Has anyone ever seen the movie Candy? If your a junkie I suggest you watch this movie. It really describes the ride H takes you on. Trainspotting is one of my all time favorite movies. That's where I got the idea to lock myself in a room and detox. Although I'm not completely strung out. Its more a mental thing right now. Aside from a runny nose, watery eyes, and a sick stomach, along with yawning all the time. I can cum really easy also. Just the slightest touch and I'm screaming OH GOD, OH GOD! Soon, if I don't get any H, or methadone, or Oxycodone aka Percocets, my sexual appiete will come on strong. I could call Jess, and get some that way, but I'm not ready for that just yet. Jesus, if its not drugs, it sex with me. I swear to you, I must have borderline personality disorder. I take risks just to feel alive. Like going down to a gang ridden area of Chicago with a Purto Rican who I can barely communicate with and go into a drug dealers house, who has never met me and make him weigh the Heroin in front of me.
My mood is up and down all at one time. From second to second, minute to minute my mood changes. This I assume is due to the little withdrawals I'm going through. I could take some of my dad's Oxycodone, but I've taken so many he's already going to go sick this month. I have a secret about that, that I can't share on Internet due to family members reading. I'll leave this secret in a blogs comments that I always comment on. Its a stupid secret, but I'm terrified my dad will notice so I had to do something. Those of who don't know if its pins, needles, and grins, or Hashish dreams and nightmares, or Gledwood. I love all these blogs, but I'm particularly fascinated with one of them.
I just got news, that I won't be able to get Methadone until Saturday. So three days of detox. That should get rid of the small withdrawals I'm going through, but the cravings will still be there. On May 7 or the 10 I'm going to go back to the Methadone clinic. Stay on a low dose. Yet, I don't want to be on Methadone, because I'm loosing all this weight, and going back on Methadone will make me sedentary, and bring back my appiete. Do I wait until I'm down to my normal One hundred and forty pounds, and then go back and maintain that weight, or do I go on Methadone and fight really hard to loose weight. That damn Methadone makes me crave sweets something fierce. That's all I eat when I'm on it. I haven't eaten in two days using H. I'm suppose to go out to lunch with my dad at Red Lobster for his fifty fourth birthday. I don't know if I'll be able to eat. I might just get shrimp scampi, and eat as much as possible. God, I'm so not hungry, food just disgusts me.
I know its not healthy to starve, because then when you eat again your body will take those calories and store them right away as fat because your body thinks it will starve again.
So that's all there is to it. My life. Day to day. My thoughts, ideas, fears, desires, and flaws.