Thursday, February 17, 2011

Selfish

For those of us who live in four season weather, I have an observation. Remember in October when the temps dipped below 50 degrees and we all thought it was so cold out, we put on gloves and a parka to go out side and smoke? After that we suffer through a winter where temps drop to -20 degrees, so when a day like today where the temps are around 45 degrees, it feels warm, and you see people in shorts. No more jackets. I find it so strange how our body's adapt.

News, my parents are leaving for Yuma Arizona March 1st. They will be gone till June 1st.  Most of you know the reason I don't use is because I don't want to hurt my parents. Last time they lived more than 200 miles away from me, I became strung out on Heroin and Dilauded. Now they are going to be 1,000 miles away, and I have no one to answer to.

Last night I had a craving so bad, that I abused my Suboxone. Instead of taking my normal four milligrams, I took 16mgs, and I felt a nice glow. All my worries about relapsing while my parents are gone, faded away.

Another worry I have about my parents leaving, is if I have a manic, or depressive episode who will be there to keep me in check. When I'm in a mania I feel too good to call a doctor on myself, and when I get too depressed I just think about killing myself, and don't want to call a doctor to stop myself form doing what I feel needs to be done to stop the depression.

By the way I cancelled my bed at Nova duel diagnosis rehab in Madison WI. Mainly because I will be flying down with my parents and staying with them for the first two weeks. Then I fly home without my parents.

I'll be totally off Suboxone in less than a month, and I know when I get off opiates I always drop into a deep depression. I'll be home alone in house full of guns. I haven't told my parents about my worries, because my mom and dad are so excited. My mom will be making 12,000 dollars in three months. My parents have to pay in 3,000 dollars in taxes before April 15th. They need the money. Their housing will be paid for in Yuma, but here in WI they will still be paying 850 a month in rent. Plus the cable, electric, heat, and their phone bills. Since I will be by myself, I'll have to pay for everyday things, I do have food stamps for food, but cigarettes, gas, phone bill, entertainment, Eleanor's food, and bones, and treats, toilet paper, Shampoo, conditioner, Weight watchers, etc... are all things I'll be paying for out of my 600 some dollars a month.

I'm fucking 28 years old, I should be able to care for myself. What will I do when my parents die? I'm so dependent upon them. I want to ask my dad to stay home. I'm so selfish.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Anna, I dont know you much
but from what I read
you have progressed so fucking much
dont worry about still be dependent on your parents, you are progressing

but.... dont hurry up
give yourself some time.

Anonymous said...

"I dont know you much"
I dont know you lol

Anonymous said...

shame you cancelled the bed or was it another mis-truth?

Gledwood said...

I agree with Anonymous you've come a long way but why on earth cancel that bed? Can't you reduce from 4mg down to 3.5mg? You shouldn't feel anything.

As you know I'm not "bipolar" because nobody will tell me what I am except off the record (which is "bipolar" ~ annoyingly enough) so what I'm trying to say is when I stopped my meds due to side effects, within 2 or 3 days tops I was already too high to care so I did another week manic or high whatever then crashed. The crash happened between 3pm and 4pm this last Monday and I've been pissed off ever since but it's very hard to put what I feel without sounding childish and I'm just pissed off with the whole issue. I'm being told I'm detoxing and yet nobody at the clinic says this. Taking heroin or bigger doses of methadone does ntothing to take this "withdrawal" away which says it can't be "witdrawal" so I'm pissed off with all of it.

Anyway come by mine there is a special apology to you for my bad behaviour there.

Sorry to go on I genuinely am stoned tonight as I took heroin yesterday as well and I'm going to have to stop or I'll end up with a double habit back.

I was just in such a piss earlier heroin seemed the only option I just don't know what to do to cope. I try and not think I'm "mentally ill" but I had a man come round to help with my housing etc and he will write soething like that on my forms et etc.

I've got to go darling. Please don't vanish again. what the hell did you do to your blog? It vanished for over an hour we all thought you'd canned it

take care darling

Gledwood said...

ps why the fuck did you cancel that bed in the dual diagnosis centre? That's ridiculous because you're so near giving up all together.

I'm sure it's not too late to get your bed back if you just phone them and say you were having a shit day when you cancelled. This might not wash with a normal rehab but dual diagnosis are very understanding and would give exactly what you need.

Please think of going back

xxxxxxxx

;-)

elizabeth said...

Anna, please re-instate the bed for dual diagnosis. That is more important NOW than the two weeks with your parents.

Anonymous said...

anna if u go to dual diagnosis you will have a caring and supportive environment if you do get depressed and your parents will be free to do what they need to do with some enjoyment without having to worry about you. do what you need to do then go live your life babes xx

elle said...

For the love of god, anna, please start using again. I can't stand this blog when you're not using. it's so fucking dull. when you're using, you're interesting. when you're not using, you're just a loser with no purpose.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Talk about selfish. Elle is selfish. I can't believe she said that. Jesus.

Gledwood said...

re the guns: do you even know how to shoot one? make sure the guns and the ammo are both kept locked up, isn't it the law that when the gun owner is away the gun must be kept in a locked cabinet?

it's v difficult to get a gun licence here and guns must be kept locked up at all times

you really ought to tell your dad to lock his guns up say you're worried about intruders say anything just keep you and them separate and bear in mind it's not a very nice way out, you can shoot yourself through the head and still live so get him to get rid or lock up the fucking things please

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Anna,
Your parents must trust you a lot.
I'm not gonna preach anything ,only echo the sentiments of the above.
You still got us so you are not truly alone.
j.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

I hope you will think about un-cancelling (is that a word, haha) the dual-diagnosis place too... I know that I can't tell ya what to do, and I wouldn't want to, because as most of us here know all too well, these are decisions that you have to do because you want to put the effort into them. I just know that you have been through so much shit with "rehab" in other ways, like cold turkey in jail and in more traditional centers, etc... this might be a place where there is something new to be found...
...just my "two cents" :) I will miss your writing so much if/when you go away for 90 days!

Anonymous said...

Will everybody stop begging her to "reinstate" her bed. Odds are, she never had one. And if she did, I'd bet she certainly never planned on going. She threw it out on her blog to appease her readers.

The parent excuse is a handy one. But if that hadn't come along, it would have been that her dog would miss her too much...or Jess wanted another booty call on the day she was supposed to check in. If I've learned anything from reading her blog faithfully, it's that it's always something standing in her way of help.

So with everyone begging her to go, you're only feeding into her madness. I want to see Anna clean as much as anyone, but right now her priority isn't getting clean, it's getting attention. Now, if we stop providing that, maybe she'll decide to actually TRY what she keeps running her mouth about.

Tough love.

Anonymous said...

Pee Pee Face Pee Pee Face

Gledwood said...

Anonymous what you say sounds plausible but I think you're getting her wrong. True she's shit scared of going into that place, that's why she's not going. As for the rest, I don't fucking know. Anna enlighten us.

You'll get loads of attention. ha ha

do you really keep a blog to get attention? i think people who come to your blog actually come to read you, you know i get more hits for a post titled "i nearly grabbed a tiny tit" than for any shit i wrote lately

the tit in question is a blue tit or a great tit which are v small birds and if they put them in pet shops they'd sell out they're so cute, they can perch upside down

obviously the people doing this search are not into ornithology (i only grabbed at the bird bc it was a fledgling baby cheeping at me in the middle of the road, when I tried to catch it the fucker fluttered into the gutter behind a parked van and then my dealer came so i dont know what happened next)

what i dont get anna is that you obviously don't want heroin or dilaudid as i said if you did you'd have it but you don't, you just like the idea of it, so why not drop that suboxone shit, it's really easy i speak from personal experience. if you're only on 4mg you can probably drop a whole mg and not even notice. you could easily come off within a month. bear in mind its an agonist-antagonist so it has that weird 2-way effect, it's not like methadone reduction at all you shouldn't wake up at 4am sweating and hanging out for the clinic to open, none of that shit. i never got right down to zero as i went back on the heroin and the heroin blew me away every day for over a month my tolerance was tiny

what did you actually tell the dual place? can't you just shift dates? i bet you could if you wanted to c'mon man at least if you're off the opiates shit you can say a new chapter is beginning, at present you're dragging out one that's long, miserable and boring. you seem to get very little out of your present situation so why not make a change?

don't you get a buzz out of being shit scared? i used to, but that was before heroin, i have to admit. then i turned from a novelty seeker into someone who was more terrified of change than anyone else i knew. and i only knew other junkies... ukk. it's bad shit, that drugs stuff!

Gledwood said...

for you

http://gledwood2.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-once-saw-newborn-baby-in-acute-heroin.html

end of the world

i reckon her vocal is better than the original

i only chose that tune originally btw bc i liked it, nothing to do with Daisy, just the song

Gledwood said...

Anna how many messages do you want me to leave on one post. I would get Val to say something but she's off her nut on the first unit of double uo globe they got through... your mr kim done GOOD.

anyway: tell the truth is the reason you didn't wanna go dual that you were scared of losing your dex script? adderall/whateverthefuckyoucallit.


that stuff is doing you no good at all. can't you buy it on the street if you want it? i think using it occasionally is going to be way better than using every day

or are you like me: i really have a shit focus only heroin can solve it

in depression it's more like "what's the point" & "what a load of boring shit"... in mania things just make no sense at all, even hypomania i can't follow a movie. i think i do, for the first 15 mins or so but even that i don't grasp. i know this from watching girl interrupted/meet the fockers/young victoria over and over and only after a good 5 or 6 viewings and once i'd come down into shitarse land did i truly grasp any of it. and i knew girl interrupted and the fockers from before

what's the truth about these adderil pills? you yourself said you should not be on them with a bipolar diagnosis they really will not help your mood

let me tell you something i used to use speed (amphetamine sulphate) when i was in one of the 2 worst depressions i've ever been in. these lasted about 2 years each ie i lost 4 years to that misery

point being in depression #1 (early 20s) i used literally anything i could find (which didn't include heroin or coke, it just wasn't the scene i was in) but speed was and it made me feel what i thought was ok and good and i felt i saw things the way they really were, then i fell into comedowns so bad, this was on half a gram to a gram at 5-10% purity ie 50 to 100mg i was so depressed one time i literally could not speak, could not move, for most of the day. at 4:30pm i had to make a phone call to the university. had to. because i'd done no work all term, just been depressed and tried to solve it with drugs. not daily heavy drugtaking, i mean hash and occasional speed, maybe once a month. i could barely get out a sentence on the phone and i wasn't acting or bullshitting this was 100% real i was that incapacitated. a couple of days later i saw my dr bc i absolutely had to to get a medical cert to cover my absences and all i could do, literally, was look at the floor and tell him i was depressed. again no acting, no bullshitting no exaggeration i was truly fucked up, it was a worst ever situation

Gledwood said...

(part 2: section 1 too long)

dexamphetamine is the right-hand molecule of amphetamine sulphate. same thing. i've tried dex and they're a little bit softer feeling than street speed but basically the same shit as we use here (meth is rare here)... if you've got ongoing depression it could well be those pills making you as bad as you are. you'll need to stop them for a good 2 or 3 weeks until you feel any different. better still go to a psychiatrist and be truthful. i really think this stuff is fucking you up and i wouldn't say it so vehemently if i didn't believe it was true

anna you know this: the last thing you want to be taking every single day, attention deficit or not, is SPEED and adderill literally IS speed. not baby-speed like ritalin, real speed.

please for your own sake sort yourself out

sorry to be so direct but the more i think about this, the more it bothers me and it's bothering you. look you're on full-on bipolar meds and you still feel shit, and you're taking something that goes in direct opposition to those meds. does the dr who prescribes all those mood stabilizers, antidepressants etc even know about this speed? i guess not. you know speed drains the very same neurotransmitters antidepressants are meant to restore?

you don't know what you're doing to yourself, neither do i. but your doctors might have a better idea and i bet if your doctor knew he/she would be horrified

please do something. you don't like it when i talk suicidal well i don't like you being on pills that are just fucking you up and making you miserable

as long as you take those tablets you have a drug dependency, they're not in the same category at all as antidepressant, antipsychotic or mood stabilizer. i'm not telling you to give them up, i'm saying you need to take professional advice. PLEASE

Gledwood said...

isn't there some bipolar helpline or a dual diagnosis place you can ring from a mobile that's out of state, call yourself victoria and get them to tell victoria what to do if you're lucky you might even get a doctor to call you back

i know you don't want to give them up, so it's a good compromise to get the advice anonymously, but it needs to be proper, qualified professional advice from someone who knows what they're talking about. they will probably have to find out and call you back so youll need to give a phone number or call back at an agreed time

you need to be honest with someone, you just do, you're jeapordizing your mental health here you need advice

i tell you what i'll ask my dr on thursday what he thinks about dexedrine (as it's called here) and bipolar and i'll get back to you on what he says. i have to be dead careful what i say in there else he'll think my "friend" is ME so i hope you appreciate i'm doing you a massive favour here. please get back to me between now and thursday. i'm sorry if i've pissed you off and i don't mean to scare you but fucking hell anna you call yourself a train wreck and we both have to do what we can

i'm hardly a picture of responsibility. i stopped my antipsychotics on a sunday, asked for advice on monday, got a phone call on tuesday and actually saw the dual diagnosis lady on wednesday. by wednesday i was so manic i just didn't care and i stayed high until the next monday when i crashed and i'm still crashed. i'm going to take the fuckers from tonight because i want to sleep, but i want to change to quetiapine (Seroquel) it sounds way better

i'm pissed off at taking stuff like this, half my family and a lot of my online friends seem to think i'm fantasizing. well they didn't see me go fucking nuts and start yelling AAAAAA GAGAGAAAAAAAABAAAAAAAA at the top of my voice. fuck knows what my housemates think of me now i went absolutely insane, not last week but just before the antipsychotics, i was hearing voices and paranoid and felt like i was turning into an angel and it pisses me off that i post this up and people think i'm only saying it because i want to sound more interesting. THEY wouldn't say it bc they haven't the guts. i already feel totally humiliated and exposed so i may as well go on posting what actually happens, it's just the very worst stuff i cannot put up, you know the type of thoughts you get when manic, the stuff that could really get you in trouble if you actually did it

all this shit is going on and the rational part of me feels lost and desperate and nobody who could help me really is helping they're all too fucking terrified

i'm not asking you to help me, i know you can't. not in any practical way. just as i cannot help you.

this is why we shouldn't meet up. not now. we're both a complete fucking mess, let's be realistic. our problems are not exactly the same but they are very similar. together we would be like an h-bomb. a very impressive, very destructive explosion!

the best way we can help one another is the way we already do, by being friends, even if we are 3,500 miles apart

Gledwood said...

hey anna your comments appeared on mine eventually the spam detector threw them all in the spam box... absolutely no idea why it pisses me off because it makes it look like i did it when i didn't. sometimes i feel like smacking that System in the face... but i'm a nonviolent person so i'd never do that :-)

hope you're feeling ok today, take it easy ;-)

Naomi C. said...

anon
I had a blog for years from 2006 to now on junkylife then my own and hell, i didnt NOT get better or clean because of "all the attention i was getting"
its really not about that. i have the same mental health problems and addiction, its no that you dont want help, sometimes you dont think its going to be right for you- correct or incorrect.

if we all just stop reading and replying it wont change a god damn thing, i can assure you of that. really.

and just to piss you off.... anna PLEASE BOOK ANOTHER BED. PLEASE. do it. like you said, when you stop opiates, depression kicks in, you cant sleep... you need intensive support