Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Bye, Bye, Black bird.

Well I'm out of H, and my friend hasn't come through with a little Methadone to hold me over. So I took some speed this morning to make me feel  like living. It gives me the shakes, and I can't sleep. Well I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. I do have sleepers, and Valium. I should just lock myself in my room with my sleepers and Valium and sweat it out. Come out seven days later, an extra few day more than I need just to make sure.

Has anyone ever seen the movie Candy? If your a junkie I suggest you watch this movie. It really describes the ride H takes you on. Trainspotting is one of my all time favorite movies. That's where I got the idea to lock myself in a room and detox.  Although I'm not completely strung out. Its more a mental thing right now. Aside from a runny nose, watery eyes, and a sick stomach, along with yawning all the time. I can cum really easy also. Just the slightest touch and I'm screaming OH GOD, OH GOD! Soon, if I don't get any H, or methadone, or Oxycodone aka Percocets, my sexual appiete will come on strong. I could call Jess, and get some that way, but I'm not ready for that just yet. Jesus, if its not drugs, it sex with me. I swear to you, I must have borderline personality disorder. I take risks just to feel alive. Like going down to a gang ridden area of Chicago with a Purto Rican who I can barely communicate with and go into a drug dealers house, who has never met me and make him weigh the Heroin in front of me.

My mood is up and down all at one time. From second to second, minute to minute my mood changes. This I assume is due to the little withdrawals I'm going through. I could take some of my dad's Oxycodone, but I've taken so many he's already going to go sick this month. I have a secret about that, that I can't share on Internet due to family members reading. I'll leave this secret in a blogs comments that I always comment on. Its a stupid secret, but I'm terrified my dad will notice so I had to do something. Those of who don't know if its pins, needles, and grins, or Hashish dreams and nightmares, or Gledwood. I love all these blogs, but I'm particularly fascinated with one of them.

I just got news, that I won't be able to get Methadone until Saturday. So three days of detox. That should get rid of the small withdrawals I'm going through, but the cravings will still be there. On May 7 or the 10 I'm going to go back to the Methadone clinic. Stay on a low dose. Yet, I don't want to be on Methadone, because I'm loosing all this weight, and going back on Methadone will make me sedentary, and bring back my appiete. Do I wait until I'm down to my normal One hundred and forty pounds, and then go back and maintain that weight, or do I go on Methadone and fight really hard to loose weight. That damn Methadone makes me crave sweets something fierce. That's all I eat when I'm on it. I haven't eaten in two days using H. I'm suppose to go out to lunch with my dad at Red Lobster for his fifty fourth birthday. I don't know if I'll be able to eat. I might just get shrimp scampi, and eat as much as possible. God, I'm so not hungry, food just disgusts me.

I know its not healthy to starve, because then when you eat again your body will take those calories and store them right away as fat because your body thinks it will starve again.

So that's all there is to it. My life. Day to day.  My thoughts, ideas, fears, desires, and flaws.


Gledwood said...

You took speed when you were ill enough to have a sick stomach, yawning etc? Anna you are truly a massochist.

I never in a million years went near crack, the only upper I used (with miniscule exceptions) for ten years... never went near that without heroin. Ever. It was just too horrible to contemplate. The nausea. The anxiety. The negative mood it induces.

If you want to meet Jess you need to get the message out now. Don't wait till you're all of a flutter. Get in touch now.

Will they give you methadone if you used to be an addict and aren't technically physically addicted now?

If so wow. And America is even more confusing than I thought it was. They have a WEIRD attitude to drugs where you are. Here you absolutely must test opiate (ie heroin) positive in order to get scripted. They just won't touch you if you don't. If you can prove you've been using something else you should get it, but using anything other than heroin is extremely rare here. Apart from people who use over the counter paracetamol and codeine pills that can barely have any effect at 10mg codeine in a pill. That's equivalent to something like a fraction of 1mg methadone; a ridiculously small amount.

Good luck with it all. I'm banging in this post right now but it is too boring for words. I did 4 days off the *****n and ..... well you don't wanna hear that anyhow.

You know when I clean up I'm going to have to steer clear of CAFFEINE as well. It seems to have a x10 effect if I feel even mildly hyper. Fucking ridiculous stuff.

I'm in a pissed off mood at the moment because some certain person is taking AGES to do something... and I am going to have to eat some food which I don't want to any more. I've lost my appetite badly the past few days.

And there is CRAP on television!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry if this comment is boring

Anna Grace said...

I never think ur comments or post are boring. I rather enjoy both.

Anna Grace said...

I know speed is really just amplyfing my symptoms, but it puts some dopamine into my recptors, so I don't get as depressed. The physcial withdrawls I can take, but the phsycological ones I can't take. The speed does cause a lot of anxiety, and even valium doesn't make it go away. Perhaps I'm somewhat mentally addicted to speed. I do take it about once a week.

As far as Methadone clinics in America, you do have to be strung out, and you have to be tested for opiates, and have to have opiates in your system. It can be any type of opiate or opiode, including Methadone. By the time I think I might go back to the Methadone clinic I will have Methadone to test positve with, and I'll have mild withdrawls when I get off of it for two days before I get dosed.

Jess and I are still in contact. We email at least once a month. He knows I'm working on a manuscript based on our sorted past. Well he's just a part of it. Like most things I write its about me. Narrcassit here.

BMelonsLemonade said...

I read the book "Candy." It was really great. It reminded me too much of my relationship with my ex husband. The movie was ok, although I was never a big fan of Heath Ledger. My favorite junky movie is "Requiem for a Dream." Amazing book, too. I actually have this really crazy old claymation movie directed by Francis Ford Coppola, but written and narrated by William S. Burroughs called "A Junky's Christmas." It another one of my favorites. Hope you feel better soon. I have been thinking a lot about dope sickness today, as I have been puking for two days with a stomach virus...

Gledwood said...

Anna Baby I answered your query on living a happy life in the same comments section


It's the Normal Mood post. Please come back and see what I put and RSVP under it. I was asking how you feel in the same state I get into where I'm nearest to happy I ever get. I'm really wondering how you do feel then.

After you answer there you could write a full post here about it. It would be something to post when you're stuck for anything else, at the very least.

I once took ecstasy on my own when I was "clucking" as we call it here.

I wasn't even that sick as my habit was very new but I had a pretty horrible time. Passing out in bed feeling ill. No euphoria to speak of just this wooziness.

With me it's the physical as well as the psychological symptoms of withdrawal that get me.

When I came off cold turkey however, there was no lying in bed for me. I was WAY too hyped up and felt like I was speeding off my face anyhow. In fact I felt like I'd taken the maximum dose of speed my body could take, and yet I was having a shitty time on it. I went on and on speeding every single day for the entire week until I took the train home and scored and used in London as soon as I could manage.

Heroin was the only answer in my life. The answer to everything. I used gear as an ointment, a salve, a seltzer for everything. I used it to cure my acheing stomach every morning. I used it (of course) to fix my sickness but also my depression. In the early years I barely felt I had any depression: heroin took it all away so wonderfully.

Then I ended up in rehab twice in a year and saw how I felt when the rug was pulled from under me.

Utterly falling to pieces. It wasn't the worst nervous breakdown you could have, but I was in a worse mental state than anyone else in there, both times. I know they weren't falling apart from me. I never saw them looking agitated even. Never saw anybody else cry. Fair dos I did my crying in the counselling alone, but there weren't enough counsellors in that place to cater for everybody else apart from me.

I missed all the best stuff that was going on because I was in that counselling room so very much.

So much for "we're all in the same boat" we were not in the same boat at all. In the second place we all got sleeping pills every single night, as well as low-dose antipsychotics to induce relaxation (at night). And yet still I couldn't sleep. And spent the ENTIRE NIGHT 2 nights in a row (until I walked out of there) wide awake watching everybody else sleep. Then hearing their complaints about how they "didn't sleep a wink either" and laughing to myself. I was up. I saw everybody else sleeping. I knew. And I couldn't even speak to the night staff when I was desperate for someone to talk to: the night lady had been working all day and she was fast asleep on the couch.

I don't think I'd stand for that today. If she's doing a job, if she's being paid she can fucking well stay up all night talking to me. My place in there was paid for. Even I made a little contribution, which you do in England. It costs the state something like £400 per week, of which I was paying something like £25... so I was entitled to my money's worth!!

Please RSVP under the happiness answer, and consider making a post here along the same lines. You hardly ever post about that and yet it's a high and a happiness of sorts and it's happened to you a few times... please explain!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with BML the book is a great read its takes place in my town ,the streets & inner suburbs of Melbourne read so much more real than the movie set in Sydney.My EX and I lived that same life even in the same street as they did.We left many a taxi waiting where he leaves a punter.

John said...

Hi Anna,

I'm glad the blog is still up, keep it that way...

I always find the best way to do a rattle is to just go to bed with some books and a radio, take some piankillers and do what you can to get some sleep.

Just sweat it out, maybe with a bit of cider to help...

Thanks again for the kind words and the props - I'm kinda new to this and having 3 of my favourite drug-bloggers (Shane, Gleds and you) following me and having nice things to say about me means a lot.

I'll try and put up a new post soon - I'm just crippled right now - my knee is killing me, I'm in pain and I'm drugged to the eyeballs. Everything is hurting me right now. I'm also skint, and my car is dying a slow painful and expensive death....