Thursday, February 10, 2011

Letting the truth out. So sorry I lied.

I think its time for me to come clean. I never relapsed. I'm actually only taking four mgs of Suboxone now. Thats down from 16mgs a day. The reason I lied is because I had nothing to write about. Now that I don't have an addiction to write about, and now that I no longer want to use its not fun to write about using. I had one small relapse, and from there I just took it too far. I lied to everyone on here. I appreciate everyone who has given me support through what they thought were troubled times.

In fact I have been doing very well. I'm in a journalism class at NWTC. I'm saving my money to go to Hawaii where I can get a degree in English Lit. I"m torn between here in Green Bay, and going to Hawaii. This winter has really had me in the mood for Hawaii.

I appoligze to Gledwood, BMelonsLeomonade, Elizabeth, and everyone else who reads this blog. I know your thinking is she lieing now, and I know this is going to cause me to loose a lot of readers. I just don't have big problems anymore. Except maybe my moods, but thats nothing compared to my addiction. At least in terms of exciting to read about. My moods are actaully a problem, and I am going to a Duel Diagnosis treatment facility on Feb. 20th. But thats just to get off the Suboxone, and get my Bi Polar meds under control.

Gledwood I'm so sorry. In a way I'll always love Heroin, but I no longer need it in my life. I'm no longer a junky whore. I do play with Eleanor. I never moved out of my parents house. I never dissapointed them. In fact I've made them proud, by choosing to better my life with school, and treatment. I would say I still have an addiction to benzos, but compared to my Heroin addiction I find it small by comparison.

I can't appoligize enough to everyone. From now on I'm going to be brutally honest. The name of my blog is lie. I'm not strung out again. I still hate my face, and hate this place. At least for the time being. When summer comes along I might just enjoy it again.

Haters bring it on. Dissapointed readers bring it on. I have it comming to me.

Right now I'm jelous of my friends, all of which are working at good jobs, having kids. I'm stuck in this nowhere land, where I can't bring myself to land a man. I feel like working on myself before I start to think about a man, but I'm 28. I don't have a lot of time to snag a man. That's why I hang on Gledwood. He's going through something similar to me, and I understand what he writes about.

I'm still a trainwreak.


Gledwood said...

Anna I really fucking hate you. Just kidding! So what if you said you were using heroin and you weren't it just proves me right I never thought you wanted heroin and I couldn't understand what anonymous who obviously hasn't read you closely enough to get you was barking up the wrong tree when he/she wanted to believe my drug talk (what drug talk?) was setting you off to use. I know you love talking about heroin, so do i. Doesn't mean you wanna use it.
Anyone who doesn't get this perhaps needs to grasp if you can talk about your former drug of choice without craving it, it means you're getting over it.
I think it's more unhealthy to avoid any mention of heroin and to avoid teaspoons or whatever paraphernalia than to just face up to it.
The other day someone wanted heroin and crack I saw the shit right in front of me and I didn't want it. Crack is the dog-shit of drugs. Heroin is just a fucking chemical lie and a waste of a life. Why would I want that fucking rubbish? It's crap, all of it just crap.
My one question is are you going into that dual diagnosis rehab place?
Also that $20 bag you talked about getting did you actually buy that.
Anna I don't care what details you lied about I'm only asking for clarification on 2 points. Don't let people get to you.
I think B Melons, Elizabeth and co will just be glad you're not on heroin.
Just take note of that proverb about the boy who cried wolf and make sure you're truthful in future otherwise you really will lose readers. If you lose readers over this then they weren't worth having to begin with.
I think people need to accept you for who you really are and I don't think most people do understand who you are. If they did you wouldn't have anonymouses laying into you for daring to claim money off the government. Look at it this way: if one of your books hit the bestseller list the govt wouldn't hesitate to tax you as heavy as they could get away with. You are ENTITLED to what you get, so fucking do as you please with it. Our governments waste enough of our tax pounds and dollars on shit most of us don't want like wars in Afghanistan and Iraq so claim claim claim away.
Sorry I went off point here.
For God's sake don't beat yourself up for pretending to be on heroin, there's far worse lies you could have told. If you want it any clearer I FORGIVE YOU DARLING ok???!

Gledwood said...

Make sure you answer the rehab question it's important.

Gledwood said...

hey why don't you change the title to "i hate my face, i hate this place and i'll never be strung out again"

Anna Grace said...

Yes I'm going to treatment at a duel diagnosis center, and the small relapse I had last month where I bought the 20 bag was true.

Thanks Gledwood.

Valerie said...

Honestly Anna Grace what is wrong with you?

A respectable upper middle class housewife like me lies all the fucking time about NOT being on gear and crack because it doesn't suit my wonderfully groomed image - and here you are doing the exact opposite!

Do you WANT people to think you're a loser? Seriously babe, losers have paid my rent for years. Heroin's great business. Best business in the world. Bought me enough diamonds, emeralds, sapphires, didn't it!

I know it looks cool to be an international drugs player as you are and to dabble in the shit, but honestly darling you have my full respect for shifting those multi hundred key loads into NYC without indulging.

I wish I could do the same.

And here I am, piping again, just about to hit up another G, right in my left femoral (only vein I've got left, when that goes I'm topping myself) and I can't fucking stop. I'd love to stop, but I can't honey. Been on the shit for more years than I care to recall. Can't stop now!

You want truth and honesty baby? I'm the train wreck. You're putting your life in order. How the fuck does that make you a train wreck, darl?

I know I'm a multimillionairess with 17 carat blue diamonds (the glass diamond was a damn lie, I was just trying to hit you for $5 million loan to fuck up Brucie)

... but am I happy? Truly happy? No fucking way.

My kids live in another house because to be frank I cannot stand the sight of them. I need a 2G shot of China White just to say good morning to the little brats.

I live with a man I loathe who is my longterm business partner and I depend on him utterly. I hate to admit it but I do. He invests our money in respectable businesses like gambling parlours, whorehouses etc.

Yeah I arrange shipping and handling on the heroin imports. And I do the emailing. But it's Brucey who handles most of the distribution. The local maff don't respect women. So I leave the heavy shit to him. I don't mind pulling a trigger now and then, but crapping away talking shit to some nobody gang boss, honestly doll, I don't have the patience. Also it's not considered polite to pipe crack in front of these drug dealer bastards. No idea why. They're selling the shit. Like to think a woman like me doesn't smoke. Yeah, right.

Valerie said...

I've clucked like a frozen turkey more times than I care to remember. But without heroin and crack I'm nothing. Just an empty vessel only hard drugs can fill.

So you see, baby, this is the truth about drugs.

Drugs have won me a huge house, lots of jewellery, a 10,000 acre farm near Perth and the respect of Burma's chief poppy lords and yeah if you wanna see it this way I do prey on the lost and the desperate to make my cash. Well they're gonna do something fucked up with their lives so why not Auntie Val's best 999 Brand Heroin? Least they're fucking themselves up on the best shit money can buy!

I only realized this when those bastards put me in prison, then took away the only thing that makes my life worth living. That I'm nothing without drugs. Nothing.

Forget about leading an enviable life, if you can just make it through the day without the shit I rely on, your twice the woman I'll ever be.

So chin up, darling. It's me who's depressed today. Hey maybe I caught that bipolar thing off ya!

Take care babes and don't worry. I still read ya. Ho Ling and Trish still read ya. So you got three mad Aussies on your side at the very least.

I'm in a pretty violent mood tonight, so if any bastard dares mess with you, I'll shoot the fucker between the eyes. How does that sound?!

Take care babes and for once I agree with that idiot Gledwood: tell us whether this rehab thing's going ahead. It wasn't my prison talk putting ya off was it? I was just joshing honey. I'm sure American rehabs are dead cushy. They fucking charge enough money don't they!

Speak later Honey

Your best friend (way better than that Gledwood)



Valerie said...

I just read your answer. Sorry doll I was too involved in getting this stupid blackberry to comment I didn't see it.

Good on ya. Come out clean and serene. Shit I sound like Gledwood now.

Well best of luck and all. Not that I won't speak to ya beforehand.

I really admire you babes, you know that??


Anonymous said...

Reading your blog is like watching a train wreck.
It is just plain dumb to lie.
As with all train wrecks, the wreckage is always cleaned up and life begins again.
I hope your rehab helps you.


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Your friends aren't gonna let a little white lie bother them. It doesn't bother me at all.

There is 1 thing that DOES BOTHER me, which is the fact that you think you're uninteresting without drug use.----On the contrary, you're showing you're strong and that is not JUST INTERESTING, it's also INSPIRING.

You need never make up things to make yourself more appealing, never.I'm hooked on your blog and have only been reading it a couple mos.

I think you are pretty IMPRESSIVE STUFF.

28 is very young. You absolutely DO have plenty of TIME to find Mr Right.
Please don't get so harsh on yourself. You are GENUINE and we LOVE YOU.

I'm so happy your parents are good to you & love you as much as you do them.
Smile Anna, I'm not the only one so happy & proud that you did not relapse:)

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Good to see you writing again.
I've missed your sense of humor:)
You have a way of lightening the weight of anyone's shoulders:)

elizabeth said...

Anna I am very proud of you. I just want you to get better. You have alot of good, clean, living yet to do! You make me very happy.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, I just told my bet friend this tonight, and I am going to reiterate it to you. Anna, do you. In whatever shape or form that takes. Anna, it took me a long, long time to love myself..especially with all the shit I have been through. Anna, just do Anna. DO NOT WOORY ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. If you do Anna, if you do what is good with Anna. Then, I will always respect you for it. Anna, you have a real friend in me. Anna, you have a true friend in me. I have done it. I have been there. I get it... and I am better from it. I WILL ALWAYS help you. No matter what you need...from one writer to another, from one addict to another...and most importantly, from one friend to another...I am always here for you..You will never disappoint me..please follow my leaD, BEAUTIFUL GIRL!!

Gledwood said...

Anna read my blog now I wrote a post about you and it's full of insults...

ok it isn't but come round and comment


Gledwood said...

Anna do you mind my putting your photo up at mine? I thought it would be OK with you it's not the really good one in the car but you look a bit guilty in the one i put up so that's why it's there because you posted that you felt guilty

Brother Frankie said...

addict are so dang predictable at being unpredictable..



Gledwood said...

Anna Sweets, I wanna know what you thought of my post and if there's something wrong about it tell me what and where and I'll repost. But I can't repost if you don't tell me. Anyway I'm after some flattery for my incisive character interpretation of you which I think if fucking spot on to be frank, my darling.

Anna what are you doing? Hiding in the bathroom crying? Hiding under that duvet refusing to face the world?

What are you doing? Still guilt tripping yourself again. Why the hell should you care what anybody thinks. What you need to do is post up a fuck you post to the world. I'm not talking about being rude I'm talking about making it abundantly clear you don't need anybody's approval or anybody's love or respect and that you are who you are and anyone who doesn't like it can run off and do one.

Anonymous said...

Anna, Im really proud of you
who cares if you lied?
its your blog,
you can do whatever the hell you want with it.

Anonymous said...

Yay! I am actually really glad that was all a lie. Please keep us up to date on your progress. Peace and Love

naomi said...

dont feel that you have to lie to be interesting. you are anyway! im sure it wasn't that ficticious, i bet you just took a previous relapse and wrote about it just changing the date- i know, we all do, we've been there. its your blog, dont ever feel like you have to write daily (though i like reading it!) if you dont want to, or if you have days when you cant think of anything, how about a hello, a link to a site you like, a review of a movie or post your fave songs like the other day... or how about writing about another experience you've been through, or tell us a bit more indepth about certain aspects of your life that you dont mind sharing. yes, you have an addiction and a mental illness but you are also anna grace, the person, with a lot to offer and a lot of ideas and dreams. your course sounds great, would love to see some of your stuff!
you are doing so well not using.

did you say you are coming off subutex? if so how long you been clean, and do you think you are ready? im my experience, i came off methadone for 3 months and when i took heroin, i was back addicted in 3 days. bad stuff!

anyway girl, dont worry, take care, keep writing xxxx

Maureen said...

The very best to you sweetie, YOU are still young, and there are many men out there! YOU don't need to lie, I am so glad your parents don't have to worry about you anymore.