I'm in Yuma Arizona with my parents. I'm without Suboxone, and I've become a raving lunatic. I'm so manic that I through myself on the floor of Wal Mart and screamed that I wanted to go back to the apartment. Since then I've herd voices comming from walls. It seems everyone is out to get me. I feel people watching me every time I take the bus. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I vomit all the time.
Gledwood has been telling me to tell my story over again, because its not just my regular visitors, but there are people who just pass by and read one of my blogs which makes no sense to them. So I'm going to tell my story.
I'm a 28 year old women, who fell into opiate addiction at the age of 17. I started with Percocets which my dad had, from there he got prescribed Oxycontin, and I fell in love with the feeling it gave me. Or really the absence of feeling it gave me. By the age of 19 I was in deep. I was addicted to Oxycontin. From there I met two brothers with AIDS, and they had Dilauded. I began shooting up when I was 20 years old. From the time I hit the needle I was a junky. I was stealing, lying, shoplifting, on probation for writing out a Hydromorphone prescripion aka Dilauded to myself. Prescription fraud. I ended up in rehab for the second time after my PO caught me using IV coke. (not the soda) I was also smoking crack. Shooting up speedballs. I took off from my rehab in the middle of the night, and left for Hawaii.
In Hawaii I was introduced to Black tar Heroin. I was used to powdered white Heroin back in Wisconsin. Often called China White. I found that Black tar was a creeper drug. Unlike China White or Venom it didn't hit you as soon as you untied the tournique. It took a few minutes for the inital hit of wonderful under water floating feeling.
Since I was twenty I would have these weeks were I was on top of the mountin, I felt like Charlie Sheen is acting right now. Then I would fall off the edge and end up in a deep depression. I attempted suicide numourous times and never got it right. When in these depressions I would load up a syringe full of Heroin and hope that I wouldn't wake up. I always did. I ended up in nut houses. I got all types of diagnosises, but it wasn't until they put me on mood stabliezers that I found my mood swings stopped, they also stopped when I was high, but when I was sick from junk I would become manic, or depressed. Finally after one of my attempts I was diagnosised Bi Polar. I felt like it was the end of the world for me. Here I was damaged goods. Not just one mental illness, but an addiction to complete the bag. It took years for me to get on the right meds to stop the mood swings. I started Methadone treatment, and it worked really good for me for a while. It stopped the modd swings all togetheher. On the other hand it made me fat. I craved candy all the time. In all reality now that I'm on Suboxone, well now off of Suboxone I feel the mood swings starting up again. I'm scared I don't want to attempt suicide now, I want to just end it all.
Fuck this, I can't write like I used to. I can't put into words to accuractly describe what I went through. My grandfathers suicide my babysitters suicide, both of witch I was in direct contact with. I suggegest if your first reading this blog, that you go back and read my old posts. I assure it may not be the best blog of all time, but it is entertaing. There was the time I was obsessed with Jess. The time when I began abusing Xanax with my Methadone.
Right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to be writing. I'm not too introspective. I'm not too preceptive. I still have my daily diary that I keep with me all the time, writing in it everyday. No matter how mundane the day is, which is all my days.