Today is Easter Sunday, and I woke up very depressed. I had tears in eyes for no reason at all. So I fixed up a small shot, and got ready for our family lunch. I think my depression is being caused by my use of Heroin. I had bad depression before I started using again.
About a month ago I was in a mild mania, and was able to start a new book chronicling my time with Jess. If you haven't read my blog before, Jess was a guy I was obsessed with for about five months. We dated for a short time, and I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship when we first started having sex. When I said I was finally ready for a relationship he said he wanted to keep the things as they were. Just a sexual relationship. I was heart broken. The book is part non fiction and part fiction. I'm not creative enough to write about something I just made up completely from my imagination.
The book is part erotic fiction, with a story line. I can write about sex in detail and not feel embarrassed about it in the least bit. I wrote my second book, Teenage Angst about my time in Middle school and high school as an out cast, who couldn't stand being near people. How I used pain medication and extasy, and shrooms, etc to make myself like people a little. I still don't like many people. I prefer to be alone. Although it would be nice to have a male companion who understands the ins and outs of Bi Polar, and addiction.
Now that I'm thinning out I've been getting a lot more male attention. When I was in Arizona I was asked out by a taxi driver, the same one who hooked me up with the Heroin. I was whistled at a number of times while walking from doctors office to doctors office while doctor shopping for Dilauded. I'm not going to lie it feels good to know men find me attractive once again. I'm still forty pounds away from my average weight of one hundred and forty pounds. If I keep on using, I will probably get down to 120lbs. Which at that weight I look like skin and bones. I truely look like death warmed over. Black circles around my eyes, not to mention the black eyeliner that I wear. Pale skin, tattered clothes with cigarette burns in everything I own. Never a smile on my face unless I feel that rush when I mainline. Then I feel better any other time I've known in life. Including orgasms.
I've enabled anon commenter's again. I feel people who read this blog have the right to express their feelings, and opinions. No matter how rude, cruel, or nice. I'm sure I'm going to get comments about how I'll never be attractive, and no matter how much weight I loose men will never want to be with me because I'm such a fucking loser. I get a lot of mean comments. It was just that one where the anon said I think that I'm like Kurt Cobain, or Elliott Smith, and that I was fat, ugly, and stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone would think that I have the audacity to think I have any talent at all. If I wanted to be compared to someone I would rather it be Anne Sexton, or Sylvia Plath. I do write poetry, but I burn most of it because its so bad. My parents have kept about five notebooks full of my poetry from my teenage years, mainly because I was published in a local Magazine. In my adult years writing poetry has been mostly about opiates, at least in some way. After Pete and I broke up(Pete my boyfriend for five years back when I was addicted badly and broke up with me after stealing 1,000 dollars from him) I wrote some romantic/love lorn poems. In a way my poems are still love lorn, but geared towards my love of opiates.
I will post a few poems in my next post just to show you how I haven't the talent Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath had. I relate a lot to Anne Sexton. I just read a book called Heroin and Genius, and it talked about all the talented people who were brought down by drugs, drink, suicide. Rimbaud was my favorite story, he was such an interesting man. I wish I had half his guts. I relate to Rimbaud because he burned his poems also. Some of them. No I'm not saying I have any talent at all. I just relate in very distant way.
Oh God, am I going to get shit for this post. I know non of you want to read poetry, so I'll make it two short poems. I assure you they are atrocious.