Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Pipe dreams

Today its  cloudy and rainy just the way I like it. I've made plans for my futer so I'm not going to kill myself. I'm actually getting a job. Saving money to move out to Olympia Washington. I've wanted to be out on my own for awhile, and a bus ticket is only 140 dollars, its a two day trip. When I get out there I'm going to be a nanny. Oh please don't let any of my futer employers read this blog. I'm actually good with kids. I plan on staying clean. I haven't used today...yet. If so and so calls and offers me some I'll have a hard time saying no. I really can't use because my physc doctor won't see me anymore if I keep using. I see him on the 29th and if I use today I'll be dirty when he UA's me.

I know my plan sounds like a pipe dream. Like I'll ever be stable enough to leave the comfort of my parents lap. They practically chew my meat for me, and pass it back and forth. I'm so unstable right now, I feel like I'm invincable. I can take so much medication and even the doctor said I have a high tolerance and that's why I woke up. Abuseing medications isn't a good idea when you want to kill yourself.  Right now I'm so clean I'm not even on Clonazapam, or Ambien, just my physc meds. If I go off those I have to go  back to the nut house for 90 days. My mom has to monitor my medication, and she's actually taking it seriously this time. I still have to monitor my self medication with H.

Since I've lied on here, I know you have a hard time beliveing me. This is all the gods honest truth.

10 comments:

Fractalmom said...

Anna Grace? I don't think you are lying. People that want to stay clean, well, they do. In spite of everything around them, they do. That is the elusive "rock bottom" that we all hope our addicts hit. It differs for every single person. Maybe this is yours. Maybe not. I will pray that you overcome your hurdles and go on to be a happy and loving person. I think you have it inside you. Maybe, you are just bone fucking tired of the life. Maybe that's enough.

Dawn

Anonymous said...

I think caring for children sounds like a great idea.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I believe you, and I wish you luck with your plans. If you set your mind to it, you can do it.

Love,

SB

Gledwood said...

I noticed the risperidone they gave me actually blocks some of the rush of heroin, also I feel stabler on it just a few days in. I've only been back on it about 4 days and my mood feels stabler. But I don't feel any less paranoid. Which is weird. I think you should pursue your dream. Pursue pursue pursue ;-)

Gledwood said...

post us something about what it was like in the nuthouse

did anything interesting happen in there?

only good thing about those places, in my view, is the people you meet in them ~~ fascinating people

Anonymous said...

Yeah, agree Gleds. Post something about the nuthouse. If indeed you were there

Brother Frankie said...

anna, you should not be anywhere near, or any way involved in the care of a minor until you have one year of GOOD sobriety. You are not well and are a danger to kids. I pray that they do a backroud check on you.

Grandiose thinking.... that is common with addicts. you do need to get a realty check.

elizabeth said...

Ditto Brother Frankie...you need to get yourself together first before you take on the responsibility of others children. SO, not a good idea IMO.

CindyB1 said...

Getting a job is a great idea, but not a job as a Nanny, you can't care for yourself, how could you care for a child or children? Think about a job working at a mall or in an office as a receptionist. Start slow then move up, jumping in the deep end too quickly is never going to work in the long run.

Good luck, but go slow.

Adrianna said...

I non believe you want get a job. You like make quik money and you non can stand be around babies with you drugs.
Babies are a pain in the neck.
You no have pashense for them.
You need go to scool.
Be hair dresser,make pay pals and write books.
Go scool.