Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The needle tears a hole. The old familar sting.

The sun is out, and the air temp is 55 degrees F. I look out the patio window into the parking lot and wish we lived on the other side of the building either facing the river or Washington st. I'm sick of looking at pavement, and rickety old cars, with spots of snow everywhere. At least the grass is showing in most spots. I put a chair in front of the patio doors, so I can just open the door sit down and smoke my cigarettes. I would go out on the patio, but its all wet from melting snow on the patio's above me.

I'm reading the Girl with the Dragon Tatoo, and I'm about a 100 pages in, and the book sucks. I don't  know what everyone sees in this shit. Too much detail, just like Steven King. I could never read his books. I once read part of one of Steven Kings books, and he described shoe laces and took up a full paragrah to describe these damn shoe laces. Needless to say, I'm shopping for another Ebook. I'm waiting for the edit of my book to be done. I had to make revisions last month, and it set back the date my book will be available for purchase on my blog, and on The book is called I Hate Myself and Want to Die. Its about Heroin addiction and suicide. If you want to read excerpts go back in my blog to Dec. of last year. I have to thank once again BMelonsandLemonade for helping make the book readable. She gave me priceless advice I dearly needed.

Home alone again, and waking up to Televison. My only socialization. Not totally true, yesterday I went to water aerobics yesterday with my aunt Debbie, and talked to my parents on the phone. Since its so warm out today I'm not going to the gym, I'm going to take Eleanor for a long walk.

My mood is manic, I'm doing the best I've done on weight watchers this week, why I told you that I don't know.

Yesterday I got a call from my Dr. My acutal Dr. called me and said he was worried about me, so he wants me to come into his office tomorrow at 8:15 am. He's afraid I'm going to fall off the edge of happiness into the abyss of depression. I'm worried about it too. I know when I get really depressed I attempt suicide almost on a lark. Like I don't care if I live or die. Right now its great to be alive. Its sunny and warm. I have my lovely dog, and this blog. I'm going on vacation in April for two weeks, or longer. Hopefully my Doctor won't put kabosh on that. If he thinks I'm too manic I could end up in Brown County Mental Hospital yet again. It would be my seventh time there.

My doctor took me off Aderal, but I'm still manic from it. Its like my brain has never come down from a speed high. Which would explain all the cleaning I do. I painted my finger nails red. Well I have nothing left to say, so I'll say good bye, and I'm going to go e shopping for another book.

Much love to all you who read this.



Midnitefyrfly said...

I'm manic right now too. I don't even have a psych Dr because I have been managing my bipolar for years... not anymore. I am scared to go to the DR. Scared of getting put on the wrong meds... Scared that the depression that follows this time is going to be unbearable.

I can't wait to read your book.

Gledwood said...

You sound like you've been "cycling" as they call it for quite a while and going mostly between slow depression and fast depression which is called a mixed state and now you're going into a fast high ie manic.

I've done that russian roulette thing with heroin injections in the past I don't remember consciously doing it but i managed to OD 2 days in a row so it was all a problem.

You inspired me to go swimming again. I used to love swimming when I was little I never dreaded going like i'd dread normal sports i loved swimming. When I went to India I got a love of swimming in the sea they had huge waves in Goa because there's no land between there and Arabia which is nearly 1000 miles away it was like wave machine swimming pool on high setting really really cool. I'm looking for a wave pool near me but don't know where there is one. If I go while school is on and no school swimming it'll be really cool. I just hate the body issue of getting in the fucking pool esp. the first time I've ever been swimming on my own.

If there's any reason for the mania it probably has more to do with being off Suboxone than off Adderall. Being off Adderall would have given you a low before now if it was going to I'm sure I used to use speed too much in years gone by when I was in depression already and the crashes were just beyond anything reasonable I am talking about post nuclear. That was how bad the depression was. But this was THE NEXT DAY. If you do come down the depression won't be because of your meds it will be because of bipolar. I know what you're like you're like me and in depression you will try and blame yourself so I'm saying this ahead of time.

You might not go into a depression anyhow, it sounded like you were in it already. I know it gets worse than it was but down to up might be your mood swing this time and it might just settle to normality rather than switching down. You are after all on meds that must be doing something.

Everyone thinks I should be on more meds than I am but my dr is just being cautious he doesn't want to turn me into one of these people who is immune to a lot of things because I've been on it so long. I'm talking about people who have multiple decades, you're lucky you're too young. I know you had problems for a long time though.

Are you back home then? In Wisconsin? Yuma doesn't sound like the kinda place to have too much snow. Yeah I bet you blogged that adn I missed it somehow you know how stupid I can be.

O shit I took half my night pill already (risperidone) and it's coming on I'm going to have to go.

I might be moving house soon but I haven't blogged it yet so you get the news first.

Go see that doc ASAP. Remember Dr Gledwood Knows Fucking Everything and Dr Gledwood says see your own doctor asap and tell him about the depression you had with racing thoughts if he doesn't know already he needs to know this stuff. It might prompt him to change your meds.

Anyway darling I have to go take it EZ OK!

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Anna,
I hope all goes well with your doc.
Have a good night & take care always,

Geoff Schutt said...

Eleanor, who is (literally) a character, says she feels the same way much of the time, except she's not on H or anything like that. She's trapped inside a Spirit House until her Biographer gets her story straight. Wherever we are -- wherever we come from -- we have similarities. You are never alone.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo book series, but the movies are better. Naomi Rapace rocks. If you haven't seen them, try and get a hold of the films. I'd like to hear what you think.

I hope everything went okay with your doctor.

Love you.

Gledwood said...

I meant to say this before but I 4got: Stephen King ~ you are bang on!

James Herbert is FAR more concise.

Steven King sells really really well here. I heard Danielle Steel has outsold him in America but herre he outsells her about 3 to 1. He might do 500,000 copies but she will only do 125,000 or so. He babbles away using 10 words where 1 will do doesnt he.

Well I must fuck orf so as not to be like S King cheery bye

ps did i get that wrong on my swimming post (at my blog) I said you did workouts in the movie house is that right? That's so American we dont have that here.

Anonymous said...

Blog subject requests:
Explain "ppface"
Describe losing your virginity
Discuss favorite books, albums, movies NOT related to heroin
Tell us about your best female friends
Describe happiest childhood memory

Gledwood said...

yeah what does pp mean in ppface anna grace?

Gledwood said...

oh, you mean "pee pee face"..?

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Enjoyed this article a lot.
Keep it up ,

Gledwood said...

before i forget remember i said i was on a wonderful sleep medication (that i'm not on any longer, im not manic any more)....

... it's called ZOPICLONE, not available in the USA

I said it should be like Ambien (zolpidem) ... they both came out around 1994 (I remember)


I found out there are 2 very close drugs in the USA

LUNESTA (eszopiclone) is very close

SONATA (zaleplon) is fairly close

so if you have any trouble sleeping say you have a friend in the UK who recommended the UK version of Lunesta, it WORKS BEAUTIFULLY for sleep, but not for watching tv feeling rubbery ie it has low abuse potential you could tell the dr that if he/she doesn't want to prescribe.

Gledwood said...

what am i talking about fucking "abuse potential" the reason i watched late nigh tv "feeling rubbery" had far less to do with "abuse" and much more to do with the fucking TEMAZEPAM NOT WORKING temazepam is Restoril I think.