I haven't been an active user on a daily basis since 2008. I remember how horrible this addiction gets. The pawned family treasures, the loss of trust, loss of hope, the struggle to get well every day. So far my using hasn't put too much of a strain on my life. I'm not using to get well, its still getting high. Not to say I'm not sick in the morning, I am its just I always have dope on hand. Before I never had money, now I do.
I've gone from using starting in 2003, to the Methadone clinic in 2006 where I still used up until 2008 when I was just wasting money using on top of the Methadone. From 2008 till 2010 I stayed the course on Methadone. I had relapse, but never got fully back on gear. In late 2010 I started Suboxone, which worked for a bit, but my tolerance went down. The whole time on Suboxone I thought about using again. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I went to Madison and visited some friends, and I ended up buying a 20 bag of H. I had to wean myself off the Suboxone, because the Naloxone in it would block the Heroin. I got myself off it, and I used the Heroin. From then on I called an old friend I knew was still using and I bought some Dilauded, and its just progressed from there.
I am by no means proud of myself. I still hate myself and want to die, but when I use I don't feel like that. Well when I'm high I don't feel like that I should say. Right now its like a happy reunion with a lover. Really the dope keeps me on the up. My moods don't swing, I know how I'm going to feel day to day. I'm going to wake up and the first thing I think about is getting high. I drive to my dealers house four days out of the week and use there in the morning. I go there in my PJs. I buy enough to get me thru depending on how much money I have, I buy for up to three days. Usually its only two days. 60 dollars a day has been getting me thru. My parents borrow me some money, but my SSI payments take care of most my habit.
I know this interlude with dope is going to get tedious. I know where I'm going to end up. Not a pretty place. Probably back in Rehab, or back at the Methadone clinic. I know I could die, or end up back in jail, those two ends I don't want to see happen. Hopefully I can stop the habit before it gets that far, but I can't control anything when it comes to Heroin and all other opiates. I'm just trying to be smart about it. As smart as a once in recovery addict can be.
Does this make any sense? I just want to be clear that I know what I'm doing is stupid. Its just the course my life is taking at the moment.