I'm in so much pain right now. I'm not sick, but so depressed it hurts. I keep thinking Anna, you can stay alive to see your book through. THE BOOK IS SHIT! The title rings true, I really do hate myself and want to die. I can't take credit for the title though, I got it from reading Heavier that Heaven about Kurt Cobain, where I learned Kurt wanted to title In Utero, I hate myself and want to die.
Some people read this blog and think I'm interesting, and can write about my life honestly. In reality this blog is all I have. It saves me from the suicidal thoughts rolling around and around in my head. Right now I can't stop crying. I'm so lonely, and just wish I had the guts to end it all.
I know this post is going to be every one's least favorite, but I'm writing it for myself.
I always wanted to be a singer songwriter. Turns out I have no talent. I have no ear for music. I love to listen to it though. I was so inspired by Kurt Cobain, and then he went and killed himself. I think fuck I don't even know the real person that Kurt was, and our up bringings are nothing alike. The only thing we have in common is an addiction and depression, millions of us do have that in common with him. I just wanted to be something special and it turns out I'm just normal. Everything I hate about other people, is what I hate most about myself.
Oh god, my eye makeup is all over my face. Why doesn't lighting strike me down right now. Why are we made to suffer through this life. Why do I drive past people on the street and wonder how they can wake up each morning not needing any kind of drug to stave off the sadness. How can they be so blissfully unaware? How are they happy? Sometimes driving past a family I just burst into tears and wish I could switch brains with them.
Do I make myself so sad? How do I stop? Its so hard to get off drugs, and I did it once, it just seems so impossible now.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm so lost. This world is so big, and my place is so small. I'm afraid if I die with no children I won't have anything for anyone to remember me by. This scares me to no end. I'm so vain, and narcissistic that I can't even let myself die without leaving something behind for people to remember me by.
I can't stand when people think I think I'm anything like Kurt Cobain. I'm nothing like him, I'm Anna Young and I have my own issues, and problems. I don't need his.
I can't say anything more.