Friday, April 29, 2011

Mixing pain pills and guns

That damn wedding is finally over, and now the TV is recapping it all. My God, I'm so sick of this wedding bullshit. If I ever get married Las Vegas and a drive thru window will do for me. Although I would like a small wedding on the beach in Hawaii. Small! I would also like to be loaded when I'm married.

Sometimes I get really high, and I get sick of it when its wearing off and that euphoria is gone, but your pupils are still pined and you keep nodding off no matter how hard you try to stay awake.

I'm off to weight watchers, I know that I lost 5lbs from weighing myself on our home scale. This junky diet is really working.

When my dad notices that I took all his pills, I'm afraid he won't leave for Arizona, and he won't let me go anywhere. I had a nightmare, that I was shooting up in my room, and my sister was there, and she saw me. She told my parents. My parents then ripped my room apart taking all my drugs and flushing them down the toilet. Trying to trap me in the house. As I tried to pack my things, and make my way over to the homeless shelter, or over to my friends house. I knew though in my dream that my friend couldn't help me out because she's in a very precarious position in her home life. Plus my friend is trying to stay clean, and wouldn't want me around using. I felt like a teenager not a 28 year old adult, who can leave anytime I want to.

If I get lucky and my dad doesn't notice the switch out of pills I did, I'm going to send a note with the pills down to Arizona that tells him that I took the real pills, and that I'm going back to the Methadone clinic.

Yesterday I saw my shrink, and I told him I was using, and you would never guess what he did. He gave me Narcan in case I overdose. Which was really cool of him. Although I will be by myself using and if I OD, I'm not going to get that Narcan in my system myself. He gave me the liquid form, and wrote me out a script to syringes to inject the Narcan. That's the first time my insurance ever paid for syringes. I have to keep the Narcan in the refrigerator, so I told my dad its a drug like Suboxone that keeps me from using. I told my friend that I got this Narcan, and if she knows I have Heroin and she calls which she does everyday and I don't answer that she should come over and give me a Narcan shot. It takes time to OD, it takes time for your lungs to stop working. I've never herd of someone ODing instantly. Its probably happened. Kurt Cobain took a mega dose, that would kill three men over again, and still he had the time to put a shot gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. I wonder if he shot up so much dope to make sure the gunshot didn't hurt,  or if he just wanted to make sure he died? Both probably.

Gledwood, will you marry me? Just thought I would ask. I loved your commentary on the wedding. Your so witty. My ideal Internet partner.

So, the point of this post is like the wedding today, I'm royally fucked. Dad's going to get sick. May 5th can't come fast enough. That's the day my dad leaves for Arizona. I will be free, but bored, and full of guilt, until his pills come via fed ex around the 6th, and I can overnight them to him with the note.

Sorry to go on and on about this, but its the only thing I'm thinking about. I'm sure you could care less weather my dad goes berserk and kills me for yet again stealing his pills. Tomorrow I get Methadone from a different friend. If he starts to get sick, I'll put 5mgs in his soda. Hold him over.

I'm making the drive down to Chicago again sometime after the 1st when I get my SSI. I won't be able to spend a huge amount, because I only have like 300 dollars to last me a month.

Gleds, about the guns in America. Its absurd. The only reason you can have a hand gun is for protection. eg: if someone breaks into your house you can shoot that person for trespassing. You have to get a special perment to get a concealed hand gun, and its rather hard to get. There are still considered for self protection, eg: a gun in your purse or glove compartment is in case you get mugged, or car jacked. America is split in half on the gun issues. It is in our constitution the right to bear arms. The right wingers don't want to loose that right. I imagine they are afraid of getting their hunting rifles, and shotguns taken away. I did once have a boyfriend who used a hand gun to shoot a deer. Willy was his name. He was my high school sweetheart. I was 15 and he was 20 when we started dating. I look back and think gross, he was child molesting. I felt so bad for that deer. He collected hand guns, not for protection, but for fun. He never planed on using it. Except when I broke up with him, he put one of the guns to his head. Its gang members, and serial killers that really show the cause to eliminate the right to bear arms from our constitution. Getting a gun is easy here, its the perments to carry them with you at all times that's hard to get. A lot of people get put in jail for carrying hand guns on their person without a perment.


Gledwood said...

I went and replied to this at mine, then realized I should have written it here.

Yes we should get cybermarried then we can be partners in cyber space for ever and ever till death do us part.

It's not boring you always say it's boring and it never is. Especially your stories about prison. That woman shitting in the shower had me howling with laughter so much this morning I thought I was going down with schizophrenia!!!!

That's one of the symptoms of schizophrenia I found out I have. God knows how that dr knew I had schizophrenia but he somehow discerned it through the haze of bipolar. I looked into the symptoms and found out "inappropriate laughter" was one. I was laughing the other day when someone was really ill and had to apologize saying my brain was "unfocused because I had just woken up" I don't think that cut much mustard but better apologize than look plain evil.

Whatever other symptoms I have got I don't know. O yeah because I was all over the place really badly when I was mentally ill. Losing money. Barely able to look after my own housekeys. It got that bad. It's better now, but not as much better as it should be. So I feel like a big fucking baby. Luckily I'm quite articulate; if I wasn't I'd probably end up in hospital far easier.

I almost wish I had gone in when asked (twice). I got tired of looking after myself like a 3 year old child. I'm quite depressed about this mental diagnosis I have got. I looked it up thinking it wasn't me but it is me. I still don't get how he knew about the schizophrenia though. If he'd seen my house he'd probably go "yeah you're mad" but he never saw my house.

I did once say "I could have come in here really horrible but I washed my clothes yesterday" and then complained about being so fucked up I could barely get it together to put change into the machines. And it had taken me literally 5 hours to decide to go out, gather dirty clothes together, pour detergent in a bottle, get huge tartan bags for the clothes, find my house keys, get the right change and actually get to that laundrette. I described all this because I really was feeling unwell badly and was fed up of living life knowing I had some sort of mental symptoms and the drugs workers never helping me.

Now they all know but I'm not OK I'm probably on the wrong meds. I only stopped taking them to try and get happy again but it didn't work. Now I don't even know who my dr is as I got passed to this other clinic who said I needed to see a dr not a nurse (why waste time seeing a nurse anyhow?) now they haven't written back and reception took my appointment letter so I've nobody to phone back to find out my new appointment. Typical fuck up.

Sorry to go on about this here but this is what is depressing me. Feeling ill most of the time and not knowing what to do. Knowing it's at least entertaining to go crazy (apart from the very severe mania stage and the paranoia which comes whether I'm manic or not) the other stuff doesn't bother me the way you might think it does eg the walls telling jokes I find quite funny.

Gledwood said...

I don't want to be mad but I hate being sane. By sane I don't mean happy or healthy. I mean as sane as I get. "Sane" as in really flat and minorly depressed and still not feeling OK. Then I get into real depression where I just feel sick physically as well as mentally.

So there are 4 states I get into and none is really healthy I probably shouldn't think about it, I get criticized on my blog for talking about it. But those people who do that haven't been told they're schizoaffective have they. And then looked up the symptoms and found out they have them. Including "negative symptoms" which you don't get with bipolar, and mean I'm really fucking lazy, can't set goals any more and find it really hard just doing basic stuff like keeping my clothes clean and showering.

Probably I should have emailed this but hey someone neither of us knows can have a good laugh at it. I might post this on my blog one day when I don't know what to say, hey.

Now I'm the one apologizing for being boring. Boring and irrelevant. I felt so sick this afternoon. In a bad mood, depressed. Took a walk and it did nothing to cheer me up, I just felt worse. So I end up at home never wanting to go out. When I do go out I irritably crowd back home, glad I have nothing else forcing me outside that day. Scoring drugs is no exception, its really stressful and I've often not done it because it barely seems worth the hassle. I met a new one the other day who's quite nice as dealers go. But the gear is crap so don't be jealous. Also I'll be giving up again very soon. I am not just saying that I really mean it. I did a good 3 months without anything approaching regular heroin use which is an all time first for me.

That's why I want my "elevated mood" back. It put me more anti-drugs than I've ever been in my life. Being high on life and all.

Anyway I hope you're less depressed than I was earlier on. I felt horrible!!

Danny said...

i think its a marvel that people on medication can rhyme of all the names of their meds and know what they all do...i thought it was only clever doctors could do that, but no, my ex, Kimba was on so many meds and she could reel off all the names like it was nothing to her...fuck, i have trouble remembering my first and last names at times!

in regards Kurt Cobain, i've read a few things about how he died, and don't you think its weird that he was so fulla smack yet was able to pick up a shotgun and blow his head off? and you know what a FACT on the whole thing is? there were no fingerprints found on the gun or on the bullet ain't that something...there's people have all sorts of theories as to who killed him then, from, Courtney, to the mafia, to the illuminati to the CIA...i have a feeling though like everything (9/11, JFK) there is a lot more truth to Kurt's suicide than what is known in the mainstream...

Gledwood - hope you're feeling better soon, though i'm not suprised you're feeling low with all the wedding shite...its making me sad being on every channel i got, but you got it right on your doorstep there...ahhh!!!!!

Gledwood said...

Thanks for your comment my cyberdarling but I can't figure out how my post is meant to have changed. I didn't edit it at all, honest!

Danny: I was quite depressed during the royal wedding which is why I never connected with the joy, more the sarcasm of the day ho-ho!