Well, today I had to take some of my dad's pain pills. I hate doing this, and am terrified he will find out. I know he's going to find out, but I just dread that day. It will be next week Monday or Tuesday when he refills his pill box.
I woke up not being able to sit still. My legs were jerking uncontrollably, my heart rate was high, I couldn't focus on anything. So I made the bold move to steal the pills. Now I'm so much calmer, not depressed, not happy, just even. Just another mundane day here in Wisconsin. Nothing good is on the TV. So I figured I'd blog. Let you people who read this be bored by my pointless post.
I'll talk about my time in jail. I've been in jail five times, only two of those for more than a day. My first time in jail for 13 days, I was not allowed my medications, because at the time I didn't have a shrink. Plus I was withdrawing from Methadone 140mgs. I would have these intense dreams about using. I would wake up in the middle of the night not knowing that I had actually fallen asleep, thinking I just used, and would have to look at my arm to see no new pin pricks. From being in withdrawal, and being bi polar, I aimed to attempt suicide in jail. I didn't have anything sharp, but a pencil, so I was going to stab myself with the pencil in my jugular. I ended up thinking if I told the guards I was going crazy I would get into the Mental hospital(much better than jail). Well it didn't work that way. I told the guard I was thinking of suicide but I didn't really want to do it and hurt my parents. So suddenly two guards came into my cell and took me out. They told me I had two choices, either go into solitary confinement naked for three days, or be put in four point restraints. Since I was sick, and I didn't want a cell mate I chose the three days. I did my three days...and you can read the rest in my book I Hate Myself and Want to Die, coming out in September, by Trafford Publishing house.
During my 77 days in jail, I was given Bi Polar medication, along with anxiety medication. This is because first I had a shrink, and second it was a jail in a different county. The jail I was in for 13 days was in Green Bay, the jail I was in for 77 days was in Oshkosh. Oshkosh was a much better jail. It still sucked, but at the end of that 77 days I was free and clear. No probation, no worries about the law, plus I was going to start getting SSI. I won't say I wasn't depressed, as I cried like a baby, I was again withdrawing from 140mgs of Methadone. I was sick for about the first month, then it got better. While in jail I was so afraid that one of my parents was going to die, and I wouldn't be let out to go to their funeral. For those of you have ever been in jail, you know how people write on the walls I love so and so. Usually a boyfriends name, well I wrote I love mom and dad everywhere.
I was kept in Pod A, which was the mental health pod. Pods are cell blocks. I moved cells four times. For one day I was accidentally moved into gen pop, but was taken out before the days end. The nurse noticed the mistake. I didn't eat for 16 days, they put me on a liquid diet, and gave me soda. So I wouldn't die. They even threatened me with solitary for attempting suicide by starvation. I told the nurse I just couldn't eat because I was withdrawing from Methadone, and I was depressed. Which was the truth. I wanted to see the light at the end of being in jail. I ended up getting a kidney stone. Which is the worse pain in the fucking world, and they didn't bring me to the hospital until after I passed the stone. The pain killer I got was Tylenol. I was writhing in pain. The whole experience sucked. I didn't learn anything except how to be a better criminal. I think like a criminal now. What can I steal? How can I get away with this? Shit like that.
I got out two weeks before Xmas, and it was the best Xmas present I ever gotten.