Okay, I'm going to explain the ins and outs of my bi polar mania. As per Gledwood request.
Before I started Bi Polar medications, I would get these really grandiose feelings. I was the best at whatever I was doing, I could do no wrong. Nothing in my life could go wrong. I would talk, talk, talk. Those of you use Heroin, you know that feeling when your high, not super high, just feeling great, and you want to talk, about anything? That's how I talked. I wouldn't sleep for days straight. The longest time I've ever gone without sleep is 5 full days. I was put in a mental hospital during this mania. The main reason I was put in the hospital, is because I was seeing a bear with no eyes, and he was following me. He stood on two feet, it was more a man in a bears costume with no eyes. I became very paranoid and accused my parents of wanting to kill me because I was so much better than them. I had an overly high self esteem. This happened when I was on drugs, Dilauded, and it still didn't even me out. It felt more like I was on Crystal Meth. Oh god, and sex, I wanted sex so badly. I HAD so much sex.
There is a lot of contradictions in how I felt and acted. Doctors thought I was on Crystal Meth, but I was on Dilauded. Even in the hospital during a forced sobriety, I should have gone through withdrawals, but I never felt a thing. I was just happy. Happy even though I was in a locked mental ward. Still I couldn't shake the paranoia, and that damn man in a bears costume with no eyes was after me.
I was bull rushed by an all male staff one night after getting violent with a nurse because she was forcing me take medication that wasn't Dilauded. I got a shot in the ass of Haldol, and Advant, and put in a padded room for 8 hours. In this room I talked to myself for hours on end, laughing at how hysterical I was. Finally the Haldol, and Advant did its job and I finally slept.
God this is hard to explain. I've never really had to put into words how I feel when I'm manic.
Before medication my moods swung wildly. From month to month, I was up and down. Getting hospitalized for both mania, and depression. They would prescribe me meds but I wouldn't take them so I could get happy again. I used to tell my mom I just want to get happy again. Those of you who have taken a first hit of Crystal Meth sort of know what a mania is like. Sorta! You feel like you can do anything, and be anyone, go anywhere, be anything. I would repeat myself over and over. Think the same thought over and over. Then suddenly have a million thoughts crash into one, and all those pieces of thoughts were thought over and over again. I don't think you can understand how that feels unless you've experienced it. I'm always very productive during a mania, I clean, read, write, take care of all affairs needed to be tended to.
Now that I'm on medication, my moods don't swing as often. Probably ever two months really bad swings. Normally I'm just depressed. No matter what anti depressant they put me on.
This is really hard for me to write. It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to be happy again.
Just to be clear I didn't and don't always see an eyeless bear. That was a one time mania. Although I always have feelings of paranoia when I'm manic. I believe that everyone is talking about me, and why wouldn't they, I am after all God's gift, or so I felt.