Sunday, April 24, 2011

Go ahead leave your anon comments, you have a right to say what you think/feel.

Today is Easter Sunday, and I woke up very depressed. I had tears in eyes for no reason at all. So I fixed up a small shot, and got ready for our family lunch. I think my depression is being caused by my use of Heroin. I had bad depression before I started using again.

About a month ago I was in a mild mania, and was able to start a new book chronicling my time with Jess. If you haven't read my blog before, Jess was a guy I was obsessed with for about five months. We dated for a short time, and I had told him I didn't want to be in a relationship when we first started having sex. When I said I was finally ready for a relationship he said he wanted to keep the things as they were. Just a sexual relationship. I was heart broken. The book is part non fiction and part fiction. I'm not creative enough to write about something I just made up completely from my imagination.

The book is part erotic fiction, with a story line. I can write about sex in detail and not feel embarrassed about it in the least bit. I wrote my second book, Teenage Angst about my time in Middle school and high school as an out cast, who couldn't stand being near people. How I used pain medication and extasy, and shrooms, etc to make myself like people a little. I still don't like many people. I prefer to be alone. Although it would be nice to have a male companion who understands the ins and outs of Bi Polar, and addiction.

Now that I'm thinning out I've been getting a lot more male attention. When I was in Arizona I was asked out by a taxi driver, the same one who hooked me up with the Heroin. I was whistled at a number of times while walking from doctors office to doctors office while doctor shopping for Dilauded. I'm not going to lie it feels good to know men find me attractive once again. I'm still forty pounds away from my average weight of one hundred and forty pounds. If I keep on using, I will probably get down to 120lbs. Which at that weight I look like skin and bones. I truely look like death warmed over. Black circles around my eyes, not to mention the black eyeliner that I wear. Pale skin, tattered clothes with cigarette burns in everything I own. Never a smile on my face unless I feel that rush when I mainline. Then I feel better any other time I've known in life. Including orgasms.

I've enabled anon commenter's again. I feel people who read this blog have the right to express their feelings, and opinions. No matter how rude, cruel, or nice. I'm sure I'm going to get comments about how I'll never be attractive, and no matter how much weight I loose men will never want to be with me because I'm such a fucking loser. I get a lot of mean comments. It was just that one where the anon said I think that I'm like Kurt Cobain, or Elliott Smith, and that I was fat, ugly, and stupid. I just couldn't believe that someone would think that I have the audacity to think I have any talent at all. If I wanted to be compared to someone I would rather it be Anne Sexton, or Sylvia Plath. I do write poetry, but I burn most of it because its so bad. My parents have kept about five notebooks full of my poetry from my teenage years, mainly because I was published in a local Magazine. In my adult years writing poetry has been mostly about opiates, at least in some way. After Pete and I broke up(Pete my boyfriend for five years back when I was addicted badly and broke up with me after stealing 1,000 dollars from him) I wrote some romantic/love lorn poems. In a way my poems are still love lorn, but geared towards my love of opiates.

I will post a few poems in my next post just to show you how I haven't the talent Anne Sexton or Sylvia Plath had. I relate a lot to Anne Sexton. I just read a book called Heroin and Genius, and it talked about all the talented people who were brought down by drugs, drink, suicide. Rimbaud was my favorite story, he was such an interesting man. I wish I had half his guts. I relate to Rimbaud because he burned his poems also. Some of them. No I'm not saying I have any talent at all. I just relate in very distant way.

Oh God, am I going to get shit for this post. I know non of you want to read poetry, so I'll make it two short poems. I assure you they are atrocious.

10 comments:

Gledwood said...

Hang on let me check the time.

Gledwood said...

OK I'm getting lost in this time difference. I think your time is set wrong, to LA time you need to go into setup and alter it to Central. Not that I'm anyone to talk about setup.

I do have that envelope sign under my posts. That's what you're talking about, yeah?

I am a bit all over the place. Not mentally ill. Just all over the place. Probably because I'm not using drugs or drinking alcohol. Not in withdrawal. Still on methadone. Just unable to fixate on anything that would calm me down. I'm on black coffee hoping it might hype me up but my mood is only normal now. Not really depressed any more hurrah!!!!! Obviously I want some controllable manic euphoria, that's what I really want.

I found 2 videos you might like, they're by a woman who had a bipolar breakdown. It sounds like a pretty extreme one the only thing she could do was her art. I'm not sure I'd be able to focus in that state. However I did still keep a blog. What I coudln't do was edit what I'd put, it just exploded out at me. I could read my own writing because that made sense to me, it's as much remembering what you put as decyphering a series of letters. But when someone blogged something about some parable or proverb I was totally lost in all the allusions.

I could just about follow blogs like yours because you write clearly. But I had to read it over and over to get the point. This is bad attention span to clear writing, not the other way round so don't get para that I said that.

By the way here's another video I found. Tell me if it reminds you of how other people sound when you're ultra-manic. Talking shit. The sentences make sense, but the whole does not. That's what the world turned into that's my reservation about mania, the madness.

Obviously I want the good mood back though and I'd rather be in a good mood on nothing than have to rely on some bastard to 1 pick up decent gear 2 bother to be around when I want him and 3 be organized enough to deliver it in good time. No I'm not paying for happiness.

Someone phoned me yesterday and tried to bang on at me to get gear I really didn't want to and I didn't. Still she really did my head in. It's bad enough being on heroin without other people trying to make you take it. I wasn't exactly going to call my dealer and wait around for ages and let her buy the gear while I just walked away was I?

I hope the meal etc went OK.

Probably all the nonusers will think the heroin caused the depression. I have a theory that heroin 1 raises depressed mood and 2 stops the mood cycling

so if you are in depression it'll stop you being depressed but keep you in the depression

you need to stay off it for a few days for the mood to cycle round again

something like that, also it doesn't seem to affect everyone that way whether they get bipolar moods or not

have a look at these videos and tell me what you think

i'll get you the link for the last one in a sec

it's here

http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/04/psychosis.html

tell me whether you related to how he sounds. that's how everyone sounded to me, at one point

Gledwood said...

that fucking LINK ISN'T RIGHT

http://gledwoodvideo.blogspot.com/2011/04/psychosis.html

it should say html at the end not ht

Gledwood said...

o for crying out loud if you can't find it i'm sticking it at the bottom of my post on my blog with your name next to it

Gledwood said...

publish the poems, post them! sorry to comment 5 times, i should have commented once but even if i diluted it all into one it will still say 5 then you'll wonder what the 1st 4 said

Anonymous said...

You 2 just a fucking room and get it on.

Gledwood said...

ha ha ha we r 3000 miles apart

Anna Grace said...

I assume anon is talking about Gledwood and I. We just have some similarites in life. I like his blog. I think he likes my blog. If there were a room I'd probably get it with him. LOL.

Christopher said...

I had a great Easter in my Buenos Aires apartments with my whole family!
It was a really great experience!
Cheers

Anonymous said...

Hi.

My name is Bernard.
I just wanted to tell you that you are my biggest inspiration. I love you.

Yours Sincerely

Bernard