For those of us who live in four season weather, I have an observation. Remember in October when the temps dipped below 50 degrees and we all thought it was so cold out, we put on gloves and a parka to go out side and smoke? After that we suffer through a winter where temps drop to -20 degrees, so when a day like today where the temps are around 45 degrees, it feels warm, and you see people in shorts. No more jackets. I find it so strange how our body's adapt.
News, my parents are leaving for Yuma Arizona March 1st. They will be gone till June 1st. Most of you know the reason I don't use is because I don't want to hurt my parents. Last time they lived more than 200 miles away from me, I became strung out on Heroin and Dilauded. Now they are going to be 1,000 miles away, and I have no one to answer to.
Last night I had a craving so bad, that I abused my Suboxone. Instead of taking my normal four milligrams, I took 16mgs, and I felt a nice glow. All my worries about relapsing while my parents are gone, faded away.
Another worry I have about my parents leaving, is if I have a manic, or depressive episode who will be there to keep me in check. When I'm in a mania I feel too good to call a doctor on myself, and when I get too depressed I just think about killing myself, and don't want to call a doctor to stop myself form doing what I feel needs to be done to stop the depression.
By the way I cancelled my bed at Nova duel diagnosis rehab in Madison WI. Mainly because I will be flying down with my parents and staying with them for the first two weeks. Then I fly home without my parents.
I'll be totally off Suboxone in less than a month, and I know when I get off opiates I always drop into a deep depression. I'll be home alone in house full of guns. I haven't told my parents about my worries, because my mom and dad are so excited. My mom will be making 12,000 dollars in three months. My parents have to pay in 3,000 dollars in taxes before April 15th. They need the money. Their housing will be paid for in Yuma, but here in WI they will still be paying 850 a month in rent. Plus the cable, electric, heat, and their phone bills. Since I will be by myself, I'll have to pay for everyday things, I do have food stamps for food, but cigarettes, gas, phone bill, entertainment, Eleanor's food, and bones, and treats, toilet paper, Shampoo, conditioner, Weight watchers, etc... are all things I'll be paying for out of my 600 some dollars a month.
I'm fucking 28 years old, I should be able to care for myself. What will I do when my parents die? I'm so dependent upon them. I want to ask my dad to stay home. I'm so selfish.