Friday, February 11, 2011

Short post. Nothing interesting

This morning I woke not drowsy. Normally I hate the way I feel when I wake up. I've got phlem, my eyes water my nose runs. Then I remember that I'm lonely, and hate the fact that I hate my body. The last part happened today.

I love the thought of underwater. Its so serene, and beautiful under there. I really just want to lie floating, sinking to the bottom of a deep blue ocean. While sweet, soft music plays as I just watch the fish swimming all around me. Someone just lying there sinking next to one and other.

I swear there are no men out there that would ever compare to the man I have in my head. Maybe Robert Pattionson, but him in How to be, not in the Twilight movies.

4 comments:

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I hope you feel better soon Anna.
Is it a cold?
Watching fish swim is very relaxing, I love that too.
take care,

kate said...

Here is a poem you might like. It is by Bill Holm

New Religion
This morning no sound but the loud
breathing of the sea. Suppose that under all that salt water lived the god that humans have spent ten thousand years trawling the heavens for. We caught the wrong metaphor. Real space is wet and underneath, the church of shark and whale and cod. The noise of those vast lungs exhaling: the plain chanting of monkfish choirs. Heaven's not up but down, and hell is to evaporate in air. Salvation, to drown and breathe forever with the sea.

Gledwood said...

i wanna sink to the bottom with you
sink to the bottom with you

put on girl interrupted right this minute it's on my tv 21 mins 37 seconds into it

play it now

i'm watching it for the 3rd time bc i went manic again can't focus

btw they think i'm bipolar
i got told off the record
but the dr doesn't diagnose until 6 months so i hear
i found out i "satisfied" the ICD 10 criteria, which are used here, by having 2 manic episodes in 2 months with 2 depression and 1 hypomania in between that means if i'm bipolar i'm fucked doesn't it

why you never post on this subject? bc you feel depressed darling, i know don't you ever come up? you said you did but that was on that dexedrine stuff you're on that's doing you no good you know that

i mean i get high on tea

i'm not on meds though
they gave me respiradone; the starting dose was 4mg the usual maxes are 8mg bipolar 10mg schizophrenia
the shit disagreed with me bad enough i'd frankly rather be psychotic
i mean my psychosis isn't nasty shit it's funky shit so i'm fine with most of it apart from the paranoia and paranoia voices the other stuff kind of makes me feel more in touch with myself, does that make any sense to you? like when my head breaks up into separate parts so i hear 2 of me thinking, the 2nd one repeats what the 1st one said, that happened to me this afternoon, other times different voices speak every word out loud so i don't think it they say it for me. what's not to like about that? they think i have a good attitude to this shit as it means i'm not letting it get to me. i know psychosis can be really horrible and really frightening i know that it's just mine isn't the maddest i went was when i roared because my head was roaring and i was a roaring noise and nothing existed but this roaring noise so i'm not speaking thinking understanding english any more just this noise that's my total insanity and i never even knew that happened to people so i feel like i travelled to some far off place without reading the brochure
the other shit i knew about because i read that memoir by k redfield jamison and i read some other book about hearing voices because i heard voices back in my early 20s, just not that loud, they only got loud recently

i'm telling you this because you understand, nobody else understands and it makes me lonely come and say just one thing under those nutty posts nobody could say anything to please even a smiley face you don't gotta spend all day thinking some shit up just one little thing please otherwise it will be zero comments and zero is me cuckoo

they didn't like the bipolar one because every single thing they were going to say back to me i pre-empted that i'm hypochondriac, that i think too much, that this that the other it's all yeah yeah yeah and you want to tell me i'm ok i respect that but none of you have actually seen me, everyone who's seen me knows it ain't all all right in Gledwoodsville know what I mean Anna :-)

Anonymous said...

think your not still in acive addiction with suboxne... worse wd I ever been thru.. the longest for sure. Paws.. well this will give you something to write about for sure..

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