Sunday, May 1, 2011

Nodding out while giving a blowjob

Well, last night was a bad night. But today was a good day so far. Probably my last good day for a long time.

I'll start with last night, as you know I got some Methadone to hold me over for hopefully two days. As Methadone has a long half life. Methadone peaks about three hours after you take it. So I didn't want to waste the wellness Methadone brought me, so I stayed awake until 3am, and dreaded getting up figuring I was going to be sick. At six am my phone rings, I was sound asleep, but I woke up and looked to see who was calling. I didn't plan on answering it, but it was a name I knew might be a lead in the search for Heroin. So I answer the phone all groggy. The person on the other line says, your going to owe me for this one. I said,"what are you talking about"? This person says I got a gram of H for 120 dollars. I said, "yeah, but its probably cut to shit". This person says, "no I've used some of it, and its good shit".  I say to this person, "I'm on my way over".

I leave the house at quarter to seven in the morning, and drive thirty minutes to this person's house. When I walk in this person has their works laying all over. I asked how much of the gram do you have left? This person tells me they had two grams, and is willing to sell me the left over gram for 130 dollars. I can even fix there, and decided if its good enough to buy. So I fix up, and god granted my wish, its good dope. I buy up my gram, and go home. At home I bang up .04gs and get loaded. I started this post at about 9am and its 2pm now. I keep nodding off, and having to delete a bunch of zzzzzzzzzzzxvccccccccccccccc;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; bullshit.

Now tomorrow is the day I dread. I can't get as high as I am today and stay in my room with the computer and write and nod, I have to come out of my room and act normal. Which will be easy with a small shot of H. Tomorrow is the day my dad fills his pill box. Not even being this high makes the worry go away about tomorrow. Not just tomorrow. If he doesn't notice tomorrow, he'll notice when he starts to go sick. If he can just go without noticing until the 6th when he's almost a thousand miles away from me, then I'll be okay. Until then the stress of this is killing me. I'm never bothering with my dad's pills ever  again. Hopefully by the time my parents come back I'll be on Methadone once again.

Now I ask you to pray that my dad takes mercy upon me. If I was in his position I would go ballistic, and want to kill my kid. That and the disappointment of knowing my child relapsed after a good amount of clean time. I'm disappointed in myself, I don't need anyone else to be disappointed in me.  Those of you who hate me, I'm going to get mine. I wouldn't put past getting whipped by the belt. A 28 year old women gets whipped by the belt of her father. I feel like Frances Farmer. Either that or he'll scream at me, and call me junky whore. That he can't stand the sight of me. I have a plan to have my cousin come pick me up. So I'm not in his sight all day.


Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who thinks you should go ahead and confess to your dad?

For several reasons:

1) He would be more likely to have mercy on you, as you say, if you're honest with him. Waiting for him to figure it out on his own (which he will) will only piss him off more. At least if you confess and apologize, he'll know that you genuinely feel sorry about it, and aren't just sorry about being caught.

2) Right now, the worst part is probably you anticipating him finding out. I'm not saying he won't be mad, but at least you won't have to spend the next day or two afraid of what he's going to say, because it'll be done with.

In the end, you're going to do whatever it is you want to do--which is probably not tell him. That, however, is only going to draw out the agony for you. And if you could tell him before he takes all the medicine he DOES have left, maybe your dad could taper or spread out his pills so he doesn't get as sick.

Just food for thought.

Gledwood said...

Good luck with all this Dad stuff. I still think he can just go to his dr and say he lost a box of pills and get a new script right back.

They're only unwilling to do this if the pills are prescribed FOR addiction (not pain) OR if it keeps happening, which it hasn't, because you felt no need to keep dipping into your Dad's pills before.

I don't think it's going to be anything like as bad as you think it's gonna be.

And at least you got that gram of heroin. The fact they rang you so early in the morning means they must have been thinking of you first.

I had some heroin today it was about a point three and I took all of it at once, skinpopping about 40%; hitting up the rest. It took long enough to find a vein that I could feel the skinpop coming on by the time I hit up properly. Our gear is a lot weaker than it used to be thanks to that fucking drought. In times past I'd have got 2 decent hits out of that amount; now it's just one. Only reason I skinpop is that I felt so shitty I wanted to feel good without the stress of finding a barely existent vein. Eventually I found one in a huge scar on my right leg. There isn't a hope in hell of getting a vein there normally.

I wrote a huge post mentioning you please leave a comment there if you can.

You can say whether or not I'm right about getting clean. I said how pissed off I was with this "mental" diagnosis now I don't know what the fuck to do. Nothing seems to make me happy now, nothing at all. I know you know that feeling.

Best of luck with you know what again. Don't you think it's amazing that heroin turned up to answer your dreams? If your Dad has a go at you at least you can have a really big hit that will make you feel better. Be careful not to die. I don't think he will go that nuts anyhow. Do you think he will even notice the pills aren't the same? Maybe not. He's not taking them for addiction he's taking them for pain, maybe he'll go back to the dr and get something even stronger in compensation...? You never know..!

Anonymous said...

you had no clean time. methadone is not clean..

you also put your dad in a very bad position. how sad. isnt your sisters death enough of a hardship on mom and dad?

no wonder your mom is a travler nurse. they should just pack up and not tell you where they are going. say something like, we are going out for dinner, we will be back in an hour or so... then never come back, have all utilities cut off and have your sorry ass in the dark then out on the street. stealing from family. yeah, how nice..

hope your parents can accept the loss of two daughters..

(the only thing you have left to do to hurt your dad more is post naked pictures of yourself.. you have done just about everything else)

Danny said...

ha! looks like praying to St Jude worked for you last night then re your scoring, love!

in regards your thoughts on Kurt, i basically feel the government has something to do with everybody's death! what i do remember hearing from more than one place is that there were no prints on the gun or shell casing and i find that v.intriguing. Guess my interest in this is cos i love Nirvana and i love conspiracy theories in equal part.

Really, though: hope things go ok w/your dad tomorrow, or as well as they can in the circumstances.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hi Anna,
But your dad knows that you have an addictive personality.
Could he maybe have left the pills to test your temptation???
I agree with the confession to him, what can he do or say???
Maybe you should tell him that leaving pills around is a bad idea.
Like how cruel is it for someone to drink in front of an alcoholic.
Don't mind me anyway.
Don't worry, he is your father and he knows you well.

Georgina said...

Hey there,
My first post on blogger.
Why dont you leave your dads house,just get a job and get your own place.
That way you'd be less likely to spend money on gear(not sure what you call it in states.
Georgina, from Scotland.x

Georgina said...

nb; clipped profile pic from your page.
I love it!

Georgina said...

In Scotland at the moment there is a drought that's lasted from Nov, it's due to 'blight';Afghan poppy blight.
Majority of our gear comes from that region unfortunatly-funding their Ghad..if there was ever a reason to quit...

Anonymous said...

Very cool that you're focusing on exercise/weight loss. No better "anti-drug" than looking good and feeling good about yourself.

Lubon T.

P.S. I noticed a reference to F. Farmer in an earlier posting. Have you read her "fuck you" treatise titled "Will there Really be a Morning" (confession: I stole the copy of this book from my high school).