Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Getting hooked on heroin

My mood has shrunk down, and now I wish I was strangled in utero by my mothers umbilical cord. I called all my sources in Green Bay for Heroin, and no one is holding. At least I'm not sick. Fuck I'd rather be dead that have to live this fucking useless life. I hate being your fucking entertainment. Still I write this fucking blog. I love the comfort in being sad. I know where I am, how things are going to feel, if only I could sleep. I have been taking Ambien at all times of the day, but it doesn't put me head down. It actually makes me more anxious. I could take being sad if it weren't for the anxiety. Waiting on call backs from dealers, Christ that makes me so fucking anxious, I have no finger nails left from biting them to the cuticles waiting on dealers.

I was so happy yesterday, and then I wake up this morning, (yes I can sleep at night) and my hands are shaking from anxiety. My nose is runny, I keep yawning, my eyes are watering. Its as if I'm making myself dope sick. Just mild shit, diarrhea, but I expect that from using. I was constipated for 10 fucking years. Not having opiates to rely on when I'm sad is truly a pathetic sight. I don't shower, my crotch stinks. My armpits stink. My hair is all greasy. My underwear have streaks in them from not taking time to wipe good. My anus bleeds when I take a shit. I think its still torn from having anal sex four years ago. Then being constipated on top of that for 10 years, I probably have hemorrhoids. Fuck what am I talking about.

I would go back to the Methadone clinic, but I'm losing weight so fast off of it, I don't want to be fat ever again. I'm down to 160lbs, don't know how many stones that is, but its a lot better than the 215lbs that I was. I have no money for new clothes, so I just wear this white dress all the time, and its too big on me, so my boobs fall out all the time. My bras are too big on me, so its pointless to put one on. At least my boobs don't sag, I was so worried about that with loosing this weight.

1 comment:

Gledwood said...

Don't go on methadone for the sake of it if you can avoid it. It's shitty stuff.

I know how you feel. I sleep all night and all afternoon. I wake up feeling shit. I know what you mean about the security of being miserable. At least you know where you are. I always think I see things clearly when I'm at my highest and lowest. It's the in-betweens that are a load of bullshit.

Tomorrow I get my pills refill so I probably will feel even worse.

I wish I could get off opiates. I know someone who sells Suboxones so there's always the chance of an unofficial switch-over.

I had no gear today. I keep craving it. Not the fucking shit they sell today, but the stuff they had up until the end of last summer. Proper gear. But that doesn't exist any more. So I'm craving a nothingness.

I know exactly how you feel. I remember not even having a physical habit and yet ringing my dealer at 6 in the morning desperate for heroin because I was craving it so much. As soon as I went on heroin I found it hopeless trying to stop or even do a day without. Hopeless.

Don't you think they should shoot addicts by firing squad? That way you get out of committing suicide and still get to be dead. Best of both worlds!