Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How do explain something no one can understand without going through it.

Okay, I'm going to explain the ins and outs of my bi polar mania. As per Gledwood request.

Before I started Bi Polar medications, I would get these really grandiose feelings. I was the best at whatever I was doing, I could do no wrong. Nothing in my life could go wrong. I would talk, talk, talk. Those of you use Heroin, you know that feeling when your high, not super high, just feeling great, and you want to talk, about anything? That's how I talked. I wouldn't sleep for days straight. The longest time I've ever gone without sleep is 5 full days. I was put in a mental hospital during this mania. The main reason I was put in the hospital, is because I was seeing a bear with no eyes, and he was following me. He stood on two feet, it was more a man in a bears costume with no eyes. I became very paranoid and accused my parents of wanting to kill me because I was so much better than them. I had an overly high self esteem. This happened when I was on drugs, Dilauded, and it still didn't even me out. It felt more like I was on Crystal Meth. Oh god, and sex, I wanted sex so badly. I HAD so much sex.

There is a lot of contradictions in how I felt and acted.  Doctors thought I was on Crystal Meth, but I was on Dilauded. Even in the hospital during a forced sobriety, I should have gone through withdrawals, but I never felt a thing. I was just happy. Happy even though I was in a locked mental ward. Still I couldn't shake the paranoia, and that damn man in a bears costume with no eyes was after me. 

I was bull rushed by an all male staff one night after getting violent with a nurse because she was forcing me take medication that wasn't Dilauded. I got a shot in the ass of Haldol, and Advant, and put in a padded room for 8 hours. In this room I talked to myself for hours on end, laughing at how hysterical I was. Finally the Haldol, and Advant did its job and I finally slept.

God this is hard to explain. I've never really had to put into words how I feel when I'm manic.

Before medication my moods swung wildly. From month to month, I was up and down. Getting hospitalized for both mania, and depression. They would prescribe me meds but I wouldn't take them so I could get happy again. I used to tell my mom I just want to get happy again. Those of you who have taken a first hit of Crystal Meth sort of know what a mania is like. Sorta! You feel like you can do anything, and be anyone, go anywhere, be anything. I would repeat myself over and  over. Think the same thought over and over. Then suddenly have a million thoughts crash into one, and all those pieces of thoughts were thought over and over again. I don't think you can understand how that feels unless you've experienced it. I'm always very productive during a mania, I clean, read, write, take care of all affairs needed to be tended to.

Now that I'm on medication, my moods don't swing as often. Probably ever two months really bad swings. Normally I'm just depressed. No matter what anti depressant they put me on.

This is really hard for me to write. It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to be happy again.
Just to be clear I didn't and don't always see an eyeless bear. That was a one time mania. Although I always have feelings of paranoia when I'm manic. I believe that everyone is talking about me, and why wouldn't they, I am after all God's gift, or so I felt.


Gledwood said...

I love the bit about refusing the medication as it wasn't Dilaudid!!!

You really love your Dilaudid, doncha!

Yeah that's how I feel when I'm manic. I only had one swing when I went fully psychotic; I saw no bears. What did happen was the walls and the ceiling kept talking to me, constantly, every day for days on end.

I saw an amazing vision by staring at a blank wall. It flickered, colours appeared and abstract shapes that kept moving... pretty amazing.

When I get manic my head is usually lit up from the inside. This means if I close my eyes I can see vivid moving pictures. It makes it really hard to get to sleep.

I was mildly hyper today but felt more agitated, irritable and anxious than high. I get a lot of mood swings too. Either straight depression that lasts weeks, or mood swings. I hardly ever am in a "normal" mood, except for maybe a day or two.

Someone asked me a question: how did I know what I was feeling when I took heroin and valium today. Well I was very anxious before I took the valium, then I realized my thoughts had been racing, they continued to race on the Valium but without the feeling of agitation. The heroin calmed me down still further, yet my mind was still skipping all over the place.

I'm always more extreme the FEWER drugs I take. I had mild mood swings for years but they only became extreme recently when I gave up heroin at the end of last year. As you know it was depression that drew me into using again. I'd much prefer to use nothing and feel the natural high.

But as my depression faded I remembered how I really feel when I'm not depressed. Yes there are days, usually several days on end where my mood goes high on the mania, but there's a lot of irritation and agitation in there too, and on bad days paranoia too. You have to take the rough with the smooth though, and I'd rather feel that way than depressed.

I'm going to talk to my dr about what other meds I could try. In his words "I want you to take my drugs now, and not your drugs" so he certainly doesn't mind me taking psych meds. He's seen me pretty full-on manic. I've never seen a shrink looked so shocked as when I walked in there totally off my head on nothing at all bar my own psychosis. Most patients in that clinic are messed up because they're ON drugs. I was messed up because I was OFF drugs. I asked time and again whether methadone could be making me hear voices and got told no it can't be that. Well that's what THEY want me to believe. Personally I don't know what to think. Everyone has their agenda and I think my "illness" is merely my way of coping with a shit world. Without that I'd have no way of coping at all and would end up dead. So the "illness" has kept me alive... that's the way I see it, sometimes..(!)

Thanks for sharing that story. Nobody ever explains what mania is like so I don't know if/how it differs from my own. I'd say it differs from speed in that mania is WAY faster I have way more energy and eventually I am higher. In the mild mania I'm not always as high as I might be on uppers, but in the extreme mania I'm definitely higher... that's how I remember it and that's why I'd like some of it back!

Gledwood said...

What's Advant? I looked it up and no joy. It said do you mean Ativan? I said I don't know, it was Anna Grace's spelling~!!

I know what you mean about not feeling the sickness because you were high. I had terrible trouble remembering my methadone doses when I was hyper. And I was living in late January with the windows wide open; I only realized I was cold when my hands seized up, preventing me from typing fluently.

Surely they should have given you methadone if you were opiate dependent, though? Here you'd get titrated (which means slow-tortured) until it held you. If you're on a script you get the script automatically. Does that happen if you have an American script, or do they make you sick it out? It wouldn't surprise me if they made you sick it out.

That's what I wanted to ask you about prison: do they give you any meds at all for drug addiction or are you expected to come off cold Turkey? That must be fun, being as such a high proportion of inmates are opiate-dependent. In America they said it was 8% and lower in some counties but here it's over 50% in pretty much all areas. Heroin use was extremely widespread here, before those idiots in charge of the trade fucked it up meaning quality fell through the floor, basically making it no longer worth scoring any more.

Well it's nearly 3am and I'd better go beddybyes. Great post. You should put up some more stuff about bipolar. I'm sure someone will find some way of insulting you because of it. Even though it's a genetic condition that clearly runs in families and was first noted by Greek physicians before the birth of Christ..!

My family wanted me to believe mine was all down to drugs. Then I looked it up and there's no such thing as drug-induced bipolar in psychiatry. You can have a drug-induced mania, a drug-induced depression or a drug-induced paranoid psychosis; but there's no drug-induced condition that cycles between high and low. But they still want to believe I'm somehow different. Where we agree is that we both believe the drugs were a contributing factor; but it's ridiculous to believe they're the only cause. I have a mother with recurrent depression and I looked up the heritability of bipolar schozoaffective and found my chances of getting it are something like 25 times higher than average because the genes run in families...