Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Hate myself more than you, what should I do.

I hate myself more than you hate me. They say people without jobs have lower self esteem. Well I do believe that to be true. Yet when I had a job, I would still go up and down in moods. I even attempted suicide while working. I started to mainline H when I had a job. Am I a statistic? Yes. When I say hate I mean HATE. I'm not even a good Heroin addict. I always loose connections. Unlike Gledwood who can keep a connection even after he quite using. I guess you just have to be in a big city. In Honolulu was the only place I had a regular connection. Other wise I doctor shopped.

The two things that I think about are killing myself, and using Heroin. Thinking about using makes me anxious, thinking of offing myself makes me feel peaceful. I did Gledwoods test on his blog and I scored a 51 severely depressed, and suicidal ideations. NO I'm not going to a doctor. All I want is a big shot of H, and a bottle of Ambien, and just fall asleep forever.

I have no friends. Aside from using friends, which we all know are not real friends. They are out to take your dope every chance they get. Some aren't above killing you for your money if you have alot, and they can get their hands on it after your dead. Thankfully my connections where not evil like that.

I think about my Hep C and I hope that it hurry up and kills me. Put me on diamorphine drip and kill me off that way. God, I would kiss that doctors feet if he hooked me up to diamorphine drip, and kept upping my dose until the inevitable happens.

I hate being sad, but when I'm in an even mood, I miss the comfort in being sad. Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever herd? When I'm in a manic mood, the world is at my feet. I love the manic episodes, but I'm more of depressive manic depressive.

If when I get home and make the decision to use those ten bags of H and use it to OD, I will post a goodbye post. With my luck I will again survive another attempt. I think of the people I hurt, and I had decided to do this even though my parents are alive and will be devastated. I'm selfish, self involved, vain, and not worth the air I breath.


Verity Vaudeville said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Verity Vaudeville said...

I think you welcome the sadness because it means you feel something at all. It's a sign that you are still alive, that it's not all over just yet. Maybe you're not really an iceberg afterall.

Meanwhile nothing could ever touch the gnawing monotony that lurks in the background of every mind numbing day. Give me a reason to live, or a reason to die. I'm through with the grey shades.

Boomer said...

Yo man dis Boomer. Why you ain't called my cell? I got dimes, twenties, boy girl everything y'all want. Call me quick before dat there venom runs out and we back to Obama dope

Gledwood said...

Honey have you talked to your doctor? He's not medicating you right if you feel this shitty.

I'm depressed because I'm not on mood stabilizer and I want a manic episode back.

I wish I could advise something grown up and mature but I don't want to say anything stupid sounding.

My connexions by the way are all dying. You have to understand we had the WORST drought ever. Literally the worst drought there has ever been since there was a heroin trade in this country (since the mid 60s) hit last winter and things are still fucked up.

Eg the local man who thinks he is God's gift is selling point ones for ten pounds, two of these for fifteen. Now that's a shitty deal.

My proper man, who is hardly ever on because he just can't pick up "fire dope" as you call it Stateside ~ he does point three for fifteen pounds.

To convert pounds to dollars add half as much again so fifteen pounds is twenty five dollars, very roughly.

We used to get half grams for fifteen pounds or at the very least point fours, and that was shit hot gear. We'd wait all morning for the man to turn up as he had so many eager customers and delivered by car.

It's all shit now. A lot of gear won't even inject, unless you cool it down so the beach sand looking stuff crystalizes out in the spoon not blocking up the works. This is because lots of idiots smoke it now and I just do not understand that mentality I'm a junkie, I love needles and I inject.

Yeah I know this is all unhealthy talk but I feel like half-death. I self medicate because I feel miserable. No treatment they have ever given me has worked against depression. Of course it worked against mania because I was happy being manic so long as I didn't spin too far out of control in to ga-ga land (which I did every day in the peak of it). When I was manic, as I said, I was more anti drugs than you can believe. Why take drugs when you're already higher than ANY drug can take you? That's how high I went and I want my high back. My higher power!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I don't know what to say, Anna. Just don't do it to your poor parents, please. They've already lost one child. It's too much to put them through.

You know I love you.