YOU do KNOW WHAT I MEAN, CORRECT?
Drama for me is long gone, it NEVER really helped.
won't comment anymre since ANYONE can read ur blog. WWW is big, too big for me to be honest anymore. Too many people read ur blog
Love YOU Anna
Maureen
Hang in there kiddo, U can do it!!