Sunday, March 20, 2011

H-E-R-I-O-N I'm gonna try to nullify my life.

I'm so sad, so depressed. I never have anything to say. My life is one boring ass life. I'm really considering using dope again. If I can find anyone who sells the shit around here. I no longer have a car to drive down to Chicago to buy some. My parents car is shit.  At least I would have something to look forward to every few days. Although I have used some pain pills in the past few days, and I get a little buzz from them, but nothing like almost ODing on H. Like in that movie about Kurt Cobain's last days, movies is call Last Days. It shows an actor almost ODing on Heroin, barely capable of walking, nodding out everywhere.

Don't worry I highly doubt I'll find any Heroin. Anyone who lives in Green Bay and know someone selling good dope call me. 920-660-5231. I probably won't trust you, but just tell me who to call to get something. Like this would ever happen.

Why you ask would I want to start up an addiction again? Well the answer is simple, I'm defined by my addiction. Everyone in my family knows me as the one who used Heroin and put needles in her arms, hands, legs, and feet. They probably just think arms. Non addicts usually don't know all the places to shoot dope. Neck too. Veins in the boobs. I once saw a guy shoot it in his penis. Of course this time around I would only use every 48 hours to keep from getting hooked again. That would leave me something to look forward to, plus keep my tolerance low.

Its dangerous using alone, and I'm always alone. I used to have a boyfriend, or a dope friend who would be with me. Not that I never used alone, but I tried not to.

I wish when I blogged it was like HeroinHeads blog. Beautiful, poetic, interesting. Is that a complete sentence. I wish all my posts were like Shakespeare's sonnets. Instead I write about a fucking bunch of shit. This is all pure fucking dung.

I lost 3.2 pounds this week. Whaaaaaaaaaaat? Yep.

I've gotta go.                   Heroin by the Velvet underground. LOVE YOU LOU! For my fellow addict in recovery Gledwood.


Gledwood said...

THAT is the film I was talking about ages ago! I'm glad you say whats what. The way that film portrays heroin is dangerous, making people think it is "supposed" to put you in a state like that. I've been like that more times than I remember and that's the point; I've forgotten. I remember waking up once mid fall. I literally fell like a felled tree and woke up just before I hit the ground. Now I had done that before and found it hard to believe the person who told me what I'd done, except that she went NUTS when I knocked a bottle of shampoo into the bath the next week thinking I had ODd again. I told her I was a heroin addict, told her and she still let me stay in her house for over 2 years.

I used to come in freezing cold and wet from a night begging and hit up the gear and WHOOSH I remember all the bad feelings going away. It doesnt do that to me any more. Perhpas it is the methadone I don't know. I'm just too old and too tired.

Don't bother with more of that Veonom it's well named stuff. Ours is just called B whatever type whatever batch it's always B. There's no Superman, Batman, Powder, BOOM!, Sickdust or anything like that just B B B for brown. Even when its white you'd just say light coloured B or "light dark" ("dark" eans heroin; "light" means crack) the kids shotting it out (as in dealing shotting not hitting up) the little shits dealing know nothing about their product except that it costs X and they sell it for Y. Thats all.

I was with a drug addict earlier on an old acquaintance of mine but it wasn't as much fun as it used to be he is funny but the drugs werent fun. I drank too much and was laughing my head off.

You're doing the right thing by going swimming etc. I looked up the Royal College of Psychiatrists' website & they say do 20 mins exercise that doubles the heart rate x3 per week and it'll raise mood, so that's what I'm into. Swimming. Walking, even.

Try using the nondruggy method, that's what I'm into trying. I also found walking brought on mania when I had it to bring out it raised my mood even then, which is why I wanted to try manic swimming. To go nuts in the swimming pool!

Take care xx

ps i love the beatles' lsd song, i have to wait half an hour to play velvet underground, my broadband is blocked till midnight for videos

Valerie said...

Anna Babe no wonder you're depressed. Moping over this miseralbe Gledwood like that. Honestly stop talking about 'im and cheer up that's what I say.

Well all is quiet here in the leafy suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. Bruce is trundling round the garden on that lawnmower, naked as the day he was born. He is high on crack, surprise surprise. The little shits (our kids) are speaking fluent Chinese in their house next door. I'm sitting on the back step with a crack pipe and a double gin and tonic letting my blue diamond flash in the early morning light.

Thank God for China White to pay for all this!

Your Mr Kim has now transformed 500kg of nasty brown into high grade Double UO Globe brand heroin. You never know that might end up as "Venom" I'm never sure what happens to our American supplies, not having much to do with that market.

What am I saying. Having nearly been shot dead last time I was in Chicago I ain't going back in a hurry. And they say Al Capone is dead! That fucker Golden who deals to your area is dead meat. He ripped me off for 30kg last time I had dealings with him. Said my Rabbit brand (which he specifically asked for) was "below expected standards" (he's very posh for a drug dealer, this Golden).

Now Anna baby are you really doing aerobics underwater? Doesn't this cause problems with the old Breathing? Just asking.

Also is it true you actually have treadmills down the movie house?

O shit I must go darling. The little brats are screaming already. Momma gotta drive them to school. For that I need a fucking pipe or two. Gets me in the mood for the road, know what I mean?

Anyway you take care of your gorgeous self baby. I gotta get out of here.

Peace n Lurve. PS I love your heroin tune. Unlike your Gledwood I pay for Premium Broadband I can see the fucking thing any time of day!

Anna Grace said...

Thanks Valarie for cheering me up. I was in one low mood, and hearing of your hubby on that lawnmower nude as the day is long firing up that crack pipe made my night.

Your so wonderfully funny. Much Love darling!!


Gledwood said...

Hi Anna got your message. I don't want you turning into an addict thats why i say don't use. Yeah I suppose that is hypocrisy. But doncha find drug addiction is THEE most hypocrisy ridden field of all. Full of people saying one thing then doing another. Including the drug workers who drink then tell you not to... the whole thing!

PS will you send me a bag of venom down?

PPS i didn't use today and i had money i don't want to be bothered with it it's too depressing and as you say i'm on methadone

Anonymous said...

You're right. Your blog is a boring ass blog now that you're not using. Us clean folk like to live vicAriously through you when you talk about something that we'd never touch. If you don't plan on at least lying about using, you should shut down the blog.

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, I am going to tell you from experience...that attempting to use every 48 hours as to avoid addiction never really works. It is GREAT in theory. I used to also say if I had just half as much time on, as off...I could avoid addiction. For instance if I used for a day, I would take two days off. If I used for two days, I would take four off. And never, ever use for three days straight...and I thought I could avoid addiction. And it does work at first. But, it always ends the same way. Each and every time. I did notice, over time, that my times in addiction became fewer and farther between. And I will also say, that most addicts have to figure this out for themselves, anyway. I know I did. And believe me, I tried every way to still use and not get hooked again. I finally realized, it ALWAYS ends the same. Unfortunately. Or fortunately...depending on how you look at it. I look at it very differently with five years clean.

Also, I cracked up when I read the paragraph about your family, what they think about you...and needles. I do not usually laugh out loud when I read stuff, but when you name all the places you shot up, and then you revert back to say something like 'they probably only thought I shot in the arms...' Well...that was some funny shit.

And will find your own voice, Anna. Heroinhead has his own voice, I have my own voice, as writers, we all have our own voices. But, we have to figure out what that voice is. And we do this two ways. 1. We Write. 2. We read, and we make note of writers we like. We try different styles, emmulating things we like. And we read some more.

A good writer WRITES EVERYDAY. A good writer also reads voraciously. Read for content, as well as style. Watch how other writers use things like rhythm, metaphors, alliteration, repetition, etc....Read your writing out loud. See how it sounds when you read it out loud. Sometimes, it sounds one way in your head, but when you read it out sounds very different than you imagined. This is where you will hear redundancy, or notice if you cuss alot, or hear a great flow...that sounds like poetry. Do you write poetry? I use it as a warm up exercize alot, where it just sort of bleeds from me, flowing as it comes to me...on the cuff, so to speak. It helps me to get started on a more serious project.

Anyway...I am not gonna preach...but, just be careful. And be proud of the weight you have lost. Why don't you write and workout instead of using...just for now, at least. I think you are doing really well. And when things stabilze, you will find many more interesting things to write about. You will discover things about yourself much more interesting and poignant than being an addict. Best of luck, dear sweet Anna.

Naomi C. said...

believe it or not anna, i like your blog because you dont SUGERCOAT THE SHIT. i read some junkie blogs and they add all this fancy language, trying to glamourise the most shittest of experiences... and to outsiders it seems exactly that, but as a junkie, i know you can wrap it up in millions of dollars of diamonds,... its still going to be exactly what it is; prose about a shit drug that fucks up a lot of lives. i read your blog because its more real than any of those others.