I hate myself more than you hate me. They say people without jobs have lower self esteem. Well I do believe that to be true. Yet when I had a job, I would still go up and down in moods. I even attempted suicide while working. I started to mainline H when I had a job. Am I a statistic? Yes. When I say hate I mean HATE. I'm not even a good Heroin addict. I always loose connections. Unlike Gledwood who can keep a connection even after he quite using. I guess you just have to be in a big city. In Honolulu was the only place I had a regular connection. Other wise I doctor shopped.
The two things that I think about are killing myself, and using Heroin. Thinking about using makes me anxious, thinking of offing myself makes me feel peaceful. I did Gledwoods test on his blog and I scored a 51 severely depressed, and suicidal ideations. NO I'm not going to a doctor. All I want is a big shot of H, and a bottle of Ambien, and just fall asleep forever.
I have no friends. Aside from using friends, which we all know are not real friends. They are out to take your dope every chance they get. Some aren't above killing you for your money if you have alot, and they can get their hands on it after your dead. Thankfully my connections where not evil like that.
I think about my Hep C and I hope that it hurry up and kills me. Put me on diamorphine drip and kill me off that way. God, I would kiss that doctors feet if he hooked me up to diamorphine drip, and kept upping my dose until the inevitable happens.
I hate being sad, but when I'm in an even mood, I miss the comfort in being sad. Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever herd? When I'm in a manic mood, the world is at my feet. I love the manic episodes, but I'm more of depressive manic depressive.
If when I get home and make the decision to use those ten bags of H and use it to OD, I will post a goodbye post. With my luck I will again survive another attempt. I think of the people I hurt, and I had decided to do this even though my parents are alive and will be devastated. I'm selfish, self involved, vain, and not worth the air I breath.