Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I was 24 years old, living in Hawaii with my mom. My parents were split up at the time, and my dad lived in Wisconsin. When I moved to Hawaii for the first time four years ago I was amazed at the big tropical city. I had never lived in a city bigger than Green Bay WI. I'd never been to a tropical island.

I lived right down by the beach in Wiakiki. During the day I spent my time at the beach laying out, reading, surfing, snorkeling, and swimming. Once in a while I'd rent a surf board and try to surf, but I never got the hang of it.

I was sent to live with my mom, because I had a bad Heroin and Hydromorphone(Dilauded)habit, and I was wanted in WI for leaving rehab without telling my Parole agent. If I were to get caught in WI I would spend up to a year in prison. I needed help with my drug problem, so I enrolled in the Methadone clinic in Honolulu HI. I didn't do too good on the program, as I was using black tar heroin on top of my Methadone nearly every day, not to mention the four to five 2mg Xanax bars a day. I wasn't on crack, and that was a great thing, because once I start with the crack my life spirals out of control very, very fast.

In Waikiki I lived less than 50 feet from one of the main drags in Waikiki, Khahla st. At night when I wasn't at the bar with my mom singing karaoke, I was sitting across the road from my Apartment watching all the drunk tourist, and the hookers walking their beat. I would watch all the pimps across the street standing in front of Starbucks. All the pimps were black men in bright colored suites and hats. You could tell a hooker from just another woman on the street by the shoes they wore. Hookers always wore clear stripper heals. How they walked from dark to dawn around the block over and over again in those shoes I don't know. Those shoes are painful, like torture.

On night I was sitting on a bench that wraped around a big exotic tree. I was watching the hookers attempt to, and picking up "dates". I wondered how much they made, and where they went to have sex with a john. On the bench next to me was an older black man. He was clean cut, in his 60's. I was wearing a tube top and a mini skirt, and he asked me how much for a date? (back then I was only 120lbs) I was sorta flattered, and sorta disgusted. I told him I wasn't a working girl, and he appoligized. He asked my name, and I told him, I asked him his, and he said Geroge, we shook hands.

We made some small talk, and I noticed he was watching the hookers. Mainly two girls in particular. So I decided to ask him some questions about the hookers. The first question I asked, is how much money does it cost to sleep with one of these women. He told me, it depends on what you do with them. Sex costs from 100 to 200 dollars. A blow job costs from 50 to 80 dollars. Kinky sex cost up to a couple thousand dollars. It also depends on how long you spend with the John. I told him how to tell the working girls by their shoes. He said that's not always true. The cops get hip to that, so some of the girls just wear high heels. I asked how he knew so much, and he didn't say anything. I asked what is the first thing a girl does when she gets in the room. He told me she calls her pimp and tells him wear she's at, and that she has the money in hand. Then she goes about making the guy comfortable. The next question that came to mind is where do they go. Most girls have hotel room in a afordable hotel. The pimp usually pays for it. Girls with the same pimp share rooms. What happens if they both have a trick at the same time. He says that doesn't happen often, and a lot of girls just give blow jobs, and do so in the guys car after she calls her pimp and gets the money.

He asks me if I wanted to try it out? My face turned red, and my heart started beating hard. I said no,  I couldn't. I have money, well my mom has money. I also got 500 a month in welfare. This is how I paid for drugs. Geroge says, " you know your beautiful and could make a good living out here." You just need a pimp for protection, and he'll give you place to live, buy clothes, cars, and anything else your heart desires. I told him I would never have a pimp, if I was going to have sex for money I would keep that money for myself, not give it away to some guy who pretends to love me just to make himself rich. George told me if you want to walk the strip in Waikiki wear all the rich tourists are you have to have a pimp or you'll get robbed and beat up by another girl for her pimp. Pimps don't like competion. He motioned to the black men kitty corner to us.

I began to wonder how Geroge knew so much about this business. Then I thought maybe he's a pimp watching his girls, but why did he ask me for a "date"? I asked him how he knew so much, and Gorge said, I was in the game for a long time. I light a cigarette, and George asked me why I was so interested in the inner workings of a prostiute? I told him I was just curious. Even though in the back of my head I sort of wanted to try it, but I was too scared. I think Geroge saw this in me. He lights a cigar.

Back and forth go the girls walking the beat they know so well. How did these girls get into this? I ask George this question, and he tells me most just need money and don't want to work hard. I think to myself, having sex with a sweaty old man is a lot more work than I want to do. I said, it doesn't seem like easy work. Sleeping with dirty old men. He tells me the girls get to pick who they take back to the room, but your right it mostly men in their forties to fiftes looking to get their dick wet on some new pussy. I go on to ask, what else do the pimps do? He said, they take care of the women. Most guys have at least two girls who work for them. He also keeps them as girlfriends. He fucks them, and gets them to fall in love with him. He buys them everything they want, as long as they are bringing in the money. He bails the girls out of jail when they pick up a under cover vice cop. Sometimes he has to have a heavy hand and hits the girls if they get out of line. He's got to manage all this and keep the girls inlove with him, so they don't turn him into the cops when they get picked up. He's their lover, their father, their protecter, in short he's everything to them. Thats why it takes a smooth talker to become a pimp, and he has to have that thing that keeps the girls from going to a diffrent pimp. Some pimps are gorrila pimps and beat the shit out of the girls to keep them in line.

While we talk I go thru a half pack of cigarettes. I was getting ready to go home, and George pulls my arm to sit down again. Then he tells me he is a pimp, he's been a pimp sice the 70's. He's got four girls, good looking ones. I think to myself thats why the girls smiled at him when they passed, normally they don't look at anyone in particular unless they are trying to get a "date".  Geroge tells me I would make a good working girl. He tells me he has some extasy on him, and if I wanted to I could have it, if I would walk to track. He tells me the X makes it easier. He tells me I can't start out in the high class area. We would have to go down to China town where the crack whores, and druggie prositutes work.

I think to myself, its only 10:00pm, and I have all night. My mom's at work and won't be home until seven am. I jump up and say yes, I'll do it. My heart pounding out of chest, and my mind racing. He walks me to the parking garage and we walk up to a Cadilac Escalade. Of course its all pimped out. He looks in the back, and finds me a dress to wear. It was a white pleather dress, with underwire sowen in, which made my boobs look huge. He told me take off my underwear, and put these wipes in my purse to clean up after the sex. He hands me the X, and I take it. We drive the 10 minute drive to a back street right outside of China town, behind a park where there were a lot of homeless sleeping. I see a bunch girls, none of them as pretty as the girls in Waikiki. I see men pulling up to the girls in their cars, and girls getting in. The X hasn't kicked in yet, and I'm stressed out. Worried I'll do something wrong, or get raped, or even killed.

Geroge gives me his cell phone number, and tells he will drive back and forth between here and Waikiki so he can keep an eye on all his girls. I found it ridiculas he considered me one of his girls. He then tells me for his protection I have to give him half of what I make. Before I get out of the car I check my makeup. I tell George I'm just trying this. He says, thats what they all say. Then he pulls out about ten condoms and hands them to me. Then I see him put the car into drive, and he pulls away. All the other hookers are in groups. So at first I stand there just waiting for a car to pull over. I see this one car come around the block five or six times. I smile at him, and he stops. He asks if I will have a threesome with him and his wife. I say no, I don't do threesomes. Then an old man stops, and wants a blow job, but is only willing to pay me 20 bucks. I refuse. The thrid guy to stop is young and handsome. He has a sorta nice car, a newer Honda. He wants sex, I ask if he's a cop, he says no. I tell him I want 200 dollars, and he pulls out his wallett and shows me he has five hundered dollars in it. My voice is shaking the whole while I talk to him. I get in the car, call the cell phone number Geroge gave me, and I tell him I picked up a guy, and I told him wear we were going to park. The John gives me my 200 dollars.

We pulled up behind a school, and I tell him this is the first time I've ever done this. I'm sure that's what all the girls say, and immediately feel stupid. When we park, I look out the review mirror and see a bunch of guys in ski masks rushing towards the car. I panic and get out of the car and run. Suddenly I hear stop, HPD(Hawaii police department). I stop in my tracks, not wanting to get a fleeing an officer  with my prositution violation. I start to cry, and the police hand cuff me. By this time the X is kicking in. The only thing keeping me from going berzerk. The first thing I think about, is what if my parents find out. They will always look down on me. My dad will be so disapointed in me, and blame himself. My mom will just freak out.

The police put me in the back of a van, and ask me if I'm on drugs. I say no...lying. Then they take my purse, but my purse has a zipper on it, and its zipped. In Hawaii the police have to have a warrent to look through your purse if its not open. I offer them my purse and tell them to look through it, I don't have any drugs, and I'm not lying about who I am. The cops keep their ski masks on the whole while. I'm sobbing, but laughing at the same time. The cushion on the seat of the van feels really soft to me. Damn extasy. The cops have me give them back the 200 dollars, and make sure its the  two, one hundered marked dollar bills the cop gave me when he picked me up. I calm down when I remember Geroge told me that pimps bail them out of jail.

After they read me my rights and tell my why I'm being arrested, they drive off to bring me to jail. The whole while I was in the car with cops, they ask me who my pimp is, and if I work with them to get him, they will take this charge off my record. For some stupid reason I didn't do this. I expected him to bail me out of jail. By now it was 1am. We get to the jail, and I go through processing, and finally they let me have my phone call around 2am. I call the number Geroge gave me, and he answers and tells me he will be right there to get me out. Then I'm brought to my cell, and my high is wearing off, and I'm really tired and have a crying head ache. So lay down and cover up, thinking George will be here soon. Two hours pass and no George. I start to worry. There is nothing I can do now, so I fall asleep.

The next morning I'm still there in jail. Geroge must have thought I was going to turn him in either that or he's just a fucking asshole. Turns me out, and expects me give him half my money after I did all the dirty work. Everything seemed diffrent in the morning. I couldn't belive I did this. Breakfast comes, and they tell us as in all of us who were picked up last night for prositution are to get ready for court. I don't eat my beakfast. Couldn't if I wanted to. I'm worried that because I have a warrent in WI they won't let me out of jail here, or they will extridite me back to Wisconsin. Two officers walk the three of us hookers, one a transvestite, a pretty one, to the holding cell you wait in before court. I wait there a half hour, when my name is called. I think its my turn for court. Instead its the public defender. He asks me what I want to plea. I say not guilty. He says you should plead guilty and get out of here right away, and if you pay your fine this will be off your recored in a year. I go back into the holding cell, and talk to other hookers about how they got caught. Each one of us was picked up by an undercover. It just so happened that, that night they were cracking down on prositution by the park.

Then I hear my name again, and am brought out and walk into court wearing this tight white pleather dress, and high heels. My hair is a mess, and eye liner streaked under my eyes. My public defender does all the talking, I just plead guilty. My lawyer is trying to get me just a fine, but the judge sees I have an outstanding warrent in Wisconsin. The judge orders me to 6 months probation, and 300 dollars in fines. It took all of ten minutes in the court room, and I was brought to discharge. They handed me my purse, and walked me out. 

I swore to myself that I would never do that again, but two weeks after that I try it again. Just down a diffrent road with a diffrent pimp. I get caught again, but this time the pimp is watching me, and me and cops make a deal that I hand him the money and say it was for sex, then they will let me go that night, and it won't be on my record at all. So I hand the pimp the money, and a swarm of ski mask wearing cops push him to the ground and hand cuff him. He has no idea I set him up, and tells me to run. I run to where the cop told me to, and jump in his SUV. I go to the jail and fill out a police report. The cops take their masks off in front of me, and even buy me some burger king. I feel icky. I hate to do this to someone.

When its all over with, I think someone in heaven was watching out for me, and didn't want me to have sex for money. The two times I tried I picked up an undercover cop. What are the odds?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I'd rather be dead than cool

Its a spring winter wonderland outside here in Wisconsin. We got a foot of snow, it snowed all day Tuesday and all day Wenesday. Twenty four hours straight. I was so sad to see all the grass and pavement cover with snow again. It was just a few days ago it was so warm I was able to talk Eleanor on long walks. Eleanor won't walk in the snow. I have to carry her. She just poops and pees and is done. Right back in the house.

I did get those Oxy 80mgs. Five of them for 100 bucks. I used half of one pill, and got so loaded I scratched till I bled. I also puked nearing ten times. I was a pitifull excuse for a person. My tolerance is a lot lower than I had estimated. Thank god the only person to see me was me and poor Elle. I did reach my goal of getting so high I couldn't stand up. Stupid goal. It wasn't any fun. The only thing I did enjoy is it took away all my anxiety, and lonelyness. I doubt I'll do it again. It kept me from going to the gym, and lately I like the high I get from working out better than the high I get from opiates.

One commenter said, I have a addictive personality. This is true, the commenter also said I should focus my addictive personality on exersize and diet and I wouldn't be so self destructive. BTW, I think I have lice. This is something that got me thinking. The exersize thing, not the lice thing. I would love to become a water aerobics instructor. I would get to spend three hours every three days in the pool working out. I don't know how to spell this machine I work out on, I'm going to try to spell it, eliptical machine. I like the eliptical machine better than the treadmill because it makes me go faster. It hurts my calves less. For some reason on the treadmill I always get cramps in my calves.

For some reason I keep clenching my jaw really tight, and I have to consiously think about unclenching it to stop myself. Its been giving me a tension headache. I'm also reading a book called genius and Heroin, its about all the artistic geniuses who used Heroin, and other drugs, inclueding drink.

Now I'm going to read other peoples blogs. All of them better writers than I am. I just can't do prose. I can't do poetry. The one thing I love to do and I suck at it. Maybe I was just ment to be a burnt out junkie.

I'm leaving you with another Violent Soho song.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Make any room a TV room

I'm up and at 'em. I have something to look forward to today. My friend ***** has promised me some Oxycontin 80mgs. 5 for 100 bucks. I know its outrageous, but I'm bored out of mind. Who knows she might not even answer her phone when I call back at noon. She might keep the pills for herself.

I'm watching a show on John Dillinger. Those of you over seas, John Dillinger was a famous bank robber in the Midwest of USA, in the 1930s. He was like our Robin Hood. The asshole FBI agent who killed Dillinger is now dead too. The show also talks about Al Capone, Bonnie and Clyde, Baby Face Nelson. All famous bank robbers. Well Al Capone was a boot Leger, and had an empire built in old time gangster way. The Mafia, is something we Amercians find fascinating.

Is there Mafias over seas? Not gangs like the Crypts, or the Bloods, or Latin Kings, those are just gangs that are made of people in the ghettos. People who never knew a father, had a hooker for a mom, and couldn't make it on their own, so they kill people for just walking on the wrong side of the street. Those gangs suck.

For the past week its been warm out, and all the snow melted away, but today we are suppose to get 5 to 10 inches of snow. Sorry I don't know the metric system. There is no getting around it, I'm stupid.

You know what else Americans are obsessed with? JFK assassination by Lee Harvey Oswald. Many people suspect the Mafia killed JFK because he made a deal with them, and then backed out. Also there is a theory that the CIA killed him. JFK was our President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

Oh fuck, its snowing out already. It was suppose to start later today towards the evening.

You know I'm surprised that President Obama hasn't had any assignation attempts. Him being our first black president and all the racists in America.  Sorry guys my spell check isn't working. My spelling is horrid.

Sorry I'm all over the place, my mind is just racing. I woke up screaming I love you to my dog Eleanor. What a good dog she is.

I'm worried that when I send my dad's pills down to him in Yuma he'll notice that I had my hands in them? God damn it. I hate worrying about this shit.

Yesterday I such bad cravings for dope, it was unbelievable. I suffered all day long. I woke up today and thankfully it is out of mind. I'm not thinking about it obsessively anymore. If I get the Oxy's oh well, if I don't oh well. I'll live either way.

To find a person who had dope I had to go to the Jackie Nitche rehab center where I was a patient a couple of years ago, and I asked around the smoke shack who knew who was holding anything. I live about four blocks away from the rehab center, and I walk right past it everyday when I buy my smokes. Yesterday I was craving so bad I stopped there, and asked who knows who's got the dope. Turns out someone who knew ***** was there, and gave me her new phone number.

I'm leaving with a not so well known song. Muscle Junkie, by Violent Soho.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

H-E-R-I-O-N I'm gonna try to nullify my life.

I'm so sad, so depressed. I never have anything to say. My life is one boring ass life. I'm really considering using dope again. If I can find anyone who sells the shit around here. I no longer have a car to drive down to Chicago to buy some. My parents car is shit.  At least I would have something to look forward to every few days. Although I have used some pain pills in the past few days, and I get a little buzz from them, but nothing like almost ODing on H. Like in that movie about Kurt Cobain's last days, movies is call Last Days. It shows an actor almost ODing on Heroin, barely capable of walking, nodding out everywhere.

Don't worry I highly doubt I'll find any Heroin. Anyone who lives in Green Bay and know someone selling good dope call me. 920-660-5231. I probably won't trust you, but just tell me who to call to get something. Like this would ever happen.

Why you ask would I want to start up an addiction again? Well the answer is simple, I'm defined by my addiction. Everyone in my family knows me as the one who used Heroin and put needles in her arms, hands, legs, and feet. They probably just think arms. Non addicts usually don't know all the places to shoot dope. Neck too. Veins in the boobs. I once saw a guy shoot it in his penis. Of course this time around I would only use every 48 hours to keep from getting hooked again. That would leave me something to look forward to, plus keep my tolerance low.

Its dangerous using alone, and I'm always alone. I used to have a boyfriend, or a dope friend who would be with me. Not that I never used alone, but I tried not to.

I wish when I blogged it was like HeroinHeads blog. Beautiful, poetic, interesting. Is that a complete sentence. I wish all my posts were like Shakespeare's sonnets. Instead I write about a fucking bunch of shit. This is all pure fucking dung.

I lost 3.2 pounds this week. Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Yep.

I've gotta go.                   Heroin by the Velvet underground. LOVE YOU LOU! For my fellow addict in recovery Gledwood.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The needle tears a hole. The old familar sting.

The sun is out, and the air temp is 55 degrees F. I look out the patio window into the parking lot and wish we lived on the other side of the building either facing the river or Washington st. I'm sick of looking at pavement, and rickety old cars, with spots of snow everywhere. At least the grass is showing in most spots. I put a chair in front of the patio doors, so I can just open the door sit down and smoke my cigarettes. I would go out on the patio, but its all wet from melting snow on the patio's above me.

I'm reading the Girl with the Dragon Tatoo, and I'm about a 100 pages in, and the book sucks. I don't  know what everyone sees in this shit. Too much detail, just like Steven King. I could never read his books. I once read part of one of Steven Kings books, and he described shoe laces and took up a full paragrah to describe these damn shoe laces. Needless to say, I'm shopping for another Ebook. I'm waiting for the edit of my book to be done. I had to make revisions last month, and it set back the date my book will be available for purchase on my blog, and on The book is called I Hate Myself and Want to Die. Its about Heroin addiction and suicide. If you want to read excerpts go back in my blog to Dec. of last year. I have to thank once again BMelonsandLemonade for helping make the book readable. She gave me priceless advice I dearly needed.

Home alone again, and waking up to Televison. My only socialization. Not totally true, yesterday I went to water aerobics yesterday with my aunt Debbie, and talked to my parents on the phone. Since its so warm out today I'm not going to the gym, I'm going to take Eleanor for a long walk.

My mood is manic, I'm doing the best I've done on weight watchers this week, why I told you that I don't know.

Yesterday I got a call from my Dr. My acutal Dr. called me and said he was worried about me, so he wants me to come into his office tomorrow at 8:15 am. He's afraid I'm going to fall off the edge of happiness into the abyss of depression. I'm worried about it too. I know when I get really depressed I attempt suicide almost on a lark. Like I don't care if I live or die. Right now its great to be alive. Its sunny and warm. I have my lovely dog, and this blog. I'm going on vacation in April for two weeks, or longer. Hopefully my Doctor won't put kabosh on that. If he thinks I'm too manic I could end up in Brown County Mental Hospital yet again. It would be my seventh time there.

My doctor took me off Aderal, but I'm still manic from it. Its like my brain has never come down from a speed high. Which would explain all the cleaning I do. I painted my finger nails red. Well I have nothing left to say, so I'll say good bye, and I'm going to go e shopping for another book.

Much love to all you who read this.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Do You think I post about you too much, too you too much?

Gleds, I want my own personal brand of Heroin. I can't get my hands on any over here, will you help me and send me some? I know you won't, and I shouldn't have asked you in front of every single person who reads this blog. When I first saw the twilight movie, and he said, "your like my own personal brand of Heroin" I was like, fuck him, I want the Heroin. He is hot though. Those damn Brits hotter than hot. Just the bad teeth. Why don't you guys have flouride in your drinking water like we do? I shouldn't talk I need a lot of cavities filled. And I should get my teeth whitened.

Just some words, non of it wisdom

I haven't spoken a word to another human being in two full days. My parents didn't call over the weekend, and I didn't call them. I think that both Eleanor and I are depressed. All I do is clean, even if everything is clean, I clean it again. I go to the gym and go to the movie theater with all the treadmills in it, and I work out in there, where no-one talks to you.

I've been off of Suboxone for almost a month or more, and I'm craving me some opiates. Just to get high once would be nice. Take some of the sadness away. I'm working really hard on my Weight Watchers program.

On Friday my mom called and told me that she and my father both got memberships to Golds gym too. At least when I go back out to Yuma AZ, in April I will be able to work out at the gym. Oh yes, this reminds me, there is free tanning at Golds gym, and I went in for ten minutes, and I'm sunburned. Of course my face didn't get any color, just radiation, more wrinkles. I just wanted a base tan for when I go out to AZ.

I guess you guys want to know how much I weigh, I'm 5"7 and 215.  One person got it close, but thought I was 5"5 and 215. Oh yes, and this week I went up three pounds. I think its because I have my period. I know eeww gross.

Since me and Elle are alone so often, she lays by the door and waits for mom or dad to walk in. If I say out loud, MOM or DAD, she goes nuts.

Daylight savings happened on Saturday night. We sprang forward. So instead of getting up at 6am I now get up at 7am. That Methadone schedule really tuned in my internal alarm clock. I guess going to dose before nine thirty am every day except for Sundays has made me an older person. You know because older people get up early and go to bed early.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Look at this photo and guess my weight

I'm just curious, how much do you people think I weigh? Somebody by the name of B said I should not shove food in mouth, and was embarrassed to have commented, he also said I was trash. From my photos do I look really fat?

I know I'm fat, but morbidly obese?

I wonder what it would be like to get a lobotomy. No I don't want one, yet all the emotional parts of the brain are in the frontal lobes, scramble those up and what kind of emotions does  one have, if any at all?

Fish, pain, tits

So I'm home alone. Just me and Elle. Yesterday I joined Golds Gym, and today I worked out with a personal trainer. He worked me hard. He had just gotten back from Hawaii for his honeymoon. I would have did him. He was pressuring me into buying a personal trainer for a year, at 216 a month. I can't afford that. Unless you guys start donateing money on my paypal account. Like that will ever happen.

I have to change what it says up there in my donate button area. I should just tell people they will be helping me out with my weight loss issues. I could never be anorexic, I love candy too much. I'm still 12 points negative. Jesus fuck if I gain again I'm gonna be devastate. When my mom was around and on Weight Watchers with me, she did the shopping and bought all good things. Now I'm alone and buying groceries is a big deal, because I have to buy healthy food. Lean Pork chops, a vegetable, etc. I've made some smoothies with all fruit. Fruit is zero points.  Oh God, can you tell I have nothing to talk about.

My aunt Debbie stopped in and had two cups of coffee, so I had some socialization. I imagine I'll blog a lot more often now that I'm alone. No, my blogs won't be fascinating. I don't need socialization, I have cable, and movies on demand. I have my journal where I write down my every weird or mundane thought. An example of my weird thoughts, is fish and paint are a lot alike, both don't like paint thinner, both smell funny, both are slippery, they come in all different colors. Mundane thoughts, are all the above.

My boobs are going to be saggy when I loose weight. Right now they are huge, and perky, but I imagine there is a lot of fat in them, and as soon as I loose 20lbs I will loose that fat in there, and boom they sag to my belly button. Gross. I'm only 28 yrs old.

Hey, those of you who read my blog and make over 50,000 a year, donate your money to me. I'm a good cause. Right? 2 to 5 bucks would do the trick. I know most of my readers are just like me, broke.

The best Beatles song my opinon.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This is my 403rd post. I suck at writing. I'm embarrassed of my book. I'm negative 27 points on my weight watchers points plus. I'm doing a lot of working out to make up those points. I have only one reader now... a shout out to Gledwood.

I lost a lot of readers when I lied about my relapse. Now if I ever do relapse no body will believe me. It sure as hell would make this blog a lot more interesting.

I flew back last night. I'm back in Wisconsin, and I come back in a snow storm. FUCK ME! Me and Eleanor are just getting used to being alone. I have to go see my shrink tomorrow about my melt down in Yuma AZ. Oh fuck, my life is so not interesting. I don't even know why I blog. Like anyone out there gives a flying fuck what I did today or any other day. Unless that is I got real high. Then people would be commenting how horrible I am.

Not being on Heroin, Methadone, or Suboxone is strange. I want to get high in the worst way. Now that my parents are gone I could use and nobody would know the difference. The reason I don't use is because mainly I don't want to hurt my parents. Second I don't want to go back to jail. Fuck me I want to move to
Amsterdam. It may not be legal, but at least its decriminalized. I wish I could go back to when I started using and get that euphoric feeling from taking one 5mg Percocet. Now it takes me 10 to feel nothing. All I'm doing is hurting my liver.

I'm going back to Yuma AZ April 8th with my aunt  Debbie. We are going to spend at least 10 days out there. I only bought a one way ticket. I plan on buying a one way ticket home.

To everyone or those few of you who still read this blog. Its not that I don't want you to read my blog, but dude there has to be something much more interesting out there. I haven't been fucked in 3 months. God save the queen. Rolling Stones, my favorite song by them.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Masturbation never loses its fun

Gledwood I found a new blog you might like. Its not about Heroin, but its interesting. Good writing.

I only have a few more days in Yuma and then I go back to Wisconsin alone. Oh my god, I'm 28 and afraid to live alone. I've lived alone before, but I had lots of friends stopping in all the time. Now I have no friends. My aunt Debbie comes by for our swimming work out, and our weight watchers meeting Saturday morning. Otherwise its just me and Eleanor.

I'll tell you one thing, there will be a lot more masturbation. When I loose enough weight I'll give Jess an Email and ask him if he wants to hook up for a night of pleasure.

There isn't a lot to do in Yuma. Sit by the pool and people think I'm crazy because to them its cool outside. Hey man I'm coming from 30 degree weather. 70 degrees is like a sizzling hot day.

LA was neato. Its so different from NYC or Chicago. Its like Honolulu, but more highways. Not as nice beaches. NO offence to anyone in Cali.

 I went to an emergency shrink doctor appointment, because I was having such drastic mood swings. I called my shrink first, and he told me to see someone here in Yuma, and get samples of medication. I got Abilify, and Ambien. When I get home I'm suppose to see him asap.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Don't know what it means.

Went to a Weight Watchers meeting here in Yuma, and for the past two weeks I've gone down 4.2  pounds each week, but today I went up 2lbs. I know what I did wrong, I didn't track my points, and had pizza for two nights in a row. Then I had Burger King, and two Tenderloin Steak Sandwiches.  I am so disappointed. I also didn't work out this week. Normally on Tuesdays I do water aerobics, and I walk on the treadmill for 30 mins three times a week. Since I'm on vacation I just let it slide. No more of that. There is a pool here and I can do my water H2O combo in the pool. It is a little cool here in Yuma, its only 70 degrees, so a little chilly to hop into the pool. Still they have a treadmill. I love the weather here, compared to the 30 degree weather in Wisconsin. Nothing to complain about. Eleanor needs walking at least three times a day.

When I come back to Wisconsin next week, I can go back to the YWCA and do my water work outs, and teadmill, and walking Eleanor. I'll use my food stamps for smart ones that have the points according to Weight watchers points value system right on the box. They also have desserts. Yummy.

Lately I have a lot to write down in my journal on my vacation. Tomorrow we are driving to the City of Angles. LA!! Movie stars, the stars on the sidewalk in Hollywood. See if my feet fit Katy Bates feet. LOL!

I'm so amazing. I'm off Suboxone, and only taking one Clonazepam at night. Not taking my Adderal. I called my Physc doctor from here to tell him about my mood swings. He says its probably due to the sudden stop of the Suboxone. Although he wants to put me back on Depacote( spellings wrong, but where isn't it, my spell checking isn't working.)

I'll be coming back to Yuma April 3rd. Using my own money for a three week vacation. My parents are really happy here. My mom is even talking about going back to Hawaii next winter. Perhaps even this summer, and spend the year there. I plan on being 110 pounds when I leave for Hawaii next winter. I'm not even going to say how much there is to loose before I reach the goal.

I'm so glad I'm not in a snowy, cloudy, cold place like Wisconsin right now. I'm just afraid Elle is going to be bit by a rattle snake. Or that I will.

A song for Gledwood. My best Friend who lives thousands of miles from me. I hope your happy, and I hope you have the kids for dinner. Just kidding. Nature is a whore. Bruises on the Fruit. He likes all are pretty songs and he likes to sing along, but he don't know what it means. Lots of love from America to Gledwood.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Miss Misery

Dear Gledwood,

I'm in Yuma Arizona with my parents. I'm without Suboxone, and I've become a raving lunatic. I'm so manic that I through myself on the floor of Wal Mart and screamed that I wanted to go back to the apartment. Since then I've herd voices comming from walls. It seems everyone is out to get me. I feel people watching me every time I take the bus. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I vomit all the time.

Gledwood has been telling me to tell my story over again, because its not just my regular visitors, but there are people who just pass by and read one of my blogs which makes no sense to them. So I'm going to tell my story.

I'm a 28 year old women, who fell into opiate addiction at the age of 17. I started with Percocets which my dad had, from there he got prescribed Oxycontin, and I fell in love with the feeling it gave me. Or really the absence of feeling it gave me. By the age of 19 I was in deep. I was addicted to Oxycontin. From there I met two brothers with AIDS, and they had Dilauded. I began shooting up when I was 20 years old. From the time I hit the needle I was a junky. I was stealing, lying, shoplifting, on probation for writing out a Hydromorphone prescripion aka Dilauded to myself. Prescription fraud. I ended up in rehab for the second time after my PO caught me using IV coke. (not the soda) I was also smoking crack. Shooting up speedballs. I took off from my rehab in the middle of the night, and left for Hawaii.

In Hawaii I was introduced to Black tar Heroin. I was used to powdered white Heroin back in Wisconsin. Often called China White. I found that Black tar was a creeper drug. Unlike China White or Venom it didn't hit you as soon as you untied the tournique. It took a few minutes for the inital hit of wonderful under water floating feeling.

Since I was twenty I would have these weeks were I was on top of the mountin, I felt like Charlie Sheen is acting right now. Then I would fall off the edge and end up in a deep depression. I attempted suicide numourous times and never got it right. When in these depressions I would load up a syringe full of Heroin and hope that I wouldn't wake up. I always did. I ended up in nut houses. I got all types of diagnosises, but it wasn't until they put me on mood stabliezers that I found my mood swings stopped, they also stopped when I was high, but when I was sick from junk I would become manic, or depressed. Finally after one of my attempts I was diagnosised Bi Polar. I felt like it was the end of the world for me. Here I was damaged goods. Not just one mental illness, but an addiction to complete the bag. It took years for me to get on the right meds to stop the mood swings. I started Methadone treatment, and it worked really good for me for a while. It stopped the modd swings all togetheher. On the other hand it made me fat. I craved candy all the time. In all reality now that I'm on Suboxone, well now off of Suboxone I feel the mood swings starting up again. I'm scared I don't want to attempt suicide now, I want to just end it all.

Fuck this, I can't write like I used to. I can't put into words to accuractly describe what I went through. My grandfathers suicide my babysitters suicide, both of witch I was in direct contact with. I suggegest if your first reading this blog, that you go back and read my old posts. I assure it may not be the best blog of all time, but it is entertaing. There was the time I was obsessed with Jess. The time when I began abusing Xanax with my Methadone.

Right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to be writing. I'm not too introspective. I'm not too preceptive. I still have my daily diary that I keep with me all the time, writing in it everyday. No matter how mundane the day is, which is all my days.

I find this song describes me.