Monday, February 21, 2011

eat you when your cancer turns black

The sky is gray, snow is slowy cascading from the sky, six inches has already fallen through out the night. I wake up at 5:55am, and come out to the couch, where my parents are already awake and starting to watch a movie. In the movie was Sean Penn, Nicholas Cage, and it was filmed in the 1980s. Its about 2 all American boys getting ready to go to WW2. They fall in love, and one gets a girl pregnant and they have to find the money for an abortion. Its just your typical movie. 

This morning I didn't take my Suboxone because last night I took 10mgs, and got a little high. I did take the rest of my morning pills, including my Adderal. I wanted to work out today. Normally when I take my Adderal, 60mgs at once I can't sleep. Yet for some reason today when my mom started to vaccum I went into my room and fell sound asleep. I did wake up every half hour, but I was able to sleep in between. I had gone in my room around 10am and didn't get up until 1pm. 

When I got up I felt the hankering to blog. I don't really have much to say. Against all advice I've gotten I am not taking the bed at Nova duel diagnosis center. I hate change, the fact that my parents are moving to Arizona is upheaval enough for me. Living by myself is going to be a big change. As I've stated above I hate change.

Gledwood, no need to worry about me taking Adderal when my parents are gone, my insurance won't pay for it anymore. Probably the best thing that could happen. I've been using them mainly to stave off my appitete. Getting thin is always priorty numberal uno. Getting menally healthy comes in at a distance two. I need to call my physc. Doctor and tell him that I feel like shit. I think about suicide often, and when I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm thinking about a million and one things at the same time. When I'm manic I speak in a higher pitched voice. When I'm depressed I'm monotone. At least that what my parents told me to look for when they are gone, to see if I'm cycleing. Gledwood I thank you for talking to your doctors about me, when it should be all about you. I feel terriable if they think your taking adderal.

Tonight I'm making Chicken and mash potoatos for dinner.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


For those of us who live in four season weather, I have an observation. Remember in October when the temps dipped below 50 degrees and we all thought it was so cold out, we put on gloves and a parka to go out side and smoke? After that we suffer through a winter where temps drop to -20 degrees, so when a day like today where the temps are around 45 degrees, it feels warm, and you see people in shorts. No more jackets. I find it so strange how our body's adapt.

News, my parents are leaving for Yuma Arizona March 1st. They will be gone till June 1st.  Most of you know the reason I don't use is because I don't want to hurt my parents. Last time they lived more than 200 miles away from me, I became strung out on Heroin and Dilauded. Now they are going to be 1,000 miles away, and I have no one to answer to.

Last night I had a craving so bad, that I abused my Suboxone. Instead of taking my normal four milligrams, I took 16mgs, and I felt a nice glow. All my worries about relapsing while my parents are gone, faded away.

Another worry I have about my parents leaving, is if I have a manic, or depressive episode who will be there to keep me in check. When I'm in a mania I feel too good to call a doctor on myself, and when I get too depressed I just think about killing myself, and don't want to call a doctor to stop myself form doing what I feel needs to be done to stop the depression.

By the way I cancelled my bed at Nova duel diagnosis rehab in Madison WI. Mainly because I will be flying down with my parents and staying with them for the first two weeks. Then I fly home without my parents.

I'll be totally off Suboxone in less than a month, and I know when I get off opiates I always drop into a deep depression. I'll be home alone in house full of guns. I haven't told my parents about my worries, because my mom and dad are so excited. My mom will be making 12,000 dollars in three months. My parents have to pay in 3,000 dollars in taxes before April 15th. They need the money. Their housing will be paid for in Yuma, but here in WI they will still be paying 850 a month in rent. Plus the cable, electric, heat, and their phone bills. Since I will be by myself, I'll have to pay for everyday things, I do have food stamps for food, but cigarettes, gas, phone bill, entertainment, Eleanor's food, and bones, and treats, toilet paper, Shampoo, conditioner, Weight watchers, etc... are all things I'll be paying for out of my 600 some dollars a month.

I'm fucking 28 years old, I should be able to care for myself. What will I do when my parents die? I'm so dependent upon them. I want to ask my dad to stay home. I'm so selfish.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I fucking love you Kurt Cobain. Why can't there be more of you?

I fucking love Nirvana, and have always wanted to model my life after Kurt cobain, hence my obession with Junk. There is nothing better in music than to hear Kurt Cobain scream. I imagine fucking him over and over. The dirty things I would do to him. I don't care what he thinks unless it is about me.

Short post. Nothing interesting

This morning I woke not drowsy. Normally I hate the way I feel when I wake up. I've got phlem, my eyes water my nose runs. Then I remember that I'm lonely, and hate the fact that I hate my body. The last part happened today.

I love the thought of underwater. Its so serene, and beautiful under there. I really just want to lie floating, sinking to the bottom of a deep blue ocean. While sweet, soft music plays as I just watch the fish swimming all around me. Someone just lying there sinking next to one and other.

I swear there are no men out there that would ever compare to the man I have in my head. Maybe Robert Pattionson, but him in How to be, not in the Twilight movies.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Letting the truth out. So sorry I lied.

I think its time for me to come clean. I never relapsed. I'm actually only taking four mgs of Suboxone now. Thats down from 16mgs a day. The reason I lied is because I had nothing to write about. Now that I don't have an addiction to write about, and now that I no longer want to use its not fun to write about using. I had one small relapse, and from there I just took it too far. I lied to everyone on here. I appreciate everyone who has given me support through what they thought were troubled times.

In fact I have been doing very well. I'm in a journalism class at NWTC. I'm saving my money to go to Hawaii where I can get a degree in English Lit. I"m torn between here in Green Bay, and going to Hawaii. This winter has really had me in the mood for Hawaii.

I appoligze to Gledwood, BMelonsLeomonade, Elizabeth, and everyone else who reads this blog. I know your thinking is she lieing now, and I know this is going to cause me to loose a lot of readers. I just don't have big problems anymore. Except maybe my moods, but thats nothing compared to my addiction. At least in terms of exciting to read about. My moods are actaully a problem, and I am going to a Duel Diagnosis treatment facility on Feb. 20th. But thats just to get off the Suboxone, and get my Bi Polar meds under control.

Gledwood I'm so sorry. In a way I'll always love Heroin, but I no longer need it in my life. I'm no longer a junky whore. I do play with Eleanor. I never moved out of my parents house. I never dissapointed them. In fact I've made them proud, by choosing to better my life with school, and treatment. I would say I still have an addiction to benzos, but compared to my Heroin addiction I find it small by comparison.

I can't appoligize enough to everyone. From now on I'm going to be brutally honest. The name of my blog is lie. I'm not strung out again. I still hate my face, and hate this place. At least for the time being. When summer comes along I might just enjoy it again.

Haters bring it on. Dissapointed readers bring it on. I have it comming to me.

Right now I'm jelous of my friends, all of which are working at good jobs, having kids. I'm stuck in this nowhere land, where I can't bring myself to land a man. I feel like working on myself before I start to think about a man, but I'm 28. I don't have a lot of time to snag a man. That's why I hang on Gledwood. He's going through something similar to me, and I understand what he writes about.

I'm still a trainwreak.

I'm posting this fast so I can get high

Whats new with me? Well I've been clean for five full days. I'm only using every once in a while now. I moved back in with my parents. Right now I'm watching the Twilight saga movies. I have all three, and can't wait for the next installment to come out. Some one complained that I talk about my dog to much. Well I'm glad to be back with Eleanor. She is the sweetest thing to me. I'm off to rehab for 90 days soon, and I won't be able to see her. Maybe on visits, but not like now.

Its strange normally I dread rehab, but this time I'm actually looking forward to it. I wanna get my meds straightened out. I want to live a clean life again. This time without Methadone, or Suboxone. A truely clean me. It sounds insane. Me clean. WTF!

Lately I've been going to water arobics classes with my mom at the YWCA, and its alot of fun. Of course I only go on days that I've used. Otherwise I just don't feel like doing anything.  Like today I feel lousey, and am just sitting on the couch watching movies. I do have some H to use up. My mom and dad went shopping, and after I'm done typeing this up I might go bang up. Not really a might, I will. Then I get down on the floor and play with Eleanor.

The main thing thats going to suck about rehab is that I won't be able to use in there. I will be able to wear my pinnk sweatpants  all the time. Will match my phone. Thank god you can still smoke in rehab.

My moods have been up and down, but thats because I've been on and off drugs.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Elliott Smith

Listen to the words of this song. This song is meant for Gledwood, and everyone else who reads this.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Couple of questions.

My birthday was Feb. 2nd. The day Gledwood posted a post about me, and sent me a song. Which I would like to thank him in my blog.

I haven't used Heroin in over four days. I was sick as a dog for the past three days, now I'm feeling better, but I just want to use. The reason I haven't used is because I don't have the money. My direct deposit hasn't come in yet.

I am going to duel diagnosis on Feb 20th and I'll be gone for 90 days that means no posts for 90 days, unless they have the Internet there. Its not like jail so they might have Internet there. I can bring my phone and that has Internet on it, and I can post from my phone.

I'm going to miss Eleanor. My baby girl is so perfect. I only get to see her when i come here to my parents house. I miss her all the time. She is my reason to get clean.

I've come to the conclusion, some people are meant to use heroin. Some people, me included are just not meant to be junkies. I can't take the stress it puts on me, by disappointing my parents. I can't just say screw everyone I'm going to do what I want. Perhaps after my parents pass on, I'll go back to it. That is if I even feel like it.

Does anyone know how many Percocets are equal to four mgs of suboxone? I tried taking Percocets to ease my withdrawals. The Suboxone kept me from getting sick, now I'm out of Suboxone. Please be a doctor out there to help me. Although Percocets have Tylenol in them and that does a number on my liver, and I already have Hep C. So I can't take too many Percocets. Five is my limit. The Percocets are free.

I know this goes against my getting clean, but I'm desperate to get that feeling back.

Is there any sexy men out there? If so send me pictures of your penis. Email them to