Wednesday, March 9, 2011

This is my 403rd post. I suck at writing. I'm embarrassed of my book. I'm negative 27 points on my weight watchers points plus. I'm doing a lot of working out to make up those points. I have only one reader now... a shout out to Gledwood.

I lost a lot of readers when I lied about my relapse. Now if I ever do relapse no body will believe me. It sure as hell would make this blog a lot more interesting.

I flew back last night. I'm back in Wisconsin, and I come back in a snow storm. FUCK ME! Me and Eleanor are just getting used to being alone. I have to go see my shrink tomorrow about my melt down in Yuma AZ. Oh fuck, my life is so not interesting. I don't even know why I blog. Like anyone out there gives a flying fuck what I did today or any other day. Unless that is I got real high. Then people would be commenting how horrible I am.

Not being on Heroin, Methadone, or Suboxone is strange. I want to get high in the worst way. Now that my parents are gone I could use and nobody would know the difference. The reason I don't use is because mainly I don't want to hurt my parents. Second I don't want to go back to jail. Fuck me I want to move to
Amsterdam. It may not be legal, but at least its decriminalized. I wish I could go back to when I started using and get that euphoric feeling from taking one 5mg Percocet. Now it takes me 10 to feel nothing. All I'm doing is hurting my liver.

I'm going back to Yuma AZ April 8th with my aunt  Debbie. We are going to spend at least 10 days out there. I only bought a one way ticket. I plan on buying a one way ticket home.

To everyone or those few of you who still read this blog. Its not that I don't want you to read my blog, but dude there has to be something much more interesting out there. I haven't been fucked in 3 months. God save the queen. Rolling Stones, my favorite song by them.


Gledwood said...

I know how it feels to lose readers. I lost readers just by posting how it felt to be mad. That's the British crazy-mad. I lost 3 followers over 3 days over that so fuck 'em.

Like I said you can gain readers just by being sociable online. go to blogs you dont normally go to and leave comments. That's all you need do. Don't just lurk, comment and just say hi and say what you like about the blog. That is how I got nearly every single online friend, just by commenting, y'know... give it a try. You say I have more followers than you I only got them by following other people. I think your readers and mine are just about the same. Bear in mind my post "I nearly grabbed a tiny tit" gets over 100 hits a day. More than "I" ever get so don't be confused by who reads me for me and who reads me for what Im not. You could easily have more genuine readers than me and I mean that.

I was so depressed earlier it was unreal I'm fed up of this shitty life I hae to do something about it. I have a heavy duty psychiatric diagnosis and I don't know what to do about it. What did you do? Bar get depresed? Surely there's one positive thing about it all...?

Its really late Anna I have to go I hope Im making sense got a lotta shit to do tomorrow Deshane is coming by tomorrow so I have to seak to hi ad;... (uh??!)

fuck. see what i mean i have to go

love you


Gledwood said...

Anna can I ask you something? I get 3 things so I'll number them 1, 2 and 3 they are all associated with depression and happen suddenly e.g. I feel depressed in the morning on my antipsychotic but as the antipsychotic, that I take at bedtime, wears off my mood switches, sometimes it switches drastically anyhow but the antipsychotic halps stop it I'm not on a mood stabilizer yet

OK number 1 is just going from depressed to a good mood

number 2 is depressed into hypomanic you feel fast and really good but you know it's not natural it feels almost like some amazing drug its like a cross between mania and a natural good mood its mild mania

3 is full on mania if you had a fan youd blow it on your face to feel wind in your hair as you're flying your mind rushes so fast your thoughts are fragmented you might hear voices see visions you're in a tornado everything's so fast, I can see spirals everywhere when I'm like this I gaze at the ceiling because I'm so high I'm going up up up I write in rhymes my head and thoughts are all over the place this is when i post nonsense i know people or some people think i'm just putting it on but it's genuine it would take all day to edit that into plain english so i post up the stream of consciousness i really feel exhilarated and high better than coke better than any drug when this really is high it's fantastic i can also feel very angry and lose my temper when i'm on my own, just by thinking of something irritating

now of these 1, 2 and 3 do you get them and if so which one(s) and how much? I hope you realize i'm not trying to be personal i'm asking because it happens to ME and i'm wondering when you get your manic flashes you describe are they a 1 a 2 or a 3 or which ones happen when?

and do you ever get the thing when you're feeling bad but your mind suddenly goes fast like someone has stepped on an accelerator pedal? that is called a mixed mood state

i keep saying Anna itsounds like you get mixed moods and you NEED TO TELL YOUR DOCTOR i bet you haven't told him you NEED to there are medications that are specifically good for mixed episodes or cycling you need to tell Dr Shrinko what time of day it is in Anna Grace Ville

sorry darling if this sounds preachy you are officially my Best Friend so I have to tell you what I think sweetheart I hate to think of you suffering when a simple change in meds could remedy it all

peace 'n' luuurve darlin'

take it EZ

Gleds ;-)

Anna Grace said...

I will answer ur question in a blog either 2night or tomorrow. Luv you xx

Anna Grace said...

Gledwood, I'm bi polar type 2, I think your bi polar type one.

This means I have longer periods of depression and short periods of mania.

You seem to swing wildly with many episodes.

Look it up. That is if your really bi polar, and I think you are.

Vortex Black said...

Your voice is refreshing amongst the myriads of blogs written by phonies and liars who aren't real with themselves. You can't beat that. It's annoying when someone thinks they've written Pulitzer Prize material; probably better that you're embarrassed by your book. "The best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Gledwood said...

Anna you can't be type 2 bipolar if you have psychotic symptoms like voices or delusional thought.

You don't need to hear voices every day or very much, even if you hear them occasionally or have hallucinations occasionally you'd be bipolar I... or is there some other illness causing the delusionality you mentioned? I know your life is more complicated than you post and you don't owe us an explanation for everything. That's why I'm pissed off with NA I don't OWE them a share but I did share and do you know not one person could think of anything to say to me after I shared about my bipolar mood swings I feel really let down. I mean I feel scummy enough coming in there manic KNOWING they think that ABSOLUTLELY HAS TO BE DRUGS they have such one track minds I was so nervous my voice was quivering I haven't been that nervous for YEARS and none of those people NOT ONE could think up any single little thing to say to me I wasn't expecting a big hug and "there there" but I thought one person might have one thing to say and I thought I would get treated nicer than I was, like a lying junkie. I bet they thought I was lying. Well my patience with NA is wearing thin. Really really thin I feel misunderstood, I feel judged I feel a lot of bad things from them and all because of an illness I didn't choose to have. Unlike addiction this happens TO me I don't do it you'd think they'd have a little more sympathy well they can get fucked. Sorry to lay this at your door Anna baby I just feel lonely and misunderstood I know you know that feeling nobody understands me nobody knows what to say to me even on my blog because it's outside their experience, I can respect that but it doesn't make me feel any less lonely.

elizabeth said...

Anna, you have not lost me as a reader...I still anxiously await your next post. I think what might be the problem is Gledwood was posting so much and it seemed like only a dialogue between you two! IMHO.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm still here, reading. Your life and welfare are always interesting to me, because I truly care about you. I am glad you are no longer using.



Naomi C. said...

anna, do you have a counter? i have a statcounter, and you go to it, and look at the visitors you have etc. etc. i barely get ANY comments literally, i dont. most times just one from a girl i went to school with. BUT looking at my stat counter, i saw how many people READ but DONT COMMENT. im glad its being read, even if they dont comment. i really am.

IMAGINE HOW MANY PEOPLE READ YOUR BLOG but dont comment. sometimes i read your blog posts, sometimes more than once, twice or thrice, but i dont comment as i cant add anything good to the conversation or i cant top the post you have made.

chill, carry on writing.

i have been a junkie for AGES and to be honest, i wouldnt find it very interesting to read you relapsing and doing the same shit we all do over and over. and WHEN YOU RELAPSE you tend not to care about a blog so you dont write! i know i didnt.

dont give a fuck about this...; get a stat counter like i hafve and see how many people visit, all get a traffic feedjit to see where people come from. it touches me even though i get no comments, to see people from germany, iraq (in one instance!!!), texas, new york, australia, france.... all visit my crappy little bloggy!


Naomi C. said...

duh i see you have a stat counter now *facepalm*

BMelonsLemonade said...

Anna, I am still reading your blog. I know I have not been commenting much lately, but I have been dealing with a bunch of things myself. And I am not pissed you lied about a relapse. I am glad you did not relapse. Plus, we are writers, and we write both fiction and non-fiction. Your blog is what you want it to be...the writer in me applauds your effort with fiction. Fiction is hard for me to write...Anyway, keep your head up...and keep fucking writing. It does not have to be writing here...but just keep writing somewhere.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

um... hello, i'm always here, better believe it! even when i'm not writing MY blog (like now), i am totally reading YOUR blog!

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

LOVE that Nietzche's one of my favorites!!! (well, not that I know ALL of his quotes most likely, but ya know)

Trying to take it one day at a time said...

Anna - I love reading your blog! Just wanted to share that with you.