Friday, March 4, 2011

Miss Misery

Dear Gledwood,

I'm in Yuma Arizona with my parents. I'm without Suboxone, and I've become a raving lunatic. I'm so manic that I through myself on the floor of Wal Mart and screamed that I wanted to go back to the apartment. Since then I've herd voices comming from walls. It seems everyone is out to get me. I feel people watching me every time I take the bus. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I vomit all the time.

Gledwood has been telling me to tell my story over again, because its not just my regular visitors, but there are people who just pass by and read one of my blogs which makes no sense to them. So I'm going to tell my story.

I'm a 28 year old women, who fell into opiate addiction at the age of 17. I started with Percocets which my dad had, from there he got prescribed Oxycontin, and I fell in love with the feeling it gave me. Or really the absence of feeling it gave me. By the age of 19 I was in deep. I was addicted to Oxycontin. From there I met two brothers with AIDS, and they had Dilauded. I began shooting up when I was 20 years old. From the time I hit the needle I was a junky. I was stealing, lying, shoplifting, on probation for writing out a Hydromorphone prescripion aka Dilauded to myself. Prescription fraud. I ended up in rehab for the second time after my PO caught me using IV coke. (not the soda) I was also smoking crack. Shooting up speedballs. I took off from my rehab in the middle of the night, and left for Hawaii.

In Hawaii I was introduced to Black tar Heroin. I was used to powdered white Heroin back in Wisconsin. Often called China White. I found that Black tar was a creeper drug. Unlike China White or Venom it didn't hit you as soon as you untied the tournique. It took a few minutes for the inital hit of wonderful under water floating feeling.

Since I was twenty I would have these weeks were I was on top of the mountin, I felt like Charlie Sheen is acting right now. Then I would fall off the edge and end up in a deep depression. I attempted suicide numourous times and never got it right. When in these depressions I would load up a syringe full of Heroin and hope that I wouldn't wake up. I always did. I ended up in nut houses. I got all types of diagnosises, but it wasn't until they put me on mood stabliezers that I found my mood swings stopped, they also stopped when I was high, but when I was sick from junk I would become manic, or depressed. Finally after one of my attempts I was diagnosised Bi Polar. I felt like it was the end of the world for me. Here I was damaged goods. Not just one mental illness, but an addiction to complete the bag. It took years for me to get on the right meds to stop the mood swings. I started Methadone treatment, and it worked really good for me for a while. It stopped the modd swings all togetheher. On the other hand it made me fat. I craved candy all the time. In all reality now that I'm on Suboxone, well now off of Suboxone I feel the mood swings starting up again. I'm scared I don't want to attempt suicide now, I want to just end it all.

Fuck this, I can't write like I used to. I can't put into words to accuractly describe what I went through. My grandfathers suicide my babysitters suicide, both of witch I was in direct contact with. I suggegest if your first reading this blog, that you go back and read my old posts. I assure it may not be the best blog of all time, but it is entertaing. There was the time I was obsessed with Jess. The time when I began abusing Xanax with my Methadone.

Right now I'm not in the right frame of mind to be writing. I'm not too introspective. I'm not too preceptive. I still have my daily diary that I keep with me all the time, writing in it everyday. No matter how mundane the day is, which is all my days.

I find this song describes me.


Gledwood said...

Anna you're not taking suboxone? Come on! Hey elizabeth taylor is hitting golden goblets with a golden dagger on tv, i have cleopatra on dvd.

Now Anna you sound like your mood is very volatile. I'm like that on mania. Volatile. Some people who don't get it think it's exaggerated happiness and that depression is exaggerated sadness! Depression makes me sad but it's not sadness. I think youll understand that.

I got bipolar episodes every single time I tried to detox. Or switch meds. Subutex switchover gave hypomania. I didn't at the time think it was illness but did notice that music sounded fucking amazing. I know Subutex will make things more vivid but with me it got a lot more vivid. I was sick for the next 2 days after day 1 but so high I didn't care.

Your life sounds really adventurous like other people's always do. I bet I could tell you mine and you'd be envious of some parts. But you wouldn't envy the reality.

Our heroin can be either a creeper or a slam you can't always tell by appearance but white is usually better than dark as regards the slam. And this is brown H3 (or white H3) not China White. When they tested white heroin base they got a higher purity than the finished china white. The link is called something like "making heroin in afghanistan" on my international drugs info section.

I'm glad you're OK I know you're saying you're volatile etc but at least you're not depressed.

Do you ever get so manic you literally cannot follow what people are saying and they can't follow you? I don't know if this is the schiz bit in my schizoaffective, it makes my head go into a roaring noise, but only at the utter manic peak. You can't hear voices in this state as there's just noise.

Fucking hell I took 2 pills and feel fuck all off them. I feel too hyped up already and I don't wanna take my antipsychotics. Every fucking day I get a mood swing where I start off sluggish on meds I took at night then my mood climbs gradually upwards to evening on this mild mania.

I got into full mania a few days ago when I forgot (genuinely forgot) to take the meds. Then I had a "medication vacation" just for one day but I decided I have to be responsible. I'm NOT suggesting you try the same your bipolar isn't exactly the same as mine.

Can you get depression, literal depression with exhaustion, guilt etc etc as well as the shitty mood, that only lasts a few hours and then turns manic or just fades away? I do. No idea why.

Sorry to bang on about myself self self again see Im buzzing already its only 11 at night I always wait for sleeping pills to come on or me to be IN BED before taking antipsychotics as I hate sleeping INto the feeling they give. I really don't like it.

I hope you really are OK even if you say you're manic. Take care of yourself. Leave a comment at mine. I said I thought you were in hospital with depression yesterday! Well how do I know?

When are you coming home? What would you do with Elle if you came home?

Are you really without Suboxone? Surely you have a few days' supply...?

Keep in touch, take it easy.


BMelonsLemonade said...

Keep writing in that diary, Anna. That is a great me, one day when everything is all better, you will be able to fish through those journals and find some gems in what just seems like shit to you now. Stick with it, girl. Getting completely off opiates is really the best move you can make. It may not seem like it now, but one will all make sense. Keep your head up, and stay strong! Much Love...T

Gledwood said...

I hope i didn't go over the top yesterday i felt really weird when i wrote that and i cannot tell how you actually FEEL you sound depressed more than manic or are you both? Sometimes you sound like you have both at the same time, that is possible you know. If you get racy thoughts with depressed mood you really wanna tell your dr. I only got diagnosed because I was perfectly honest and open I was too fucking desperate to be anything else and it was gnawing away at me knowing something was pretty fucking obviously going badly wrong and not knowing the name of it.

That Suboxone doesn't seem to suit you very well. You'd do better if you could do that detox, I reckon because you'd be under expert care. That's not to say you would feel A1 every moment but if you really started going off on one at least they would medicate you and not treat you as if you were misbehaving.

I have to go Anna I have to run out the door. I hope you're OK, take care


Anonymous said...

I think you're quite perceptive and I really enjoy reading your writing. I hope that you achieve all your goals. Best of Luck x