Monday, February 21, 2011

eat you when your cancer turns black

The sky is gray, snow is slowy cascading from the sky, six inches has already fallen through out the night. I wake up at 5:55am, and come out to the couch, where my parents are already awake and starting to watch a movie. In the movie was Sean Penn, Nicholas Cage, and it was filmed in the 1980s. Its about 2 all American boys getting ready to go to WW2. They fall in love, and one gets a girl pregnant and they have to find the money for an abortion. Its just your typical movie. 

This morning I didn't take my Suboxone because last night I took 10mgs, and got a little high. I did take the rest of my morning pills, including my Adderal. I wanted to work out today. Normally when I take my Adderal, 60mgs at once I can't sleep. Yet for some reason today when my mom started to vaccum I went into my room and fell sound asleep. I did wake up every half hour, but I was able to sleep in between. I had gone in my room around 10am and didn't get up until 1pm. 

When I got up I felt the hankering to blog. I don't really have much to say. Against all advice I've gotten I am not taking the bed at Nova duel diagnosis center. I hate change, the fact that my parents are moving to Arizona is upheaval enough for me. Living by myself is going to be a big change. As I've stated above I hate change.

Gledwood, no need to worry about me taking Adderal when my parents are gone, my insurance won't pay for it anymore. Probably the best thing that could happen. I've been using them mainly to stave off my appitete. Getting thin is always priorty numberal uno. Getting menally healthy comes in at a distance two. I need to call my physc. Doctor and tell him that I feel like shit. I think about suicide often, and when I'm not thinking about suicide, I'm thinking about a million and one things at the same time. When I'm manic I speak in a higher pitched voice. When I'm depressed I'm monotone. At least that what my parents told me to look for when they are gone, to see if I'm cycleing. Gledwood I thank you for talking to your doctors about me, when it should be all about you. I feel terriable if they think your taking adderal.

Tonight I'm making Chicken and mash potoatos for dinner.

10 comments:

Gledwood said...

He would know I wasn't taking it because I can prove with a piss test I'm not on amphetamines. I was going to ask him at the end to see what he said about the issue. I don't mind doing it it will only take a minute but I bet he will say "no don't do it"!

It's 5.26AM here I have to go. I just tapped out a load of rubbish but deleted it. Take care of yourself I'll come back tomorrow ;-)

Gledwood said...

Did I put this here? Probably at mine where it would be lost in reams of my normal rubbish....

... I used to be somebody who was into anything new. Try anything. Go anywhwere etc etc... Then I tried heroin. And heroin stopped me trying very much else bar crack and drink. Heroin put the lid on my life for once and for all.

So on heroin I ended up as someone too terrified to change even to go UP the road to a place I don't know rather than DOWN it as I do every day where everybody hangs out. It got that bad. And I'm sure you sympathize in at least some way, maybe a big way.

I think it says a lot about how our addiction eats us and I think it is a trick addiction plays on us, saying "there's nothing out there for you, but me"... when the world is full of wonderful things.

If only we had the will to find them

Gledwood said...

You know there's a whole load of books and online resources that can help you keep track of bipolar cycles. One is called Mood Tracker. There should be an ad at the top if you go here:

http://www.mcmanweb.com/bipolarfaq1.html

McManWeb.com is one of the really good sites out there for anyone who has depression or mood problems.

I get to see my dr tomorrow so I don't know whether he will say I have mood swings from the drug abuse I used to do or whether it's something else because I have honestly no idea. The antipsychotics I get don't work 100% I still get real paranoia eg yesterday on the bus. I just got off early rather than ride with all those people, it felt like they were talking about me.

The good news is my methadone goes down by 10mg next week I'm really looking forward to taking less. I hate being on the stuff!

I wouldn't beat yourself up about the Suboxone. Can you really feel anything different from 6 extra mgs? If so I bet before you were opiate dependent you'd not have noticed that difference. Know what I mean...

Gledwood said...

I just watched the vid and I love it. We had long had a tradition of grunge here in the UK when it hit the American mainstream. Kurt and Courtney reminded me a bit of the crusties we had with dredlocked hair and dogs on strings. They were like glamour-crusties... I liked crustie ravers, they were my favourite type. Crusties on ecstasy and ketamine...


Wish me luck for this dr appt tomorrow it's 2:30am now I'm not really looking forward I'm afraid of what he'll say when I ask for a diagnosis.





(I have to wait till after 00:00 hrs here which is 6pm your time, assuming central is EST -1hr... is that right? )

Gledwood said...

Re the speed the answer is a NO. A big NO NO in bipolar. If it doesn't cause mania it causes depression. Maybe the best thing to do is call a drug treatment prgram somewhere out of state like Florida and get confidential medical advice, that's all I can advise. If you just drop them you might plummet down in mood. I cannot advise what to do this is more of an issue for you than popping a dilaudid it's directly affecting your illness it's really important you do the right thing and only a dr can advise that.

Gledwood said...

oh come on man it's all me here post something new Anna please! even if you're feeling shitty and down just post you feel shitty and down or if you can manage it WHY or at least HOW you feel as you do. please, for me, your friend, tell me how you are

Gledwood said...

you know i've just realized something you'd get less hassle from anonymouses if they really understood your issues, not every anonymous has read very far back, some might be getting just one post from a google search which will give you just that post, no yesterday, no tomorrow, no context

if you can explain yourself more you'll do good i assure you

just an idea! come on anna what's wrong baby why you hiding? are you ok? please tell me you're ok. or if your'e not ok that you're not ok please say something

Gledwood said...

Anna are you in hospital? Are you ok where are you? How are you? Please write back I'm manic but don't panic. I 4got medication its causing elation. If I could give you some manic Power I would. If I could reach into my screen and save you I would I would save you before anyone else in the world

Anonymous said...

Gledwood why are you the only person who comments here and why do you comment 7 unanswered times on each post? Chill bro.

Gledwood said...

Because I know her from time past. Thats all. And we have v similar problems. Very similar.

I'm not that unchilled really but I get your point. I wouldn't affect cool though just to look cool I'm only as cool as I am, know what I mean!?