Well as of this morning all of my dad's pills are gone. He has two days left, and then nothing. How could I be so selfish to let another addict go sick. He will never allow me to give him Methadone I bought on the black market, so I plan on trying to dose him. Not with much, as I'm afraid his tolerance isn't what mine is. 10 to 20mgs is what I plan on giving him in his soda or coffee. I'm not sure what amount of Oxycodon 5mgs is compared to Methadone. I'll have to research it. I know at the clinic they start you off at 30mgs no matter what your addicted to, and how potent it is.
My post last night was in the heat of the moment. I was sobbing, and felt so guilty and I just wanted to end it all, but I have things to live for. Plus if I killed myself and my dad didn't have his pills he would go nuts. He may even kill himself. He has told me if I died he would kill himself. So in reality if I kill myself I'll be committing murder. If there is a hell, I will surely burn.
I have my book coming out and that is a good reason to stay alive. Not hurting my parents even worse than disappointing them with my relapse is a good reason to stay alive. My book Teenage Angst is a good reason to stay alive to see if I find a publisher, along with the book I'm writing now about my relationships with men. A very sexual book. No title as of yet. Notice the theme here all about me. Narcissistic! Self involved! Selfish! Stupid! All words that describe me.
I'm also getting some Heroin today. I'm going to save that for before I go back to the Methadone clinic so I have it in my system, and not Methadone so the clinic doesn't know I've been buying Methadone off the black market. They might not except me if I'm using Methadone without a prescription. I'm not sure of their policy. Even though when I went to the Methadone clinic in Hawaii I had Methadone in my system and they dosed me that day, but I also had a prescription from a doctor in Michigan who gave me the Methadone in lue of Dilauded.
I wish that my favorite bloggers blogged more. Come on Bmelonsandlemondade, Gledwood, John(pinsandgrins) Danny, Melodylee, and the rest of you I follow. HeroinHead hasn't put out a new post in ages. Aside from the one the other day in respect of a writer who died.
What else can I say, were all gay. Stolen words.