Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Think I'm just happy

I've been using again every day. I have to say in a way Heroin has picked me up by the bootstraps and given me the kick in the ass I need. I no longer spend all day on the couch, I get out find money, find dope, use dope, change my clothes. Heroin holds me together. I don't feel depressed, in fact I feel amazing. Of course my tolerance has shot up much faster than I would like. I'm using China white and spending about 60 dollars a day. One shot in the morning, one shot in the afternoon, and one shot at night. I never was a four shot a day person. Three always got me thru. I make the one at night a big one.

I don't even hide it from my parents. They feel that as long as I'm in there house I'm safe. It sucks that I'm a total disappointment to them, but Heroin makes that bad feeling go away. My parents found out by looking at my arms. The bruises, and holes. I got this one really good vein. I don't want it to go away on me, so I am taking good care with it. I shower every morning, and use an alcohol wipe before I inject.

I've never blogged while using full fledged. I think my parents called that show intervention here in America. I stay out of their way pretty much. I usually get my morning shot at my dealers house. Its like leaving for the Methadone clinic every morning. I get Dilauded too, not just H. The Dilauded is more expensive, but I like it because it cooks up easy, and you know exactly what your getting and how much your getting.

I haven't been keeping up with other peoples blogs like I used to, but today I'm reading my top five and seeing what I missed. I haven't checked my emails even in a day. I normally check my emails everyday. Of course the Heroin is going to take my attention away from some of my everyday normalcy. I figure when my parents get totally fed up with me using, or when I run out of money because my tolerance is too high, I'll switch to the Methadone again.

Right now though I'm on a cloud. Hopefully I won't have to come down for a while.

I got to go, because I keep nodding out on this keyboard.

14 comments:

Anna Grace said...

may as well take down that donate button. Or at least the reason why people should donate. Too much work.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, who the hek would want to donate? Why should your readers pay for your habit?! Very disappointing but if you are happy that is all that really matters. Be safe!

elizabeth said...

I am very sorry to hear this. I wish you the best.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Just keep writing, Anna. If not on the blog, keep a notebook and pen with you. I always kept a tattered journal with me, even when I was in active addiction for years. A few of those journals survived the storm, and I often thumb through them for ideas, or character sketches. I look at them now, sometimes struggling to read the writing to get a glimpse of that old junky state of mind. I look at them to reference where i was, and it is such an interesting perspective to look at now. I look through them often now, and incorporate pieces into my writing. I do not think I would have ever used all the random scribblings when I was still getting high, but I am thankful to incorporate them now. Some of what I wrote then was ridiculous bullshit, but there are some real gems in all the madness, too.

Gledwood said...

thats because youre not holding yourself together forever ever together it holds you when youre' illillillillmentalllyyy ill
i'm manic
imanananananananannaanic
mental hospital went psychistriatrist
no lithium next weeeekekekekek
sleepers pills
anitpsychotics lithium they keep talk ing about that anti psychot ics lith i um they keep talk ing about that
toooooooooooooooooooooo
upppppppppp ananananana!
ANANANANA!
YOU NAUGHTY GIRL CURL URL UE OOO URL!
I'M OFF HEROIN OFF ALL DRUGS 6 WEEKS WENT BACK NO MOODS SWINGS ONLY HEROIN STOPS MY MOOD SWINGS METHAODNE DOESN'T BUT ID RATHER BE HIGH ON NOTHING THAN HIGH ON DRUGS
FUCKING

CLEAN DRUGS SCREEN

FUCKING PROVED IT
FUCKING PROVED IT
NOW AT LAST ALST K TOO FAST
THEY BELIEVE ME

AT LAST IT IS GOOD TO BE BELIEVED SO YOU CAN GET THE HELP YOU NEED AS I'M FRACTUREDD IN IN IN IN IN IN WIN

WIN LOST OF MONEY THE LOTTERY

LETS WIN THE LOTTO
ALL OF IT THE LOTTERY THE LOT THE LOTTO

LETS WIN SORRY TO GO IN IN IN ON ON UPON

MANIC DON'T PANIC

O FUCK THE FONE JUST RANG I CANNOT FOCUS SPEAK FUCKING SOUND LIKE NUTTER UTTER UTTER NUTTER BUTTER UTTER GOTTA GO LI OVE LOVE O
LOVE

XXXXXXXXXX

Anonymous said...

At last,some fucking honesty...

Anonymous said...

Anna,

The way you write about Heroin makes me think you have never had a habit before. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you've never taken Heroin before. Perhaps you're just starting to use now after years of glamorizing using in your mind. I have been down that road and it's not worth it. It might seem like the cure to everything at first but soon enough you'll be cursing it. if I am correct and you have not moved beyond prescription drugs, you'd be well advised to steer clear. Listen to Gleds and the way he writes about using. Its not something to glamorize. Get out while you still can. You don't have to define yourself by this drug using persona. Its not as cool as you think and all your heroes are dead. Stay safe. J

Nicole said...

If you're going to use you should really move out of your parents' house. Why put it in their faces like you do? You say that they know and they feel safer because you're living with them but that's bullshit and you know it. I'm not one of those Anons that are saying you should go hang yourself or anything like that, but if you're going to use do it on your own time in your own place. They already lost one daughter, why break their hearts any more?

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anon, Anna doesn't really write like she has much experience with heroin other than reading about it on other people's blogs, or books. Do people really still say China White? Didn't that go out in the eighties?? But maybe it's different in the Midwest, we certainly don't talk like that on the east coast.
So let's see... My prediction is Anna will shoot dope for a month or two, then back to methodone for 8 months, then onto suboxone for 2 months, ad infinium (look it up Anna, you claim to love words). Well at least for the time being she won't be constantly whining about getting high.
Anna, I wouldn't be surprised if you called Intervention yourself. The only thing you seem to crave more than heroin is attention. You've had a fucked up life and most of that wasn't your fault, but at some point you have to stop with the bullshit and work through it, which you never seem willing to do. I'm glad your getting high again. Go all out, use as much as possible and hit a fucking bottom for christ's sake. But try not to kill yourself in the process. I had another friend OD and die just before Christmas, a great guy with a great life and he just couldn't leave the fucking drugs alone. He always wanted to get high "just ons more time." Well, he has had his last high now, because he's in the fucking ground. I sincerely hope that's not what's going to happen to you.

Anna Grace said...

Wow, so many people question weather or not I've ever been strung out. All because I'm happy again. I assure you nothing on this blog has been a lie.

I agree I should move out. The parents comment hurt the most. I hate hurting them. I try my damnedest to not shove my using again in their faces.

Gledwood, you sound out of your mind. I hope your doing better today. If your enjoying the mania then I guess its okay.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
Don't worry about keeping up with blogs.
I'm sorry that you're back on heroin.I guess that's why you've been quiet.(posting anyway)
Parents love you no matter what, I know.
Only you will know when you're ready to quit.
all the best..
j.

Memoirs of a Heroinhead said...

Anna, well done!!!! Heroin's not the big bad beast all these anonymous cunts make it out to be with their fucking clich├ęs and life eaten brains. the real problem is life... the injustice and rotteness of people.

THE WORLD NEEDS REHAB... NOT THE JUNKIES!

Anonymous commenters, come over and put your shit on my site... you fucking cockroaches! I dare Ya... come across and post you meagre intellect there.

Anna, you're a smack sister... the anonymous retards saying you've never used (but they have) are the real saddos and fantasists. They probably spend their days talking about Jesus... or how great their sponsors are. Boredom.. that's why they come here, read all your words and then take the time to comment... idiotic or what? All that time on something they know everything about...

take care Anna, and enjoy your little dance with the pin....XXX

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
Another post is due(don't mean to pressure), but you are one very interesting girl and it makes for a great blog read.
Waiting for your next post,
j.

Mr. Orange said...

HH,

well put. thats all.