Monday, May 2, 2011

Stealing your father's pain pills. How low will you go?

First things first, he didn't notice. *sigh* Second, I'm going to Chicago tomorrow for more dope. *sigh*
Third, Osama Bin Landen is dead. *uh, oh well* My dad made me look at the picture of Bin Laden shot in the head. Once he had me look up be headings, and we found one. I watched the damn thing. I thought they would cut his head off with a sword in one fell swoop, but nope the took a knife, and it took time. You could hear him trying to scream even though his throat was cut. I still have a hard time thinking about that. Okay enough of the macabre.

I still have some H left over from the g that I bought, but soon it will be gone, and I thought I'd stock up.

Now I just have to worry about my dad getting sick, or having back pains. I bought some vicoden from a friend and put it in the Tylenol for him. If his back is hurting and he needs something extra he always goes for the Tylenol. Hopefully that will work. I just got enough for him until his pills come this week. He leaves before they get here, which means he's going to have to go two to three days without any opiates.

I was so worried about this pill thing, that all I did today was lay in bed with my dog. I have silk sheets that I bought, and a nice down comforter that I bought, and its really comfortable. I only did a small shot of dope today, and I can feel that I'm already getting sick.

I woke up this morning with the shakes. I don't think it was withdrawal shakes, I think it was nerves. I put off fixing until around noon, and I layed in my bed just wondering what my dad was going to do when he noticed. Then around 5, about an hour ago, I decided I needed to make plans for more dope. So I texted so and so. They said tomorrow, I said okay. I'm excited to see what kind I get. Brown or white? Who knows maybe black tar. I doubt it. I had been listening for my dad to do his pills all day, at 5:30 I went over to a friends house to pick up so and so's money to bring down to Chicago with me tomorrow so I can get so and so some dope. When I got home I looked at my dad's pill box and it was full, and he didn't say a word. I don't know what to do with myself now. I'm still worried. I feel like scum for this.

I also called the Methadone clinic today, and they can't get me in until the 18th and that's not even for sure. My ex councilor said they may not even take me back on because of my mental health problems. How can they not take me because I have such severe mental health issues? Isn't that against the fucking law. I want help to stop, or I know I'll die, but now the Methadone clinic has to put my case through a review. I could have screamed.

So that's the low down.


Gledwood said...

Do you really want methadone so much? It will turn you back into an addict. You accomplished so much when you came off opiates. I just wish I could stop them too.

I'm not taking any gear tomorrow I can't afford to do it. I have a clinic appointment. I don't want to do anything except stay in but I have to run around. My clean clothes are too soaking wet to wear but at least they're clean (well half clean; I washed them myself).

I'm glad there has been no major hassle re your Dad's pills.

I have to go now it's 5am.Take care

naomi said...

put off fixing? congrats; you have more willpower than i! my methadone got puked up by my stomach ulcer and i broke months and months (nearly 9) of sobriety by scoring. im off to school leaving half a g here. i realised how not that grand it was. the magic had gone.

i watced those beheading too. it was horrid, you could hear them scream and splutter. it was hard... why not a samarui sword nice and sharp.

hope you are ok anna
love a fellow brit xxx

Gledwood said...

Did they cut Obama's head off. I mean Bin Laden. I get those 2 mixed up. I skipped that bit as I find American politics so boring. They really shot themselves in the foot with Guantanamo Bay. Nobody respects America any more. They've broken their own principals and are totally unapologetic about it. America has lost its place in the world. Just as Britain lost its own place after WWII.

Theyre thinking of not letting you back because of mental health problems? That pisses me off. For years I got told I was just a moaning junkie and that methadone would cure all my ills. Then methadone made me manic and psychotic WHICH PRETTY MUCH FUCKS THEIR BULLSHIT UP.

Is it a private clinic you're going to? If so I can see why they are allowed to pick and choose clients. If not you really want to appeal it. And don't they have a dual diagnosis unit where you can get sorted out?

Ive had no corned beef today I'm really depressed. Hey my worker thinks I'm bipolar so maybe I haven't got schiz after all. Then again he is saying because I have insight and can tell him X y and Z. I noticed online lots of schizos can tell their hallucinations, delusions, negative symptoms etc. Doen't make them any less schizo.

Do you have to pay $15 a day for that clinic? Isn't it better to buy a $15 bag of heroin and fix half in the morning, half in the evening? Or are the bags too mingy to bother with?

If I had to pay for methadone I think I'd never have stopped using gear.

Hey I just had a beautiful flush of euphoria. I SO HOPE IT'S MANIA COMING BACK. Fat fucking chance of that happening but it would be good. Especially if you got manic at the same time. Did that brown bear bother you? I never got bothered by any hallucinations except when people were chatting about me LOUDLY on the bus. Talking about my educational qualifications, where I live etc. That morning some fucker stood outside my window talking about sneaking into my room and moving the bed around.

Well I'd better go. Come on post something else you bloody lazy cow!