Saturday, April 23, 2011

disabled anon comments

Okay, I'm going to try to explain this as best as I can. First and foremost I'm not lying on my blog, I'm lying to my family. Which makes it hard to be forthcoming. I tell my family that reads my blog that I'm lying. The comment about my track being googled was what I used as a cover when my aunt called me immediately after seeing this photo. Although she did see my blanky and blanket in the background. Which was hard to explain away.
 My dad will probably notice that I'm stealing his pills when he refills them on Monday or Tuesday. Which will be a sort of relief. Then I can go back to the Methadone clinic, and get on a low dose of Methadone and keep using on the side. Methadone doesn't keep the depression away, so when I need to I would use the H to keep from feeling like killing myself.

I used my jugular because I was in a hurry and couldn't find a vein. I wanted to mainline and didn't want to skin pop. So I went to where I know I could get a flash, and the blood come into the syringe. I don't normally do this. Only when in a hurry. My mom was in the next room.

I swear on my sister Angie's grave that I'm not lying.

So yesterday I went to Chicago with the middle man, and we went to the north side, I ended up getting a good deal, I got a gram for 100 dollars. Normally here in GB its 130 to one hundred and forty. Green Bay is dry except for what the middle man who supplies most of GB has, and what I have. The H was strong, and I only need 0.2g to get high. I mean wasted. Nodding and everything. I did this after my dad went to sleep so I was up until around...well right now. I just did a really small shot, less than 0.1g just to keep me in a good mood, and try to explain to everyone why things aren't adding up. My dad has already left for the bar to drink himself into a good mood, or for all I know to see his mistress.

This blog is a struggle for me to keep up, and keep my family in the dark. Would you rather me lie to you or my family? I would rather lie to my family to keep from hurting them. BTW, my arm isn't that fat, it just an extreme close up. I went to weight watchers today and I lost ten pounds, so I'm down to 180lbs. Having a bit of habit keeps me from eating so I'm loosing weight like you wouldn't believe.

I may even delete this blog and go over to Wordpress and start a new blog so I can be honest and not have to lie to my family . This way they won't find my new blog, because I won't advertise it on facebook, and Twitter. I would loose a lot of readers, but at least I wouldn't be bombarded with cruel insults on my comments.

I set my settings to not allow anonymous commenter's. The one I got last night when I was just about to fix, it said something about me not being a female Kurt Cobain, and that I was a lame fat junkie. It saddened me to think that people think that I'm trying to be like Kurt Cobain. That man had talent I will never have. I don't even have a little talent in my pinkie finger. This I know about myself. There is no need for people to remind me that I'm a useless fat junkie. Thank God I had dope to fix up with as soon as I read that comment, because it almost sent me over the edge. I just felt like killing myself knowing, and having other people tell me how I have no talent. Just thinking about that comment makes me cry.

I know I lied once about using, and I'll always have non believers. Short of having someone come over and see me or skype my using, there will be non believers. I would like to see one of you try to be honest about using on your blog where family members read it, and keeping them from believing it. Its a tedious balance.

Even Gledwood questions my use. He's my closest friend on here. Gledwood if you have skype I'm willing to show you the bags of H I got, and show me fixing. I'll do enough to nod out, and you'll see that I'm using again. The Heroin I got was China White, and it doesn't even have to be cooked up you just have to put water in it, and stir it with the tip of the plunger, and put a cotton ball in and suck up the H. Its not clumply, its pure powder. The dealer was a black man, I don't know if he had any gang affiliation.

Gledwood, you do realize your not in my positon, I have to go to the North Side of Chey town aka the windy city, because that's where my middle man goes. I did set up a contact with him, and have his number so when I want I can come down by myself to pick up. Only when I'm picking up a sizable amount though. The thing is I don't feel safe unless I have a man come with me. Back before the Methadone I would go down there by myself, because my dealer would meet me just outside of Chicago at a gas station. So I didn't have to go into the inner city.

So now when my aunt reads this I'm sure I'm going to get a phone call or email asking me whats going on. Who are you lying to, me or the readers. The only thing I can do is start a new blog somewhere else. Hopefully my followers will still come read. Those of you who don't believe just don't read it.
The mass of my comments are rude, and cruel. I don't see anybody else's blog where the readers are so cruel. I know you want the satisfaction of knowing you hurt me. Here you have it. You've hurt me.

I'm getting so frustrated it sounds like I'm advocating using opiates, but in reality I would never advocate the use of Heroin or Opiate pills. All it does is cause pain. Not just the addiction, which kills you inside and out, but writing about it and having people call you fat, useless, junky. I have low self esteem. I don't deserve anything, and I'm not asking for anything. You don't have to believe me. I know I'll still get cruel comments because I admitted that they hurt me.

Well, I have my medicine now, and those who want to hurt me with their words you'll have to show your name. With my medication those words don't hurt any more than sticks and stones. When I'm high sticks and stones don't hurt as much. Still I remember every word.

As far as my veins go. I have tiny veins. I don't have those arms where you just stretch out your arm and clench your fist and tons of veins show up. Mine are hidden, and I have to take a lot of time feeling them out, and poking around to find one. I never even knew I had any good veins on my right arm, until a nurse took blood from that arm. After that I marked it with a indelible marker for when I needed it. Turns out its a very good vein, except after I miss a little, then the blood won't blossom in again for another day. My wrists are all scared from a suicide attempt, along with the forearm. As I sliced my arms four times up and down. Although every now and again I can get into my wrist. My hands have long dried up. That's where I first started banging. I had many different veins on my hands. My legs are too fat to find a vein in. Hopefully while on weight watchers I'll get down to 120lbs again, and will be able to find a vein in my thigh. "Goal set".

That's all I've got. If things don't add up I can't explain anymore than I already have. Your just not going to believe me. So just stop reading. I may enable anon commenters again, but right now I'm not ready to read your straight up mean and hurtfull comments.

7 comments:

elizabeth said...

Anna, you know what is most fascinating to me is that you make it to weight watchers despite everything else that is going on in your life! I cannot commit to going there, and have none of your issues.
Other ones for sure but I am still a "functioning, productive, individual" in societies definition of same. To me it shows you can commit to something if you are truly motivated to do something! SO.........

Gledwood said...

~Dont delete your blog. If anything just close it down ie make it private but keep it there. It's quite easy to do that. Not that I'm suggesting you do that.

So was this gear tar or white? I'm just interested. I could have scored today. I met someone round the corner yesterday who had really nice stuff. At least it made me feel really nice. I didn't conk out at all but stayed wide awake feeling perfect. Now I've got money on me but can't commit to using I'm fed up of using I wont be able to do it every day so one of the days i dont do it might as well be today.

There's this awful film on telly it's boring the pants off me but what else is there to do. I have alcohol but I don't even want to drink that.

I am not allowed to sleep either. I'm trying to limit myself to 5 hours sleep if I can. Hoping it might switch my mood. No heroin and no sleep might just be enough to switch my head into hyper mode. I can but hope.

Congratulations on scoring.

Georgina said...

Did you get my email(just installed EXPRESS;cuts off quickly without letting me know if mail has indeed sent)
I do believe ones blog is private(no family or anon-that is)..If you want it to be theraputic/catharcic that is.
Gosh! I'd never let my close family and friends into my diaries!
Incidentally, if you dont mind me inquiring; how old are you?
You are rather good at expressing your lifes frustrations; giving rise to as yet unanswered questions. Though I imagine you are in your twenties-it'd be plain wrong if you already had experience enough to know it all already babe!Georgina,from Scotland

Georgina said...

Do you know 'Gledwood' personally?(again, if you dont mind me asking)

Anna Grace said...

Nope I don't Gledwood in real life. I only wish I did. He's the only one I can relate to and I haven't even met him, nor seen a photo.

I'm 28 years old. I don't know it all, at all. I am clueless to real life.

Liz said...

please don't delete your account, i've been following you for a long time and even messaged you on myspace. i would be a wreck if my family ever found my blog. if you do decide to move, can you please email me the new url? i've been clean for awhile now, and you break my heart. you have nothing to prove to anyone, and you are talented and beautiful, inside and out. it's near impossible to ignore hurtful words; i cringe when people say "It's just the internet!" because words still hurt, and there are human beings on both sides of the screen. and especially on a blog like yours, which is so personal, hurtful comments can cut deep. please know that i'm rooting for you, and have you in my thoughts. be well.

John said...

I can't blame you for disabling anonymous comments, there are a lot of trolls that just want to cause upset and trouble.

There's nothing wrong in asking questions or calling people out when you sniff bullshit, but there's no reason or excuse for simple rudeness.

Thanks for dropping by mine, and for your kind comment.

John