Friday, May 20, 2011

I want to be a Harlem Globe trotter and get paid in candy, but life doesn't work like that.

I went to see my shrink today, so I couldn't have my morning shot. I don't want to get physically addicted again, so I'm trying to use every 48 hours. Its not working out that way though. I had a poke as soon as I got home. My Doctor put me on Welbutrin(spelling error) along with my Lexapro to stave off this depression I'm in when I'm not nodding out. I went to get the pills filled and my insurance company wouldn't pay for it without pre authorization. So the pharmacy is going to call me when my shrink authorizes the Welbutrin. I tried to get my Adderal filled, but apparently its too early in the month to get them filled. I'm out early because I gave some to a friend's brother.

My publisher wants to change the name of my book, "I Hate Myself and Want to Die", so I'm suppose to be thinking of names. I pretty stuck on I hate myself and want to die. They think it will scare people off. Plus my cover of a girl hanging herself is too graphic. I love that picture. The publisher is mocking up some covers for me to choose from, and giving me hints on what they want me to name the book. A Life Upside Down, is what my coordinator has suggested. FUCK that I hate that title as much as I hate myself. I'm going to stick to my guns on the title I want to name it what the fuck I want to name it. I've been reading the book over and over, I have the damn thing memorized by now, and I think I swear too much in it. Mainly in the first part. Also I wrote the book like poor me, my life is so fucked up and I can't save myself. In the end we all have to save ourselves. People who buy the book( I hope all of you reading) will think I'm a big whiner. Have I ever whined on here? I don't think so. I don't remember all my posts. So I might just be a big whiner, or a big wiener.

Gledwood, I have turned over the cushions, but still they are going to notice the burns in the carpet. I laughed at that comment, like I wouldn't have the common sense to turn them over. LOL! I love you. HMU BTW! HMU means hit me up. Like email me.


Anonymous said...

Dont change the title, it rocks :)

Gledwood said...

I didn't want to say this at the time but "I hate myself and I want to die" is from something else, surely? Isn't it the title of a record or something?

If the fucking shrink has prescribed the shit surely that counts as authorization. I'm glad I don't live in America. I would never see a fucking dr if I had to pay for it.

My American friend told me I would live under a bridge if I lived in America. That is probably true.

You could try buying carpet thread to sew up the holes in the rug, couldn't you...?

I still feel like shit. Good on ya for getting off that SHITTY METHADONE waste of space drug.

Anna Grace said...

The title was taken from what kurt cobain wanted to title in utero I hate myself and want to die, but the record company wouldn't let him. I credit him in the book for the title.

Midnitefyrfly said...

I love your title. I also think the title of your blog would be great for your book, but what do I know? lol
Reading your blog is a lot like watching your life through a window. I can relate to so many of the ups and down.s you go through- I know I have said that before. I think I could be a mirror image of you if I hadn't had kids. They ground me somehow and keep me fighting my mental health and addiction issues.

I have never wanted to phase out and not feel my life which is why I have never drifted towards H, but instead since I have kids, I have always wanted this hell that exists in my mind to become tolerable so I can be a functional mother with some kind of worth.

Sometimes I just wish meth was legal.... cause I hate the crapshoot of finding meds that work.

I am so happy that you have your book. I really want to get there someday. I wish I had a publisher to speak of, but hell I don't even have my book yet.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

It's your damn book. Make it what you want. Don't let them push you around.